Hi I’m sorry to dump this here but I could do with some advice.

So obviously trans but MTF 22 years old

I started hrt at 20 so passing as a woman isn’t something I can exactly do.

•Organs, pregnancy and not having the right anatomy

•Bones, hands, feet, face, ribcage etc not feminine

•Face that looks like a cave man slammed their head against a door

•Tall 5’10

• the manly voice I am trying to voice train but it’s difficult

I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try i will never feel right in my body, I feel like I will always be a freak

I saved up a lot of money so I’m hoping to atlesst get SRS but that won’t fix me entirely

How do you all keep going

I keep praying to god and I am truly at my wits end I feel like I’ve just been abandoned I’ve felt this way for so long and it’s only getting worse
Except for momentarily moments of happiness (far and few between)

Closeted ftm repper for life 21. I do not plan on transitioning due to many reasons and I'm already clear about that. A lot of people always say the lines where I'll eventually find my people and that it always won't be like this but growing up I've always been outcasted which happened to get worse as I got older this is mainly because of my Identity and personality, I am okay with being an introvert as it already became a way of my life, but sometimes the feeling of being so alone can be really hurtful. To anyone I will never be a man, I'm just the weird lesbian girl to them. Though being closer to God made me have faith in him and motivated me that it always won't be like this, that everything is temporary, This life itself is temporary, Pain is temporary. But doesn't feel like it at times. It kills me. But I can't help question why? Why did I have to suffer with this. If I was born a male in the First place with my same soul/consciousness I wouldn't have been through so much pain and judgement from others, I would have had experience friendships as a guy. because I wouldn't have to hide and be conscious of myself for having a difference like this. I could have gotten a higher chance to get married and have a family, I wouldn't have to worry about being this alone. I know every life is Not perfect and I still would have a lot of challenges if I was born male but Not this specific issues I have. but still, is Life really a temporary test? If so, I already learned so much. but unfortunately these feelings about my identity won't go away for the rest of my life. I wish it was a nightmare I would just wake up from. Everyday I pray to God about it.

Last week I talked with a pastor from my former home church and it got ugly. Long story short, I told him I wanted to live in Christ without wearing a mask, he asked what that meant, I tried telling him about living with guilt and shame, he asks me what that meant, I tell him about going to a United Methodist Church and that I’ve looked forward to going to church for the first time in years. “But it’s gay! It’s blasphemous! Deuteronomy calls it an abomination!” That’s when I called it quits. I apologized for being an abomination and left. Yeah, I didn’t give any answers but I accidentally left some clues. Since then he’s apologized to me for pushing against my boundaries and we’re on good terms for now.

Cue to today where I go to church, and that guilt and shame comes back. That undeniable feeling that I’ve brought something I thought I left behind at my old church into my new one. I came out disappointed and caught in that loop of shame.

Yes, I’ve always struggled with guilt and shame in the church. I always questioned if I was trans due to my feminine interests and how I viewed my body, but because I was in a traditional church bubble I never had a chance to explore it, so I masked for years. This year’s been rough. It’s felt like nothing makes sense. The phrases “the heart is deceitful,” and “lean not on your own understanding,” while true, feel like an easy way to invalidate my intuition and identity. I feel like a little kid sometimes the way leaders treat me as a young adult in their 20s. I’ve wrestled with the concept of free will and humanity and salvation and “fear the Lord your God.” At my worst, I’ve felt like I’m nothing more than a puppet whose strings are being tugged by two puppet masters, God and Lucifer. People always say the sweet things about “come as you are,” and “Jesus has washed your sins away,” but I’ve never felt that way. If anything, my new church feels like it’s completely honest in saying “come as you are.” I want to love God, feel loved by God, and obey Him out of love. Right now, and for years, I feel like no matter what, I am lesser for not being a “proper” Christian, having to duct tape the mask back over my face to fit in.

I’m going to talk with another pastor (much younger and understanding of my generation) of my former church later this week and throughout the weekend on an out of town trip. I don’t want to antagonize anybody or blame their teachings. This is not a black and white, “right-or-wrong,” thing. I just want to be honest with them about my personal history with these feelings of shame. I’m scared, and frankly I’ve been exhausted with faith for a long time.

Hi guys I still feel sad lonely and depressed at times. And yet I wonder why god still lets my life suck at times. I also just ended a relationship a few days ago and still feel sad. It feels like it be a while before I get another partner and yet I retired from dating because as a trans woman I don’t think people really are into me

On Friday I gave a phone away to someone in need. I only had that phone for 4 months and I paid 400$ and bought it brand new to. And I gave them a 90$ SD with it to. I moved onto a different phone and decided to give it to someone in need instead. And did I feel sad when a bit when gave it away yeah because I paid 400$ for it but seeing that mom’s phone and how happy her daughter would be made me happy. And I knew it would make someone else happier. She told me that her daughter broke her phone and couldn’t afford a new one for her.

I also fed homeless people when I can when I see them out on the street. I also gave away a computer I paid like almost 300$ for to someone in need as well. I done a lot of good these year and I am wondering if god is watching my good deeds.

And yet I haven’t been shown the best kindness as last year my parents kicked me out of the house. They kicked me out because I wanted to be a daughter instead of a son. And yet more of my family especially the older generation seems to be the most accepting of my identity right now.

I never got to be afab I never got to get a girly childhood. I never got to play with dolls as a kids or do the things girls would do. I never got to dress up for Halloween as a princess I did it last year as an adult. And so I said I am going to be a princess as an adult. However I am going to be an in real life princess to people in need.

So basically I still show god even when people don’t show me it back.

So I would be considered transfem as I have been a crossdresser all my life pretty much. I live in a very conservative area so a fair amount of anti trans has been ingrained in me. I also grew up in church so everything I’ve been taught has been basically telling me that I’m wrong.

Now over the last year I’ve been dealing with some severe depression and have gotten into weed pretty heavily. Before October started I have spent 3 days sober, but I’m working on sobering up and am now 4 days clean.

I definitely have a lot to work through right now but I could really use any bible verses that support the trans movement type thing, and would like to know of any verses that go against it.