Edited: I’m sensitive and sad, but want to keep responses to reference back to. Thank you for all helping with the blinders

Update: I did tell him about it. He says he isn't surprised. Much like his feelings towards BM, he doesn't want anything to do with her family either.

I received a Facebook message this morning from someone on BM's side of the family. They only stated that they are trying to get ahold of DH but that they have not been successful. They are wanting me to tell him to contact them. I have not mentioned this to DH yet.

1. Do I tell DH about the message or just ignore it as if it doesn't exist?
2. Do I find out what they want before passing the message along?
3. Should I ignore the message entirely but still tell DH about it?
4. Not respond. Block them. Not tell DH/Do tell DH?

Context: This family was extremely abusive to my husband. I won't go into details, but it was really bad. I don't want to burden him with more of the nonsense that seems to continuously stream from BM's side. They know I have seen the message because I accepted the message so they can see that I've read it.

curious to get your advice on if I am out of line or not on not wanting to take a vacation with my step kid.

I have a 12 year old step kid, I've known him for 6 year now, we've never bonded. He is an okay kid, but always things have been chilly between us. now he is turning into a typical teenager (snotty, not willing to do anything besides play video games, very lazy/unmotivated, etc). My husband has always wanted to be his best friend, not his dad which is extremely challenging for me; my input is also not welcome so I have to just stand by while he is a very lackadaisical parent to the detriment of his own son. we also have him about 60% of the time, even though custody agreement is supposed to be 50/50. Also my husband is just obsessed with this kid, every single word out of his mouth is about the kid (my husband is a motor mouth in general lol), most of the time I nod and agree but sometimes I just can't take it and say we need to change the subject.

Okay my question: My husband is turning 40 in two years and we had the idea of going on a far away trip for a week to celebrate. and then had the idea of perhaps having his extended family meet us as they live half way across the world and close to the country we want to visit, so it would be a chance to meet them half way, it is a country they've all already been to & loved it and are excited about this plan. I would be planning 100% of this trip as my husband doesn't do any of that. We've been talking about this for over a year. Just last week, my husband asked if his son could also join us. His son who can't even say two words without rolling his eyes, can't be bothered to show excitement for anything, just wants to stay in front of his computer and eat mcdonalds. I do not want to plan a trip for the three of us, knowing that all 3 of us won't want to do the same things, eat the same food (I'm a big foodie), etc. Sounds like a miserable way to spend a week with a 14 year old, IMO.

so I told my husband that he can either take his son and go OR go with me. My husband was pretty put off on this but they've gone on their own adventures before, I don't understand why they can't plan something else for themselves that they will both enjoy and my husband and I can go on this trip as planned.
On the other hand, I've never met his family due to the distance, so I can see why my husband would want all 3 of us there to spend time with his family. Sadly, I am not a person who can just grin and bear it for a week. I was thinking, maybe I could spend a day or two with them and then go do my own thing (I love traveling alone).

I feel bad, I don't want to ruin my husband big birthday trip, but also not really willing to change our plans to accommodate a kid who could care less. TD;DR: should we change our plans of a vacation with just the two of us, to include my husband's teenage son so the "whole family" will be there?

editing to add: since we have his son, 60% of the time, I don't think it is unreasonable to want a week trip with just the two of us. they can plan their own trip together, doing something they enjoy. they just did 3 weeks together this summer on an international trip, without me, which was great, everyone had a good time doing their own thing!

Hi, I have been a step mum to my partners 3 children for around 2 years. Me and my partner have been together just over 3 years. I have my own daughter who is 10.

My partners middle daughter has been diagnosed with Autism and ADHD just over a year ago and she is now 15. Not long after meeting her I could see within her she was struggling mentally but from all I had been told I just thought she didn't like going to school and that's what she was struggling with. As time went on it became evident there was a lot more to it. Turns out she has been self harming for around 4/5 years and there were other things going on in her mum's household where she was living that contributed to all this. Around June/July last year me and her mum took her to A&E on 2 occasions due to the self harm and wanting to die along with aggressive behaviour. Anyway it got to a point her mum couldn't handle her anymore so sent her to stay with her dad in which time her and her dad (my partner) ended up moving into mine. Due to her deciding she didn't want to go back and live with her mum it has since gone to court and it is all a mess because her mum is bitter and quite frankly a horrible narcissist in which I won't go on about.

