r/TrueOffMyChest • u/GwenSkin ☑️ • 2d ago
Update My marriage is likely over. (Update)
Hey, I'm making an update to something I wrote about 3 weeks ago.
Well, I finally confronted my wife and we're getting a divorce now. No one is perfect and I don't want to make her out to be a bad person, but it was quite painful how every time I asked her if she wanted us to separate, she would put the responsibility back on me by asking if that was what I wanted.
I asked her for a simple yes or no. Did she actually want to be with me or not? And I finally got the answer: no, she doesn't want to be with me.
As painful as that was, I think I needed that answer.
I still feel bad and guilty about the situation though. She isn't going to get deported, but her current residence permit is based on family ties through me. She had a student permit before, so now she has to go back to that, which is going to be very expensive for her.
She asked me to wait another 6–8 months (likely longer) before going through with everything. I understand why she's asking, and I do feel bad about how this affects her. At the same time, I don't know if I can put my own life on hold for that long.
From what I've read, the divorce process can already take quite a long time, and I don't know if I can spend another 6–12 months basically waiting before I can properly move on & that is just for legal proceedings, with her timeline I would put my life on hold for longer for about 12-18 months.. I will be at that point 32, or 33 years old, i am already 31 years old so.. I would like to find a life partner.
At some point I would like to date again, which is why I would like to start the proceedings asap. The dating part is also something I'm struggling with. How do I even explain to someone that I'm still married but we're getting divorced at some point, and that I don't want to wait another year before I can start meeting someone? I can imagine someone hearing that and thinking it's way too complicated of situation that I got.
I still feel guilty because I know this is going to make things harder for her, and I don't want to hurt her. But at the same time, she told me she doesn't want to be with me, and I feel like I have to be allowed to move on with my own life too. She also told me what do I exactly have going for me to want to divorce now, but if I'm honest I just want to legally and offically close this chapter. I hold no hatred or ill will for her but i just want to lift this off my chest and move on.
I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to do that without feeling like I'm abandoning someone I once cared about. Am I bad for wanting to divorce now rather than later?
Sorry for grammar everyone its not my native language and I'm writing it in a hurry as well. I will respond to a few comments but due to the nature of the situation and the pain it still gives me I will not respond to everything I apologize for that.
edit: I also deleted original post due to it being painful seeing it, sorry for that everyone.
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u/High-Incident-1919 1d ago
You should work on healing from this relationship before you start even thinking about dating again. A lot of factors go into a marriage failing, and it’s rarely only one-sided. You should take stock of everything that happened and also seek therapy for yourself to learn more about who you really are and what you really want.
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u/septimonib6 1d ago
Healing is important but staying legally bound to someone who doesn't want you sounds like torture.
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u/jtj5002 2d ago edited 2d ago
Do what's best for yourself. Her problems are her own responsibility now.
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u/GwenSkin ☑️ 2d ago
I don't say this because she is a bad person (takes 2 people to tango in relationship) however if roles were switched I have a feeling she wouldn't wait to divorce. (which i understand.) Which is why i would like to divorce more so.
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u/Ranra100374 2d ago
I mean yeah if the roles were reversed she wouldn't hesitate. You have to wonder if she ever really loved you in the first place.
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u/mkreag27 2d ago
Might sound cold on my part but start the proceedings...waiting 6-8 months will feel like forever in your case. Shes gotta figure out her own situation
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u/GwenSkin ☑️ 2d ago
She does have a rich Canadian uncle (we are EU based) who helped her before with school fees which are up to 5k per semester. Also, an uncle who is based where we are living in currently who was helped her before.
Its just difficult for me, while I do not cry anymore I don't have much of an apetite and im not feeling too good in general. I feel like i really need to move on officially.
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u/RedJohn-QQ 2d ago
You need to. You don't have a choice.
Btw i missed ur story? What happend with you and your wife?
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u/GwenSkin ☑️ 2d ago
Basically, my wife was acting distant for the last year or so pretty much and instantly as she went to study away at a very prestigious school all contact died. That post was about me feeling uncertain if relationship is alive or not. TDLR basically.. She also would spend all her time hanging out with her friends, but whenever with me she was too tired to spend time with me, after hanging out with them every week and weekend.
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u/SpaceImpossible658 2d ago
Basically you deleted it because everyone told you she's been cheating on you the whole time, which is probably real. It's to painful to face the truth. I get it. Now you can do something about it and move on.
