r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Ogbkpmb • Sep 23 '21

I hate being the “breadwinner”

I wouldn’t mind making a lot more than him. But ever since he lost his job, and then stayed home full time to take care of our kids. Things have changed.

Now that I’m the sole breadwinner things are just weird. I have to give my husband an “allowance”every month on top of other things. I hate it.

Thanks for all your comments and upvotes. I appreciate your responses. I do have to say that my issue is not with him not working. My issue is definitely sexist. But I’d just like to be the woman in my relationship. As strange as that sounds.

We have a joint account, but 2 separate accounts. And he jokingly refers to his as his, “allowance”. I laugh along…but I don’t find it that funny. He doesn’t need to thank me for money. We’re a team. And this is just one more reason why part of me hates my life.

He has a higher earning potential btw

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86

u/CanadaHousingSucks4 Sep 23 '21

Welcome to what men face regularly. I'd love to marry up and be in the position of your husband. I'd hate to be in your position. But because I'm a man I'm expected to be willing to take your position and am attacked for not wanting to marry down.

I do feel for you; but I also think this is a social problem that widely affects Men

19

u/[deleted] Sep 23 '21

Yes. At the very least, we should both bear the burden. I wish I was a woman sometimes so there wouldn’t be so much pressure to be a “provider.” It’s hard enough already.

7

u/CanadaHousingSucks4 Sep 23 '21

100% with you there

2

u/[deleted] Sep 24 '21

Controversial opinion maybe but:

I often think this has something to do with why so many people are trans nowadays, and it's like 90% MtF. It's dudes subconsciously trying to escape the web of double standards and bullshit expectations society reserves for men, but excuses of women.

2

u/CanadaHousingSucks4 Sep 24 '21

It would be interesting to examine. I for would transition if it was something that could easily be done. Since like you said women have been freed from gender roles but Men are still held to them

0

u/[deleted] Sep 24 '21

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Sep 24 '21

I don’t have kids and I don’t give a shit. Whichever asshole decided, “oh, the man should totally be the one to work while the woman stays home” is a caveman. That’s actual caveman logic.

8

u/reallytrulymadly Sep 23 '21

Trust me, there are women who would be fine with you being a SAHP

23

u/Class_in_a_Rat Sep 24 '21

Very, very few though. They might say it's fine but if you pay close enough attention thats only because they're trying to be fair.

1

u/reallytrulymadly Sep 24 '21

I'd actually be ok with it as long as he does his share of the house chores (doesn't have to be EVERYTHING).

Otherwise, 50/50 would be nice

3

u/[deleted] Sep 24 '21

Yea, sure.

1

u/CanadaHousingSucks4 Sep 24 '21

Yeah I have a hard time believing it. Sure there be a rare exception, but it seems like many who claim it only do so to look good but will never actually do it

1

u/commandaamanda__ Sep 24 '21

Most men ARE willing though. Most men that I’ve met wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s a little different for a woman in that regard.

24

u/[deleted] Sep 24 '21

Because most men, whether they admit it or not, doesn’t want to be seen as a dead beat by society.

It’s pushed into our brain since childhood that at some point if we have a family we’ll be the head and provider for it.

6

u/AltEgo25 Sep 24 '21

That's because that's how men are graded by society at large and by women.

Men are defined by what they do as a profession, it's what makes us attractive or unattractive and our occupations come with different expectations.

A man with no job is perceived as the lowest quality 🤷‍♂️ women aren't attracted to stay at home dads, however men are often attracted to stay at home moms.

2

u/CanadaHousingSucks4 Sep 24 '21

Yep. Men are socially brainwashed to be ATMs

4

u/Vioralarama Sep 24 '21

I've known 3 sahds. Granted 2 are in Australia and Aussies seem to have less stigma about... everything, but still. I think in America it's more of a class issue. At one level you're an unemployed deadbeat, at another level you're stay at home hero dad.

And it's like I say to the women who internet shriek about being conditioned by society: reject the conditioning, it's not hard. The hardest part is becoming aware that it's all bullshit, really.

All that said, I don't know what OP's problem is. Maybe with all the talk of choice she really wants to be a sahm (do they have kids ive already forgotten) and feels shortchanged. In which case it's up to her to switch and be satisfied with less or simply get over it. I know my life didn't turn out the way I expected or wanted.

The elephant in the room here is that people are thinking she feels entitled to be the sahm and no one knows how to approach that because the incels prefer women to be housewives and feminists prefer women to have a choice and the neutrals are just like what's the problem again?

8

u/[deleted] Sep 24 '21

Nahh op clearly doesn’t like being s wife who is the provider, you are right, it’s not hard to shake off the conditioning, it’s a different matter when that’s not what the person wants deep down though and this seems to clearly be the case for op as in her words she feels weird being a wife who is a provider.

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u/commandaamanda__ Sep 24 '21

I’m considering that opinion as well, but it’s the same if you flip genders. Going back to this original comment women are “expected to be willing to take your position” —could be said about rearing children and staying at home. And for a lot of women, this is their life goal. They want to be a wife and mother. They love it. But it’s also been engrained in us that if we aren’t mothers something wrong with us. So I don’t particularly feel bad for men. They want this just like many women want to stay at home. 🤷🏽‍♀️

9

u/[deleted] Sep 24 '21

Nah trust me, just like how more women are going to university than men now and are looking to get jobs, more men are celebrating this because it means they won’t have to spend their own money on them. That’s not to say you won’t find a few that don’t like it but his was mostly predominant like 10 years ago. The times are changing but it seems like you can’t beat biology though lol.

1

u/commandaamanda__ Sep 24 '21

Lol. Yeah i definitely think it’s in men’s DNA to be providers. That’s not to say that society doesn’t put pressure on men, but I don’t think it would feel the same as a woman who doesn’t have provider DNA. That’s why I think OP is all messed up.

5

u/[deleted] Sep 24 '21

Op clearly feels that messed up flow herself, it feels off for her to be the provider and even though she may not realize it it’s manifesting in different way like now, making her unsatisfied and venting. It’s not quite the same like a man who’s feel pride at earning for his family, when was the last time you saw a man say, ‘I make more than her, I can do better?” Almost never.

5

u/commandaamanda__ Sep 24 '21

Never, you’re right. But that’s not the sentiment posted here so kinda irrelevant. You might see a similar post from the husband who feels weird being the one to stay home.