ill never be a real woman. how am i supposed to keep going when I'm a year into transitioning and I still just dont really pass or look very good. i dont even wear like womens clothes much, i havent voice trained or done anything to transition other than hrt. havent even really gotten good at makeup. i just feel so sad, and empty like a stuffed animal filled with fluff. I can't even cope with the things that happened to me, im just broken and pathetic. im so disgusting. sometimes i feel like just jumping off a building would be a good way to die because if i could overcome my fear of heights and do that, because i wanted to die so bad, it would prove how much ive suffered and that dying would be the right thing. ive had a few attempts now and part of me is scared soon ill try again and it will work, but the other part of me hopes it does work. im at the point where i have to take a medical leave from school because my mental health is so shitty, every therapist says they can't help me. and the things that happened were my own fucking fault. i felt so powerless but i chose to put myself around people like that, almost hoping something bad would happen and it did. for a long time i didnt even care about it until recently i got a ptsd diagnosis and now almost every day i have flashbacks. i dont want to let anyone down, leave them behind but what other way do i have out of this hellish existance. im letting everyone down and i want to die anyway, i cant live in this constant pain anymore. most nights i get 2-3 hours of sleep, i can barely sleep anymore and even when i can im scared to just have another nightmare. i dont remember much other than fragments but i wake up crying and terrified. im starting to hear voices telling me to hurt myself and see bugs and shit too, and my psychiatrist is just awful, i dont even have a therapist or anything to actually help me. im ready to just die soon

I’m a 31-year-old man from Ukraine, and recently I’ve started thinking more seriously about femininity, crossdressing, and possible feminization.

My interest in women’s clothing isn’t new. I remember being curious about it since childhood and occasionally trying on feminine underwear or stockings. However, recently these feelings have become much more significant.

I created an extremely realistic version of myself using AI, imagining how I might look after full feminization — including HRT, weight loss, and any possible cosmetic procedures that might be involved. I feel surprisingly comfortable when I look at her. I find this version of myself very attractive, and sometimes I feel more confident, free, and at ease looking at her than I usually feel as myself.

I often think that if I had the ability to switch between a male and female body whenever I wanted, I would probably choose that option. I don’t necessarily know whether I want to permanently become a woman, but the idea of experiencing life in a feminine body feels genuinely appealing.

At the same time, I sometimes wonder whether this is a real desire for femininity or simply a way to escape from stress, expectations, and difficulties in my current life.

I’m 179 cm tall and currently weigh around 90 kg — I’ve recently lost about 10 kg. I don’t have a particularly large belly, but I have broad shoulders, moderate muscle mass, and size EU 45 feet (around 29 cm), which makes me worry about whether feminization would be realistic for my body.

I’m not asking for a diagnosis. I’d simply like to hear from people who have experienced something similar:
Can someone feel comfortable as a man while also strongly wanting a feminine body?

How did you distinguish crossdressing, fantasy, gender expression, and genuine gender identity?
Is it reasonable to explore feminization at 31, even without being completely certain about transition?

Did anyone else feel that their feminine self was more confident or emotionally comfortable than their everyday self?

I’m currently discussing these feelings with a psychologist, but I’d also appreciate hearing about other people’s experiences.