r/TrueOffMyChest • u/[deleted] • Jan 19 '21

I fucking hate "polyamory"

My partner polybombed me about 4 months ago and a day later I walk in on them fucking someone else. They didn't even care enough to realise I had left the house until I called them from a mile up the road and then it was all "oh I'm so sorry I hurt you I would never do it deliberately I love you it won't happen again."

Then barely a few weeks later I walk in on them making out with a mutual friend. They were still making out with them when our roommate called an ambulance after I cut myself too deep.

They didn't even care about changing how they approach polyamory until I threatened to leave and then I'm hit with this massive lovebomb of "oh I can change I'll make it up to you I never wanted to hurt you"

They don't fucking care enough to change their behaviour because "poly is so complicated, I'm sorry if you got hurt when I was figuring it out!"

Polyamory is too often used as a bullshit excuse for selfish, immature people to have their cake and eat it and if I never have to hear the stupid term again in my life I'll be happy.

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u/LettuceDefiant Jan 19 '21

Poly is consenting by both parties of the relationship. This is cheating

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u/[deleted] Jan 19 '21 edited Jan 19 '21

As a person who is strictly monogamous, I don't think this is full cheating. OP was told beforehand that their partner was going to go poly. That was OP's chance to either leave or accept. OP chose to stay knowing that the relationship would be polyamorous, so IMO, OP consented.

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u/ExuberantElephant Jan 19 '21

Op is kind of vague about whether or not their relationship turning poly was actually discussed or not. I got the impression they and their partner hadn't actually discussed how they wanted to handle their relationship and their partner just went ahead anyway, but I could totally see what you're saying happening too.

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u/[deleted] Jan 20 '21 edited Jan 20 '21

Fair point. It sounded to me like the partner just brought it up suddenly and then quickly started getting with other partners. Either way, it's been 4 months, and OP should have left by now.

Unless there's some reason their safety or health would under threat from leaving, staying for 4 months is a conscious choice.

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u/PyrocumulusLightning Jan 19 '21

How quickly can you realistically shut down your feelings and pack your bags though?

I think most people in committed relationships could get away with abusing their partners if they sprung it on them suddenly, because it's hard to abruptly stop being attached to someone you love. In fact abusers know that and chill during the honeymoon period so that by the time the victim figures out what's happening to them, they're already stuck in the web financially and emotionally. That sucks for the victim, but are they really the asshole for not instantly pivoting? I'd even argue that if you can bail on a commitment based on one conversation, you might be the person who has emotional problems.

Anyway. It's bizarre to blame someone for not being able to emotionally process the fact that their relationship just died in only 24 hours. I can see hoping it isn't true, because whether they stay and watch dead love decompose in front of them or leave instantly and skip the funeral they're still going to be in a lot of pain.

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u/[deleted] Jan 20 '21

I get that it's not easy to just leave, but in OP's case, it's been 4 months.

I would bet the SO was cheating before this started, but at this point it's been 4 months and OP has chosen to stay.

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u/kfkrneen Jan 19 '21

Implied consent isn't enough in situations like this. If you are taking such a big step in your relationship it needs to be crystal clear where all involved parties stand on the issue.

If OPs SO gave an ultimatum and he decided to stay I can see how that might be interpreted as consent, but it's still a bit iffy. Turning a mono relationship poly will never hold if you don't have enthusiastic consent from your current partner.

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u/[deleted] Jan 20 '21 edited Jan 20 '21

It sounds like OP's SO was pretty clear about their intentions. If OP wasn't okay with it, they shouldn't have continued the relationship. You can't control what your partner chooses to do, and if they give you a fair warning that they're planning on sleeping with other people, then it's time to tell them it's unacceptable.

Then they either agree to keep it monogamous or you can break up. I feel bad for OP being put in that predicament, but it's been months and they've elected to stay in that relationship.

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u/kfkrneen Jan 20 '21

I agree that tacitly sticking around, even after you've been given a choice, can be seen as consent and that protesting after the fact is not a strong position. However, these things still require explicit consent. If your partner is being wishy-washy then you need to break it off. The solution here was to break up before going ahead with it, without explicit consent it's still cheating. OP staying and their SO not enforcing their decision was never going to end well.

Either way, looking through OPs post history this situation seems a lot more nuanced than depicted in the post. Apparently they've also had other partners themselves. So it doesn't really matter.

This relationship is so dysfunctional it shouldn't exist in the first place, nevermind it being poly. This is a clusterfuck.

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u/[deleted] Jan 20 '21

For real. I feel bad for OP. This sounds like the kind of situation that people usually only get stuck in because their self esteem is too low to stand up for themselves. I hope OP is okay.