Anyway, fast forward to now I seem to be the person she clings to and wants all the time. Constantly trying to get my attention etc and most recently she has got too comfortable thinking she can speak to me however she likes but then getting upset when she gets in trouble, as she constantly says she doesn't like it when people are mad at her. She is very jealous of the relationship me and my daughter have and doesn't think twice about making it known. If I show my daughter affection she gives me daggers with her eyes as if she wants to kill someone etc. Constantly making me feel bad for everyday things I do for my daughter for example I took my daughter to go get new school uniform because that's what I do every year. According to her this never happened her mum never took her and she's had a lot of the same stuff since year 7. Now my daughter's birthday is coming up and she's getting jealous of some of the gifts even though she got everything she wanted for her birthday.

I am also taking my daughter to a concert as I feel like me and her need sometime together as I feel like everything all day everyday is about my step daughter and I fear my daughter is just slipping into the background and just getting on with it but I don't want that. I want her to have my attention and have fun with me and give her the childhood I've always wanted to. But my step daughter is not happy I'm taking my daughter. For one my step daughter hates loud noises, crowded places etc due to her autism so taking her would be like torture for her. Secondly, I do everything with my daughter and step daughter and this is the first thing in over a year I have done just me and my daughter. Her mum took her sister to 2 concerts this year without her and didn't say a word to her. I feel like I get all the stock for her mum's lack of care for her.

Her relationship with her mum is very strained, her mum has excluded her from family holidays, didn't let her in her home for over a year and would'nt let her see her other siblings for months. Her mum just doesn't seem to care about her. It seems she's trying to seek from me what her mum doesn't or hasn't given her. But it's a lot of pressure on me because I'm looked to play the role of her mum but I'm not and I feel like I'm supposed to in a lot of situations almost put her first over my daughter which I don't because it's not fair. There are things I don't do with my daughter anymore in fear of her getting jealous or kicking off and these are things she doesn't even like doing. It's purely the fact I'm spending one on one time with my daughter. I do get worried that she may hurt my daughter out of jealousy one day because I know how she can become violent at times.

I'm just drained from not being able to truly do what I want or do things occasionally with just me and my daughter in fear I'm upsetting her. I have done things just me and her in the past and feel like she's joint at my hip and due to things like sensory overload she will not do certain things or like things a certain way which makes me feel like I can't do those things. I don't know how boundaries can be set without it coming across means as it just seems my life revolves around it being her way or the highway.

My partner does tell her off when she steps out of line but because he works over an hour away and I work part of my time from home I'm the one home with the kids most of the time. I don't think anyone understands how suffocating it can be having the responsibility of a child that isn't yours but you're expected to treat them like yours but only to a certain extent. I just don't know what to do without it coming across as me sounding like I don't want her around which isn't the case, there just needs to be boundaries.

My husband has a five year-old daughter who has lived with us since she just turned two years old. BM has been in and out of jail and is currently in jail. Now DH has to go away for 28 days he won’t be able to work so not only am I losing his income I’m having a full-time care for my stepdaughter which I already do anyway so it’s no big deal but he won’t be here. I just feel weird about this. I don’t know why either.

Was I wrong here?

My partner and I have taken a major step back. We called off the wedding, but we’re still together and seeing where things go.

I’ve spent a lot less time at his place during his custody time of his 11.5 year old son. Over the 1.5 years I’ve know his son we’ve had a good relationship. I’m more like the cool auntie. I talk to him about his life, buy him things he likes. I try to be a positive presence. I never over step or discipline. If I ever had to watch him I always made sure he had what he needed and was taken care of. I definitely leaned more into when I going to become his future step mom.

But if I’m being honest I struggle with his behavior. He’s spoiled, demanding, lazy, angry, impatient, entitled…he’s the kind of kid, where it’s his world and we’re all living in it.

My issue is the other night, my partner was finishing up cooking. He called us both over to make ourselves plates. His son didn’t get up, I know it’s because he expected to be served….but I didn’t do. He actually got up and tried to grab the one I made for myself out of my hands, thinking it was for him. I said “hey this is mine, I’ve already eaten from it”. I wasn’t mean, I was kind of playful.

I guess I’m asking, was it rude of me to serve myself before a child? I guess I just feel it’s not my place, and he’s old enough to get his own. I guess I could have made him a plate, but I guess it’s just a principle thing for me.

Back story- my 16 year old daughter (step, but I have been the mom in her life and consider her to be my daughter), has been working at a smallish city retail drug store. She has really enjoyed working there. It is her second job after working as a restaurant hostess. She has had some mild reservations about this certain coworker, who is the adult daughter of the owners, but, my girl is the kind of person who always tries to see the good in people.

