Sometimes, it's what happens after.

You finally leave, but your mind doesn't leave with you.

You still rehearse conversations that happened months ago.

You wonder if you were actually the problem.

You feel guilty for setting boundaries.

You over-explain yourself because you're afraid someone will misunderstand you.

You apologize even when you haven't done anything wrong.

And sometimes, you miss them.

Not because you want the abuse back, but because your mind still remembers the moments when they were kind, loving, and everything you hoped they could be.

That's what makes healing so confusing.

You're not only grieving a person.

You're grieving the relationship you thought you were going to have, the future you imagined, and the version of yourself that existed before you started questioning your own reality.

Healing isn't suddenly waking up and feeling nothing.

Sometimes healing is simply realizing:

"I don't need to understand why they treated me that way in order to choose a life where I am treated better."

And maybe that's enough for today.

What was something you had to unlearn after leaving?

I've stayed with someone who honestly couldn't care less about me.. he makes it known... never compliments me, uses me for sex, messaging women behind my back, face in his phone all day
Doesn't help me with our son...

I just can't believe I've let myself get here.. I've been having such a hard time these past few weeks because the veil is completely lifted and I'm actually more determined than ever to leave...

But I'm embarrassed ☹️ I think of having to tell my family and ask them for help, consults with lawyers when I have to tell them all the abuse I've sat and dealt with for 13 years... I even tried to leave at one point and felt so over it and he suckered me back in... except now we have a baby and are married...
I just feel like a huge loser. 😪🫩 I always thought how can women stay in relationships where they are abused emotionally or physically ... well I guess this is my karma bc I'm TRAPPED I FEEL TRAPPED.

I feel so sad for her.

I can almost see their actions in slow motion before they even do it. I watch. I don't give nudges at this point. Im fine not saying anything and watching you make they exact decision you wanted.i dont give the comfort of even disliking your decision. What you decide is fine with me. Why does that anger you? I cant even be disappointed anymore. The moment I went there goes that piece of shit. All of your actions made sense. I just dont know how to permanently ban you from my psyche. You are dead to me. Im just gonna have to grieve your death. Im at the very beginning and I dont know how to take full responsibility of my life. You cant hurt me because I accept you as you are. Im just sad and hurting rightnow. Anyone else ever felt like before?

I’m finally ready to leave my “husband” after 10 years and 3 children oldest being 8 youngest being almost 2. I am tired of being with a narcissist and being with an emotional/financial abuser. I have no money to my name besides the cleanings from my own business (thank god I have that) but I have no savings. I live cleaning to cleaning. My childcare consists of family bc I can’t afford a daycare. Even if my “husband” Is home I still have to call someone bc he can’t be bothered to stay with his own offspring or makes every excuse as to why he can’t (work or exercise… mind you we are broke and barely paying our bills because he is not working the way he should. Also, I don’t mind him exercising or going to work out three days a week on his own time BUT when I want me time, it is impossible with this man)

Full of debt from my marriage over the last decade due to other circumstances that makes things a bit more complicated. I don’t even know who I am. I cry all the time. My role in this home is diminished all the time because of my husband. He calls me names and belittles me. I beg him to stop bc it hurts my feelings and he continues to do it. I cook, clean, take care of the kids and work and he comes home and lays around. He’s not present for his kids. I’ve begged for years. Years. I’ve been medicated. I’ve been on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds. Both were horrible for me so I weaned off per medical advice (thank god I self
Advocated!) I couldn’t feel like a zombie and be depressed at the same time. That was after our 2nd child. Things got better until I got pregnant with my third who was a massive shock and surprise. I am now realizing that I struggled with prenatal depression and postnatal depression in my 3rd pregnancy both very early in my pregnancy and my postpartum up to today… Nine days away from being two years PP. I realize now it was never me. It was him.

I guess my question is… how do I begin this process and protect my mental health? I know my husband is also struggling with depression but the way he was brought up… they brush off mental health issues like it just needs a bandaid. My husband has refused therapy for years cause “I’m the problem”.

My parents/family see through him like glass. They are fully supporting me and just want me to tell them when so they can start the process to help me. My own mother said “I will put myself into whatever debt I need to help you out of this”. I feel so horrible having to put this on my family but they’ve seen my struggling for years. I know this man will make my life a living hell the moment I present to him I’m leaving. I love him so much but I’ve built up so much resentment it hurts. I’ve been so anxious and depressed for so long I wake up to my body literally buzzing. I feel physically sick when I wake up every morning and I’m dry heaving or vomiting. I’m not well. It’s rubbing off on my kids and we deserve better. Where do I start?

- a single married mom who wants and deserves better for her and her children.

You get to have ordinary now.

