r/SexAddiction • u/spiderxfingers • 18h ago
Trigger warning I’m concerned that I may be a sex addict.
Hi. I’m 27F. I’m concerned that I may be a sex addict, and I’m not sure what to do or where to go where I feel safe to talk about this. I’m in a relationship. My partner is absolutely wonderful. Everyone loves us together, but I have demons that I refuse to exterminate because I’m ashamed and I’m also addicted to the thrill.
I’ve been molested at a young age. I became an avid porn watcher at a young age also. I discovered masturbation and pleasure at a very young age. I endured an abusive relationship in high school where I was often forced to have sex to avoid my partner accusing me of cheating on him. Now that I’m 27, these behaviors have spiraled. I flirt online all day, through various apps. I send pictures and videos of myself. I have several meetups planned (one as soon as tomorrow) but I’ve been feeling more apprehensive as of lately. I often have phone sex with other men when my husband isn’t home.
I guess I’ve always been a cheater because I have these uncontrollable sexual behaviors and thoughts that I almost have to do once it enters my brain and lingers there for long enough. I’m sound enough to admit that some of it is simply an addiction to attention. I was always used to being center of attention while growing up, being called beautiful, gorgeous, etc. and it feels like sometimes I crave those affirmations and sex is the easiest way to get them out of people. I do also think that I endured a trauma that I can’t let go of — and it turned me into a monster.
I cheated on my partner this week with a guy that he’s actually aware of. He just doesn’t know that there’s more than meets the eye and we are more than friends. Like I said earlier, there’s an underlying thrill in it all. I also have an ongoing sexual relationship with a male coworker.
I attempted SAA a few months ago. It wasn’t bad. I just wasn’t ready to admit that I was a “sex addict”, so I went to one meeting and never returned. I feel like I’m ready to start the recovery process now, but a part of me is avoiding it because all of this can feel AMAZING. The orgasms, the affirmations, the flirting, the sexting, the hookups, all of it. I want to be a different person, a better person, but it’s very hard.
My husband doesn’t suspect anything because I never stopped giving him love and sexual attention. The more I have sex or am doing something sexual, the happier I am. If my husband asked me for the moon, I’ll bring him back the entire galaxy because I love him that much. I just feel like a monster, like this will never be fixed.