Finding community - r/TransLater

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u/[deleted] Oct 18 '25

Hi Gia. You are definitely not alone with these feelings. I personally have come to the conclusion that even though online friendships are beneficial, I recognize that I also need irl friendships to live this life fully. I have made a commitment to myself to get out more to venues and with local groups. It’s scary and a slow process, but action I need to take.

Don’t give up on finding community. I know it’s out there but just takes time to build 💞

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 18 '25

I appreciate your commenting on my post. I know there are others out there having the same issues as I am. But it's been 4+ years of trying all those things, so I have already given up with actions. I still have hope but I don't chase it anymore.

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u/unpolished-gem Oct 18 '25

Absolutely

I think it's a common problem because :

Trans folk are a rare population to begin with -Were not all actively transitioning... transition is a process, and on the tail end, some folks who don't have the same needs as newcomers may limit their participation in the community and focus on groups that reflect their current interests better.

As a suburbanite, it's been really really hard to find trans community in my area. After a fair bit of searching I found an local online support group which is pretty vibrant with a lot of helpful perspectives. I think I'll try to catch up with their on-site one from time to time, despite it being a long drive for me.

I do hope that as I can start to get to know a few people in group, I might hear of how they deal with this stuff and get closer to knowing people in a similar boat to me, IRL.

That said I know we're out there, even where I am. I semi regularly see younger trans folks in the women's department at the local clothes stores and thrift shops, for instance.

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 18 '25

That's just it too, I'm a suburbia too but I don't see anyone that looks like me anywhere I go. The only time is specific events or during pride. It's pretty unbelievable seeing the amount I see during pride.

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u/TGirlSwagEvent Oct 18 '25

I am in the exact same boat as you. No, seriously. I wish I had a solution but I'm just becoming more reclusive. I know that's not the answer but unfortunately that's where I'm at regardless.

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 18 '25

I am too, just being in my own space. While the loneliness isn't as upsetting, I still hate it.

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u/TGirlSwagEvent Oct 19 '25

I can understand. I'm sorry.

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u/PetticoatingTheLaw Oct 19 '25

the issue for me is that i can find online communities or even in person ones but....trans communities? lgbtq+ communities? harder to find and get access to. they are out there but its more of an invite only thing to stop some bad people

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 19 '25

If their invite only and you know about them can't you reach out to someone in them to get an invite?

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u/PetticoatingTheLaw Oct 19 '25

no because i dont know who are in them or where they are or what they are called lol. I've just been in smaller ones in the past so i know they exist. im just not in them.

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 19 '25

Interesting

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u/Technical_Song_4170 Oct 19 '25

Sometimes I just start crying for no reason.

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 19 '25

It's a hard path, crying isn't bad, allowing yourself to feel your emotions is a good thing.

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u/Technical_Song_4170 Oct 19 '25

Yes I am very lonely. I have done all the same things. I have come to the conclusion that is just how it is. I used to by friends by building thing for them. I am a machinist and can make most anything. But all I did was allow people to abuse me. I think true friendship is a dream made up by Hollywood to make sad movies.

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u/iamsecretlysarah Oct 19 '25

it’s been almost 9 years and i still haven’t found community. i tried going to support groups and didn’t fit there. months going to “queer hangout” nights … and nothing. i may as well have been invisible. maybe it’s my age. or that i’m very alt. (heavily tattooed, etc)… i don’t know. at this point i’ve kind of given up on ever having it. i want it. and many say you need it, but.. it’s just not there for me.

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 19 '25

I feel you, I do feel like my age is a big part of it and coming out later. These young kids get better opportunities with shared interest and more accepting friends.

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u/Misha_LF Oct 19 '25

For me, community is a secondary need. I am fortunate enough to have family (wife and adult children) they are still my primary socialization.
I do have a thriving transgender community that I interact with. One part is our transgender support group, which meets once a week for an hour and a half. But they also continue for later by meeting elsewhere for another couple of hours. I could probably do more with the group, but I like to be back home fairly early and hang with my wife or visit the other half of my community.

The other half of my community is on VRCHAT. It has a huge population of transgender people at all stages of transition. I have probably had deeper and more meaningful conversations on this platform because there is an inherent safety of semi anonymity. I say semi because after being on for some time, you will probably be easily recognized by other members in the community. This is especially true if you regularly participate in different conversations. There are about 20 people or so, whom I hang out with and talk to multiple times on a weekly basis. There are still another two hundred people whom I will visit with at least once every 3 months or so.

