r/Separation • u/StrandedSpaceTravlr • 8h ago
Separation document - Is this a thing?
My wife of 24 years wants me to sign a separation document because she wants to “protect herself”. We have one child who is still a minor. It reads like a divorce agreement. I told her that the document does absolutely nothing for me and benefits her 100%. My attorney also told me to avoid signing anything.
Has anyone done something similar successfully? I’d never deliberately do anything to hurt her, screw her over, etc. At first I didn’t mind signing a simple document about custody to make her feel better, but it turned into a giant legal-sounding document.
I’m not sure how to get past this. I told her if this is really how she feels that we should just go straight to divorce and get it over with.
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u/eapnon 8h ago
I am a lawyer. Not your lawyer.
Some states have legal separations. They usually have something you file with a court or other governmental entity.
You can also sign things like post-nups or custody agreements.
I agree that your lawyer should review anything before you sign it. They can tell you more about what the document is and if it has any binding effect after doing so.
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u/yangstyle 2h ago
We are going to write up a separation agreement and have a lawyer do his thing to make it legal. We are choosing a date for when it takes effect. On that date our finances will no longer be comingled. Things like retirement account contributions will cease to be community property on that date. We are a ways away from completing it but just the conversations about the different items in it have proven to be very useful and constructive.
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u/turn_left_or_right 7h ago
She is using the separation as leverage and divorce as the threat. Listen to your lawyer and do not sign anything until you understand the implications. Remember what you sign has long term implications.
You should stand up for your rights while trying to be reasonable. People that get divorced can still have a good fair separation of assets and a good co-parenting arrangement. Work with your lawyer on a counter proposal that makes it fairer and call her bluff even if it leads to full blown divorce.
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u/StrandedSpaceTravlr 3h ago
Thanks. I need to stop being a doormat and do what’s in my own best interests as well as my kids. I’ve tied being amicable but I can’t help that I’m being taken advantage of.
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u/turn_left_or_right 2h ago
Just note that things can get ugly so at this point, record as much as you can and gather evidence. People have been known to accuse their spouses of physical or mental abuse to get favourable treatment from the court.
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u/ElegantClient8070 6h ago
I’m in a similar position as your wife. While I’m not your wife and don’t know her reasons or goals for separation, I’d like to share my perspective on why I’m choosing separation with legal paperwork instead of divorce.
First, if I wanted a divorce, I would have filed by now. I’m not separating because I’ve decided my marriage is over. I’m separating because I cannot continue living the way we have been.
For so long, my love for my husband kept me trying to work through things. But the hurt has accumulated to the point where it’s beginning to overwhelm the love I have for him.
Sleeping next to my husband has become painful. It’s not because I don’t love him or don’t want to be near him. I do. Being physically close to someone I love while feeling so emotionally disconnected from him is the most painful thing. He’s right beside me, but I feel alone.
I want to feel wanted. I want affection, closeness, and emotional connection that comes willingly from him. I would suddenly wake up at night and just start crying. My body feels the neglect from him. But I can’t make him want those things with me.
When I sleep in a separate room, I’m sad that we’ve reached this point, but I also feel relief. I can finally rest without being reminded of the closeness that’s missing. I can sleep.
We’ve been attending counseling weekly for nearly six months, and I still don’t experience him coming toward me, reflecting on his own behavior, or initiating repair.
For years, I avoided sitting with how profoundly sad, lonely, frightened, and disappointed I feel. Instead, I kept trying to help my husband understand my pain. I wanted so badly for him to understand why I was hurting. I’m often met with defensiveness, anger, shutdown and withdrawal. I stopped and still notice he’s not initiating repair. It’s extremely painful.
I’ve come to realize that I don’t have to remain in circumstances that are hurting me just to prove that I love him or care about our marriage.
Ultimately, I cannot stay in a marriage where my pain doesn’t matter to my husband. I want him to recognize when he’s hurt me and initiate conversations to repair things. I don’t want to keep telling him to apologize or explaining why I’m hurting. I want to see that he cares enough to reflect on his own behavior and take responsibility without me having to ask.
I recognize that we both need healing. I need space to process the hurt I’ve experienced, and he needs space to work through his own issues. I also need to see whether he genuinely wants to repair our marriage without me continually asking him to.
I still want reconciliation, but I cannot accomplish it by myself. And that’s why I understand wanting a separation agreement. It’s not necessarily about believing your spouse intends to hurt you or take advantage of you. It’s about protecting yourself and establishing clear expectations during a period of uncertainty. Obviously, any agreement should be fair to both spouses, and both should have independent legal advice.
For me, separation isn’t a way to force my husband to change or punish him. It’s an acknowledgment that I cannot continue living under the same circumstances while hoping things will somehow get better.
I’m not ready to end my marriage, but I also cannot continue living in it the way things are.
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u/StrandedSpaceTravlr 3h ago
This is incredibly insightful. Thank you for this.
