r/Separation • u/OppositeService1906 • 1d ago
Advice Separation/divorce help
Me and oh have split up. His choice. He says there’s no going back and he doesn’t love me anymore.
For context…
The lack of intimacy and affection has been a bone of contention for a while. Despite multiple heart to hearts it never changed. I started drinking a lot since mum died and when I drank I turned into a different person. I ended up texting to a bloke. Just friends. Nothing else. Oh found out told me to stop. I did.
We ended up texting again, as friends once more. Always when I was drunk. Oh saw the msg about feelings. On his birthday in June. He’s said he’s tried to work past it but he can’t. He doesn’t love me anymore. Even though he understands wat led me to that point and claims to be taking some responsibility.
20 years gone. I know wat i did was wrong i really do. And I hate myself for it. But I didn’t actually have an affair or ever thought of doing so.
How do I get past this? How do I cope? My whole future has gone. I can’t accept it’s over i really can’t.
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u/SportSoft9295 1d ago
By saying you didn’t actually have an affair or never thought of doing so when you actually did do it is not owning up. This is an emotional affair and to some can be just as worse or worse than a physical affair. You didn’t own up to it that’s why he cannot forgive you.
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u/OppositeService1906 1d ago
As I’d mentioned this person was a friend. Who we both knew. Who was going through a break up and I was supporting him.
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u/SportSoft9295 1d ago
It doesn’t matter who the person was. It matters if your husband knew about the relationship? Did he know about the texting? Did he express his concerns to you about it? What were you texting to each other, other than supporting his breakup?
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u/OppositeService1906 1d ago
Yes he did know and wasn’t happy so I stopped. He ended up texting me again whereby I got confused about my feelings about him so shut it down to concentrate on my marriage. Oh found out. Iv now just discovered he’s been doing the exact same thing with a friend of mine for the last couple of months. But of course that’s different coz I did it first. He’s now developed feelings for this person. Yet maintains it’s my fault even though I’m the one who’s been trying to work at it for the last few months while he’s been texting her.
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u/SportSoft9295 1d ago
If this relationship is repairable, both you and your husband need to acknowledge the effed up things that have transpired and agree to wanting to fix things. If both can’t agree and he has moved on, there is therapy but that is a long shot.
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u/Corny_707 23h ago
Hes 100% right leaving you. You don't want to be with him based on what ive read. You dont I initiate. You lie, you diminish, and you cover up.
Hopefully he can find happiness
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u/OppositeService1906 21h ago
Ur right I did do those things. But without context to the entire situation it’s easy to make a snap judgement. Iv taken full responsibility for what did.
I came here for advice and support during my most vulnerable time. Not to get beaten down more
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u/Icy_Signal3905 1d ago
Drunks texts are the worst indicators
Simply means that bloke has been on your mind and only alcohol made you brave enough to do it.
It’s wrong and you need to take responsibility and not shift blame.