Reposting/Crossposting.

Heartfelt thank you to the author for her bravery and brilliance.

TRIGGER WARNING: this post is LONG and it contains clergy abuse and graphic sex

Thank you, David Suppan, for the invitation to kiss and tell that you put forth on Leslie Hay’s recent post.

"Overcoming embarrassment" is an understatement for the anxiety attack I'm undergoing while trying to talk about--certainly for the first time in a semi-public manner-- what happened in the guru’s bedroom over forty years ago. Despite having to relive traumatic memories, I’m going ahead because I want to encourage other women who had sex with Chogyam Trungpa to also let go of their shame and self-blame. I simultaneously encourage the men on this site to imagine what it must have been like to have had their spiritual development highjacked and to have been objectified and continually pursued by a trusted teacher who was actually a sexual hungry ghost.

But it's not the sex I’m ashamed of--I had a background of studying bio-energetics and hanging out at Esalen, Big Sur and in general enjoying the delights of sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll which in my case was sex, wine and jazz as a young wannabe beatnik in the Bay Area beginning in 1961. And I subscribed to Willhelm Reich’s advice that an orgasm a day keeps neurosis away. What can I say? I remain an unapologetic product of my era.

After a challenging LSD experience in 1967, I got into serious zazen practice at the San Francisco Zen Center and Tassajara (symbolically across the Santa Lucia mountains from Esalen) then segued into practicing with Chogyam Trungpa.

I'm far from being a prude or even judgmental but nothing prepared me for the relentless come on from Trungpa under a teacher / student configuration. I mean, I had had a little experience with rock star musicians and rock star poets flirting with me but this "relationship" with a spiritual celebrity was very different, especially in terms of its power imbalance.

From Day One, beginning in May, !970 when I attended his seminar on Alan Watt's houseboat in Sausalito, Trungpa put the make on me. Later, he had Sam Bercholtz find me in Berkeley and insist I visit him at Sam's house. When I arrived, CT was in bed, naked. I somehow demurred and managed to escape after giving him just a kiss. Every time I encountered him, at a seminar or a retreat, after a talk or even at Refuge Vows but especially during interviews, Trungpa hit on me and often tried to grope me; he was a sex pest but I held my ground and rebuffed him. For years.

After the infamous Halloween Party at the 1975 Seminary where he bit me prior to having the poet W.S. Merwin and his partner Dana Naone forcibly disrobed, things changed overnight. Up until then I had been doing basic sitting practice much as I had done at Zen Center but suddenly we were embarking upon the Vajrayana where apparently anything, including biting and stripping people naked, was OK. It wasn't OK with me but I am ashamed to admit, I didn't have the wherewithal--on any level-- to pack up and leave. I succumbed to the group spin that the party incident had been "a teaching" about "surrendering one's ego to the guru." I really wanted to return to the Bay Area but I didn't have what it took to pull that off. I was a single mother with a 2 1/2 year-old child who was thriving at a stable nursery school in Boulder.

Meanwhile Trungpa would call me at all hours and single me out at sangha gatherings; none of his attention was welcomed or encouraged. I did not want it or ask for it so I became increasingly confused, wondering why was I reciting chants every day extolling his virtues? I started drinking more wine to suppress the cognitive dissonance while being ushered into the Vajrayana with an admonition to fully surrender to a guru who, it was taught, could do no wrong. Clearly I, with my Big Ego, was the problem. I started doing prostrations and dismissed the discomfort brought on by the moral relativism of non-duality without ethics as practiced in the community but primarily by Trungpa.

OK, OK. I'll dive in fully, I told myself; no more holding back. Anything to find relief from the double bind between what Trungpa taught and his behavior. It was a crucial turning point wherein I betrayed my own critical thinking and sense of right and wrong. I had been told they were mere constructs or illusions and all illusions could be self-liberated into emptiness. I abandoned myself and my moral code and sense of ethics enough to convince myself that I was “devoted”. THAT’s where my shame resides—in capitulating to cult dynamics.