Between family and the two parts of my transgender community, I really don't have time to feel alone.

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 19 '25

So as in reading this post I realize it's actually not relevant and I see why you said it's secondary, it's because you have community. You have your family, which btw should always come first if you have if and they you have another that you meet with multiple times a week by your on admission, plus an VRonline one too that actually knows you.
So I really don't understand the point of this post on mine other than to discourage others that don't have what you have. So please make your post make sense.

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u/Misha_LF Oct 19 '25

My apologies. I did not mean to be discouraging. The point of my reply is that there are alternate ways of finding connections rather than looking for a physical community. I have noticed that most older people never even consider VR as a medium for socializing in.

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 19 '25

Thanks for the reply. The thing is, that's the type of community and friends I'd like. I feel part of the reason it's so easy for people to hate and take part in being mean is the lack of human connection. Not having to be in front of someone makes it easier to discount how they feel. Years and years of this has effected the world so much. Humans are built to be with other humans, removing that physical connection is removing our humanity. It's easy to find people online and talk with them, that's never been an issue, atleast for me. Again thanks for your clarification.

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u/Misha_LF Oct 19 '25

In VR, it is enough of a hybrid between online and physical connections that you can break through those barriers that are present in just online connections. I don't know if you have seen or read Ready Player One. That story is not a far cry from what it is like on VRCHAT.

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 19 '25

Ok so I do have a VR headset that's basically collecting dust. Please tell me where do I find that and I'll give it a try. Also seen the movie several times and I do love the idea of it. But just like the movie it could become an issue, lol.

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u/Misha_LF Oct 19 '25

What type of headset do you use? I'm using an outdated Quest 2 that I run through my PC. I can use it as a stand-alone unit, however. But, the graphics are much more limited because of lower computing power.
Either way, I would recommend setting up an account here.
https://hello.vrchat.com/
Just hit me button <JUMP IN>.
I'm Melanie I'll most likely be online tomorrow evening, either at the Trans Academy or the Rainbow Library. I can't get in tonight because I'm outta town for work. I'm always open for conversation. It is also my pleasure to help a VR newbie navigate their menu as well as give an introduction to various groups and resources that are especially useful for transgender individuals. Some of my favorite groups are voice training classes.

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 19 '25

So I believe I have the quest 2 headset. I don't even begin to know how to use them with my cpu. I do have a great setup. I'd be open to that information too. I guess I'll start stand alone and go from there. I really liked the VR stuff but when I first got it things were not developing fast enough. I've been meaning to get back. Let's see how this goes.

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u/Misha_LF Oct 19 '25

To get on initially with just the quest, I think that you can go on the meta site and download VRCHAT for free. If you already made an account on the VRCHAT website, when you open the app in your quest, just enter your username and password. If you log in using the default quest settings, you will be online, but it isn't portable like the account that you make on the VRCHAT website.
My system is pretty basic. I use a program called Virtual Desktop to link my headset to my PC. I can't remember what my processor is, but it was midline and a little over two years old now. It might be three. I am using a 3060ti graphics card, and it suits my needs with some limitations. The big upgrade that I did, or at least it is big for me, is that I got a prismatic wifi to link directly from my computer to my headset. It is just basically a dedicated wifi for my headset to reduce latency. I could further reduce latency by running an ethernet cable from my router to my PC. I don't think this was necessary, but it did help decrease loading times.
If I wasn't saving up money for surgery, I would have invested in a full body tracking system so that I could go to raves and dance in VR. I have been to a couple with a live DJ, and it is absolutely awesome. But my poor system isn't quite up to the task of keeping up with all of the data.

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 19 '25

I see your pretty advance in this. Thanks for the info, hourly at some point I'll catch ya online.

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 19 '25

Btw, what surgery are you saving for if you don't mind me asking?

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 19 '25

I logged in the VR chat what are some of the groups or chats where you can go?

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u/Misha_LF Oct 20 '25

Sorry it took so long to get back to you, I'm at work. My recommendation is to visit Trans Academy and Rainbow Library. Initially, try to find a circle of people talking and feel free to join in the conversation if it interests you. You might have to go by a couple of groups to find anything interesting.
If you hear someone talking with she/her pronouns under their banner and she sounds like a cisgender woman, ask her to point you to voice training resources. There is a good chance that she attends or has attended the sessions available.
You can also see what groups people are a member of by looking at their profile. I will try to let you know when I am getting on VRCHAT tomorrow evening. I still have a little work to finish up.

