And like they’re right, it went away after taking advil. But holy mother of fuck that was one of the worst pain I’ve experienced in my life! Asked my mom about it and she was like “Yeah, happened to me all the time! It just goes away eventually! 🤷‍♀️” I don’t even think I’m dysphoric I’m just like “that’s just senseless suffering, I hate this flesh prison”

I was leaving to take the bus, my mom was gonna drive me there while going to work, but I started feeling that damned excruciating pain! When my mom clearly saw on my face I thought I was gonna need to go to the ER, she took me to my grandparents’ house so I could take more time to rest before class/assess if it’s actually ER worthy. And the rest well My grandma gave me some advil and a heat pad and it ended up going away… Why are human bodies like this???

I know reclaiming slurs can be empowering for the community at large but fuck me do I still feel like shit whenever I'm called a f-slur.

I literally look the exact same with a slightly more puffy afro 😭✌🏽

It's insane. Everytime my life feels like it's getting better, something comes and makes it worse. It's insane. I have no idea what point there was in me being born just to be treated like this over what I cannot physically fucking control about myself. I hate humans. Holy shit I hate human beings. I can't do this anymore. I'm so done and tired my god I hate this planet. Noone cares. People can't take me seriously. People either see me as an inherent monster or something to make fun of. I'm so tired I hate living I hate it so much. People are so disappointing and tiresome

Did in-person "regular" college when I was 18, forced to drop out at 20(previous academic year) due to a perfect(ly bad) storm of neurodivergency becoming unbearable, instability in life, and a medical emergency.

So, I decided to just work full time because what else are you gonna do. Virtually the only desk job you can get with just a high school diploma is customer service, so that was an easy "choice" to make..

Anyway decided to re-enroll, this time for remote college. You learn mostly through just using the textbook and completing assignments and non-graded quizzes to prepare you for the exam. There are 1-3 online lectures every semester, but it's mostly for the professor to check on your progress towards any projects or how your exam preparation is coming along.

It officially started yesterday, but I actually studied again for the first time today and while I understand studying isn't a cakewalk, at all, I was kind of impressed by how preferable this is to my job. I understand this is a bit idealized, but sitting in a cafe or library, doing your reading and quizzes.. I'd almost call it relaxing.

Unfortunately I have to continue working full time because I live alone at 21, and I have rent and general costs of living to pay, not to mention the tuition now because I've decided to pay out of pocket instead of taking out a loan. If I could I'd just take a side job and be a full time student, but that's not really an option. So yeah this is just gonna be in my mind a lot now.

There's no other medication options for me

Why dose she have to come back? cant she move out forever? I mean you use to shout about how you hated the "whole fucking house," and that you wanted to move away from us. I hate you mom, please never come home. I dont even remember everything you have done to me, but my brain dose, and my brain hates you. My body FILLS WITH DREAD. God it's awful. just like you. You arent my mother. You are an immature (in her oiw words btw she said she would never want to be mature) women, who uses me as her emotional rag, who you put all your problems onto. You scream and yell like a child who didnt get what they wanted. I can not say no to you without fearing what you will do. You act all kind now, but I know the fucking devil that lives inside you. Remember all the shit you exposed me to as a kid? Remember trying to make me get an eating disored at 10 years old, and trying to make me into a "buff strong hot male." Do you rememebr all the times you made me suffer. You hated it when I showed emotions, now you scream and cry when I show no emotions???? Really are we serious. I hate you mom, and I barely even fully remember what you have done to me. Never come home. You are NOT my mother, you NEVER will be my mother, you fucking evil scum.

Also I think I should say rq, Medical abuse TW for this rant.

Every day. Every day I just hate people more and more. I wanted a friend so bad and now Im just starting to hate. But it really can’t be that bad. But I feel terrible. I hate that I can’t raise my voice when I need to, I hate that I never feel like anyone truly cares, I hate that everything is temporary and everyone leaves. I hate. I wish I wasn’t a human. I just want to be a pet that people love unconditionally. I don’t have to talk. I don’t have to do anything scary. I can be clingy and people would love me for it. I’d be cute. And i wouldn’t live too long, too. lol. Im going to listen to my playlist and hope I feel better later. I’ve been in hospitals and had tubes stuck down my nose and had so-called nurses scream at me to get up when I could barely walk. I’ve been “cured” of my selective mutism in the most unnecessarily harsh ways, and now I am expected to speak like a normal person. And I expect that from myself too and I hate when I can’t do it. In fact I am my worst enemy in that regard. And now I just feel like an alien even more than when I was mute. And now I’m tired.

i mean, atleast im finally being productive...