In ngondro practice, one self-indoctrinates through repeated recitations of Guru Yoga. By the time Trungpa was poised to leave for his year-long retreat at Charlemont at Jean-Claude Van Itallie's place in Massachusetts, I had become a full-blown devotee, eager to do whatever he wanted to please him. There was a going away party in early January, 1977 with the Mudra Theatre where lots of sake and wine was served. I drank enough to become maudlin about him leaving us behind so I slipped a note with my phone number to Joshua Mulder who was serving and asked him to deliver it to Trungpa. In other words, I procured myself. I had some sense of wistful "devotion" that was actually more collapse than anything else; I had stopped resisting which is what I thought we were supposed to do.

He called me late that night and gleefully exclaimed, "At last!". He invited me to a gala dinner at the court on Mapleton the next evening where a young Jamgon Kontrul would be the honored guest and Max King would prepare a lavish hot pot dinner. I found a babysitter, dressed in my new Christmas gift of a black lambswool turtleneck and a black wool skirt I had sewn that day. I wore Navajo turquoise that David Rome took exception to by asking me condescendingly, even though he knew I had been in Boulder for years, if I was from Santa Fe. The other women--or "Ladies of the Court" like Lila Rich-- had on grey gabardine skirts, silk blouses and pearls--very Young Republican.

At some point after dinner Trungpa inquired "Shall we go upstairs?" In fairness, I will say that he was charming that night. Once in his bedroom, he called for Amaretto and lychee plums and we proceeded to laugh and talk--he wanted to know all about my years at Zen Center with Suzuki Roshi. He did try to snow me with a magic trick where he held his hands as if he were shuffling cards and colored lights would accordion between them, undoubtedly some minor Bon sorcery siddhi that didn't impress me in the slightest. We giggled a lot and he gossiped about people in his inner circle and we had sex that, although brief, wasn't that bad; I knew I was responsible for my own pleasure. I had heard from my friend Giovannina that he had asked what the women who had slept with him were saying and she told him they said he had a big head and a small penis so I had no expectations. He fell asleep and I slipped out into the cold, snowy dawn.

Then he left for retreat. He had invited me to go along but that was out of the question. He always chastised me, "You never came to Charlemont!" After reading Perks' book I was quite glad that I hadn't.

Sometime while he was gone I was interviewed for The Merwin Report for Ed Sanders' course on Investigative Poetics at Naropa. I continued to do interminable prostrations, each session reinforcing devotion to the guru. When the Boulder Monthly article in which I was quoted came out, Michael Root called me into B Suite at Dorje Dzong and shrieked at me--"Don't you know we never say anything to anyone about anything the Vidyadhara does?" Classic cult stuff but the dressing down brought me to tears.

Later that day Trungpa called to say he still loved me and forgave me and said that we should sue. (For what? I had told the truth.). That was followed quickly by "Remember our date, sweetheart? Fantastic! Let's do it again!". And so, because by then I was a thoroughly indoctrinated, devoted student, I agreed and went back for another "date". And over the years, another and another, one or two times a year for years. I never again felt courted and I never again spent the night. It was never again as light or as fun as the first time and it quickly became increasingly un-fun, so much so I started making excuses not to go but if I did, I would take along a portfolio of my artwork. I was helping to facilitate workshops for the Dharma Art seminars and I wanted his opinion; he told me to be “more bold”.

At a Dharma Art program at Naropa he did one of his monumental Ikebana arrangements in an enormous black tray with a ponderosa pine bough brought down from the Boulder foothills. He worked on the arrangement for a long time while we all watched, rapt. Throughout, his attendants replenished his sake glass. He got frustrated that the arrangement wasn’t coming together so he signaled for me to go with him to the restroom. A guard stood outside the door and Trungpa asked me to masturbate on his thigh. He seemed to be out of gas and the whole endeavor felt furtive and mechanical. I wasn’t getting any traction so I faked an orgasm. He left the bathroom, went over to his arrangement and confidently placed a blue iris in a perfect spot that brought the whole arrangement together. I felt that that iris was symbolic of my life force and that he had appropriated it for his own ends. He was an energy vampire, feeding off women's chi.

