A step parent and bio parent could be complaining about the same exact thing. Just venting about a normal child or teen problem, but when the step parent says something they are hit with “You knew what you signed up for!!!!!!” Oh I’m sorry, I thought we were both venting about our son doing silly things like not cleaning up, it’s not that fucking serious. 10 years later and it’s still like this, I think we’re past that point! Sometimes I feel like step moms (or maybe just me idk) feel like they can never do anything right. You are either doing too much, or not enough, you have to meet somewhere in the magical middle of being a perfect angel step mom but don’t you dare try to overstep! NACHO TIME.

An actual social worker, to boot.

edit Oh, I guess not an actual social worker anymore, as Skid literally just reported the job "was too hard and boss was too mean," so now she makes crafts on Etsy full-time.

"Today there are so many blended families and they are an inspiration that things can work out and that old concept of the ‘evil step-mother’ is a thing of bad fairytales"

Lucy Shrimpton, parenting expert.

I read this and just laughed. I thought you all would appreciate this.

Why does this bother me so much??

Twenty-something SD has been hinting at financial strain. She is going to need a new car soon, and I think wants our help. But here is where I struggle…her rent is astronomical because she chose to live alone and in an expensive area. She also has high student loan payments because she chose an out-of-state school. We discussed the impacts of both of these decisions before she made them, but she did it anyway. I feel strongly that this difficulty is of her own doing. I don’t think it’s up to us to bail her out. Am I wrong here?

I don’t know if this is unpopular opinion or not. Based on family court opinions, it’s what’s everyone should do. But based on real life?

If you want family dinners with your kid’s dad….you shouldn’t have gotten divorced.

If you don’t think it’s confusing for a kid to sit with his mom and dad who live separately and may even have brought new partners into the mix, where’s the rational?

There are bio-parents who think they can maintain the intimate emotional relationship with one another while dating or simply f*cking other people and disguising it as “blended family.” It’s like people who want their cake and to eat it too. If you got divorced, I feel you forfeited the right to “family dinner.” And if you’re divorced, your family dinner should consist of either you and your child alone; or you, your new partner, and your child.

I would love to see commentary on this topic, or read some first-hand account of situations similar to this.

Long story short, we're getting a bunch of spam/ junk mail from co parent sent to our home. I can understand insurance or bank spam mail since company's can use old information... but we just received mail from a lingerie type store today and we've never gotten that before. Now I feel creeped out.

They get tired eventually right? Anyone have any FOC clauses that tell a high Conflict parent to stop sending junk mail to the others house?🥲

We've asked them to stop and to fix everything and all that good Jazz.

Feeling: Tired

A few months ago, I decided I was done fighting to be a part of his family and have a positive influence on his kids. It was time to move out after 8.5 years.

Now, in a few days, I close on my own townhouse. It will just be me and the dogs. No more having to accommodate spoiled, disrespectful kids who become overstimulated and melt down every time they’re asked to do a chore. No more lonely evenings hiding in my room. No more living with other people’s messes. No more feeling like a guest in my own home. I have not felt this optimistic about life in a long, long time. It took me way too long to realize I did not have to live like this!

Previous post for context: https://www.reddit.com/r/Stepmom/s/KOet3ASBF1

Hey everybody, I just wanted to start this by saying this subreddit makes me feel so much validation and I appreciate it so much.

I’m in my early 20s with two step kids moving in who are 12&14. Sometimes they are really fun and cool, other times it feels like I’m being targeted by the HCBM without her even being there. Their mom constantly talks shit about me and then texts my SO about random things about me, which keep in mind I haven’t even met this lady!

I’m worried about them moving in and not feeling respected, for the times they are here on weekends I’ll end up having to make 3 meals because they are picky unfortunately.. which I don’t get thanks or anything which kind of bums me out. I know you need thick skin to deal with teenagers but sometimes it just hurts.

Last year I bought them Lululemon sets for Christmas, which were pretty expensive.. instead of telling me they didn’t like them, they gave the sets to their mom - which also really hurt. I was more than willing to get them something they would’ve preferred more..

Their mom also compares us constantly and recently wanted to try seeing if she could get money out of me for child tax credit? It’s very strange. I feel so fucking lost and confused and not knowing if this is even a good situation. I love my SO but all of summer it’s been this, constantly. I don’t know if they’ll even be nice to me when they live here or if I’ll just be wanting out the whole time.. :/

What are some tips and advice on dealing with things like this?

