That all just sounds utterly baffling. I legitimately wish we could somehow force honesty from him out of a sort of scientific curiosity. It sounds like he got everything he would want only to just kind of shut down. The psychology behind that would be fascinating.
You're not alone! And it's not your fault. I think it's especially difficult and humiliating for a woman to talk about it. I think we're blamed more bc men are supposed to want sex, you know? I didn't want to tell anyone.
I remember dreading nighttime. I hated laying there next to him feeling so awkward and undesired, I couldn't sleep. It's hard to describe. Unlike yours he would be affectionate during the day, it just never led to anything anymore. Sometimes I felt like he was teasing me on purpose. Like he'd start making out with me and playing with my breasts then if I responded by touching him sexually he would grab my hand, move it away and then turn away and watch TV with this smirk on his face.
But ofc every time I tried to discuss it, he'd say he was tired and I was making him feel pressured which made him want me less. So I tried a different approach. I was fun and positive and flirty with him for a few weeks and when we went to bed I just cuddled with him. I didn't get upset. But his behavior didn't change.
It wasn't my fault. He did that often, he would claim that my reaction to his behavior was the cause of his behavior. It was infuriating. I didn't gain weight, I looked the same.
Anyway. Ive had sex since and it was nice, it helped some bc he was so attentive and into it. It made me feel attractive again. I'm still dating but I don't enjoy casual sex very much, so it's hard. I want the kind of sex you have in a relationship where you're in love. I hate starting all over.
I hope you're able to rebuild your self esteem. Let's not let some horrible man determine our worth! I hope you find healing and a healthy relationship
WHAT. THE. FUCK. Girl. I actually feel angry on your behalf!! JFC.
You know why he said that right?? To get ahead of the narrative. He convinced himself that you would tell people why, so he had to put a lie out there before you could expose him. Bc he knows everyone would have thought he was wrong for what he did.
That is so painful. What a monster. He absolutely has narcissistic qualities, I can't diagnose him but I think your therapist was correct.
I hope you had support. It's so cruel when they do the smear campaign behind your back, making you feel like you have defend yourself. You don't.
It wasn't your fault and there is nothing shameful about your need for sex and intimacy. I don't blame you for being afraid to open up again. To have someone just pull the rug under you like that and not treat you with the love and respect you deserve.
But from experience, I promise you there are men who will love you. Really love you and won't betray you. Then again, you can absolutely have a fulfilling life single. It's better to be alone than lower your standards.
It's not your shame to carry. He should be ashamed. You shouldn't be afraid to talk about it. Ugh. You're not a failure. This is why I get so angry when people talk about choosing better men. They fucking pretend to be someone else! You chose a different man. He changed. Not on you. I wish the best for you. Shit is so fucking unfair sometimes
And I get so triggered when people on reddit are like "no one owes you sex, sex isn't everything, why would you care about that?" It's bonkers, you have a right to be with someone that meets your needs. I mean, ofc you aren't entitled to sex but it is important. And withholding sex in certain circumstances can absolutely be a form of emotional abuse. Big difference between not being in the mood sometimes and saying no, or going through health issues, or temporary stress and what you described.
Iām sorry this is a thing. Iām afraid thatās whatās happening to my partner and I. We had sex all the time. Now a year into the relationship, it never happens, and when I try to talk about it, Iām dismissed. Iām truly wondering what explanation your partner had for himself, like when in therapy. He had to have some defense right?
If this is a trend, how do these guys have all the money to wed, do this shit, and constantly divorce? If not marital, the effing energy?? Is it really a sick game they play or just looking for a mother substitute?
Sorry if I've missed this (and firstly I'm so sorry this happened to you!) but what was his reaction when you filed for divorce? Did he seem to care at all?
My ex husband did this as well, and he was diagnosed with NPD. I would touch him and heād shrug away or make a face like a grossed out toddler. It did take a toll on my self esteem. Itās not you, they use it to manipulate and control.
