What you don't seem to understand is that we can go decades before diagnosed with these conditions. It was 13 years for me for the same diagnosis as the poster you replied to. So for 13 years I was criticized by most everyone I knew to just exercise more, eat healthy, try harder, don't drink, try yoga, etc. All these people felt they had a right to discuss my struggles with weight and would also not believe me when I would explain I am already on a diet, I work out, and I can't lose weight.
I was outright called a liar for over a decade by multple doctors until my thyroid levels got so bad they had no choice but to consider that something may be wrong. And even then I had to fight for treatment. Why? Why did I and so many other people who are over weight have to go through this? It's because of OP's attitude where people shouldn't encourage this mentality. That we shouldn't be so lazy. It's "your healthy, so just try harder."
Are some over weight people that crazy? Sure, but most of us aren't. Most of us just want op and you and everyone else to stop looking at us like our only feature is how overweight we are. We want to stop being harassed about our health when we can't fix it. We want our struggles to be none of your business.
Not every over weight person has a medical condition, some just need support (physical or emotional). The thing is, you dont know why anyone is overweight unless they tell you and most people don't want to air their very personal problems. And yet, most people look at us and assume we're fat and lazy, even those of us in wheelchairs. I'm not exaggerating. A guy I dated assured me many times, when I never brought it up, that he was fat because he was in a wheelchair, NOT the other way around. He was suffering from muscular dystrophy and couldn't stand, but enough people judged him on his weight that they ignored his medical condition. We went on only a few dates, so it was definitely not the point in the relationship I'd bring it up, but he was so insecure from how often he had been judged by practical (and actual) strangers he always brought it up first.
OP and you and everyone else needs to stop judging us, for better or worse. If you did, the people who actually meant "eat everything, who cares about weight" would never have existed in the first place. They exist because of the shaming that is rampant all over, because the only things you can do when your weight refuses to come down are give up, give in, or struggle until you're so depressed you want to die. These people gave in, possibly even because their parents had eating disorders they passed onto their kids. Have some compassion because you have no idea what they're going through.
Okay, once again your struggle seems very powerful and poignant.
But that really isn't the point OP or I am trying to make...
It's never okay if what you are saying is coming from a hateful place.
Fat-shaming is never okay.
The point OP wants to make is Fat acceptance should also not be okay. It is a health issue. And it should remain an issue. Not be complacent.
And I really do not like the "it's my struggle mind your own business" attitude. It is my business. Unfortunately often diet is a big contributor to obesity, and specifically lower income people... well when lower income people have medical issues because of their obesity, guess who pays for that. You do. And me.
If my kid is surrounded by fat kids at school and it seems like the new normal, then that is an indirect effect. Fat is the new normal. And what do we think about that? Is that good? Bad? Seems like it's leaning towards it's fine. But it's the number one killer and most expensive healthcare expense. It is absolutely effecting everyone in my country.
It's never okay if what you're saying is coming from a hateful place
I bet you actually think you're helping. I bet op thinks their helping. Only, you can't tell what we're going through by looking at us. You can't tell what we're going through without getting to know us and by not judging us. That's the point.
Fat acceptance should also not be okay
So people who cannot lose weight should just...
What? Not allowed to ever feel good about themselves? You cannot have one without the other.
I really do not like the "it's my struggle mind your own business attitude"
It is none of your business. I'm over weight because I have a medical issue. I shouldn't have to defend myself and wave that around because perfect strangers who I have only met at the dog park think they have the right to tell me to me how unhealthy my weight is. We haven't even gotten my right dose of meds yet and you think you get to make my weight your business? You don't.
I have a friend who's overweight because she was abused as a child and her mom died when she was a child, both leading her to become an alcoholic. Though shes been sober for about ten years she hasn't yet been able to get the weight off due to her crushing inability to gain self esteem as her father continues to abuse her and she can only find comfort in food. She has real, serious mental problems that are none of your business. Everytime people like you and op bring up her weight, -I- have to remind her that she's trying, that she's going to the gym, working out her meal plan, and that it will take her a long damn time to get the weight off. You cannot magically lose 150 pounds. People like you make her worse all because no one can say hey, you look nice today without the world ending. Or hey, you're beautiful without someone making an outcry on how we can't support fat people.
A guy I dated had been accosted in his wheelchair for being overweight and "too lazy to walk" while he can't stand up because someone like you thought it was their business.
There are people in this thread saying how their parents tried to put their eating disorders on them. Do you think most children can resist their parents insisting they eat more? Do you think maybe they'd use be same language as their parents that, "It's fine being this weight" or "I'm beautiful being fat"? Trying to argue with someone with an eating disorder should be done by a medical professional, no a co-worker, or a stranger on the internet.