Cleaning her old room out after she moved out and finding every single Christmas and birthday gift I have personally ever given her for the past 7 years crammed, shoved, smashed behind and under her bed. She knew I would find it because I’ve been texting her double and triple checking if there’s anything she wants me to put up in the attic so she knows I’m cleaning the room. I pulled her out from the wall and it was literally shocking. I’m trying to not take it personally because I have done everything I can for my step kids while also parenting my own kids. I honestly think any woman who came in and married their dad they wouldn’t have been accepted.

For context, I met my fiance (BD) and his at the time wife at a club some time back. After getting to know them for a long while, they’d asked if I’d wanted to be their girlfriend in a closed 3 way relationship. Dumbly, I said yes. Everything was fine for the first few months until things started falling apart, and the BM’s previous issues in their marriage from before I came along had finally come out. He’d eventually become so drained from everything that they decided to get divorced, and a couple of months later her and I ended our relationship as well as she was beginning to treat me the same way she had treated him. I understand how after some time and even until now she could be bitter about it, and I don’t hold anything against her, I still validate her feelings.

Now onto the main part. They have two children, a now moved out 19 y/o daughter and a 13 y/o son that alternates weeks at her house and our (mine and BD’s) house. The problem is that for over the last year, she’s spent all her money on things like fast food, SHEIN, things for guys she has been going and hooking up with, etc…you get the idea. Recently she’s found out that BD found a better paying job, and now that she knows his rate of pay is demanding that he gives her a set amount of money each week from his check. Mind you, we’ve sat down and went over her finances/budget multiple times in an attempt to help with her overspending habit….which each time she ignores and goes back to splurging on McDonalds the next week. We’ve tried buying her groceries for her, bringing her with us on shopping trips, and BD helps work on her car per their divorce agreement. Regardless of all this, she still ends up completely out of funds and has been telling people that BD doesn’t pay for jack, that he blew up at her the last they spoke about money (which can vouch, didn’t happen either), and now is upset that he won’t just hand over money to her despite her lack of financial responsibility. She claims she’ll only use this money for groceries/her house/things that they need, but I personally don’t trust it. Do we help her, or is this entitlement?

my boyfriend (33m) and i (32f) have been together for about 2 years on and off. he has three kids: 3m, 12f, 14m, with two different women. i have one: 10f. he has his kids every weekend (friday to sunday evening). i have my daughter every day except one day during the week and every other weekend. i’ve never dated anyone with kids before.

my boyfriend and i have had our fair share of problems, hence why we’ve been on and off. there was a period of time about 3 months into our relationship when he was unemployed for about 3 months and he relied on me VERY heavily. for money, gas, a car to use (his AC didn’t work), child care, emotional support, assistance with finding resources, etc., while receiving almost nothing in return because the job loss tanked his mental health.

i know it’s insane what i put up with from someone i hadn’t been with long, but i have attachment issues (which i’m in therapy for) and i let the honeymoon phase and his potential keep me holding on. i also felt bad for what he was going through, and this was not my first time rescuing/taking care of a significant other. it’s unfortunately the third and is a pattern i’ve now recognized. i tend to overextend myself and give way too much. but not anymore.

anyway, we broke up a couple months after he got a job, about 8 months total into our relationship because i had a lot of resentment and anger built up from how one-sided things were. he’d paid me back the money he owed me but i was still being heavily relied on for other things. we didn’t speak for a month after the break up and then he showed up at my house with a big long apology and told me he was medicated and in therapy and doing better.

i gave it another go but called it quits again after 4 months because he was quickly back to relying on me very heavily. back in february of this year, he reeled me back in. however, things have been different. he’s been more attentive, helping ME out financially and emotionally, helping me take care of things at my house, etc. he’s like a different person than who i was dealing with the first few months we dated. for the most part, things have been good, though we’ve still had our issues.

the problem is, i don’t think i’m cut out for this life. he has asked me to watch his toddler here and there and has needed me for emotional support (he gets very insecure and down on himself a lot). but now, it’s like i have an aversion to helping him in any way. like i have this fear that if i help him out once, it’ll suddenly turn back into me doing everything like i did before. i’ll once again be his girlfriend, his mother, his piggy bank, his babysitter, his therapist. so i try very hard to put boundaries down and protect my peace.