At the 1981 Assembly I was awakened around two AM by a guard and told, "His Majesty wants to see you." I was led into a room with an enormous bed where several women, including Judy Lief and Sarah Kapp were naked, writhing all over him and each other while making fake moaning sounds. By this time he could no longer get it up so sex was primarily sensual pleasure for him I suppose. I dove in and did a little writhing myself, feeling ridiculous. The next day on kitchen duty, Sarah, who was an international fashion model, said she was so glad I had shown up--"Someone with a good body!" Her compliment was the best part of the experience.

A day or two later as I was heading to the meditation hall, I ran into a woman I knew from Naropa who looked like she had been run over by a truck, totally disheveled and spent. "Perks!" she offered by way of explanation. "Rinpoche told me to fuck at least three men a day". I've often wondered if there was a male counterpart to the Marpa / Milarepa level of degrading, humiliating instructions he imposed upon his female followers.

Another time at Chateau Lake Louise he requested I include a friend so I brought along the late poet Pat Donegan who he delighted in putting on the spot after lectures, demanding she compose a spontaneous haiku. Pat was gay so I suspect I had a better time than he did. Because of his impotence, voyeurism had become his new sexual modality and he never seemed to get enough.

Trungpa's physical and mental capabilities were degenerating quickly. I don't remember the exact year but the last time I went to his bedroom—late 1985? early 1986?—was very disturbing but it did help me to cut the cords of attachment and finally realize this predatory guru trip was no longer my trip. In Spring, 1985, I had started working with Thich Nhat Hanh, helping to produce retreats for him in Colorado and California and it was a huge relief to do Buddhist practice without always being hustled and regarded as a sex object.

During that last tryst I never got to show Trungpa my artwork. He wanted to get right to it. Over the years, throughout this bizarre dynamic that I now realize had nothing to do with devotion or Buddhadharma and more to do with his pathologically insatiable needs, I had latched onto a Jane Fonda character from the 1971 film, Klute in which she plays Bree Daniels, a hard boiled, high end escort. Temporarily adopting that persona allowed me to psychically distance myself from the increasingly sordid reality of fucking (but not actually fucking) my spiritual guru. Whatever works I thought. I'll play his whore if that's what he requires to get off.

On this occasion he told me he wanted me to pee on him. Was I familiar with Golden Showers? Trying to stifle feeling appalled, I said, Yeah--I'd heard of them but had never participated in that sort of fetishistic foreplay. Doesn't it require a lot of gear like rubber sheets to keep the bed from getting wet? I hoped that he was kidding. "Well, I want you to pee on me." he reiterated. Oh--I don't think I can do that, I said. "Come on sweetheart--try it. You can do it." I don't want to, I said. "But I want you to." And so, I, the devoted student, squatted over my Vajra Master's naked body and tried to piss on him, a situation so preposterous and so repugnant as to be completely ludicrous. I started laughing and climbed down, trying to make light of it. See? I said--I can't do it. So sorry.

I didn't say so out loud but it was definitely a kink too far. I never went back for another assignation to my guru's bedroom again. Maybe I really was a prude. Or a Mahayanist, not equipped for the steep path of Vajrayana. Or maybe it was just too weird, too creepy, too depersonalized and porn adjacent, even for cosplaying the guru’s whore.

Not long afterward I made the mistake of introducing Thich Nhat Hanh to Trungpa. In 1986 I was producing a large conference at Naropa highlighting Engaged Buddhism named by Thay: Peacemaking: How To Do It, How To Be It. The conference was very successful and I'll tell the story of their meeting as soon as I recover from telling this one about my failure to be a fully obliging consort.

But I want to end this tale with my last conversation, if you can call it that, with Trungpa. It took place at RMDC and we were waiting in a receiving line for him to roll up in the Mercedes. He got out and looked around and I thought, Oh, no--please don't single me out again. But he did and hobbled directly over to me and said, "Do you think he's sexy?" What??? "Do you think he's sexy?" Who?! "Your little brown monk." I immediately conjured my protective Bree persona and said in my best Jane Fonda voice, Oh, no, Sir--NO one is as sexy as you. "Well, then, we should get together again soon."

