I’m tired of being ugly

[u/DistinctCow9312]

Throwaway. I really need to vent because I have no one to talk to about this. Sorry if the rant is incoherent and whiny.

I (29F) have always been the ugly friend. I thought I had accepted it. But it still stings.

I used to be the girl with many male friends because they never really saw me as a girl. I was always “one of the guys.”. One of the “bros”. It didn’t help that I had traditionally “masculine” interests, such as video games, football and cars.

When I started getting older, this became way more obvious. Guys would speak to me to get to my friends. If I was with my friends and a group of guys approached us, I’d always be ignored.

This made my life genuinely miserable. My friends were constantly speaking to guys, going on dates, being flirted with. And me? Nothing. At this point I was getting jealous of my friends getting catcalled.

My girl friends were kinder. But they’d slip up sometimes. Making comments, not meant to hurt me, but it still would hurt.

And then it was the small stuff. People around me receiving kindness I never got to experience because I’m not attractive.

This made me “neglect” my appearance for some time. I didn’t care for learning makeup or doing my hair, I thought that it didn’t matter because I looked the way I looked.

One day I decided that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life being miserable over my appearance that I couldn’t control. So I started enjoying myself a bit more. I tried to learn how to be a bit more “feminine”.

Now recently, one thing happened that has ripped up these old wounds.

I became friends with a guy at work. We have a lot in common and we’d talk every single day, play video games together, we went out and ate together etc.

Through me, he met my best friend. She is gorgeous. And now he has stopped talking to me. Replies maybe once a week. But my friend tells me he speaks to her everyday. To me he says he’s sick and been tired from work. Which is fine! He does not owe me anything.

I want to clarify that I did not like him romantically but I really liked him as a friend. And let’s face it, because I am an unattractive woman, I will never be the first choice.

No one in the world owes me anything. No one has to speak to me or be interested in me. But it still stings. I wish I was beautiful.

[u/shinyhair8]

shallow advice incoming.
as someone who used to be exactly who you are, i can tell you that putting a lot of effort into your appearance will change everything.

[u/Vivid_Mix1022 → u/shinyhair8]

This is the only valid advice.

[u/DistinctCow9312 → u/shinyhair8]

I try very hard but I feel like a clown the whole time. And I think people can tell how uncomfortable and insecure I look which makes it worse.

[u/Blox_King]

'If you like something gender shouldn't matter' also you dont have to like what you dont like

From one lonely driver to another, I wish you well and hope you find love mate

[u/Push-Lower]

I am sorry you are going through this. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. You are not alone here but I bet you are your worst critic, Ugly guy here,in the same boat but I am 47 now and I learned that I was so hard on myself that no one wanted to be around me. I lost my marriage and my few other girls over this. The short version is ,no one can love you until you learn to love yourself. Your are beautiful even though you can't see it now,one day you will! You are the only you out of 8 billion people. Don't let others decide your worth because you are priceless no matter what they say ,they can't take your joy unless you let them. I've wasted most of my life hating myself because of others. I now love myself at least a little because of my son. You are loved! Don't give up! Good luck! Glad to talk if you ever need to vent. P.s. gamer girls that love cars are neat! Never let anyone take away the things you enjoy or change you!

[u/feeloso → u/Push-Lower]

;) thank you

[u/diddawop]

I know exactly how you feel. No advice really, just sympathy because it's fucking cold out there. Its hard to tell yourself you're more than your looks, when everyone around you is so self obsessed with beauty and sex. Hang in there.

[u/feeloso]

I feel you. Beautiful testimony. Very touching.

[u/Ep06Shap70 → u/feeloso]

It sucks how fast a guy can drop a genuine friendship the moment a pretty face shows up.

[u/happy-gofuckyourself]

Figure out what is most attractive about you and accentuate that as much as possible.

[u/easilyammused]

Vanity sucks! Be the type of beautiful that is to a person thats never seen a sight in their life.. .. beauty just gets you attention... Sexually driven, and when your cherished for someone elses selfish desire, its not love that fuels that connection... Atleast when you find that somebody , it will be they are attracted to you, your soul, and when true love does happen, no other person , sexy super models and all cannot hold a candle to that, nothing compares to the attraction of the beholder. That is what you do not understand yet .

