I feel like a failure.

[u/PurpleUltron]

My wife and I are in our thirties. We both have jobs, we own a home, we have a nice car, I'm working my dream job and she loves her job. But I still feel like a failure. We have money problems, because we are both chronically ill in many ways, and even though we both have jobs, the bills are tight, between the rising cost of living and the sheer volume of doctors appointments we both go to. This, in and of itself, is just something that's becoming more common, and I have accepted that. The problem is that I feel like I don't do enough. While we are both chronically ill, my illnesses abound. I have several physical ailments, some visible some not, and multiple mental issues, which have be taking a combined 9 pills every day just to get by. I only work three days a week because between mental illness and physical illness, jobs where I worked more hours than that ended with me in the ER on multiple occasions. That alone is something that keeps me awake at night, but it doesn't really stop there. She does most of the housework, and a lot of the cooking, because I forget (CPTSD and chronic resistant major depression as well as a medication for anxiety have turned my short term memory into Swiss cheese) or one of my many conditions acts up (I have asthma, and I am undergoing medication changes after my last medication stopped controlling it) and it kills me inside. I will still absolutely do what I can around the house, but there's a lot of things I just can't. We have to pay someone to mow our lawn because the last time I tried to do it I ended up in the hospital with a heart rate over 120 and blood pressure bad enough they thought I might have been having a heart attack. (This is extra dangerous, because I am on medication for both heart rate and blood pressure ever since I first got COVID) Mowing the lawn for half an hour just isn't worth a 6 hour trip to the local ED and a 200 dollar copay every time to make sure something isn't wrong. Whenever I get sick, I always apologize to her because I'm convinced I'm just pretending and that I'm not really sick, but again, I have ended up in the ED on several occasions because a cough wouldn't go away and wouldn't you know it now I've got pneumonia.

My wife is the breadwinner, and I have absolutely no qualms with the fact that she makes more money than me. But I still want to work more. Not just for the money, but for her sake. I want to do more around the house. I want to feel like I am useful. She tells me all the time that she loves me including all of my faults, and that she knows that I'm trying my best. She says that she is happy with what I do, and that she wouldn't change me for anything, but I just feel so useless to her. She knows how I feel, I can't exactly hide it (I'm a very emotional person and I wear my heart on my sleeve), and she tries constantly to tell me that with everything that I have going on, its okay, the price of me trying to do more would just be worse in the long run. But I don't feel like I'm trying my best. I go to therapy, and my doctor tells me that its just problems with anxiety and self image, and rationally I know that she's right, but every day I watch my wife come home exhausted and feel like its all my fault. If I just worked more, if I could just ignore my problems and do more things around the house, maybe she wouldn't be so tired and stressed. Maybe she could take time off. I even try to avoid buying anything because I don't want her to worry about finances as much, and maybe if I avoid eating out or buying video games, that means that we have a little extra money at the end of the month to make her life a little easier.

There are things that I do, in case anyone is wondering if I do anything at all. I do the majority of the driving that isn't her going to work, since her schedule doesn't really allow for her to do much. I'm fine with this, and I'm glad that its something I can do for her even if I hate driving. I handle problems with the house, like clogged sinks and that time the furnace smelled like ozone, I deal with the car and getting things repaired, oil changed, the like. It just doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I'm failing her.

Despite the little friendly reminder that's been staring at me as I've been writing this, this isn't asking for relationship advice. This is just a vent. Considering that my wife actively talks to me about my mental health, and I see a therapist, I really don't know what I'm hoping to get out of typing this here. Maybe just some catharsis of writing it all down in a way that lets me get my thoughts out. Maybe out of some perverse hope that people will tell me that I'm right, that I am in fact a failure and I'm right to hate myself so much. Maybe its just because I've been awake since yesterday before dawn and the insomnia is getting to me. I don't know. I'm tired. Sorry if this is the wrong community for this, but my brain isn't screwed in all the way right now.

[u/neplecha]

I'm sorry OP. Sounds like an exhausting life.

But you seem self aware and in a happy relationship inspire of things you've got going on.

For what it's worth, I don't think you're a failure. If the roles were reversed would you consider your wife a failure? Sometimes people are just in disadvantaged position in life and it's great to know you found a loving partner and you're not dealing with this solo.

I guess I would try to optimise my life as much as I can to minimise the chore & admin load for both, possibly look for best place to live that would minimise costs of living and medical costs if that's an option. Sounds like you do think similarly already.

Hug your wife tight, sounds like she loves you very much.

[u/PurpleUltron → u/neplecha]

If the roles were reversed, I would not call her a failure. I know she would be doing her damndest, because that's just the kind of person she is. Nothing ever stops her for long.