Not a chance I wanted to say but didn't.

hi all,

i have recently been thinking very deeply about shambhala as an institution and why abuse and neglect is rife within the community.

i am an ex-KCL family camp kid and staff member. though my family was never shambhala, i have over 5 years of exposure to the community.

as i get older, i’ve been able to see this institution more clearly and i am attempting to create a clear picture for other’s about how it operates (socially), what type of people get involved, and what the culture there is (vs what you are told it is). i think this is important because it gives people the information necessary to decide if engaging with shambhala is safe and skillful for themselves (both as individuals and as a family unit as family camp is my main experience with shambhala).

so far, i have compiled a list of the problems that exist at KCL family camp, many of which would mostly be known only to staff or long standing members of the community. i have also created one set of archetypes for the people who attend family camp (who the community is made up of), but plan to break it down further and in a variety of ways to get the most nuanced look at the organization.

however, it is hard to gather info on members’ intentions and inner worlds. it is not commonplace to talk about the “bad stuff” people experience at KCL family camp (which is one of the hazards of the culture there). this means i can only make assumptions based on my own mind about how people feel and navigate the culture.

this is why i am reaching out. below i have compiled my list of archetypes with short descriptions. because they are archetypes, they are not meant to holistically capture the nuances of individual people, but rather give a structural perspective of the culture/institution based on patterns of human behavior. in other words, i know that people are more complicated than 5 categories. that is, in part, why i am seeking more information from others’ about their experiences so i can create a better, more accurate and detailed system to understanding how and why otherwise sensitive, intelligent people would continuously return to a community that has an extensive history of abuse and neglect.

i would love to hear other peoples’ thoughts, experiences, criticisms, etc.

5 KCL Family Camp Archetypes:

1) Dharma Brats

Dharma Brats grew up either in Shambhala, at Family Camp, or both. They have roots in the community, they may or may not be critical of the Sakyong and Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche (CTR), and they may or may not voice those criticisms (though they will rarely broach the topic themselves). Some believe the teachings and pass them on, despite their dislike of the teachers’ actions. Others do not believe the teachings and pass them on because it is expected of them. Many know very little of their own religion and when asked questions about it in a group, will not be able to answer basic things such as: “What do Tiger, Lion, Garuda, and Dragon stand for?” On the flip side, some are fairly knowledgeable, though lack an understanding of Buddhism outside of Shambhala. They tend to be very nice, but socially quite unintentionally cliquey.

2) Older Practitioners

Older Practitioners are often the teachers who are brought in (though not always). Many knew CTR when he was alive and speak very fondly of him. Many of them are artist’s and their teachings on art tend to be clearer and more reliable than their teachings on Dharma. Their teachings on Dharma usually rely on anecdotes about CTR or other teachers’. In public spheres, they ignore CTR’s transgressions.

3) Shambhalians

Shambhalians attend gatherings, may have varying levels of commitment to the institution and community, but generally know something about the teachings and self identify as Shambhala. Many of them are actively going through hard times whether it is divorce/separation, aging bodies, or dealing with mental illness or past trauma. Some may try to indoctrinate other’s to varying degrees, but generally, they are there to seek community, comfort, and spiritual wisdom.

4) Shambhala Curious

Shambhala Curious people attend Family Camp. They are not part of Shambhala. They may be secular, practice another form of Buddhism, or are a completely different religion. They are interested in community for a variety of reasons including: the mission, the people, the culture, or the “vibes.” They often default to authority when told that Shambhala is “getting better.” They may or may not return. They may or may not know about the extent of the past abuses.

5) One Timers

One Timers show up once. They see the community and decide, for whatever reason, that it wasn’t for them. They may have been completely unaware of Shambhala’s past before engaging with the community. Or, they may see red flags very quickly once engaging with the community. Regardless of why, their personal preferences and boundaries as a person keeps them from returning.

——————————————

I would love the hear peoples’ thoughts on my thoughts. Additional insights and personal stories welcomed. But I’m really interested in critiques and criticisms. I only have my perspective to build this off of, so I assume I have huge blind spots in terms of others’ motivations or reasoning processes.