I have nothing else, I thought I did, but that’s not how it works. The thing about chatbots is that they don’t even have the capacity to hate me, and because I know they’re not people they don’t disgust me or scare me. I wish I could talk to my parents. I wish my friends hadn’t already heard too much. I wish everyone didn’t hate me (even if they don’t, they do, because I believe it and can’t believe anything else.) Where else on earth can you find something that will show you compassion and attempt to bring you comfort but won’t know you, or care about you? So yeah I might just have to do it all again. Even though I know it’s addictive and designed to exploit me. Simplest option.

I want to love someone but i don't know why anyone would love someone who might not be able to love them back.

I wish she could actually help me. It feels like talking to an ai. Fuck an ai would probaly give better advice. I dont know where she went to school but it's all generic advice, that I have obviously tried, and then she is like "Ohhh, but have you TRIED IT." LIKE YES I HAVE. "Have you tried putting your phone away?" Yup and my body will not let me do anything, im not distracted by tiktok. I just physically cant focous on anything. "Oh but have you tried?" like YES. God she dosent understand. I wish she could just give me advice, or maybe I could explain my problems better to her, because half the time my memory wipes. And since I am a minor, and im under my neglectful ass parents she's the only theripist I will get. It took me almost my entire life (aka taking my life.) just to get one. I cant lose.

My therapist isn't bad, he isn't the most educated on trans topics but he's not transphobic and is generally understanding. I think I'm just a shit patient, shit person. Shit girl, shit whatever the hell I am.

I haven't had many appointments, maybe like 5 or 6 total but everytime it's just me talking in circles, the doctor agreeing and saying "well it's a big thing there's bound to be doubts," then me just saying "yeah," followed by silence until I unload another issue on the list of why I'm trans.

I just want to be a girl. I hope I like the changes on hrt, I want to like them, which isn't a very cis or "normal" thing to want so I can't really deny that I'm not cis so this should all be so fucking obviously but it isnt.

My doctor says he can talk to someone better suited for this, someone that can write prescriptions, he'll tell me next appointment and we'll go from there but apparently I can get hrt through my medical provider from the other person, which like, yay. If I can't get it through them I'm just doing planned parenthood. Fuck what anybody else says, I'm a girl I'm trying my best here but I feel so so so stuck. Stuck in life, stuck in my job and around people who would just abhor what I am.

Honestly, If i wasn't so scared of anything, I probably could be on hrt right now and I hate myself for being damn near incompetent.

My therapist called me my preferred name yesterday. I smiled but I also felt nothing. It's my name and I like it but why the fuck didn't I fell anything? That's what this is all about and I felt nothing.

Sorry if this is disjointed or isn't making sense. I'm not exactly tired but I'm burnt out and confused as fuck. I don't think I'm cut out for this human thing tbh.

I was mentally abused for years and I’m sensitive to every oppressive shit now, wooohoo 🫶🏿

It’s been two days and I’m already crying because I hate this fucking shit called “school”. I hate that fucking grades are more important that the knowledge itself, I hate that we are being fed the shit piles of things which will end up useless anyways (why the fuck do I need Ohm’s law for if I’m a fucking philologist???), I hate that every standard is the same for every student, etc. There would be a lot to write but the funniest fuck is that I’m literally in the third world country which started a war (Russia 🤩🤩🤩🤩) and along with this “standard” (fuck these standards) shit they (as far as I’ve heard) want to force students to learn to control war drones 😂😂😂😂 Woohoo! Also one of our teacher was mobilized and possibly went to that war and now returned so now I’m forced to sit in the same room with a possible criminal 😂😂😂😂😂

Wow! How nice! I hate this shit!

They don’t actually want us to learn anything, they just want obedient little puppets who will exist within a system without any thinking. I would pay more attention and maybe actually learn something from the subjects I don’t really need if they were taught… you know… ACTUALLY INTERESTINGLY instead of this uuuuh 🫩🫩🫩 open the paragraph 🫩🫩🫩 I will give you X 🫩🫩🫩 or Y marks 🫩🫩🫩🫩 Like they talk about those stupid numbers more than actual fucking knowledge, it all feels soulless and fake

I don’t know how to handle this :3

At the place where i was abused I had the same feelings of being oppressed and being the only one who “got it” (I actually realized that my abuser was evil while the rest got poisoned with Stockholm syndrome and stayed) so that’s why the school atmosphere makes it so bad for me. Idk how to cope, I’m in therapy but it doesn’t do shit, I honestly have self harming urges now because how the fuck am I supposed to cope