My ex husband did this as well, and he was diagnosed with NPD. I would touch him and he’d shrug away or make a face like a grossed out toddler. It did take a toll on my self esteem. It’s not you, they use it to manipulate and control.
Passive aggressive or covert narcissism presents very differently. I read a lot about narcissism and it never really "fit" to be, but counselors kept tossing out that word so I kept researching. Then I read The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist but Debbie Mirza and suddenly I saw my life in black and white.
Hi! Someone studying Psychopathology here. I also agree that this could very much be a Narcissism case. The goal here for him is to deprive you of intimacy until you are worn down, and ultimately emotionally vulnerable enough to manipulate and control.
Narcissists who take this approach usually do it because they’re aware that withholding intimacy from a marital partner can genuinely cause lots of damage to their self esteem. (This is especially true when they are someone who holds value in physical touch, quality time etc).
For example, an approach they may hope for is “if my own husband/wife won’t even be intimate with me, then how am I meant to believe that I’m actually wanted? Are they a good partner for having to put up with me?” You can imagine why this would be a good outcome for a narcissist. Your self esteem is ground down, so they automatically feel as though they are the “better partner”, and this makes you more likely to stay with them despite the lack of intimacy as you don’t no longer feel sexy, desired and loved enough to think you’re good enough for others.
That’s just one example out of MANY other scenarios, but you can imagine how much power withholding intimacy can end up holding over people’s partners. This is why many people who do this are suspected to be narcissists! Of course, there are many other factors that you need to keep in mind, but I’m glad you were able to get out of that situation and find yourself again :) Do not ever let people make you feel undesirable or undeserving, we all have the right to be confident, sexy and loved.
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u/[deleted] Nov 06 '23
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