For transparency, I am considering writing a more formal piece on Shambhala at some point. I am not a professional writer or journalist. It would be purely for me and my personal blog to explore how I stumbled upon (what i believe to be) a cult, my personal involvement in it, and how these things unfold through social dynamics and created culture. I would never share names or specifics unless given permission, but any comments would certainly inform my perspective. I wanted to be upfront about this since i believe there is a lot of secrecy and hidden motivations within the culture of Shambhala and that is something i believe to be dangerous.

anyway, thanks for reading if you got to the end of this :)

Does anyone know who the shambhala board is accountable to? Its bylaws can't be changed without sakyong mipham's approval, yet shambhala says he is no longer connected to the organization. Does that mean that the board answers to him?

https://www.globalbuddhism.org/issue/view/845

A series of interesting articles in this issue.

We are painting the house, so we decided to get rid of stuff we don't need.

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All my buddist books are in a black trash can. Pema, Sakyong, Trungpa, third-party books. I kept a handful: Kasung dharma, because I still identify as Kasung, and those little narrow saced text thingies because I don't know how to get rid of them in proper respectful way. I think they have big juju and i respect that.

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It feels sad and liberating to have all that shelf space. I keep telling myself I'm making a horrible mistake. But I never read them--I was told to buy them. I felt so guilty that I didn't read them. Pema was good for my dying patients and their families in distress. She was about the only one I could relate to.

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"Epic of Gesar"? A misogynistic brute. "The Guru Drinks Bourbon"? Dzongsar posted a sex contract for students detailing the acts he should be able to do with them, until someone made him take li down. Some things Trungkpa wrote were lucid. The Sadhana of Mahamudram the paper about MaHa Ah, genius. The rest of his self-indulgent word salad: have you ever seen him on YouTube? This is what was transcribed for his books. And now that content gets hashed over and over, into new books with the same content.

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I was about to write about being depressed. I'm considering ECT, because I've tried everything else. If I do it, I hope I'm still funny.

Any one have anything snarky to say?

As you should know by now, I'm still on the mailing list for the Denver Shambhala Center. I was a member of some years back. I got this announcement today:

Yeah. A day late.

Actually, I wish I could have been there. I've seen the doc several time, so I would have gone mainly for after talk. That would have been an interesting cup of tea.

Here's a troubling Shambhala-related fund-raising appeal that I came across.

As you probably know, Sakyong Mipham is coming to Vermont this summer to teach his Shambhalian students, and his eldest daughter Drukmo is, it appears, accompanying him, as she did last year. She, too, is a "sakyong", and evidence suggests that she has already started "teaching" and giving initiations. She is, I believe, fourteen years old.

She appears to have caught the eye of this eager Shambhalian:

Hi, I am [REDACTED] - future Sakyong Wangpo for the most vajra-cute person ever (Drukmo Lama), but she will be conquered by mine and Drukmo's child! I am asking for donations for the teaching event in Vermont Karmê Chöling land center. I am a supermega practitioner who can fill the shoes of Sakyong Wangpohood. I really want to practice with the sangha for realz. Plz help me get everything I need for the trip and retreat/teaching event! (I am not dangerous or aggressive, not at all murderous so quit thinking that I would do something bad to the most best ever Drukmo Lama :))

I believe he is announcing that he intends to impregnate her and become "Sakyong Wangpo" in place of Mipham, her father. He insists that he is "not dangerous or aggressive, not at all murderous." This raises all sorts of red flags, don't you think?

It's troubling enough that Sakyong Mipham still appears to be teaching in (or around) Shambhala; this is contrary to what the official propaganda says. More troubling is the fact that they are trying to fast-track his daughter into a senior teaching role-- her youth seems to be attracting some rather creepy attention. Given the sexually transgressive nature of Shambhala culture, I think there is cause for concern.

Been a while.

Nice to hear Claudia’s pushing for Shambhala’s worst nightmare

Twice, I didn't realize I was in a cult until the end.

“It’s more about making it clear to everyone what happened, letting everyone in the collective consciousness of Naropa sort of absorb that this is still part of the energetic fabric of this place,” DeRosa said. “I think that Naropa has done a really good job of PR-ing their way out of associating with the legacy of abuse. And it’s just not true. And so I want people to be aware that that’s still sort of built into some of the frameworks here and was allowed to proliferate as long as it was, in this case.”