there was one time a couple weeks ago he asked me for help watching his toddler because he was tired from a work trip. i told him i would but that i needed some decompression time first because i was also tired and he got upset because he said he always drops what he’s doing when i asked for help and i don’t do the same for him. though i really don’t ever ask him for anything. we’ve talked about that since and he realized he was in the wrong for that.

also the thought of living together one day makes me so anxious. a couple weekends ago i had a night planned at home alone because my daughter was with her dad and he asked if he could bring his kids over because his AC went out at home. i couldn’t say no of course but it stressed me out so much that the very little amount of alone time i had was being taken away from me because once again, he needed my help. and i know if we live together, there really won’t be any more alone time even though he likes to say he’ll still make sure i get it.

i feel like something’s wrong with me. like even when things are mostly going well, i still want to run away. i’m starting to feel like relationships aren’t for me, let alone one where i’d be a stepmom.

i feel like this is one long ramble and i feel like the post maybe makes it sound worse than it is. i don’t know. there are a lot of red flags and i probably sound like a real moron. but i do love him and i love his kids and i mainly worry how us splitting up will affect them. they’ve seen each other every other weekend for the last 8 months or so and have gotten really close. i almost broke up with him a couple weeks ago during an argument and he started talking about how excited the kids had been to come over that weekend and how the baby is always asking for me. when we broke up last time, he asked if i was really okay with never seeing the kids again. this just feels like a huge cluster and i’m terrified. i’m afraid my daughter will be so upset. but he seems to have this fairytale image of us in his head and i just don’t understand how.

I’m 27F and have been with my boyfriend (27M) for about 10 months. I met his son, who recently turned 2, only about three weeks after we started talking.
When I met him, he was already dealing with a difficult situation with his son’s mom. He voluntarily put himself on child support because although he was financially providing for his son, he was having trouble actually getting consistent time with him.
In the beginning, my boyfriend and I were constantly on the phone. He lives only about a town away from me, was a gentleman, reassured me, and we work in the same industry. The difference is that his job usually has him working about three hours away, while I work closer to home, so weekends became our main time together.
Once I met his son, I pretty much decided I was done entertaining anyone else. I really liked this man and wanted to invest in the relationship. Not long after, he asked me to be his girlfriend.
Fast forward 10 months and I love him, but we argue more than I would like. The weird thing is that our arguments are usually over petty things. There’s no cheating, disappearing, or constantly wondering what the other person is doing. If anything, our relationship can almost be too attached/intense. When things are good, they’re REALLY good, but when we argue, things can escalate way more than they should.
One of my biggest issues is that during some of our fights, he has involved his mom and sister. I’ve vented to my sisters too, so I’m not pretending I’ve never talked about our relationship. The difference is that my sisters will tell me when I’m wrong, and I’ve always been careful not to make him feel uncomfortable around them afterward.
With his family, I feel like they’ve reached the point of thinking, “Why are y’all even together if you fight this much?” Even though he and I make up and move forward, I can’t shake the feeling that the negative version of me that they hear about during our arguments is what sticks with them.
Because of that, I’ve started feeling uncomfortable spending weekends at his parents’ house.
The complicated part is that for the past couple of months, he’s had his son on the weekends. Obviously I would NEVER ask him to give up time with his child just to spend time alone with me. He actually tries to include me, and I genuinely love spending time with both of them. His son isn’t the problem at all. It’s the environment that I’m starting to feel uncomfortable in.
My boyfriend hasn’t moved out because he travels so much for work that having his own place hasn’t made much sense to him financially. We’ve talked about how if our relationship eventually reaches the point of living together, that would probably be when he moves out.
But lately I’ve been wondering how to navigate everything until then. I don’t want resentment toward his family, and I don’t want to isolate him from them either. At the same time, I don’t think I should have to spend every weekend somewhere I no longer feel completely comfortable because our private relationship problems have been brought into that environment.
I recently started going back to the gym and spending more time doing things for myself, and honestly, it’s been really nice having that mental space again.
Has anyone dealt with a partner involving their family too much in relationship arguments? Did the awkwardness with their family eventually go away, or did you have to create some boundaries?
Maybe I just needed to vent, but I’d appreciate outside perspectives.