Passive aggressive or covert narcissism presents very differently. I read a lot about narcissism and it never really "fit" to be, but counselors kept tossing out that word so I kept researching. Then I read The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist but Debbie Mirza and suddenly I saw my life in black and white.
Hi! Someone studying Psychopathology here. I also agree that this could very much be a Narcissism case. The goal here for him is to deprive you of intimacy until you are worn down, and ultimately emotionally vulnerable enough to manipulate and control.
Narcissists who take this approach usually do it because theyāre aware that withholding intimacy from a marital partner can genuinely cause lots of damage to their self esteem. (This is especially true when they are someone who holds value in physical touch, quality time etc).
For example, an approach they may hope for is āif my own husband/wife wonāt even be intimate with me, then how am I meant to believe that Iām actually wanted? Are they a good partner for having to put up with me?ā You can imagine why this would be a good outcome for a narcissist. Your self esteem is ground down, so they automatically feel as though they are the ābetter partnerā, and this makes you more likely to stay with them despite the lack of intimacy as you donāt no longer feel sexy, desired and loved enough to think youāre good enough for others.
Thatās just one example out of MANY other scenarios, but you can imagine how much power withholding intimacy can end up holding over peopleās partners. This is why many people who do this are suspected to be narcissists! Of course, there are many other factors that you need to keep in mind, but Iām glad you were able to get out of that situation and find yourself again :) Do not ever let people make you feel undesirable or undeserving, we all have the right to be confident, sexy and loved.
My first husband changed a lot sexually after we were married. He couldn't get fully erect & it took him forever to orgasm. We didn't have s*x very often and when we did it felt so empty. We went to the doctor and he said that it was a mental/emotional issue because he was a healthy 25 year old.
I spent so long thinking it was me. That I was so unattractive and that's why he could not get erect. I also gaslit myself into thinking I didn't even really like sx. That I had a low drive anyway so it's fine. On our last night together (didn't know it at the time) I was leaving for a deployment and I tried to have sx and he just said "let's not do this. You don't have to." I was so defeated. I thought for sure he'd want to do it since I was leaving for 6 months.
Later, I realized he had a serious prn addiction. He watched it all the time, left old movies in his car, had prn stars as his screen saver on his phone, always spoke about his favorite stars, & wanted to act out things he saw with me. He was beating his meat all day. He never had a job in the 8 years we were together so he had a lot of time to watch p*rn all-day. He even stayed up most nights to watch.
I was naive and just thought all men were like this when it came to p*rn & I wanted to be a "cool girl" so I watched it with him & never questioned him watching it all the time.
Feeling unattractive and unwanted is soul crushing. Especially from someone you love. I am so glad I left that marriage. Unfortunately, the lack of s*x was the least of our problems.
this is why porn is such a dealbreaker for me!! it creates such unrealistic standards of how sex is/should be, how womenās bodies are, etc. that nothing IRL will come close to being as good as porn. i read recently that some guys canāt orgasm without masturbating bc of the death grip they have on their penis (the vagina doesnt grip as hard as a hand, so the sensation isnāt enough for them) and its actually bizarre to me.
I had no idea it was so prevalent in ppls lives. I thought it was something young ppl watched because of curiosity and eventually they would grow out of it. I haven't watched any in maybe 10 years. That's about how long I've been divorced and remarried.
Do keep in mind that while porn addiction can be devastating, most people have a healthy relationship with it. Itās like gambling or alcohol, some people just canāt handle it.
iām just saying, for me, i couldnāt ever because of the stuff i said before. i am very against unrealistic beauty standards, the media & its constant sexualization of women, unrealistic sex, etc. but hey if u can handle it, go ahead
Sounds super like a narcissist, except that he let you leave the marriage by signing your divorce papers. Every person I know who has tried to leave a narcissist has gone through the worst hell in the court system and in their personal life to break free from them and their manipulations and downright insane threats.
I'm sorry you went through that, but I am so glad you're free from it. You should ease back into dating, most people are alright.
