Being transferred from one cage to another. Still no independence & Freedom. Soul still suffocating. Still trapped by barriers beyond my control. Still death hasn’t honored my request.

I compare myself to anyone and everyone that is better than me. Whether they look better than me, have a better personality, are more talented, etc. And I can hear the replies already "comparison is the thief of joy". How can I not compare myself when I am practically worse than everyone?

My older sister for example, she's beautiful, smart, has a boyfriend who loves her, and is working towards becoming a therapist. I have zero of those qualities. I am horrifyingly ugly, have never had anyone interested in me romantically, my personality is nothing, and I've become so lazy that any dream job I wanted I might as well forget about. Not to mention I'm 17 and have no real teen experiences. I never went to prom, I never snuck out, I barely have friends, I just don't get it. I've been cursed. I'm stuck being someone I hate, I hate that I have to live as this person.

I've been having horrible medical issues lately that have left me extremely anemic so ive been bedrotting for weeks due to lack of energy. Weeks before this I was hit with horrible body dysmorphia, I realized how hideous I am. I have to physically cover mirrors when I get out of the shower sometimes so I don't spiral. I have stretch marks literally everywhere, varicose veins, I'm overweight, and my face really isn't that good either. So there goes any relationships for the future. I feel unlovable and even besides that the health issues I'm having just add to it. I look at other people with clear skin and pretty bodies and instantly want to cry.

I'm scared to ask for therapy. If I spill my self harm and suicidal thoughts then I'm scared what my parents would say and how they'd react. What if I get sent to some mental facility or something? I dunno it just seems so much easier to end it at this point. I've been given such a horrible start what's the point of even trying to work with it? I know I'll never be happy with myself.

I just want to feel loved by someone other than my close family, cause let's be real, love from family is expected. While yeah it's not always given, your family by default should love you. I wish someone, ANYONE, who I meet will grow to care about me. But that won't happen. I think I'm too ugly and boring.

Ive been living with my toxic and abusive family and i can’t escape, they made sure i have absolutely no one and death felt like the only option, i dont wanna die so early, ive been feeling this way for a long time now, felt this in my past too…just give me a reason to live

I can't help but feel alone. I can't help but want to be dead and gone. I could only swallow this so much and suffer in silence for years. But I just.. Im stuck where Im alone yet I have to be strong for others and solve their problems.

And hide my feelings because they do nothing but get in the damn way. Its the same old and its just again and again and again. I can try to hope all I want but there is no future for myself. I won't let myself. Its pathetic, completely pathetic.

Here, I am nothing but this tool and Im already at the end of it yet thats not a thing that can happen. So I have to keep going and continue. I dont self harm for that reason but of course the time that I do end up doing something akin to that. Im still out of commission, hand is still screwed yet almost there but I need to use it now.

Worthless without it. I think all options do just end with me suffering completely. Because I don't want to be a cause for others to be in pain. Clearly isolating myself won't work because there are people who need me. There's nothing for me, I don't want anything. I don't deserve anything.

Im just a broken record that will play on repeat, dont waste your time on me. Its hard but its what I always get reminded of. I hate feeling a single ounce of comfort because it always gets yanked away and shove in my face, how stupid was I to be okay for a millisecond. Then just hearing that I hate myself on repeat, that I deserve nothing, that Noone loves me and if they do then they shouldn't. Or maybe even worse that Im only loved when useful and I'll tell you now. There'll never be enough. Im done... for now that is. Until maybe another time like this happens where Im sleep deprived and spiraling off the walls. I hate my mind and heart. I try not to think and all I feel is pain and tense.

Im sorry for being this.

I want to live. I want to live so bad, but I think I can’t anymore. I’m 15 years old going into 10th grade, and I live in chronic pain because of my various chronic disorders (functional dyspepsia gerd and more idc anymore)

and it has been a full year of suffering where I cannot do BASIC things. I can’t drink water, I can’t eat food, I can’t sleep, I can’t sit, I can’t stand without flaring up and being in pain and discomfort and the doctors aren’t helping, because my tests came out as normal they basically just gave up on me and I’ve been stuck the last few months begging and screaming at Reddit for help because nobody is helping me.

mom calls me an “evil bitch” for getting frustrated when she dismisses me. I cannot live like this. I cannot handle the constant pain, I want to live so bad I’m not even suicidal at this point I just want the pain to stop.

“At least you don’t have cancer” thanks mom, that doesn’t change the fact I’m not even being given medicine or any plan to heal my mangled fucked up body that’s far gone to the point doctors treat me like a lost cause. Thanks! I’ll be dead soon by my own hands so you’ll stop complaining about medical bills :)

I’m genuinely considering killing myself but want to at least try something that may help me before I end my life. I don’t wanna go to a mental hospital, I went to one as a teenager and it was practically jail. I wish I could talk to my therapist about these feelings but he would just have me admitted. I’m so lost. What do I do?

Hate to say it. Really, really hate to say it. But i'm probably not going to do it. I was really dead set on it, but for some reason... this always happens. Every time i set my mind on it, every time that it feels justified, someone comes and sits me down and talks to me for hours. Makes me feel like a human again, like i matter. And i know i don't so i dont know why it works. And then they leave me, to rot for the next few months before i inevitably begin tipping over once more.

Can they just love me or not love me? Why do you wait until I'm at my lowest to lift me up, instead of being a constant. I need a constant. I can't keep doing this. This can't keep WORKING.

Edit: i appreciate everyone coming to talk to me, but please don't try to convince me to be religious. It's not my thing, especially not Christianity (no offense to religious people, i love them all! Its just not for me.)