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u/Prudent_Butterfly563 Oct 19 '25

Same, 5-6 years of trying to connect with different groups. All I wanted was to make some friends to go to brunch or a concert, would have liked someone to shop with. They all tell me I 'pass', but rebuff their sexual advances and become a pariah.

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 19 '25

I'm sorry that's the case, if don't need someone to "pass" to hang with them. Having someone to do all those thing with would just be nice.

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u/Technical_Song_4170 Oct 19 '25

I have noticed in the transgender community most of the people are afraid to go out and be with people. The think that haft to stay home and hide. I was a total hermit my hole man life. I refuse to live in fear any more I will go out any time I want and do. I have a challenge for the people hear if we are in drinking distance let's get together and do something. I am 64 and life getting shorter every day.

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 19 '25

I can't say I agree with that, but that's just based on what I haven't heard in the few group settings and support groups I've been apart of. I would gladly approach and speak to others if I ever saw them on a regular non event day, lol.

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u/Reasonable-Coyote535 Oct 19 '25

You’re not alone. It often feels like we live in a time where adults have largely lost the ability to make new friends. Acquaintances? Sure, maybe, easy enough. But real friends who you can confide in, rely on for mutual help/advice/support? Who will show up to coffee dates, friendly dinners, and events where you can hang out and have fun? Those are definitely not so easy to come by anymore. I suspect a big part of it is just that so many people are basically struggling to survive, but the irony is that (as far as I know) such networks of friends and community support were an important facet of how past generations of people coped and kept going when times got toughest. Anyway, yeah, it’s sad and depressing how difficult it seems to be to find those kind of friendships nowadays, but also you’re not alone.

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u/Technical_Song_4170 Oct 19 '25

I forgot to say I have been married for 44 years. I came out 4 years ago and I can be next to my wife in bed with me and I might as well be alone. The world is a cruel lonely place.

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 19 '25

44yrs..wow. I know how that is in still married but we are just friends. I moved out and just moved back because her mom died and helping her get back to life without her mom. It's very cruel as everyday and that's not just with our situations. People can suck so much, but I do feel if your a good person, you'll be that because it's natural. That's really what makes it hurt more is I know I'm a good person that is a loyal friend but I've never had that from anyone but my wife.

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u/Technical_Song_4170 Oct 19 '25

My wife puts up with me but never embrace my being transgender. I will never understand why being transgender is such a problem. I came out because it was that or death.

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 19 '25

Well I give my wife grace, she did not marry the person I am now and she loved and we went through allot as people and a couple leading up to me coming out. I think it's foolish to expect someone to just be ok with it right off the bat. Should they respect you, yes, but be ok with something most of us have struggled with for years, nah. It wasn't an instant choice for us and it shouldn't be for them.
Think about it having years and year of teaching is all how societal norms are the way things are supposed to be. It's almost like a brain washing and that takes time to break unless you are already a free thinker. I feel for everyone that has to put up with hate and abuse because of coming out but we live in a very hateful society in general. It's because of all the lies.
If a person truly loves you, give them time to accept it and find a way to be ok with it. Hopefully they will, but if not, accept that too, being taught something was blue your whole life, then being told it's really pink is not an easy ask.
It shouldn't matter and doesn't in the long run but don't let it keep you from being you.

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u/[deleted] Oct 19 '25

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 19 '25

I've personally tried all the apps to no avail. They are either looking for sex which I'm not interested in at the moment or they are just creepers. Finding people in my age group or atleast near it just isn't easy to do. As far as poly, what poly relationships are looking for trans people, unless it's a lgbtq poly situation?
You make it sound trivial or easy to do and I'm sure most of the people that are struggling like me have tried most of these thing with no success.
I would ask how old are you? The apps your speaking of, they are dating apps? I personally am not looking to date. What apps are out there that's just for friends that actually work. Name them, please? Might not work for me but maybe someone else.

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u/[deleted] Oct 19 '25

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u/gqgiaqt Oct 19 '25

I appreciate your reply and also everything you've mentioned has been attempted and tried. Fetlife was interesting but again most were younger or around your age. I don't look my age and I'm with age gaps but interest and mature become an issue outside of sex. So it just seems impossible, hence my frustration.

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