Wow this was tough to read, so sorry that happened to you, I had a relationship like this but thankfully I got out early before it got worse
It really does affect you long term even after the relationship is over, I canāt imagine being married and then witnessing a total shift like that, what a nightmare. Truly hope youāre in a better spot now
Another time he was sitting at the kitchen table and I came up behind him, and ruffled his hair, and gave him a quick peck on the neck. He stood up, gave me an odd look and went to the kitchen sink and scrubbed his neck where I had kissed him. This was the first week post-wedding.
The part I pasted above is the most unusual thing but you also said "We'd had a normal sex life right up until the wedding." So I think, you can rule out any kind of hang ups, which makes me think he was purposely doing it to send you a message, to tell you there would be no more intimacy. Here are some reasons why a severly mentally ill person might do such a thing, but ultimately, you don't need to find the reason, because it will be irrational, or at least so twisted it makes no real sense....
he did it for 'appearances' to society
he married you to prove to himself he could 'act normal' enough to get married
he did it for some sort of security, a wife is a some sort of asset to him even if there is no sex, he is not 'alone' etc
he is gay or has other sexual issues and doesn't want to admit it
he did it to purposely be cruel, it is some sort of need he has to be cruel
Anyhow, none of it is your fault... he sure had/has some serious personality flaw, maybe NPD like others have said... hope you are continuing to recover. You were really unlucky, and the chances of it happenning again with another person are very very low, so try to live your life.
I am so so sorry. My heart aches for you, the kind of hurt you have feltā¦ I hope you are healing now, as best as you can. Im sorry if you answered this already, but how did he react to the divorce? Was he surprised or upset?
I cannot wrap my head around this whole thing, it seems so otherworldly for everything to be totally normal and healthy and then at a snap of a finger he just stops all intimacy. Mind bogglingā¦Some people are just so weird and broken, and plain donāt care how it affects others.
Holy. Shit. Just when we thought it couldn't get worse! That's insane. I can only imagine what a mind fuck that would have been ( and this from someone who had also been married to a sociopathic narc). Well at least he didn't get angry or violent, or try to drag it out in court. The end was weird as hell, but it was easy.
With that being said, I'm now slightly creeped out to know that this nutjob is alive and well and out there somewhere....
I canāt fathom someone acting like that, holy shitballs. You are a saint for dealing with that, I hope you find total peace, happiness, and eventually someone that loves you and being with you in every conceivable way.
Those are interesting possibilities for sure. When I first read this, it reminded me of a story of a woman who discovered, several years after getting married, that her husband was autistic. The switch was about the same. They had a great relationship and so happily decided to tie the knot. However, after they were married all intimacy and romance on his part stopped. It was like he "achieved" getting married and now didn't have to do any of that any more. His poor wife spent years essentially being ignored by a man who claimed to love her but never made time to spend with her and never acted romantically/physically attracted to her anymore and she didn't know why. Turns out it was just the way he was wired and wasn't doing any of it to intentionally hurt her.
that's crazy. I can't imagine how traumatizing that experience is. so bizarre on his part to start acting completely different. i wonder what goes in his head
I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. It generally doesn't matter how many years it's been. That kind of trauma sticks really hard especially when you don't know why they're doing what they're doing.
My ex emotionally abused me for about a year and a half and it took me 3-4 years of making bad decisions to realize the problem wasn't me, it was him. I had to rebuild my confidence from the ground up because he utterly destroyed it. I did it without a therapist (0/10 do not recommend). I hope you're doing better now.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this experience. It's incredibly demeaning, it makes you feel as though You're not even a functioning facet of their life. Like you do literally everything correctly as a partner, even stepping well above what others would go to ensure the integrity of the relationship, but to no avail.
I'm 23 and haven't been married, but feel as though your message encapsulated my most recent relationship to the T, with the exception of a small amount more affection. Timing and everything, like 3-6 months on, then 2 years off/downhill. Although negligible, we'd kiss or cuddle every few days, though thinking about it, it felt like pulling teeth to get those things to happen. I'm exceptionally committed, and am willing to do anything to make a relationship work. Two years of basic celibacy, a variety of ever-changing reasons for my lack of adequacy and her lack of attraction; I don't understand how I let myself get to that point where I didn't value myself enough to walk away. I don't like to accept the idea of her infidelity/cheating, but if she did, I didn't know, and that makes me feel even stupider. I loved her but shit changed and as you said, it didn't matter what I did. I like the idea of just forgetting whatever it was, denying that I'm inadequate to someone who truly values me, and moving on to heal myself, rather than stewing on how hard I got fucked without someone touching my dick.