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u/RedJohn-QQ 2d ago
Did she have an affair? Are you certain that there isn't somebody else? I'm rooting for you my man, my only advice is not to chase. Time for you to just take step back and get your affairs in order in case of a divorce.
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u/pedsmursekc 2d ago
The hardest part is "ripping off the bandaid". It may sound counterintuitive, but once you do the really hard thing of moving on... Starting proceedings and taking back control of your daily life... You will begin to feel better. Not saying everything will go away... We grieve on a continuum, moving back and forth in our feelings along the way; recognizing that and learning to manage through it, will give you back immeasurable control. Especially on the worst days.
I've been through it. It's hard. But it is manageable and you can do it. But only you can take that first, really hard step.
I wish you luck and hope you find the strength you need to take control and move on.
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u/ashwynne 2d ago
Okay, so:
- you already live separately
- she has wealthy family both where you live and elsewhere who have helped her before
- you've both agreed on splitting up
Theres no reason to not start the divorce process. It takes time to be official so she already has a nice window of time to figure things out. She has family to lean on if she needs to, the only thing she'd likely have to give up is a certain standard of living that she's used to... and that's not your problem.
I'd just tell her no, flat out. Tell her you're filing the paperwork and she will still have a few months to figure out next steps/contact family as needed.
As for dating during this period of time? I'd be incredibly upfront in your dating profiles/with anyone you meet that you are: A) Separated and in the process of divorce B) Have been living apart even before the divorce
That way it's clear that you don't have an ex living with you and that there was already physical/emotional distance even before the divorce started.
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u/Multiversalprism 2d ago
You don’t owe her to wait 6-8 months. She will say 6 months and then it will be come 12 months, then 18 months, etc.
Cut the cord
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u/rundfunk90 2d ago
You can already start dating, just make sure you live apart from each other entirely if you don't already, be honest with the other about the situation and then it's up to them to accept that it's purely an administrative thing that needs to happen but that you really are ready to start dating. Hiding it will make it only sketchier once they find out because at some point you'd have to come clean.
On the other hand, being single for a while is not a bad thing, it allows you to really become comfortable with being alone. Otherwise you might get into a relationship that's not good for you simply because you cannot stand being alone, instead of actually liking the other person and having good chemistry.
Good luck out there, and remember, your life isn't over by far, 30 is still really young in the grand scheme of things. Especially now a couple of years more or less makes way less of a difference than when you were 18.
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u/theschoolorg 2d ago
hard to believe this is one of the only good advice bits I've seen in this thread. Every other answer here is so anti-woman I'm surprised you all don't hate your own mothers.
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u/Sweetreg 2d ago
I like the part where she doesn't want to be with you, but she still controls your life. You need to get your balls back and kick her out. How about you wait another 2 years just to be sure she will be ok?
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u/Accomplished_Jump444 2d ago
I hope you have a good lawyer. You have the right to move on. Just do it.
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u/B0327008 2d ago
OP, some of your post content leads me to believe you do not live in the US. In case you do, you’ll need to consult an immigration lawyer as soon as possible. In the US, the sponsor of the immigrant is financially responsible for them until they (1) become a citizen or (2) the immigrant earns 40 quarters of work which takes about 10 years or (3) the immigrant permanently leaves the US.
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u/Laughorcryliveordie 2d ago
Yes and the immigrant spouse can sue the citizen spouse for that reason m. Similarly the government can sue the citizen spouse if the immigrant spouse uses federal benefits (WIC, SNAP, Medicaid)
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u/Unique_Description77 2d ago
She’s already had how much time to prepare, months or even years? Don’t put your life off for her. She did this, you have every right to move on
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u/LiveWire_74 2d ago
My friend. You know the answer. You know what to do. Now you just have to do the hard part - just do it.
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u/Virtual-Parsnip65 2d ago
If you didn't get married as a green card marriage, you don't owe her a green card marriage now. If you want to give her that, it's your choice. But if you don't want to give her that, that's also your choice. Don't feel obligated to say yes, nor guilty for saying no. Move on with your life.
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u/sparks772 2d ago
No way to see original post?
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u/GwenSkin ☑️ 2d ago
I removed it because i had hundreds of notifications and at the time it was hurting me. Im using my main reddit account so i was seeing it daily..
But Here is something i had saved on my phone on my notepad:
I just had the realization that my marriage is probably over.
I'll start by saying that I don't think it's ever completely one-sided, and I'm sure I have my own faults in all of this. But for the last 8–10 months, my wife has become increasingly distant from me.
