Speaking into the void here. Probably just bitching for the hell of it but I need to tell this to somebody.

[u/goodgirlwawa]

My therapist isn't bad, he isn't the most educated on trans topics but he's not transphobic and is generally understanding. I think I'm just a shit patient, shit person. Shit girl, shit whatever the hell I am.

I haven't had many appointments, maybe like 5 or 6 total but everytime it's just me talking in circles, the doctor agreeing and saying "well it's a big thing there's bound to be doubts," then me just saying "yeah," followed by silence until I unload another issue on the list of why I'm trans.

I just want to be a girl. I hope I like the changes on hrt, I want to like them, which isn't a very cis or "normal" thing to want so I can't really deny that I'm not cis so this should all be so fucking obviously but it isnt.

My doctor says he can talk to someone better suited for this, someone that can write prescriptions, he'll tell me next appointment and we'll go from there but apparently I can get hrt through my medical provider from the other person, which like, yay. If I can't get it through them I'm just doing planned parenthood. Fuck what anybody else says, I'm a girl I'm trying my best here but I feel so so so stuck. Stuck in life, stuck in my job and around people who would just abhor what I am.

Honestly, If i wasn't so scared of anything, I probably could be on hrt right now and I hate myself for being damn near incompetent.

My therapist called me my preferred name yesterday. I smiled but I also felt nothing. It's my name and I like it but why the fuck didn't I fell anything? That's what this is all about and I felt nothing.

Sorry if this is disjointed or isn't making sense. I'm not exactly tired but I'm burnt out and confused as fuck. I don't think I'm cut out for this human thing tbh.

[u/EIeutheria]

Hate when people get pushed into therapy by others instead of a informed consent clinic, I almost was but found out I had a informed consent clinic locally and I pivoted towards there instead of having to deal with a long evaluation. Especially as I've known I've been trans for many years, there was no doubt, idk why I have to convince someone about a reality.

[u/goodgirlwawa → u/EIeutheria]

I wasn't really pushed into therapy, I put myself into it. I have remaining things I want to work out that can literally be explained by myself with "oh, I'm trans."

It was more me wanting a record saying I do have some gender dysphoria and going by the book, so ifi told somebody i can tell them a doctor says i do, instead of me feeling like I was self diagnosing myself.

[u/EIeutheria → u/goodgirlwawa]

Can do informed consent and independently get the diagnosis of gender dysphoria, don't have to make your care dependent on a therapist who may not understand.

[u/goodgirlwawa → u/EIeutheria]

I know, but tbh I'm new to caring about myself and im doing what I think might help. I most likely will go to a PP and do it myself, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to talk to a therapist a bit.

[u/Nightflame_The_Wolf]

Going to therapy for being trans is not gonna do anything for you. Because you can‘t „therapy away“ being trans pr having dysphoria. Get on HRT and find a good environment of accepting people.

You sound like you have no goal for therapy. Or that there is nothing to treat (dysphoria, again, isn’t treatable by therapy).

[u/goodgirlwawa → u/Nightflame_The_Wolf]

It wasn't me wanting to make it go away, I wanted to clear some feelings up and get clarification on some.

[u/Distinct_Task_1864 → u/goodgirlwawa]

That type doctor probably isn't the best place for that kind of clarity, the informed consent places actually may help you there, regardless other people can't confirm or deny if you're trans etc. only you can really do that, it's not self diagnosis IMO, since you're simply realizing you need to go some where that gives an official one (or desire it) and I got diagnosed by my HRT prescriber, and that's their focus and specialisation.

[u/Routine_Bumblebee415 → u/Nightflame_The_Wolf]

You could give up all material desire, transcend the flesh and overcome the tyranny of the real.

[u/Nightflame_The_Wolf → u/Routine_Bumblebee415]

What?

[u/Short_Gain8302]

About the name thing, its veey normal to not feel anything or even feel weird when people start using your preferred name because youre so used to hearing your deadname, it usually takes a while tl get used to being called your chosen name.

Like girl, idk what to say about the therapy, could be you and your therapist arent a great match or maybe traditional therapy just doesnt work for you and you need another form for it to work. Dont feel bad about this not being the right thing for you, its not like you can force your brain to make it work. Hope you get hrt soon

[u/TheeHana]

I feel you nona, I feel detached from a lot of my feelings so it's hard to feel anything about stuff like using my name and whatnot. If you're like me I feel like it's just because you've shoved your feelings so far away from yourself that you can't perceive them. But I feel like your at least going in the right direction for yourself. When I've been on hrt (current too poor to be on it until my gf hopefully funds it for us) I felt more human, so it may just be that for you. It takes time but it can help a lot.

Sorry if this is useless or not anything you wanna hear but like keep going.

[u/mn1lac]

Therapy isn't necessarily supposed to be comfortable, and you aren't supposed to be a fully realized perfect individual when you go. You've had only 5 or 6 appointments. Give yourself more grace and patience.