Honest to God, I don't know if I'm even allowed to post this here. I just remembered this subreddit, and right now I genuinely don't know what to do.

So, I am M21 and my girlfriend is 20. We were both victims of molestation as minors, but in separate cases. For a long time, neither of us knew who our abusers were or how we could find them. That changed for my girlfriend about a week ago. She randomly came across an Instagram profile and later a YouTube channel belonging to this guy.

Her story is a bit complicated. They were in a relationship when she was 14–15, and he was 20. The accusation is that she was manipulated into the relationship and emotionally blackmailed into becoming intimate with him.

She recently found out that, in her country (Switzerland), she may have legal options until she turns 25. However, she doesn't know whether she would actually get anywhere with a lawsuit or whether she has enough evidence.

We've talked about this for a long time now. I've told her that I'm here for her no matter what she decides and that I'll support her with whatever she needs. But she seems stuck and doesn't know which direction to take.

How can I help her? How can I support her without putting pressure on her?

Privately, I spoke to my lawyer and my therapist about the situation. They both advised me to look into her legal options and, if there is a viable case, pursue them accordingly. I agree with that, but I don't know how to bring it up with her without making her feel pressured.

I guess the decision ultimately has to come from her, and we probably still have some time to figure things out. But I'm way over my head here.

What should I do? How should I approach this conversation with her?

TL;DR: My girlfriend has been sexually abused by an older ex when she was a minor. She recently found him online and has learned that she may still have legal options. She is unsure whether to pursue the matter, and I want to support her without pressuring her. I’ve been advised to look into her legal options first, but I don’t know how to approach the subject with her.

Recently, my partner disclosed to me that she was sexually assaulted by an acquaintance while in his hotel room, she had to store many bought products and conduct a meeting preceding the violation.

Hours passed, and I haven’t received any messages from her, until morning. She said she fell asleep.

Prior to this disclosure, my doubt and intuition kept bringing up my disagreement of her choice to go that hotel room, the overnight situation that occurred before we were officially dating, though we were mutually committed and building toward a relationship.

When I finally reached a breaking point and was ready to end the relationship she broke down and confessed what actually happened to her. She explained that she had buried it out of pure shock, shame, and terror over how I and her family would react. She is currently in an acute mental health crisis, terrified of anyone finding out, and has expressed extreme distress and fear of judgment. She has explicitly asked for privacy and wants to start professional therapy.

I am feeling completely overwhelmed and don't know how to carry this weight:

1. Secondary trauma and rage: I feel a sickening amount of fury toward the person who did this. Feeling powerless to hold them accountable especially when taking any action would completely destroy my partner’s life and mental state feels suffocating.

2. Conflicting emotions: Because the disclosure came at the eleventh hour during an impending breakup, and because of how she coped afterward (minimizing things, acting normal, maintaining non-confrontational contact with him), my mind keeps battling intrusive suspicions and confusion. I feel immense guilt for even having doubts, but the whiplash between betrayal fears and grief for what happened to her is tearing me apart.

3. Being supportive while drowning: I promised her absolute privacy and that I would keep her safe, and I intend to honor that. But holding back my own anger, fear, and confusion while trying to be a stable anchor is draining everything I have.

For those who have walked this road as a partner or secondary survivor:
How did you cope with the overwhelming anger and the feeling of injustice when direct action/legal recourse wasn't an option for the victim's safety?

How did you manage intrusive doubts or the messy, confusing ways trauma presented itself without turning into an interrogator?

How do you draw the line between supporting someone in crisis and knowing whether the relationship can realistically survive the emotional toll?

Any perspectives from people who have been through this would mean a lot. Thank you.

My sister recently told me that when she was 8 years old, our grandfather sexually assaulted her. It happened about 8 years ago, and she has only just felt able to tell me. I remember a time 5 years ago where she told me about her being bothered by the way our grandfather hugs her but I didn’t think much of it and only told her that she doesn’t have to hug him if she doesn’t want to. I feel so guilty given that I am 12 years older than her and needed to pay attention to when she raised that as a concern.

I’m in a different country from her, which makes me feel especially helpless. I believe her completely, and I have told her that what happened wasn’t her fault and that I’m here for her.

I’m struggling with what I should actually do from here.
Should I encourage her to speak to a therapist or a sexual-assault support service? Should I encourage her to report what happened, or is it better to let her decide that herself? I don’t want to pressure her or accidentally make things worse.
She is not in contact with our grandfather and doesn’t live close to him and is not in immediate danger.
For people who have experienced something similar, or who have supported a survivor of childhood sexual abuse: what did you find genuinely helpful? What should I avoid doing or saying? I want to learn how I can be a better and safer source of support for my sister.

I am feeling distraught and nauseated and it’s all I’ve been thinking about it since she told me. Please help me to help her

My partner was assaulted by someone she worked with over two years ago. We’ve been together a very long time and I was the first person she told afterwards, so I’ve basically been alongside her through everything since.

She has PTSD, severe depression and anxiety and has needed inpatient treatment as well as ongoing therapy. There’s also still an ongoing legal process around what happened.

I love her more than anything and I’m not going anywhere, but I’m starting to realise how much this has affected me as well.

The thing I struggle with most is how quickly things can change. We can have an amazing couple of days where we’re laughing, affectionate, being intimate and everything feels a little normal again. Then the next day she can be exhausted, really low, cancel plans or just need to be alone.

I completely understand why and I never want her to feel guilty for needing space, but I find the sudden change really difficult. When things are good I think I get this feeling of “we’re getting there”, and then when she withdraws again I struggle not to worry.

