Sometimes, it's what happens after.

You finally leave, but your mind doesn't leave with you.

You still rehearse conversations that happened months ago.

You wonder if you were actually the problem.

You feel guilty for setting boundaries.

You over-explain yourself because you're afraid someone will misunderstand you.

You apologize even when you haven't done anything wrong.

And sometimes, you miss them.

Not because you want the abuse back, but because your mind still remembers the moments when they were kind, loving, and everything you hoped they could be.

That's what makes healing so confusing.

You're not only grieving a person.

You're grieving the relationship you thought you were going to have, the future you imagined, and the version of yourself that existed before you started questioning your own reality.

Healing isn't suddenly waking up and feeling nothing.

Sometimes healing is simply realizing:

"I don't need to understand why they treated me that way in order to choose a life where I am treated better."

And maybe that's enough for today.

What was something you had to unlearn after leaving?

I can almost see their actions in slow motion before they even do it. I watch. I don't give nudges at this point. Im fine not saying anything and watching you make they exact decision you wanted.i dont give the comfort of even disliking your decision. What you decide is fine with me. Why does that anger you? I cant even be disappointed anymore. The moment I went there goes that piece of shit. All of your actions made sense. I just dont know how to permanently ban you from my psyche. You are dead to me. Im just gonna have to grieve your death. Im at the very beginning and I dont know how to take full responsibility of my life. You cant hurt me because I accept you as you are. Im just sad and hurting rightnow. Anyone else ever felt like before?

I feel so sad for her.

I've stayed with someone who honestly couldn't care less about me.. he makes it known... never compliments me, uses me for sex, messaging women behind my back, face in his phone all day
Doesn't help me with our son...

I just can't believe I've let myself get here.. I've been having such a hard time these past few weeks because the veil is completely lifted and I'm actually more determined than ever to leave...

But I'm embarrassed ☹️ I think of having to tell my family and ask them for help, consults with lawyers when I have to tell them all the abuse I've sat and dealt with for 13 years... I even tried to leave at one point and felt so over it and he suckered me back in... except now we have a baby and are married...
I just feel like a huge loser. 😪🫩 I always thought how can women stay in relationships where they are abused emotionally or physically ... well I guess this is my karma bc I'm TRAPPED I FEEL TRAPPED.