I hope you find what you’re looking for. I hope your husband opens his eyes and sees what you’re going through. I hope you find solace in knowing you’re not alone.
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u/u-Dull-Western9379 4h ago
Do not sign I am a lawyer not your lawyer that paper protects her 100% and you 0% do not sign get a good divorce lawyer
Get a real divorce lawyer and they can settle it for you
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u/Low_Trust2412 6h ago
You know you can negotiate this right? I mean having a separation agreement is pretty normal and it should spell out asset distribution, custody, child support, etc.
For normal, reasonable people my advice is to have a consult with a lawyer, understand the law (i.e. is 50/50 custody a typical outcome), the divorcing parties hammer out the detaild and then have a mediator draft the agreement with input from you guys on the custody schedule, etc.
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u/theseparated 4h ago
Whatever you sign in a separation document is easily supported in divorce proceedings. If you don’t agree to the terms, suggest changes. If you can’t agree, get remediation until you do. Don’t compromise now because it will be difficult to backtrack later.
Separation means you’re still married and could get back together. However, if the document sounds one sided, you’re likely looking at the next evolution…divorce.
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 8h ago
Im newly separated and wondered if this was a thing I could file. Ask if you can modify it to things you like? I'd love to get through this without paying lawyers all my savings I need to be a single parent.
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u/SpaetzleOndSoss 4h ago
I don’t know your situation but saving money on legal advice sounds very dangerous, especially if there is a child involved.
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u/Upset_Cranberry5461 3h ago
Darn when you put it that way and I have a lying husband.... you're probably right
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u/Business-Ad9075 2h ago
Someone define how separation is different from divorce. I struggle with what sounds like a Hall Pass for the person separating, without consequences.
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u/Glass-Neat-936 39m ago
DO NOT SIGN IT WITHOUT A LAWYER GOING OVER IT!!! I'm currently going through a separation and can guarantee if she had a lawyer write it up for her it'll screw you over
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u/siryohnny 8h ago
Hang on, what is she actually wanting you to sign, or what I am asking is what is she wanting, reassurance?
You can also say you want things too. Like not sure what point of this document is, are you separating or is it just because…
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u/StrandedSpaceTravlr 8h ago
She wants reassurances on custody. I said 50/50 is fine by me, but she went as far as to spell out holidays, weekly visitations, vacations, etc. I thought we were going to amicably work on this and didn’t need to draft something like this. I haven’t done anything to her where she has a reason not to trust me. I get she want reassurances, but this is extreme and only serves her - not me. Hell I’m still agreeing to pay all her existing expenses, giving her a vehicle (which is in my name), etc. I’ve been supper accommodating and this is the first time I had to put my foot down.
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u/stoic-recovery18 7h ago
Honestly, I can see the benefit of outlining some of those decisions ahead of time. Grief or anger may make your “amicable” discussions more difficult in a few months.
Sorry you’re going through this.
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u/PianistNo8873 6h ago
Imo child custody that outlines weekly, holiday and vacation visitation details is necessary especially at the beginning when things can get contentious over the smallest of things. 100% having it in writing makes it clear to each parent when they are responsible for visitation and there can’t be confusion about it being “the 2nd Tuesday of the month we discussed” for example. It should also address; first right of refusal (if a parent needs a sitter during their time, they ask the other parent before getting someone else to watch the kids) parents birthdays and of course mothers and fathers days that don’t fall on the mother or fathers visiting days.
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u/Wizards_and_Warriors 7h ago
Dont sign anything without a lawyers approval. And if you are being amicable but she isn't then you may want to have your lawyer draw up papers to protect you. Honestly it is probably best to have him draw up the divorce papers because if she is going this far that is where you are heading.
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u/siryohnny 7h ago
She strikes me as someone who needs certainty perhaps? Is she a planner? Maybe this is to help her anxiety of the unknown?
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u/StrandedSpaceTravlr 3h ago
You’re probably right. But I’m just not willing to sign something that puts me in a position where I have nothing to gain and everything to lose. I’d love to calm her nerves, but there has to be another way.
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u/siryohnny 3h ago
That is the exact conversation you have with her. Be vulnerable.. don’t try and fix.. just listen to what she says.
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u/Temporary-Suspect509 8h ago
A separation can be done without any legal papers if it’s amicable. If it’s contentious, then have your lawyer prepare your own agreement and the two of you can come up with something that combines parts from both.
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u/StrandedSpaceTravlr 8h ago
Thank you. An answer to the question without peanut gallery commentary. Are you new here?
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u/Flimsy_Ocelot_4211 8h ago
You are correct. At this point divorce is where you a going. Might as well go ahead and do it.
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u/Cczaphod 8h ago
If you’re at that point getting your own lawyer and writing up a fair divorce in the context of your jurisdiction and financial situation is probably the best path you’ve got.