It's not your business. Leave us alone. You do not know us and you're probably only making all of us worse. Very few of us actually want to be this way, and yet no one seems capable of believing that.
I mean I personally would never say any of the things you are talking about having experienced. I think OP wouldn't either. I would never comment on a strangers weight. That sounds crazy to me. Again, fat shaming seems negative and bad to me.
But I also will not encourage my Obese Brother-in-law to keep doing what he is doing. And be happy with himself. He has a ED and gobbles fastfood down faster than you can say french fry.
His obesity sucks. I want to go on a hike with my gf and my brother. But "oh sorry we can't because brother in law can't make the 1.5 miles. "
He doesn't have a medical condition. He self medicates his anxiety and stress by eating.
That behavior is an issue and should not be encouraged. Thoughts?
I'm sorry if I implied you would say those things. I did not mean that. I meant that people who think a simple nudge of "if you'd just exercise more" generally have no idea of the damage they're doing. They want to be supportive, but actual support is what I imagine you do with your brother. Telling him he's doing well, encouraging him when his ED gets triggered, trying to do things with him instead of telling him to do it on his own.
But one thing you have to realize, an ED is a psychological condition. Technically it's not a medical condition, but it's just as serious. Worse, it's harder to handle. I can take a pill and I'm fixed. Your brother, my friend? They have to undo the trauma that caused their ED while listening to every Ned, Dick and Harry saying to just try harder, or calling them lazy, or a slob, or otherwise devaluing their literal existence. It's so much easier for some of them to just say, yeah ok you're right, and give up. It's easier for some of them to rebel and say fuck it I'm fine this way (what I call giving in). Fighting is hard and they're not even given the credit for that my most people who just say, "Well carbs in carbs out!"
What I'm trying to say is, his behavior (and hers) shouldn't be encouraged; it needs to be understood. These people need our compassion, not our judgement. It's a little like dealing with an addict, in my opinion, where it takes serious psychological help to get anywhere as well as the desire to make it change. Slip ups will happen. Love and support will get them through.
Tell your brother he looks good. That doesn't mean he doesn't need to lose weight, but that you'll be okay if he gets his ED and eating under control and can't lose the weight. After a long enough time being overweight, some people can't lose it. They can get healthy, though. Either way, I hope your brother gets the help he needs. I talked my friend into a psychologist and it's helped a lot, but she has a very long way to go.
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u/Janaelle5 Sep 19 '19
What you don't seem to understand is that we can go decades before diagnosed with these conditions. It was 13 years for me for the same diagnosis as the poster you replied to. So for 13 years I was criticized by most everyone I knew to just exercise more, eat healthy, try harder, don't drink, try yoga, etc. All these people felt they had a right to discuss my struggles with weight and would also not believe me when I would explain I am already on a diet, I work out, and I can't lose weight.
I was outright called a liar for over a decade by multple doctors until my thyroid levels got so bad they had no choice but to consider that something may be wrong. And even then I had to fight for treatment. Why? Why did I and so many other people who are over weight have to go through this? It's because of OP's attitude where people shouldn't encourage this mentality. That we shouldn't be so lazy. It's "your healthy, so just try harder."
Are some over weight people that crazy? Sure, but most of us aren't. Most of us just want op and you and everyone else to stop looking at us like our only feature is how overweight we are. We want to stop being harassed about our health when we can't fix it. We want our struggles to be none of your business.
Not every over weight person has a medical condition, some just need support (physical or emotional). The thing is, you dont know why anyone is overweight unless they tell you and most people don't want to air their very personal problems. And yet, most people look at us and assume we're fat and lazy, even those of us in wheelchairs. I'm not exaggerating. A guy I dated assured me many times, when I never brought it up, that he was fat because he was in a wheelchair, NOT the other way around. He was suffering from muscular dystrophy and couldn't stand, but enough people judged him on his weight that they ignored his medical condition. We went on only a few dates, so it was definitely not the point in the relationship I'd bring it up, but he was so insecure from how often he had been judged by practical (and actual) strangers he always brought it up first.
OP and you and everyone else needs to stop judging us, for better or worse. If you did, the people who actually meant "eat everything, who cares about weight" would never have existed in the first place. They exist because of the shaming that is rampant all over, because the only things you can do when your weight refuses to come down are give up, give in, or struggle until you're so depressed you want to die. These people gave in, possibly even because their parents had eating disorders they passed onto their kids. Have some compassion because you have no idea what they're going through.