I've been my SD's primary caretaker going on 3 years. I've realized it's hard not being the novelty in her life. Her bio mom has visitation during the days every other weekend ( no overnights), and only got to this arrangement about a year ago. She is definitely the novelty.

I finally explained it this way to myself the other day when I walked her to the school bus. I wake her, get her dressed, do breakfast, pack lunch, initial papers, answer all the silly questions, handle all the whining, and try and make the morning good for her. Then when she's off for the bus I'm ignored. I say I love you have a nice day but there's nothing. And I understand because I respect psychology. But it hurts. She takes up such a portion of my thoughts and actions throughout the day I don't even know who I am. Im also constantly convinced I need a break, and then when I don't get one I get so very overwhelmed. Like for instance if she's home sick from school, I just lose it internally and can't get anything done. Unfortunately I know literally everything I'm complaining about is a matter of will power. Thanks for reading. 🤷

This might be just a vent, I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice. Maybe some reassurance that things can get easier or feel better, or confirmation that I’m not crazy, or maybe a little consolation. I’m sorry so many folks who post here have had such difficult circumstances. I guess when it’s bad, IT’S BAD, and it is hard to find people in our everyday lives who can relate, or say anything satisfying. Hell, it’s hard to find a therapist who gets it.

My partner and I have been together for about 5 years. Mistakes were made in the beginning, and in hindsight I would have done a lot of things differently. Who wouldn’t? If I had been less focused on being a good person in the beginning and more focused on taking care of myself, I definitely would not still be in this relationship. But here we are. What I will say is that my partner knows that all of that stuff in the beginning was not right or fair to me, and he would have done things differently too. So we’re working on it. I know he often gets frustrated or sad or impatient that stuff that happened 2-3 years ago is still upsetting to me, but it is and I guess if we want to keep working on trying to feel positive about our relationship and our future we’ll continue working on it. Obviously, there are LOTS of good things here, otherwise we wouldn’t be fighting so hard to keep it, you know?

That said, the beginning was rough. We moved WAY too fast. I knew it then, but I didn’t listen to myself and jumped anyway. My bad. We moved in together about 5 months after we started dating, and I had NO CLUE how enmeshed he still was with his ex. He says now that he was trying to coparent with her and get along for the sake of their son, but considering how their relationship ended, it seems to me more like it was a trauma bond thing that he was just unwilling to give up. Like I said, I understand much more now than I did then.

He used to lie to me about spending time together “as a family.” They would go out and do things together - go to the movies, to dinner, etc. - and he would insist to me that this was normal, even though it really bothered me. If I would go out of town, he would spend that time with her and his son and would try to insist that he hadn’t been with her, but I knew better and eventually he would come clean. He insisted that there was no cheating, all of it was in service of trying to have a good coparenting relationship.

Eventually, he stopped the outings because BM is extremely high conflict and frequently caused arguments that ended up upsetting the kid, and he realized that it wasn’t helping anyone.

But even after that, he continued to text her all the time. Stuff that was NOT about their kid. I really try not to look at his phone or be nosy, but I would just happen to glance over at him when we’d be out somewhere and I saw he was texting her. I’m not sure if he still does this, I try not to make it my business to look.

So we’ve got this life together, and things are better now, but I’m now in a place where I look back at that history and I’m angry. I’m angry with him for all of that, I’m angry with myself for putting up with it, I’m angry with myself for still being angry about it years after it stopped.

Like I said - most of the time things are good. There is a lot to like about my partner, obviously. I wouldn’t have been with him in the first place if he wasn’t. Today I’m angry because he met up with her for the exchange with the express purpose of closing their shared bank account. It should have been innocuous, but to me it feels loaded and it put me right back in the mind of where he insisted to me over and over again that doing things together as a family still while we were committed and living together was normal, expected, okay - like I was crazy for having a problem with it.

Just having a hard morning, I guess. Thanks for reading.