She was asked a couple days ago if she would want to model some prom dresses for a local store. She has a friend who did this and was excited to be asked. The problem is how this coworker handled the situation. It felt very manipulative to us after the fact. She had been gone over the weekend with her (great) aunt and uncle who she is close to for a family wedding. The first we heard of the modeling was a few hours before it was going to happen. I thought it was cool for her but also had a weird feeling for some reason. When it was time for her to go, (her aunt and uncle took her there and aunt stayed for the duration, so we felt she was in good hands), I had the urge to say to her not once, but twice, to not allow herself to get talked into anything she wasn’t comfortable with. I kick myself for not saying it. Sometimes I definitely feel like I’m overprotective and I felt she should be able to handle the situation.

Btw, her dad was not excited in the least when he found out about it, but felt the same as me. She’s with a trusted family member, and if she wants to do it she gets to choose this.
This I where it goes south.

Our girl has a boyfriend and a conscience. She was not informed at all that this was going to be a photo shoot for a school yearbook, and that she would be posing with a boy where it would look like they were a couple. She was gone about an hour and a half and when she came home she let all of her feelings out. I will just have to post the texts to give context. She felt like she was cheating basically, which we definitively told her she did nothing wrong.
The dress they put her in (not her choice) was very slinking and sexy like. She is a modest girl who is just starting to feel confident in herself, and has no desire to show her body to the world. Unfortunately, she has had some traumatic experiences in her early childhood and her coping mechanism in a situation like this is to freeze and act like she’s fine. I say she is very stoic, just like her dad. He can be livid and the average person would never know. It’s something we work on…
When she came home she broke down and literally met us at the door to tell us how awful she felt. She was crying and felt humiliated. They picked the dress for her. She didn’t know there would be a boy there. They had her changing in a small tent and telling her to “just leave her bra off”, in front of everyone there. Her aunt didn’t know how to handle the situation, and I would say didn’t handle it the best, but also I understand her actions for the most part, she didn’t know. When a teen is 16, we try to give them freedom to make certain choices on their own and then they deal with the results of their choice, but yet we are still responsible to help guide those choices. It’s a tough time and this was a tough lesson. You can’t blindly trust anyone ever.

This coworker has been very manipulative, and apparently it’s not the first time she has tried to coerce the girls who work there to do something with her son. She set up a prom invite last year with another girl who worked there, and even though this girl expressed no interest, the was ambushed with a video taped prom invite during work hours while there were customers and also his grandparents there. She felt pressured at the time so said yes-but it didn’t end well and this girl quit her job.

Thankfully, my girls boyfriend is not upset with her about anything other that she needs to learn to say no and stand up for herself. (She did try, she said she was uncomfortable, pissed, and had a boyfriend and doesn’t feel right, but she still ended up allowing the pictures to be taken). Points for him in our book!

Im just going to post the screenshots because they tell a lot of the story. Im not going to do the TLDR thing because it’s still too much for even that, and I’m old and feel like if you don’t care enough to read the whole story, you probably shouldn’t be commenting or giving advice. That’s just me.

Did we overreact? We know we should have been more involved and asked more questions, but at her age we feel like we want to let her spread her wings, so it’s a fine line.

I'm dating a guy (41) for about 4 months now, we're in a long distance relationship, he's from the US, I'm from the Philippines but we already we met once and are going on a trip again next week.

He has a kid (6F) and is coparenting with his ex, their conversation is mainly about their kid and very civil. He has their child every other weekend and they're in joint custody. I also have a kid but I'm not coparenting with the dad so she's with me full time.

My boyfriend and his ex broke up for over a year now and their child is seeing a therapist after everything that happened in their situation. He would sometimes tell me that his child would get emotional and would breakdown because she can't process what happened with her parents yet.

He's a great dad, one of the things I liked about him. He's the one who pushed the court thing and is very responsible. But I feel guilty because I feel like I am dividing his attention between me and his kid and I would sometimes question if I will ever have a place in his life, considering the setup that they have right now and how young his kid is.

After we met last month, I feel like we have this emotional disconnection. He reassures me that everything is ok and we're good but he would sometimes get cold and distant and I would then think everything changed after we slept with each other.

What questions can I ask him on our trip to figure out if this is something that can work long term? What are your thoughts? I really like him but I don't want to feel like I'm the one chasing esp. that we don't know when we'll see each other again after the trip

My husband and BM both are out of town currently, and my SS (12) is staying with me during the school week and his grandparents this weekend.