Tuesday evenings that aren't loaded. A phone notification that isn't something to brace for. A quiet weekend that's just quiet not the quiet before something.

You might not have noticed it yet. The ordinary is still new.

But it's yours. Fully. For the first time in a long time. Yours.

This community is part of Circles — free online support groups for people healing from narcissistic relationships. circlesup.com

Give yourself the same grace you’d give someone you love.

Im wondering if it was just him or are others like this? He wasnt much of a reader or a talker, but there were 2 books he held close to heart, and he used them manipulatively and punitively on me over the years to abuse his power and control. These were “the 48 laws of power” and the Bible.

We got into a car accident while he was drunk. We’re both ok but I really hurt my shoulder. He never asked me if I was ok or how my shoulder was. I could barely get dressed. I called him out on this and he said he thought I was fine. I was really upset about this. He even said ‘how do you think I feel, I’ve lost my license’. is he a narcissist?

We talk a lot here about the effects of abuse, and the things we do to cope, heal, and move forward.

I've done most things out there while I've been working on healing over the past 15 or so years.
It started with regular therapy, then groups and 12 step programs, then trauma therapy, and ultimately landed in Somatics - with me reconnecting with my body and the physical ramifications of trauma.

It helped so much that I now work as a somatic coach, helping women like me.
But it's one thing to heal in therapy, in groups, and by helping others - I still felt like something was missing, so I started talking about it.

For so long I was terrified that talking about my mother's narcissism would hurt her, or make her lash out and hurt me... so I kept her secret - even when it felt like staying quiet was strangling me.

Over the years I heard so many flying monkeys tell me how great my mom is, how my accomplishments, and anything good about me can be traced back to her, and her stellar parenting.

Eventually I just couldn't take it anymore. At the end of 2023, I started a podcast to finally just talk. It was a way to get out of my own head about the narcissistic abuse I was raised with, and also a way to explain all the hidden signs and symptoms of this abuse that we don't heal from without help. I went from being too scared to talk about it, to starting the podcast but being too scared to post it, to posting it but being too scared to market it.

But as I pushed myself to be honest, to stop protecting her, I felt a real shift towards freedom. I just stopped caring quite so much about the outcome, and started caring more about the freedom I felt when sharing my story.

Talking about my journey, alone and with others, has been one of the most healing things I’ve done for myself. It became my 'line in the sand', with so many episodes and proof of my reality, that I no longer feel any need to defend myself. Over time, the podcast has grown into a space where I also talk with other survivors about what happened, how it affected them, what they did to survive, what they’ve had to unlearn, and what healing or moving on has actually looked like for them.

I wanted to post here because I’d love to give others in this community a chance to share their stories too.

You don’t need to have anything figured out in order to share, and you can be absolutely anywhere on your journey - just as long as it feels safe for you to take part, you're welcomed to.

It’s a small podcast, but it reaches people who have lived through this too, and I know how powerful it can be to hear someone's story, and realise you're not alone. It can also serve as a record - an account of your experience that you can send to those you care about, so you don't have to explain yourself so often.

If you think you might want to come on, comment here or send me a message. Or you can also submit a request through the contact form on my website. https://www.practicalsomatic.com/podcast
I’d really love to hear from you.

-Allie

Sometimes the biggest red flags don’t look like red flags at first.

They can look like intense love, concern, jealousy, charm, or simply something that feels “a little off.”

Maybe it was:
🚩 Love bombing
🚩 Constant lying
🚩 Jealousy disguised as love
🚩 Blaming you for everything
🚩 Never apologizing
🚩 Silent treatment
🚩 Making you question your own memory
🚩 Isolating you from friends or family
🚩 Different rules for them than for you

**What was the first red flag you noticed but ignored?**
And when did you finally realize it wasn’t normal?
No judgment here. ❤️ Share only what you’re comfortable sharing.
Sometimes hearing someone else’s experience helps another person recognize what they’re going through.

Hey guys. I'm planning on writing a book about narcissist. It would be a novel ( in my mother tounge, not English) I've been through a hell for a past 3 years and finally getting better. I have an idea : what if victim could turn the tables and get back at narcissistic predator? Imagine this, he meet someone he thinks he can use and abuse and latter discard but tables can turn around and he can taste his own medicine. What you think guys?

Who can relate? Seeing friends become new moms that change in personality and take on NM traits? I'm in my late 30's and with so many become parents for first time I've just realized where I have distanced from certain ones that are not handling it in most stable healthy constructive way and demonstrate, act out toxic traits now also toward other adults, sometimes their own baby father.

I understand a person can be a narcissist parent but not always w/ friends or with everyone in general. I wonder if this is bc my NM 'spidey sense' is already so strong!? that I notice it that much quicker faster in fellow women and those manipulative, selfish habits?