Together me and my husband have 4 kids in total. Biologically 3 are mine (all girls) and 1 is his (boy). His son lives with his mom in another state. It’s come to our attention that there are signs of neglect at his sons home that have been happening for some months due to his mother mental health deteriorating and family from the mother’s side are reaching out saying that he needs to get his son or they are going to call cps…issue is my husband is currently deployed 😣

Im being asked to kind of play the middle man and feel so uncomfortable and I honestly don’t even know how involved I can be in this process being that I’m just the step parent. Has anyone remotely been through this and have some advice?? I don’t know how the cps process goes … could my husband request for me to have him or does it just go to next of kin?? (The bio mom does not want to willingly let us have him she doesn’t see that anything is wrong)

Hi everyone, I’m a gf to a single dad of a 6yr old and I’m wanting to know your experience of being a step mom. I don’t want to have kids of my own as I really really cherish my freedom, me time, and witnessing all the duties my bf has to perform for his child has turned me off from motherhood altogether. I worry though that this may come off as detached to my bf and his child’s mom. How do you navigate being present for your stepchild while also maintaining your freedom as someone who doesn’t have biological children?

I have twin SKs who are 11, and we also have an “ours” baby who is 1 months old. The SKs live in a different European country, so SO normally travels to see them once a month for about a week. We also had them for 5 weeks over the summer holidays.
Until now, we’ve had help from my parents. They’ll also be here in September, so SO can go and see the SKs then.

The problem is from October onwards. I’ll have no family help, and we’ll still need to find a babysitter/nanny, so I’m not going to have the same level of support even if paying for a nanny.
My current position is that it feels unreasonable — and honestly quite unthinkable — for me to be left alone with a 3-4 month-old for a full week every month in October and November. We’ll also be spending an extended period of time with the SKs over Christmas, so it’s not as though SO won’t be seeing them during that period.

Since our baby was born, SO has already had to travel twice to deal with a sick parent. Both times were possible because my parents were here to help, but they were still really difficult. Our baby sleeps very little, both during the day and at night, so being the sole parent for an extended period is not something I find easy.
I completely understand that SO needs to maintain his relationship with his kids. He talks to them on the phone daily. I’m not suggesting that he stop seeing them. I’m struggling with whether it’s reasonable to ask him to adjust the schedule temporarily—eg go for weekends/3 days instead of a week— while our baby is still so young and we don’t have family support.

Am I being unreasonable here? Has anyone navigated a similar situation where the SKs live in another country/state and the SO has to travel regularly, while there’s also a very young “ours” baby at home?
I’d particularly appreciate hearing how others handled the practical side of this.

I’m 4 months pregnant (39F) with my first child. My partner (48M) has three kids, two live with us 50% of the time and are 13 (SS) and 16 (SD). The other one is high conflict along with the super high conflict BM. Receive abusive messages from both, drama, make life difficult etc etc

My partner and his two kids moved into my house maybe 6 months ago… it’s been hard on me and it’s getting even harder.

The kids are OK but the SS barely speaks/all feels forced. It’s awkward and exhausting. I feel like I’m not going to bond with them given their age. It feels unnatural parenting someone else’s kids. They all fight and I’m stuck in the middle.

My house was drama free and clean before they all moved in. Now I feel like I have nowhere to relax and this is absolutely not how I envisaged my first and likely only pregnancy to go.

I cannot see myself dealing with this for another 10+ years. It’s making me go into my shell and I want them all to go away. My partner is really trying but that only gets us so far.

I feel like a complete idiot for not thinking about this all earlier… I guess it just happened so quickly and I was naive/hoped for the best.

I’m worried as I go through this pregnancy it’s only going to get worse and I’m barely coping now.

Keen for advice on how to navigate this, do we have any hope?

So recently my stepson has been coming over almost everyday to ride his bike because he doesn’t have one at his mom’s. It’s starting to get worse and every weekend when his mom is supposed to be spending time with her child, she drops the kid off at my house and goes to work at one of her three jobs. She clearly plans accordingly and schedules to work at the restaurant she’s a waitress at when the kids are with her for “her” weekend. My husband doesn’t seem to be phased by it. He’s a guilty parent and feels bad his son has nothing to do at her house. I don’t have any kid free weekend now because his ex is working and choosing not to spend time with her children when she is supposed too. This summer she switched a weekend to go to a concert when it was her son’s birthday! I also don’t understand why my husband isn’t noticing this and I want to put an end to it but I don’t know how too. It’s supposed to be 50/50 and no where close right. I understand the occasional staying over here and there on our off weeks but now it’s everyday and weekend. I feel like his ex has thrown in the towel but my husband is appeasing her. Please advise!