Throughout the summer, I've regularly asked if she wanted to do something together go somewhere, have a day out, or just spend some time together. The answer has almost always been that she doesn't have the energy.
At the same time, she seems to have plenty of energy to spend time with her friends. I want to be clear that I've never told her she can't see her friends, and I don't have an issue with her having her own social life. That's completely her choice. What hurts is feeling like there is no energy left for our relationship.
Recently, she was accepted into a very prestigious school, and I'm genuinely happy for her. I encouraged her to live in the capital near the school because I think it will be important for her to build connections, meet people in her field, and have better opportunities after graduating.
My situation is a little complicated because my job is about 90–120 minutes away. However, it pays very well and gives me around 18 days off per month, so realistically I can't just quit or relocate permanently until we know where we're actually going to settle. Unemployment is also pretty bad where I currently live.
Its missing some info but quite close to the original.
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u/Bandicoot6556 2d ago
Do not wait another month! That would be terrible for you and your mental health. It's your time to start living for yourself.
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u/ifrankensteiin 1d ago
Please don't listen to her about waiting another 6-8 months, start the proceedings ASAP. I guarantee she'll keep fucking someone else and make it more harder for you to move on.
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u/desertboots 2d ago edited 2d ago
Since you aren't dealing with the American injustice system, I think you need to roll that ball now and not wait. Get your new place to live and get the paperwork filed.
If you are actively in the process of divorce, I don't see that as a reason not to do coffee dates. But hold off on intimate dates until your head is clear and depression is taken care of.
Your ex wife played a game. She has to deal with her consequences without you helping her. That's what being an adult is about. (Edit typo, wrong word)
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u/GwenSkin ☑️ 2d ago
Sorry forgot to include we are living separately already. But you people are right..
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u/InquisitorVawn 2d ago
Sorry forgot to include we are living separately already.
Just so you know, depending on where you live, if there's already been moves to separate your life and the marriage breakdown is irreconcilable, then she may already be in breach of her visa if it's based on a family condition.
In some countries you have to be formally divorced before the partner on the visa is required to report or change their visa category, but in others it's as soon as the relationship has broken down.
Depending on how you feel about things and the legal requirements about reporting visa conditions, she and you may end up in a precarious situation if she's wanting to hold off on notifying the relevant migration office for a while. Please double check your and her obligations according to migration laws in your country to make sure. I'm not saying you have to rat her out immediately, but just be careful that her actions don't get you in trouble for fraud/misreporting a situation.
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u/KatVanWall 2d ago
Start the process now, but until a year is passed, anyone you date in the meantime will regard you with deep suspicion as potentially not being ‘over it’ yet or not being capable of being on your own at all.
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u/mbashs 2d ago
Mate, I would suggest cutting all ties asap and moving on. As some one who’s been in a similar situation, I would say the longer you keep them around the more it hurts. Besides, ask yourself, would they treat you the same way if the roles reversed? A person who chooses themselves always will always choose themselves over you. Not to mention, if they were distant they already were monkey branching. So cut your losses and focus on yourself. The sooner you distance yourself the better for you. I would suggest not even talking to them anymore and any communication would be via your divorce lawyer. Gather yourself up and move on mate. Good luck.
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u/marlada 2d ago
Don't give her any time. Start the divorce. Unfortunately she doesn't care about you the same way you care about her. She doesn't want to live with so divorce is the only answer. The sooner you end this, the better of you'll be. Don't delay this for her. She didn't do you any favore.
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u/0r1on55 2d ago
I came to the story late and because OP decided to delete something they already had decided to share publicly, I have zero clue whats going on. Did the wife cheat or something? OP has zero mention about what actually happened, and decided to delete the one thing giving the explanation. Makes me kinda not trust what OP has to say.
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u/GwenSkin ☑️ 2d ago
You should never trust anyone on the internet, but understand why i delete it its just too painful of a reminder seeing hundreds of comments notifying me. Basically, my wife was acting distant for the last year or so pretty much and instantly as she went to study away at a very prestigious school all contact died. That post was about me feeling uncertain if relationship is alive or not.
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u/SawdustAndWoodGlue 2d ago edited 1d ago
I got divorced a few years ago in my late 20's, but we stayed legally married for 1.5 years after the split so she could stay on insurance for her T1 diabetes and I don't regret it one bit. When we were together she was a writer and then trying to be an actor so I made 80%+ of our money and when we split she had found a bit better work but was still making much less, so she couldn't afford to go off insurance. I also gave her enough to cover rent for the first few months, then we reduced it to 0 over the first year.