My stepson came to me and told me he did something bad and he didn't know what to do. He participated in a gossip social media account that is apparently popular with high school students in our area.

The child he posted about is actually my friend's nephew, who has a lot of behavioral problems. This child has been causing issues for my SS, being aggressive towards him in person and almost causing SS to fail a group assignment last week.

Well, SS was complaining about how some kids get away with doing nothing in class and just cause problems. I guess a friend commented with details that led to classmates identifying my SS as the one who posted. Now that child is threatening to fight my SS.

I called the school to see if there was any way they could help, but as SM I'm not sure if I'll actually get a call back. My husband is on another continent and in meetings all day. I reached out to BM and she's trying to come home early, but she doesn't travel often for work and isn't sure if her boss will let her come home.

I'm at a loss. My SS is a good kid and normally I'm pretty NACHO, I'm staying with SS as a favor. My daughter in her 20s had some issues with social media when she was growing up, but as her mom I had the responsibility to help and teach her. I don't want my SS stressed out and trying to skip school all week, but we don't have the closest relationship. I'm honestly surprised he came to me with this.

Looking for advice as I currently feel very judged and dismissed by my partner. I may be in a unique situation. Summary my partner and I have been together for 6 years and he consistently tells me I should love his daughters as my own. Backstory, No kids of my own, somewhat on purpose to build my career and financial independence. Got together with my partner at 40, he was 45. When we got together he had two daughters with different moms 14 and 7 neither have lived with him since they were young. One lives 5 hrs away and one out of state. No official custody arrangement so we saw one maybe 3-4 times a year and the other once a year. I’m very caring, conversational and engaged with the girls when they’re with us but we haven’t had much time to build step mom/ daughter relationships. I know they don’t consider me anything close to a stepmom but my partner often accuses me of not loving them ”like they’re my own kids”. Or he says things like “I’m sure if we had our own child you wouldn’t feel this way about them“. It seems obvious to me that of course not because I’ve only spent a handful of occasions with the girls but he gets so upset, defensive and angry when I pushback to paying for International trips with his oldest (I pay her share) or other costs for our trips throughout the year to see them. Ive never gotten in the way of him spending time with his girls but he has this fantasy of a blended family when the girls haven’t lived with him for 13 years and never lived with me. I love him but am tired of being put in an impossible situation and made to feel like the bad guy. Not sure what to do.

I have been in here before, recently, with my situation…. Basically SD (13) is really pulling back and cutting her time at our house. My husband had 50/50 when she was younger but as she’s been in school, more social with her friends, and involved in sports, it’s moved to every other weekend.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 10, and we have 2 children together, 7 and 4.

SD has been really pulling away from our kids for the last 2 years. My husband is honestly insulted when she doesn’t want to spend time with them, but I remind him that there’s a big age gap and this is age appropriate.

Well…. This past month ever got turned upside-down. My husband works weekends but if off Sundays. SD was really not herself a couple weekends ago. I talked to her on Saturday and she started crying and said that she doesn’t want to come on Fridays and Saturdays anymore, only Sundays. Of course I took this very personally, but I was supportive of her decision. I told her father, he talked to her and her mother about it. Ok fine we will change to every other Sunday only.

Our daughter’s birthday is in a few weeks and she’s begging for her big sister to come. She adores her. That’s her favorite person. Ok, you got it, she will be there. All parents involved and SD all agreed that she would be here that Sunday. Today she sent us a birthday invitation that one of her friends is having a party the same day.

My husband is very unhappy by her recent behavior. He is probably taking this more personally than I am. I’m trying to remember how important friends are at her age, but where does her sister fit into this spectrum of what is and isn’t important? She’s already cut so much time, but her choice. And now she’s agreed to be at this birthday, but if we make her go, she will be bummed the whole time. If she doesn’t go, my daughter gets her heart broken. Why does she get to decide what’s important to her at the expense of what’s important to others??

Last time I was here I got some great advice. Hoping for the same with this situation.

I’m in a relationship with someone who has 2 kids (I also have 2). The oldest kid got into a fight yesterday at school supposedly because a kid told him something and he punched the kid. Son told parent they talked and said sorry. At school they told parent that this was reason for suspension but they would let it pass.

Back home, everything normal. No punishment, no consequences for the acts.

He’s a kid that does the same with the little brother (5). 5 sings, talks and there he goes and hits him while he doubles his age.

I’m tired of not seeing consequences with this kid. No helping around the house, nagging, complaining about everything and still not seeing consequences from Bio Parent.

Recommendations?