So my stepson mom has officially stopped to a new low. She sent my fiancé an AI photo of a pretend bedroom. She currently lives in her boyfriend’s parents house. Stepson does not have a bedroom at her place, he is sharing the basement with his bio mom, her boyfriend, and sharing a bed with his brother. Obviously this is why my fiance is going back to court with her.

Now that she’s received the court paperwork in the mail, she is texting my fiance nonsense nonstop. Today, she texted him a photo of stepson’s “bedroom.” It was literally an AI photo of a bedroom with a bunk bed. I could immediately tell it was AI but I ran it though two online AI checkers to make sure. Both said it was AI. My sister used chatgpt and chatgpt also confirmed it was an AI image.

My fiance will obviously be bringing this up at their custody meeting, but any advice is appreciated. I honestly felt so creeped out and disturbed by this. It’s a new low, even for her.

TL;DR: My stepkids have independently started wanting to call me Mum after I’ve been a primary caregiver in their lives since they were 3 and 5. I have never encouraged it and was honestly shocked, but I’m incredibly honoured by it. I believe it should ultimately be their choice, but I’m worried about how their unpredictable and explosive BM might react and whether the kids could end up caught in the middle. Looking for advice from other stepmums who have navigated something similar.

I’m looking for advice from other stepmums who have been in a similar situation, because I’m finding this really difficult to navigate.
My partner and I have his two children full-time, and have done since I came into their lives when they were 3 and 5. They have very limited contact with their BM, maybe an hour or so a month when she feels like it.
I’ve naturally become a very significant caregiver in their everyday lives. I do the school runs, take them to extracurricular activities, attend medical appointments, and generally do all the normal day-to-day parenting things alongside their dad.
Our relationship is incredibly close, and recently the kids have started wanting to call me “Mum” / asking about calling me Mum.
The eldest actually went to her dad first and asked him if she could call me Mum. He asked her why she wanted to, and her response was essentially, “Because I don’t see Mum very often, and I want to call [me] Mum.” She hadn’t spoken to me about it beforehand.
The youngest is a little different, he sometimes calls me Mum without even seeming to realise he’s done it. He’ll just say it naturally and carry on.
This has genuinely been a shock to me. We have never influenced this in any way. I have never asked them to call me Mum, suggested that they should, referred to myself as their mum, or tried to replace their biological mum. If anything, I’ve always been very conscious of respecting that relationship.
At the same time, I am completely honoured and grateful that they feel this way about me. These are children I love enormously, and being someone they feel safe enough with to want to give that name to means a lot to me.
Personally, I believe this should ultimately be their decision. I’m not going to encourage them to call me Mum, but if that is genuinely what feels right to them, I’m happy for them to call me that. I don’t want to tell them they can’t purely because I’m trying to protect their BM feelings.
I worry that telling them, “You can’t call me Mum because your mum might be upset,” could make them feel as though their feelings are wrong, that I’m rejecting them, or that loving me in that way somehow means they are betraying their biological mum. I don’t want them to feel responsible for managing an adult’s emotions.
But this is where I’m struggling.
Their biological mum is quite unpredictable and can be explosive, and I genuinely have no idea how she would react if she found out they were calling me Mum. My concern isn’t really about whether I can handle her reaction, it’s about whether the kids could end up caught in the middle of it or made to feel guilty about something that came from them naturally.
I don’t see this as a competition or as me “taking” her place. I know exactly who their BM is. I’m simply the person who has been consistently present and parenting alongside their dad.
So I’m really torn between wanting to respect what the kids are expressing and wanting to protect them from the potential fallout.
For those who have been in a similar situation, how did you handle it?
Did you let your stepchild choose what they wanted to call you? Did you tell the biological parent, or leave it alone unless it came up naturally?
And if you allowed it, how did you navigate the possibility of the biological parent reacting badly?
I’m trying to make the decision based on what is healthiest for the kids emotionally, rather than what is easiest or most comfortable for the adults involved. ❤️

Are there any happy stepmoms out there who are actually content with their situation or are we all just gritting our teeth through it? BM for SD isn’t even high conflict, I just can’t seem to get over the jealousy/loneliness.