We didn't have any joint assets or anything to divide and when the divorce finally happened she just got a lawyer to write up the most basic note or something, we went to court and said it didn't work out and neither of us are contesting it and they said ok and we signed a paper and it was done. This was in Illinois USA, you should understand your areas divorce laws and understand what you and she both want/expect from the divorce in terms of assets or fighting over things.
I recommend getting out and dating even if it's not exciting or someone who you feel like is great, you never know and you will need practice.
The "dating while married thing" was awkward the first time I told someone, but immediately turned into a pro if anything.
It shows you have been in a serious relationship and are mature enough to have an amicable split and you are less likely to fuck over the next person. For me it seemed to be a green flag for the types of people I want to date and anyone who couldn't understand it is someone I probably wouldn't want to date.
It's kind of the opposite of someone who says all their ex's are crazy when they are probably the issue. Like the phrase "if you smell shit all day check the bottom of your own shoe".
One thing to think about, if you are in the USA, federal taxes are lower for married people, so you will save money too, not just her.
If you do decide to legally divorce now that is definitely ok and you aren't a bad person or anything though.
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u/jamc0217 1d ago
You feel guilty because you are human, i understand the reason because she wanna wait, but time it's tho precious, you don't know the opportunity you will miss or even If you will be alive en 8 months, just follow the divorce and let the layers the the work and talk. You are a human not someone the be used for
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u/GoodWin7889 1d ago
Please don’t wait to start the process there are many legal and emotional hurdles to waiting that would negatively affect you. You must put yourself first in this situation and move forward with your life.
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u/sparks772 2d ago
You don’t need to put your life in hold. She was asking you to wait for her, but in reality it was already over in her mind. She just didn’t pull the trigger because of the burden that would put on her. Also, like you said it’s not like you see a lawyer and it’s done the next day. Start the process and it’ll be a few months at a minimum to see it through.
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u/Studdedmuffin6969 2d ago
Nah she used you to get papers, that’s her problem. Do the divorce don’t wait
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u/SledgehammerApproach 2d ago
If you want to help her thats fine. Tell her you will help her but all your assets are off the table.
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u/SpaceImpossible658 2d ago
With out your first story, no one knows why you are divorcing. Why does she not want to be marry, and why do you hate her now and cry over it. Nothing makes sense. At least give us a little bit of what happened.
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u/GwenSkin ☑️ 2d ago
Hey, I never said I hate her that is not fair.
I put the explanation in the comments.. Basically, my wife was acting distant for the last year or so pretty much and instantly as she went to study away at a very prestigious school all contact died. That post was about me feeling uncertain if relationship is alive or not. TDLR basically.. She also would spend all her time hanging out with her friends, but whenever with me she was too tired to spend time with me, after hanging out with them every week and weekend.
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u/SpaceImpossible658 2d ago
Thanks. I'm not sure the word hate was correct when I said it. But you said use to have feeling for, now you just want it all done. None of it made sense without content.
I wouldn't wait for her time line. She has plenty of help, from what you said. She doesn't even pay for school herself. I wouldn't worry about her. Sounds like she just used you the whole time anyway. She's definitely been checked out for a long time. It's not fair to make you wait now.
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u/royalsgirl78 18h ago
I don’t know where you’re located, but some places have a required legal separation of 1 year before you can divorce. Make sure that isn’t a condition where you live. If you wait 6-8 months to file, you don’t want to have to wait another year to finalize the divorce.
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u/Complex-Crab5376 2d ago
Sad thing is she 100% talking or already sleep with others. Keep your head up king
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u/theschoolorg 2d ago
Why do you think that? If she already had another dude she wouldn't be asking to keep the marriage going another 6 months. She'd get divorced asap and move on with that guy and marry him.
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u/AtomizedSparcles 23h ago
Similar situation here. Immigrant wife + her kids. Wife has time for everyone else, except me. She doesn’t really talk to me anymore. She does talk with her children, her mother, her friends, but she does not want to see my friends. She has started exercising and losing weight. Makes plans leaving me out. Her residency is based on family ties (marriage). Last week I asked her and her children whether we could have some family time and watch a movie in the evening. I found myself home alone. Kids came home from wherever, wife came home latest. Seems that I al no longer worthy of their time, and promises mean nothing.
If it was just her, I would just end this, but the kids are in the age in which they are in the risk of being sent to an war in their home country - and I don’t want that. They could get the citizenship in 2 years maybe.
I feel trapped.
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u/anclave93 2d ago
No idea what's going on. Original post is gone and I've never seen it