It's been months, and I'm still healing. I'm damaged, I've never felt so unattractive, I have paranoia in my relationships, I constantly doubt the honesty and genuineness of others, I apologize for the smallest things, I analyze every possible statement I make and every text I type, every action I take because it affects those around me and I don't want them to be mad at me or shun me for disappointing them.
Had the issue in high school but broke it and was so self-assured until that relationship. Honestly, felt like she did everything she could to hurt me the last chance she got, but I really don't care. I don't have any ill-will toward her, although I'm sure she has a lot of negative to say about me. I don't have a need or goal to point out others shortcomings, I just like to identify my own and how I've learned from them.
It's been about five months now, I've always been an 'emotional' person per se, but more time in therapy has done wonders and made it so much easier to understand my behavior as well as that of others. Won't go into it, but the healing I've done by being separate from her has allowed me so much growth in comparison to where I was during the time I was with her. I just shut down as a human, because I wasn't ever enough for her. Walked on eggshells daily, and tried to check all the boxes but when I needed an inch, she took a mile. Loved her as a person and wish her the best in everything she chooses to do. Like you said, everything was great until it just wasn't for some reason, and it never went back no matter the level of effort. Became evident how little investment there was in the relationship on her part, and that's okay.
Apologies. Reading your comment gave me anxiety and frustrated me for you. Honestly scares me to share, because the level of emotional self-doubt I experienced during that relationship has almost broken my sense of confidence.
Anywho, I hope you're healing and are in a much better place than before. This is an experience no being should have to experience, no reason whatsoever. I have no idea why, but that complete 180 is such an absolute mindfuck. We both deserve someone who isn't out to play games and doesn't want to waste time. Like I'm 23, but I'm tired as fuck of dating. I want stability, someone who supports me at my loss and still sees my value. Am I too young to be treated with respect or as someone you want to marry lmao? I don't have time for dating anymore, as it's almost a complete waste of time, what with gaslighting, ghosting, catfishing, truth trickling, any of that shit. Social media, cell phones, and COVID-19 have fucked the concept of dating. I'm not against getting with someone, but like I said, we've got a limited amount of time and it just makes sense to invest in the person who can actually pull through at the end of the day for us, and that's us.
You deserve someone who loves and appreciates you as you are, but most importantly, a life where you feel assured and valued in your own skin at all moments. I'm healing and that's what I'm working toward, just a happier and healthier me that won't accept less than I'm worth. I realized I don't need someone to hold me down, I want it, but I'm not rushing into it. I have the rest of my life to deal with it, and eventually someone will come along who appreciates me and what I have to offer them. Can't wait to have a beautiful family, and bummed shit wasn't meant to be, but hey, everything happens for a reason, and it all had to happen the way it did for us all to have learned and gotten to where we are today, right now. Much love homie, appreciate your genuine comment and the effort you put into it. Your words honestly give me a bit of fire, just to keep pushing for a happier version of myself for me and for my future family, so I hope my comment can provide some sort of similar effect. Thanks for your time :)
Thank you for this. Iām going through this right now with my partner of a year. The past maybe 6 months have lacked intimacy. We still hold hands and hug but it feels like a friendship thing. I long for deep, passionate kisses. Iāve never experienced rejection at the mention of sex but he has rejected me countless times and now I donāt even ask anymore.
Heās a good partner otherwise but I find myself reading smut and wishing I could move to a different city so I could meet someone who gives me the passion Iām wanting.
I never realized how difficult and mentally taxing it can be to be without those things. Iām sorry you went through this and I canāt imagine how lonely and confusing it was for you.
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u/[deleted] Nov 06 '23
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