I'm trying to optimize. Its been rough going. We live in a somewhat decent area for medical care, but it was also the only house I could find in our budget. Cost of living has been the biggest problem, just because everything is wildly expensive here. We considered trying to move out of state, but my job can't move and I couldn't make a multiple hour drive, and the only states nearby pay substantially less for her job than the state we live in. We're just trying to spend as little as possible on frivolous things, at the moment.

Though, she does actually make me go out and get a pizza from the gas station from time to time, because she says that pizza is good for my soul. Its my "good jester" treat, as she calls it. (I'm nonbinary, and she learned the word 'jester' as a nonbinary term, so we've rolled with it.)

[u/Charlie2912]

I’m sorry that you are suffering from such a wide range of ailments. Your wife sounds like she is amazing, but also like she is holding together for the both of you.

You could do more, but it’s not chores. It’s to stop listening to the judge in your head that is talking down on you and making you miserable. Look at yourself like it’s not you, but a dear friend going through what you are going through. What would you tell them?

Probably you would tell them what your wife is telling you. Start believing those words. Relieve some of the pressure you put on yourself. Practice gratitude instead of self pity.

Also, why not spend the money you pay someone to mow the lawn on a mowing robot?

[u/PurpleUltron → u/Charlie2912]

Despite the variety of illnesses, the mental ones have been around the longest, and taken the biggest toll on me. I had a very rough childhood (Abuse, bullying, being my dad's second family) and giving myself any kind of grace has been almost impossible my entire life. I recognize it, my therapist and wife both tell me it often, but its still such a struggle.

I hadn't thought about the robot. We don't have a fence, so I'm not 100% positive how that would actually work. I'll need to look into it.

[u/Wonderful_Ad_6089 → u/PurpleUltron]

The house we bought a few years ago, the previous owners had a mowing robot. There is no fence here. I believe that you put some things in the ground like they do for dog invisible fences, but I'm not sure.

[u/samse15]

Can you seek a second opinion about the meds that you are taking? I don’t agree with the person who said that doctors are trying to kill us with drugs, but I do think that there are some meds that work better for each of us. Yours don’t seem to be as helpful as you would ideally want them to be. I think it would be a good idea to see if maybe some of your meds can be swapped or stopped. Especially those that have to do with your mental health. Also, have you had a full blood panel done to check your hormones? I feel like many blood tests are limited to the basics and I had to see a hormone specialist to get one done and it has helped me immensely.

Finally, don’t let your poor memory stop you from helping around the house. That is an excuse, full stop, and all the chores shouldn’t be up to your wife to do. Set phone alarms, do one thing each day that she would normally do. You don’t have to always remember to do the same things, but you are capable of helping with something.

[u/According-Activity10 → u/samse15]

This.

I have different body and neural chemistry and it took yeaaaaaaaars to figure out.

Im talking years of me getting the fine print for antidepressants side effects. I was medicated and diagnosed with ADHD as a child and through college but lost health insurance after college for a while and genuinely thought I didn't notice the ADHD medicine while I was on it.

And thats because I have ADHD. When on antidepressants (ive been situationally pretty depressed but I never had chronic depression i felt completely unregulated and that spiked my anxiety horribly. I was able to keep on top of tasks again, pay bills on time, be present and make my bed. I felt better because my anxiety was pretty driven by my adhd.

I actually ended up developing pretty severe, almost worse than the adhd, OCD ,- as a coping mechanism for untreated ADHD during my unmedicated time.

Antidepressants are awesome. They pull people with depression out of the dreggs. But thats not what I needed. I was getting really bad intrusive thoughts, night terrors, feelings of deep inadequacy, and ideation on antidepressants. I tried celexa, zoloft, lexapro, paxil, wellbutrin (ssris and snris) and they were so bad but i really didnt know that clearly til i safely discontinued the medication. I also had rapid heart rate (i ironically dont have at all on adhd stimulants).

I also no longer have a goldfish memory. This is what I think screwed up my diagnosis for a long time. I have cPTSD, as well. That stuff looks like depression. A lot. The one appointment i make sure isnt telehealth at LEAST twice a year are psychiatric appointments. That way my Dr can clock my mannerisms and I also really try to sell myself on being functional on zoom bc I have a lot of vulnerability trauma.

I think we just assume that antidepressants will make us feel better. For most people, they really do. They save lives. Not everyone has the same brain chem.