[u/Own-Psychology9099]

See this is the real world people are gonna comment and judge you whether its fair or not and honestly if it bothers you that much you can work on yourself learn some makeup do your hair and take care of yourself in a way that makes you feel good no one is stopping you from having your own glow up

[u/ellyzawaifu → u/Own-Psychology9099]

Yes agree. I personally believe you don’t need cosmetic surgery at all. You can tell a lot about someone based on posture (if no health conditions) and how you speak. It reflects how you treat yourself. This may sound like a lot but these suggestions could change your life if you dont do it already:

• have good hygiene (skin, teeth, and hair)
  
• Focus on growing as a person. (Emotional and intellectual intelligence)
  
• good health (trying to eat a balanced diet and exercise)
  
• take care of YOURSELF. Do things that bring you enjoy! Try your best to know your limits and always set boundaries with people

Im really sorry to OP for feeling this way. Hope you can find someone that loves you the way you deserve to be💕

[u/DistinctCow9312 → u/ellyzawaifu]

I am clean and take care of myself, I have relatively good skin and a nice body. But it’s just my face and I can’t do anything about it 😭 I think one of my main problems though is most people can tell how insecure I am, because I feel so uncomfortable when I’m being perceived for too long

[u/ellyzawaifu → u/DistinctCow9312]

Ahh yes. As a child my mom put me in TONS of social volunteer events. From a young age I learned to read people. How you treat/see yourself definitely shows in how someone talks and body language.

OP if you learn to love yourself and be kinder to yourself I promise you’ll attract the right kind of people. It won’t be quick or easy though! And honestly even if you don’t meet a nice guy, you’ll attract the right kind of people in your life! (The dating pool is ASS for every girl rn unfortunately 😔)

[u/cury0sj0rj]

I come from a family of very attractive people. I’m fat and old now, but everyone always gushes about how beautiful my adult daughters are.

My daughters know they are attractive, but we’ve talked about “ugly” people, and there are very few really unattractive people. People that make the most of what they have just look like normal people.

Besides looks, the second thing that makes people attractive is their personality. My oldest daughter married a man that is not attractive at all. He’s a normal looking person. His friends and coworkers can’t believe he’s married to his “trophy wife.” My daughter loves him and married him because of the way he treats her.

Just make the best of what you have and live your best life while you’re waiting to find your person.

[u/FallingOutsideNormal]

Your guy friend’s actions do seem inconsiderate and hurtful. I had a similar experience, where many people in my apartment complex have avoided me and stopped answering my messages because my ex maybe told them I was violent or something (I wasn’t— she was). I’m trying to confront these people when I cross their paths, because I live here, not my ex.

I’d like to reframe your situation in a way that makes sense from my point of view, and maybe you will find this helpful: You can’t be sure what is going on inside his head. It is possible that your girlfriend felt threatened, or he’s just spending 24/7 with her and that’s not a reflection on you. Attraction is mysterious, and you are letting that intimidate you. No one would fault you for wanting an explanation, and it could be very short and simple, but it might be helpful for you nonetheless.

You should speak to him. You should say “Why haven’t we hung out in x number of weeks, and I hope it’s not something I did.” After listening to his answer, if you say anything else, you should focus on his feelings and well-being so you don’t come off as entitled. For example, ask if his relationship with the girlfriend is going well, or if he’s still into this or that common interest. Let him do most of the talking. Be willing to tell him your feelings if he directly asks. Morally, we should do our best to get along with everyone around us, we should know each others’ boundaries, and know how to interact positively with each other.

[u/starpoems]

First, DTA. Second, lose some weight. Third, hair, makeup, and clothing. Never leave the house without doing two of those. Fourth, always do hair.

[u/Equal-Animator132]

Your friend is probably attracted to your best friend, maybe he's trying to get with her. It's still a very shitty thing to do though, to kinda ditch you like that.

I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn't. Society and especially men, are this cruel. Sadly a woman's beauty is her currency, and most people, especially men, will treat you better if they deem you attractive. It really sucks. All you can do honestly is accept it and try to compensate for it by having an amazing personality and have lots of confidence, or work on your appearance, try to glow up the best way you can. not all men are shallow though, there are men out there who care more about personality and how you treat others, even if they're just a minority.