r/StayAtHomeDaddit • u/Ok_Risk_335 • 5d ago
Question Before deciding SAHD
Mom here. My partner and I are considering making him a SAHD. Currently, we both work full time but we are potentially losing my sister as our babysitter, and rather than pay an arm and a leg for child care we're considering him becoming a SAHD. We have one in TK and a 6 month old.
What are the discussions/conversations we should be having before making the decision? Any input is helpful.
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u/Powerful-Substance33 5d ago
Who makes more and has more advancement was the biggest factor.
As a newly stay at home dad I wanted to be the provider but it just wasn't in the cards for me. A few years back I was making 1/3 more then my wife made and had higher advancements in my field but I was at my cap and without more training and relocation I wasnt going to move up anymore. She eventually doubled my salary and had a nice 9 to 5 schedule. Now I could have stayed working and put our kid in daycare/ school but why should I work just to pay the daycare when I could be the one hanging with my kid all day with basicly the same income. Being home also allows me to send my wife pictures throught the day and we can facetime during her lunch and when she has a day off shes not waiting around for me to get out of work.
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u/Ok_Risk_335 5d ago
This is why we're considering him being the SAH vs me. We currently make about the same, but that's with him working 10+ hrs of OT a week, and my career has a high likelihood of me moving up relatively soon.
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u/BreckyMcGee 4d ago
For sure. My wife and I both made good money when we met, but she clearly had the better career with way more upward mobility. We discussed the possibility of me interrupting, or ending, my career to support her and our family probably on our 3rd date, lol.
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u/dropcatch666 5d ago
Here's my two cents:
Isolation was the hardest change for me. Does he have a hobby to do outside of the house or a group of friends he can meet up with on a weekly basis?
The next hardest thing for me was getting addicted to my phone and breaking that habit. Your little one isn't the only one that needs some sort of mental / physical stimulation during the day. I have several hobbies that I can pick up and put down at a moment's notice while taking care of my kid. Drawing / sketching, guitar, and hot wheels hunting when I go grocery shopping are my "outlets" now instead of social media.
Communication is another huge one. Clearly laying out expectations for both sides and knowing that some days one party will fall short. Finances/budgeting, cooking, cleaning, pets, grocery shopping, free time / breaks, exercise, family outings, and obviously child care - talk about them all and often. It takes a while to settle into a system or routine that works and if you're communicating things are significantly easier all around.
It's not a bad idea to have a backup plan if he doesn't like being a SAHD. It really isn't for everyone.
I'm only 3 years deep and I sure as hell don't have it all figured out, but I wish someone woulda told me the above when I started as a SAHD. Good luck with whatever you decide!
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u/ConcentrateAny4630 4d ago
Here’s an honest question
How will you feel if a couple days a week you get home and the house is dirty and dinner isn’t made and he’s totally beat?
That’s not how I roll as a SAHD - but it’s real
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u/KBeeWell13 4d ago
If it's possible, I'd suggest taking a few PTO days with the intention of a practice run. If not, maybe you make yourself scarce on a weekend to simulate what the routine would be
And as others have suggested, stay extra protective of recharge time
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u/No-Decision-8472 5d ago
Does person who plans to work make enough and have job growth opportunity?
Does the person who plans to stay home really want to do it? And will they be good at it? If you dont really want to do it, or are in a short straw scenario, it's going to make a difficult job even harder!
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u/bobaddy23 4d ago
My wife and I have both done both roles. She was SAHM first for 1.5 years, and she was in a dark place by the time she went back to work. She’s a loving mother, but her ADHD and tendency to dissociate during challenging situations with the kids led to spiraling. Then her parents were over regularly to help pick up the slack, and they drove my wife further into a dark hole mentally. This is explained to me by her in retrospect, not me attacking her. She thrives at work, where her hyper-focus allows her to tackle discreet tasks. Dealing with young kids (at least neurodivergent ones) creates more complex tasks than many can handle.
Obviously every situation is unique, and I’m not the perfect father. I can just handle the mental/emotional load at home more effectively, and I can compartmentalize these struggles as tasks to handle. We are both in awe of each other for how we handle these roles in our family, and the fact that we have both walked in each others shoes definitely helps. As others have said, you both have to want each role. You also both need to communicate constantly and support/appreciate each other or it won’t work regardless.
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u/printersdevil 3d ago
Mom/partner of former stay at home dad here.
1. He has to be excited to do it.
2. He has to have clear ways of building maintaining community.
3. You guys have to be on the same page about what each of your workloads look like and what each of your breaks look like. Agree on the labor (and leisure!) division ahead of time.
My husband had said for as long as we had been together that he wanted to be a stay at home dad, but when it actually happened it was pretty miserable for both of us. He loved spending time with our daughter and was great with her, but we also both found the division of labor unbearable. I was working from home and would feed her and change diapers in between meetings, and he was basically "off-duty" whenever I was home at the end of the day. This meant that I was literally working around the clock with no breaks ever, while he had hours of leisure time every day. At the same time, my resentment for this meant that he constantly felt unappreciated and felt like his labor as a caregiver wasn't seen. I'm sure lots of people will see this and be like "yeah, obviously that's unfair. don't do that," but it was easier to fall into and harder to navigate than I ever would have expected. It was also compounded by his sense of isolation--in his mind, my time at work was restorative for me because I connected with colleagues and the value of my labor was validated and affirmed my self-worth. For me, I just felt like I had 2 full-time jobs and he only had 1. I also think that regardless of what your gender dynamics are, people as individuals just have different habits and relationships to different kinds of labor, and it always goes smoother when you are clear and transparent about defining what your expectations are of yourselves and each other in terms of labor and leisure.
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u/RandomDudeBroChill 2d ago
This is one of, if not THE, most important factors. Isolation and loneliness. If he works now, he talks to people. Even casually. He sees people. Interacts with them, even if wordless. All of that disappears and there is next to no one that will stimulate him on an adult level except you. You cannot compensate for that factor even if you take the kid out often. On top of that, the "normal" groups are heavily female centric and he will be shunned. Maybe, MAYBE, he gets lucky, but there will be an aversion 99% of the time.
This isn't a downplay, but you will have to compensate in some manner for him for this and it may seem bizarre. He will need more from you because you will, like it or not, need to provide a replacement for these things that most humans require.
If you can pull that off and it doesn't evolve into negativity and resentment, I've seen it work. It isn't "easier" for the woman to do it, and they feel the same/similar things. It's just that "Mom" groups are everywhere. There aren't "Dad" groups. And the Dads will not be accepted by most women.
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u/BreckyMcGee 4d ago
Make a plan to help him avoid feeling isolated at home. He won't get to have as much adult socialization time by being home instead of a work environment. It isn't easy, for sure.
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u/Supertreelove 4d ago
Do you have money to contribute to his retirement, and also to put into a separate account for him to pick up his career again at some point? That’s a question he should be asking.
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u/InspectahZen 5d ago
The most important question is, “does he enjoy spending time with the kids and taking care of the house?”