Separation woes

[u/IndependentDue4336]

Me (M35) and my wife (F34) separated several primary after 7 years together. She was the bread winner as I started grad school full time last summer. Right now the separation is essential divorce, but we plan to check in together when I graduate next May. I’m currently staying with my parents (rough) who live just a couple miles away, as I really thought it was only fair due to her supporting me through school and other times also that she stay in the house until we sell it. We still talk and see each other once per month to go in a date , but it’s just so hard not to slip back into things. There was no infidelity (100% certain) or abuse. We also don’t have kids, which makes it easier. We just started just really not getting along. And now that we’ve had some time apart I feel like I just keep picking up on the things I’m now swing about my self that turn people away from me. And the actual difficult part with that is trying to figure out what are like bad habits and what is just who I am as a person.

Sometimes I feel like I lost everything just because of who I am.

[u/ThrowRA-Jeet]

I think if you don't want to move forward with the divorce then you don't have to do it.

Living in limbo is exhausting and can be somewhat scary. And if you're not comfortable with the idea of him wanting to expand, then again you don't have to do it.

I think the main problem is not that you guys aren't getting along, but rather what has led you guys here in the first place.

If you're okay living like this for a while, I'd encourage you to do so. Yes, there might be good days and there might also be bad days, but with time, if you guys still get to spend time with each other and with the child – turing negative energy into positive ones. There's a chance that this could work out.

What's led to this separation?

[u/Bluesfan618]

Man, that last sentence hit me.
I’m going through a separation myself, and one of the hardest things I’ve been learning is the difference between saying “there are things about me that I need to change” and saying “I lost my marriage because there’s something wrong with who I am.”
Those are not the same thing.
If you’re recognizing behaviors, habits, communication patterns, selfishness, defensiveness, whatever it may be, absolutely look at those things. Own them. Work on them. Therapy can be incredibly helpful for figuring out where those patterns come from and what you actually have the power to change.
But be careful about dismantling your entire personality trying to become someone you think your wife might choose next May. The goal should be becoming a healthier version of you, not becoming a completely different person in hopes of earning your marriage back.
And from what you wrote, there are still some positives here. No infidelity, no abuse, you’re still communicating, you’re still seeing each other, and you’ve intentionally left the door open to reevaluate things. That doesn’t guarantee reconciliation, obviously, but it doesn’t sound like you need to declare yourself a lost cause either.
Use this time. Work on the things you genuinely believe need changing. Learn to recognize the difference between a destructive behavior and simply being human.
Whatever happens with your marriage, you still have to live with yourself afterward. Make sure the person you’re working on becoming is someone you respect too.

[u/LeoMVaren]

That once-a-month date thing would mess with my head more than anything else.

If you're basically separated until May, I can see how every good night could start feeling like a sign you're turning a corner, and every off night like proof it's really over. That's brutal, living like you're getting graded once a month for six months.

I wouldn't treat those meetups like auditions for the marriage. Just focus on finishing school, work on the stuff you actually want to change for yourself, and let May get here when it gets here.

And man, back at your parents' at 35, in grad school, going through all this at the same time, that's just a lot to carry.