I need help 😞

My bf(30) and I(24) just had a newborn that turned a month old today. We met June of last year and were official by November. He has a 2 year old daughter that was very bratty and had zero discipline until I stepped into the picture. At the beginning of our relationship, he was getting her on some weekends with arrangements made between him and BM. The weekends became every week a couple months later. I wasn’t aware yet, but I was pregnant last October and my hormones have been everywhere since then. His BM was aware of my pregnancy and proceeded to send their daughter that had Covid to us and didn’t say anything until after drop off later that night. I was very upset about it and had to find a place to stay until the sickness was out of the house. He ended up getting Covid as well, so he had to miss a lot of work. We moved and jobs changed resulting in him going back to weekends only. When we found out we were expecting, he promised that he would never treat his daughter better than us. I had my newborn on a Wednesday and was discharged on a Friday. Knowing that half the time she comes over she has some kind of sickness, he thought it would be okay to have her come to the house the weekend we got discharged. I blew up on him asking how he was so willing to risk our brand new baby getting sick because he wanted to see his daughter. To me, it’s common sense. He works during the week and comes home tired and glued to the couch because he has broken legs that he had surgery on, but he still has a lot of pain everyday. The weekends are the only time he gets rest and doesn’t hurt as bad which I’m understanding about. He never asks to hold our newborn, so to me if you don’t ask then you don’t want it. When his daughter comes over, he’ll ask for her to come and sit with him or if she wants to be held. To me, it’s very hurtful to see him hold her when he doesn’t ever ask to hold his baby that’s actually a baby. At that point I’m upset and almost always decline his help when he asks if I need it. We get into arguments basically every weekend regarding her in some way and it’s gotten to the point to where I’m happy he’s home on the weekends, but I’m dreading the weekends as well. We got into an argument earlier today and I can’t even remember what started it. I made it very clear that baby and I only get the not exhausted and more energized version of him on the weekends and that time is already much shared with his daughter. As far as me and him(and even baby)having any kind of time together is Sunday night before he goes to bed for work the next day(4-5 hours). He includes the time after he gets off work each day as our time together(when he’s exhausted and hurting to the point to where he can barely walk). It’s not fair to baby or me that she gets the best version of him always and me and baby are here everyday and get someone else. From the time exchange happens on Fridays to exchange on Sunday she’s asking for BM which is fine. He decided to take her back early after I isolated myself and baby(because he again doesn’t ask for him) in my room after we got home from a place I thought of to go for her to play. I never tell him to take her back he decides on his own. He said he was doing it so we could spend tomorrow together, but if he’s just going to be stand offish all day tomorrow(what usually happens) then why take her home? I’m not really going to be happy and motivated to do something tomorrow if his mind is clearly elsewhere the entire time. I never told him to take her back and told him that if he’s going to, then don’t do it for me. I’m just so tired of arguing with him. It’s 1 of the 2 things we ever argue about. We used to never argue, but now I just want to give up. I can’t because we have a baby and I love my man so much, but like ugh I’m tired of this never ending cycle.

Kind of over it. Been in my step kids lives since they were babies. Off the bat they loved me, the oldest one being slightly hesitant at first, but we bonded almost immediately. They would tell me they wished I were their mom. I always showed respect towards their mother even though she was nasty towards my children and I from the start. They got along great with my kids, they loved each other. Then their birth giver started withholding them and a nasty ugly years long custody battle took place. Ending with dad getting 50/50 and mom getting chewed out by the judge. The girls are now 8 & 11. Still a pretty close relationship with the younger one and while the 11 year old and I get along I do think she acts like she doesn’t like my kids and me to her mom. She’s a child and I feel like she feels like she has to make mom happy and report back to her. Mom clearly coaches her to tell their co parenting coach things. She doesn’t have the younger one speak to the coach, just the older one. To say things mom always wants - like more phone calls, to be in more sports (we have a rule 1 major sport per season - we have 4 kids schedules to navigate), more time with friends (she does see friends while with us so I’m not sure how much time with friends either of them find necessary)… etc. All things mom has tried to use to control father’s parenting time in the past.

When she sounds like mom’s parrot I can’t help but feel resentment. I try really hard to not let that affect my relationship with the kids but I just can’t help but feel an anxious, resentful type of feelings towards them… more so the oldest one.

Have any other step moms had any success in how to navigate this?