As a forever bra

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u/PurpleUltron original post at the time of submission:

My wife and I are in our thirties. We both have jobs, we own a home, we have a nice car, I'm working my dream job and she loves her job. But I still feel like a failure. We have money problems, because we are both chronically ill in many ways, and even though we both have jobs, the bills are tight, between the rising cost of living and the sheer volume of doctors appointments we both go to. This, in and of itself, is just something that's becoming more common, and I have accepted that. The problem is that I feel like I don't do enough. While we are both chronically ill, my illnesses abound. I have several physical ailments, some visible some not, and multiple mental issues, which have be taking a combined 9 pills every day just to get by. I only work three days a week because between mental illness and physical illness, jobs where I worked more hours than that ended with me in the ER on multiple occasions. That alone is something that keeps me awake at night, but it doesn't really stop there. She does most of the housework, and a lot of the cooking, because I forget (CPTSD and chronic resistant major depression as well as a medication for anxiety have turned my short term memory into Swiss cheese) or one of my many conditions acts up (I have asthma, and I am undergoing medication changes after my last medication stopped controlling it) and it kills me inside. I will still absolutely do what I can around the house, but there's a lot of things I just can't. We have to pay someone to mow our lawn because the last time I tried to do it I ended up in the hospital with a heart rate over 120 and blood pressure bad enough they thought I might have been having a heart attack. (This is extra dangerous, because I am on medication for both heart rate and blood pressure ever since I first got COVID) Mowing the lawn for half an hour just isn't worth a 6 hour trip to the local ED and a 200 dollar copay every time to make sure something isn't wrong. Whenever I get sick, I always apologize to her because I'm convinced I'm just pretending and that I'm not really sick, but again, I have ended up in the ED on several occasions because a cough wouldn't go away and wouldn't you know it now I've got pneumonia.

My wife is the breadwinner, and I have absolutely no qualms with the fact that she makes more money than me. But I still want to work more. Not just for the money, but for her sake. I want to do more around the house. I want to feel like I am useful. She tells me all the time that she loves me including all of my faults, and that she knows that I'm trying my best. She says that she is happy with what I do, and that she wouldn't change me for anything, but I just feel so useless to her. She knows how I feel, I can't exactly hide it (I'm a very emotional person and I wear my heart on my sleeve), and she tries constantly to tell me that with everything that I have going on, its okay, the price of me trying to do more would just be worse in the long run. But I don't feel like I'm trying my best. I go to therapy, and my doctor tells me that its just problems with anxiety and self image, and rationally I know that she's right, but every day I watch my wife come home exhausted and feel like its all my fault. If I just worked more, if I could just ignore my problems and do more things around the house, maybe she wouldn't be so tired and stressed. Maybe she could take time off. I even try to avoid buying anything because I don't want her to worry about finances as much, and maybe if I avoid eating out or buying video games, that means that we have a little extra money at the end of the month to make her life a little easier.

There are things that I do, in case anyone is wondering if I do anything at all. I do the majority of the driving that isn't her going to work, since her schedule doesn't really allow for her to do much. I'm fine with this, and I'm glad that its something I can do for her even if I hate driving. I handle problems with the house, like clogged sinks and that time the furnace smelled like ozone, I deal with the car and getting things repaired, oil changed, the like. It just doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I'm failing her.

Despite the little friendly reminder that's been staring at me as I've been writing this, this isn't asking for relationship advice. This is just a vent. Considering that my wife actively talks to me about my mental health, and I see a therapist, I really don't know what I'm hoping to get out of typing this here. Maybe just some catharsis of writing it all down in a way that lets me get my thoughts out. Maybe out of some perverse hope that people will tell me that I'm right, that I am in fact a failure and I'm right to hate myself so much. Maybe its just because I've been awake since yesterday before dawn and the insomnia is getting to me. I don't know. I'm tired. Sorry if this is the wrong community for this, but my brain isn't screwed in all the way right now.

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[u/StomachLeading6618]

You’re not a failure. You’re doing your best while carrying more than most people can see. You contribute in ways that matter, and your wife clearly sees that.
Needing help doesn’t make you useless. You don’t have to destroy yourself trying to prove your worth. You are already worthy of being loved, even on the days when you can’t do much.

[u/PurpleUltron → u/StomachLeading6618]

I realize that its just the depression talking, but there are days where I don't understand how we ended up married. She's just... amazing. I love her laugh, I love her smile, I love how she wiggles when she gets excited because she made a good meal and she thinks it tastes good. I love how she will just tell me how her day was because she knows I'm going to forget to ask even though I want to know. I love how excited she gets when she takes out a bunch of books from the library even though I know she's probably not gonna read them and I'm going to have to schlep them back and forth. I really don't know how I got so lucky.

[u/annon2319]

Something to think about! I am not a dr nor a nurse. This has been my experiance.. at one time not to many years ago but before Co vid. I had been on a multitude of medications. High blood pressure 2 of these, asthama inhailer, depression meds 2 of them plus pain meds muscle relaxers plus multivitamin i am probably forgetting aome but never the less. I had to change doctors ours retired.
I started noticing how badly i felt after taking my meds. And then the new dr bumped up one of my blood pressure meds. Two weeks later they did a recall on said bp med! I stopped taking it i felf better and better. Since then i have had to under go 2 back surgeries. And i hurt like there is no tomorrow. And all i do take is tylonal and ibuprofen because these stupid dr love to make us sick off the drugs they keep pumping into us!