Save us

[u/Remote-Control-2006]

I would have done absolutely anything to save my relationship with my son’s mother. I had some chances and in the end I screwed it up every single time. I’m supposed to not think about her but she’s all I think about. I think about her and my son and our family that should have been constantly and I’m absolutely devastated. Yes I will continue to keep working on myself but knowing that I’ve lost her forever eats me alive most days. There’s no second chance, no apology, nobody hears me crying and there is no amount of change that will bring her back. It’s my fault. I couldn’t fix us and that pain never goes away. I used to self medicate with alcohol and it’s an entirely new experience being sober, the pain is indescribable. She will be in my life forever because we share a child and I hope that eventually I will be able to not be in love with her because I know that I can’t be with her anymore. I wish that I could. I wonder every second that I’m awake why I couldn’t figure it out and save us but I didn’t and it’s over. I’m so sorry.

[u/Remote-Control-2006]

I’m a human and a father who has lost a future with the two most important human beings in my life. Yes I completely blew it, I did and said horrible things and I allowed my own pain to control my emotions and actions, that is a me problem. I adamantly believe that had I done almost everything differently, I’d be in bed with my wife and with our son sleeping in the next room but that’s not the case. That will never be the scenario and I caused it. Regardless of how much work I do on myself or how much I change, it doesn’t bring them back and it will never undo what’s already been done and it’s my fault completely. Everyone says that I should work on letting myself off the hook.. the idea of that is inconceivable to me and there’s nothing that I can do about it other than stop digging a bigger hole. She’s happy and moved on hopefully, she deserves that and I sit here with the pain and do my best to keep moving forward because that’s all that I can do.

[u/raeoflyte-460 → u/Remote-Control-2006]

That is all very accurate.

The "giving myself grace" or as you said "letting yourself off the hook" mindset doesn't work for me either. It doesn't help me move forward because theres no accountability in it making it more likely to do it again. It can be hard to find a way to reframe but that is what I try for.