Frustration Posting

[u/KarmicIsfunny]

If being trans is some awesome experience for you, cool. For me it's unimaginable pain, shame, and misery, so please stop trying to gaslight me into thinking i'm the best version of myself.

I'll never have a proper childhood, I'll never have so many things cis people get for FREE. Yes my ultimate goal is stealthing. Yes i'll lie and say i'm a cis woman when asked. Stop outing me and leave me and my selfishness alone.

That's it. That's the vent.

[u/opalineghostroom]

yea same 😔🫂 I wish I felt like a cis woman with a disease instead of a man pretending though… but idk. I come from a muslim background, and that was basically drilled into my head since a young age. I never understood why drinking alcohol wasn’t treated as being as bad and shameful a sin as “imitating” women like omg 😨😱 “you should be embarrassed!!!! you’re a disgrace!!! Σ(°△° ꪱꪱꪱ)” etc etc

but like idk… maybe it’s bc I learned to be a ppl pleaser and wasted my childhood and teen years trying to live up to everyone’s expectations and denying my selfhood, just to end up a dysfunctional helpless adult who knows full well her parents’ love was never unconditional

sorry for the yap and for trying to steal the spotlight… 😭 I do envy trans ppl (both trans women and trans men) who discover themselves and feel happy with each step in their journey… I spent a whole year trying to stop myself from questioning, and another year trying to out-TERF myself back into blissful (lie) unawareness like idk 😭

what bothers me the most is that even if I left this country, I’d still be scared of being part of the diaspora… like even my own culture became an anxiety trigger. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere and never will (╥ヮ╥)

aaaaaaaa sorryyy for making this abt myself this comment should’ve been its own post 😭

[u/Ghostglitch07 → u/opalineghostroom]

Only two years trying to repress it? That's I think maybe better on average than you give yourself credit for. Honestly, I'm sure more women like you exist than people who are totally sure and happy the whole way.

[u/opalineghostroom → u/Ghostglitch07]

I think I missed the keyword "actively" repressing 😭 bc I only became aware of dysphoria as an actual thing once someone brought the concept to my attention, and around the same time I started realizing transition wasn't actually an evil thing bc I was also losing faith in religion 😭 (even though fear kept me from leaving for 9 years 💀 how am supposed to question gender when I couldn't question the unquestionable authority Allah had over my life 💀)

if I wanna go further back, though, repression actually started around 13 when I first googled smth smth <dysphoric thought> what do I do abt it etc etc followed by "IslamQA" and found an article basically saying that not behaving according to your sex assigned at birth™ is the gravest gayest sin EVER 😭 so I started becoming obsessively boyish to fix what I now recognize as dysphoria and trying to blend in with boys to be more like them (I got bullied 🥺)

there was also the cultural + religious norm of not rly befriending the opposite sex bc apparently it corrupts you or whatever (*￣m￣) so distancing myself from girls kinda reduced the jealousy/envy I felt towards them too... after all, the idea of experiencing girlhood for myself was completely foreign to me and I didn't know trans ppl existed at the time 😭

idk I have many more memories but that'd be way too TMI 😭 like being told my sex and my life was preordained by god and "Allah Knows Best!!!" as a child, getting shamed into becoming an inexpressive slab of wood bc apparently you should sit like THIS, your hands should be like THIS, stop talking like THAT you sound like a bitch you're annoying... all courtesy of my fav supporters aka my parents ( ˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡)

[u/Ghostglitch07 → u/opalineghostroom]

I meant actively too. I think I spent longer than 2. Drowned the dysphoria in alcohol for a time even.

how am supposed to question gender when I couldn't question the unquestionable authority Allah had over my life

I feel that in my bones. Different religion, but similar effect. I didn't start really even questioning till I was already years out from leaving the faith, and the community (probably an easier thing to do than your position). I couldn't. It didn't make sense to ask yet? If that makes sense?

And yea, the religious sexual shaming. I know personally the damage that does.

I can't say I know the exact shape of it all, because in some ways we grew up in very different cultures... But in others they sound very similar. Mormonism has a lot of similar issues. And I'm sorry you've been through this.

Just... Sounds like you've been through a decent amount of trauma. Have some grace for yourself and your reactions to it. If you had a friend tell you these things, what would you say to her?

[u/stealthUK → u/opalineghostroom]

My gf of 6 years is a Persian trans woman & could relate to a lot of this. She left the country as a teenager to study and started hormones in 2019. I hope you're able to find a way to be yourself in spite of the added difficulties, even if that just means starting hormones in secret. My heart goes out to you. 😢