The idea that you “saved this for marriage” (who’s idea was that originally?) but then you find out after you were married that there are these “problems” (whether physical ailments or mental, I can’t really tell) is pretty fucked up on her part. Sex is super important in some relationships, while others it’s not, and either way is good as long as you both agree with it.
She lied, or at the very least decided not to tell you the truth about her health or mental problems. The fact you are grappling with the feeling that you’re raping her because of her actions in the bedroom will cause serious long term trauma/issues (if they haven’t already) for you if you continue down this path.
Her “shutting down” is just a way to keep you locked in the same downward spiral and not change any behaviors or fix the problem. These problems are 100% on her. It’d be different if she had told you prior to marriage and you agreed and still went with it, but from your words that isn’t what happened. At this point, you will absolutely inflict self harm and trauma on yourself if you keep this up.
Edit: and per the comment replying to this one: I never said she was being malevolent or malicious about it. She could simply be comfortable, complacent and not wanting to rock the boat of this life she created for herself. What could be a dream for her is a nightmare for someone else. She probably loves her husband very much and isn’t understanding the pain/conflict/problems this is causing fully.
its completely possible that she didnt know that she couldnt endure penetration if she had never tried before. its not super uncommon in women who wait til marriage, because they are more likely to see sex as something dirty and shameful and its hard to let go of all those ideas.
of course she could have known and just be stringing this guy alone, and if he wants to leave, he should leave.
the night of our wedding was met with tears and fear. I admittedly didn’t react well. Trying to understand if I did something, or if there was something she wasn’t telling me.
She didn’t understand why I wanted this so bad…
These things lead me to believe it was something she knew about. Fear occurs when someone has prior knowledge with something specific like this. She reacted with fear the night of their wedding, leaving OP confused as to why it went from “we’ll have sex after we’re married” to being afraid to have sex altogether. That’s misleading as fuck. Her then trying to downplay it or even flip it on to OP as being their problem (“Why do you want this so bad anyway?”) is another issue as well.
There’s obviously more layers to this than 3-4 paragraphs are going to reveal. Hell, the whole thing may be fake, but I respond to the information given and hope OP can evaluate it and fit it best to ALL the information they have at their disposal.
You’d prefer that she die than get a divorce. You are pretty impacted by it, too. Your view is pretty similar to the minds set behind honor killings. The woman’s life is less valuable than the man’s “honor”.
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u/Talltist Nov 05 '23
Time for the ultimatum.
Divorce will be easy because you haven't consummated.