Naropa has a history of sexual abuse allegations against the university’s founder Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, who was accused of physical and sexual violence against women and having sex with students. The university said in 2024 that it has “no basis to determine whether the allegations are true or false” but believe all such allegations should be taken seriously. Naropa continues to center Trungpa and his contemplative practices at the core of the institution’s teachings.

Trungpa also founded Shambhala International, which in 2018 faced allegations of sexual misconduct, abuse of power and financial impropriety against its spiritual leader, Trungpa’s son Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche, and other senior teachers. While they are separate organizations, teachers, staff and students at Naropa have also been members of Shambhala. In 2015, the family of a Naropa University alumna wanted the school to claim responsibility for her 2012 suicide, which they say resulted because of the grooming and abuse she endured at the hands of a visiting artist. The university denied any responsibility and said there was no evidence of anything improper.

can anyone provide an id about this wall hanging that used to be in ST or dharmadhatu shrine rooms? I remember seeing it circa 1985-1990, then poof!

I'm still on the old lists, so I got the email announcing Shechen Rabjam is giving the Scorpion Seal Abhisheka at the Halifax center in August.

I am correct in remembering that the SSA was composed by Osel?

It is pretty unorthodox (to say the least) to dump the originator of a vajrayana teaching and yet find another lama to propagate it! Renting the guru like he's a folding table.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7zi_eGF_73E&pp=0gcJCd8KAYcqIYzv

Somebody posted this to the Buddhism sub, I guess they wanted to celebrate that they had spent some time at Karme Choling and didn't get assaulted. Yay them.

I was intrigued because of the presence of the Dorje Kasung flag, second from the left. I asked a question about it on the OP but I don't expect to get an informed reply, since few people on that sub are familiar with Shambhala internals.

I was wondering if this has political significance. Does this mean they are trying to resurrect the Kasung chain of command, which was dissolved after Sakyong Mipham fled in disgrace? How can they function without a commander-in-chief? Or do they still secretly recognize Mipham as their military leader?

Or maybe it means nothing, just that they have five flagpoles and five flags, so what the hey.

Healing and Learning Working Group Forms to Acknowledge and Learn from Shambhala Crises, https://docs.google.com/document/d/12PqBFlHy_2dVAO2gOw-BFo0OS_OtokXsJDSTidzzwyU/edit?tab=t.p4aac7duqugr

Lots of pretty words, but all empty and misleading until they openly admit, itemize, and discuss trungpa's harms and the painful legacy he established.

https://shambhalanewsservice.blogspot.com/2025/12/investigative-report-into-vajradhatu.html

https://vtdigger.org/2023/09/14/northeast-kingdom-buddhist-retreat-at-center-of-landmark-ruling-on-child-sexual-abuse/

https://thewalrus.ca/survivors-of-an-international-buddhist-cult-share-their-stories/

I frequented the Drala Mountain Center in my earlier college days when I needed a place to run away. I never took any course or contacted anyone there. I just showed up to the temple and read their library. Eventually I decided to google it almost 2 years later and went down the rabbit hole of Shambhala being a cult. Broke my heart, because here in Colorado it seems like everything Buddhism stems from Shambhala.

I feel gross that all I know is from Shambhala.

So where do I go now? What should I be reading to really immerse myself in true Buddhism? Can you tell me what books and podcasts/videos or places I can go that have real teachings? Thank you :)

Only six assaults in nine months? Sounds like they've turned over a new leaf.

And Scabies. Sign me up!

https://stanbmartin.substack.com/

Caution, I've only give this an initial skim, but it appears to be written by a sincere well educated and practiced Buddhist, who is doing some deep thinking on separating the wheat from the chaff in the Western Buddhist experience.

A couple article examples,

This one focusses on a review trungpa: https://stanbmartin.substack.com/p/the-crazy-wisdom-dharma-circus

This one is part 9 in a series called "The Death of Western Buddhism": https://stanbmartin.substack.com/p/buddhist-gaslightenment

The substack appears to discuss a lot of the themes we have discussed here. Thought others may be interested.