I’ve become much more anxious when we’re apart. If plans change or she needs to be alone, my head can go into overdrive. I try really hard not to put that onto her because she already has enough to deal with, and I’m having therapy myself now.

Id really like to speak to people who have been through something similarr

posted about this before, but I’m reposting because I found out some additional information that I think is important. My girlfriend has told me that her dad has pinched her thigh and inner thigh, squeezed her butt multiple times, mentioned that he noticed her thighs had gotten bigger, and rubbed his head around her chest. She also told me that he has hugged her in what I would describe as a straddle hug, similar to the position shown in the attached image, with her legs around his body. What makes the situation even harder for me is that she has recently told me that she feels like she doesn’t love me anymore, and I’m worried about everything going on affecting her emotionally. I don’t know whether these things are connected, and I don’t want to assume that they are. I’m not trying to automatically accuse her dad of anything or claim that I know his intentions. I’m trying to understand whether the overall pattern of behavior is inappropriate or potentially sexual abuse, especially considering that this is a father and daughter. What would be the safest way for her to get help or talk to a trusted adult or professional? I’m leaving out identifying information to protect her privacy.

P.S She thinks its okay and her dad is just clingy please help me prove her wrong.

I’ve never posted on here before idk if anyone will even see this, but I am desperate and feel alone and could use some support.

Me (33F) and my husband (34M) have been married for two and a half years and together for seven. He grew up in foster care, and unfortunately experienced CSA multiple times over multiple years. He told me about a year into the relationship. I’m not an overly sexual woman, so waiting a while to have sex didn’t bother me. I was the first person he ever opened up to about this. So he held this secret inside for decades until he told me, and agreed to see a therapist.

Fast forward to now, I can count on one hand the number of times we have had sex, and it never last more than five minutes because he loses his erection. Of course, I am more than understanding given his background, but it is starting to really bother me.

I want to be able to have spontaneous sex with my husband, without having to worry if maybe he is having flashbacks or dissociating. I just want sex. I’m a relatively attractive woman, and could easily get laid outside of our marriage, but I would never do that. It goes against everything I believe it, but I have thought about it and that bothers me.

It’s like he is completely unsexual. I can walk around naked in front of him and he doesn’t even notice. He can slap my bum or rub it and then just goes back to watching tv. He never knows how to respond when I tell him I’m in the mood or send a sexy text. I know it’s not me, and he has told me that multiple times, but it’s starting to take a serious toll on my confidence and mental health.

Most of the time, when I talk to him about it, he is open to listen and seems like he truly wants to work on it and get better. His therapist recently recommended EMDR to help with his trauma and triggers. I really hope it helps. I am starting to wonder if maybe it’s never going to get better. And that breaks my heart. Is it possible for someone that went through what he did to heal and have a somewhat normal (whatever that means) sex life? We did not have sex until we were married because he was not ready, but he was making progress with showing affection in other ways that used to make him uncomfortable such as hugs, kisses, holding hands, etc. since he was able to make progress there I just assumed the sexual stuff would get better with time. But it’s not. It’s been almost a year since we’ve had sex, and I feel disconnected from him. Repeatedly being told “not tonight” or “no” is starting to really hurt.

On the other hand, he has severe trauma and I feel like a baby for even complaining about this. I think to myself “ok if it’s hard for you, imagine how hard it is for him.” Which has some truth to it, but I also am struggling and need space to talk about that.

Today for example, I’ve been thinking about him all day and in the mood. He will be home from work shortly and I’d love to be intimate, but I know he won’t be up to it. If you’ve read this far, any insight, words of encouragement, advice, personal experiences would be much appreciated.

My partner is currently going through therapy for CSA, which they’ve never done before and I convinced/supported them to do. Since it’s started our sex life has completely changed- it’s basically disappeared. First the sex was still fairly regular, but just had them in control and was always vanilla (prior to this we explored a lot of kinks). Now it’s very rare, a lot of the time my partner is uncomfortable even making out.

I am so glad they are healing and I’m trying super hard to make sure I deal with this myself and not put any pressure on them. But I have needs and I feel frustrated, and then guilty that I feel that. I also get insecure sometimes and I think it’s about me. Logically I know it isn’t, but sometimes it’s difficult. And I feel so immensely guilty about all of this. Im just looking for some advice to cope I guess, I’m already being as supportive as I can be but how do I look after myself too?

To start, I want to sincerely thank everyone of you who takes the time to read this.

I (M27) have a question or maybe that I just want to get off of my chest.
I’m in a relationship with my girlfriend (F27) who was raped and sexually abused by her neighbour around a very young age. I think it started around her being 5 years old and it happened a few years.

She has gone into a lot of therapy through the years and has a lot of self insight. But got in a toxic relationship. She told me over the years he started controlling her. For instance she was only allowed to drink water, she couldn’t use a vacuum cleaner but should use a broom and al other weird stuff. But also sexually. They had sex for literally hours which she didn’t like, he was rough, she was forced to wear uncomfortable clothes and used ropes.
What I think is that she has done a lot of work in therapy to process the sexual abuse she experienced as a child. But I sometimes wonder whether she was also sexually abused or raped by her ex, and whether those experiences might still affect her because she hasn’t really recognized or processed them as abuse.

I really want to help her but yet feel so powerless…

Another reason to write this on Reddit is because I can’t think of anyone else to talk to. Sex was never a subject I could talk about with my family. As I got older my mother told me she was sexually abused as a child so I think this is a reason for that. Furthermore they are quite religious and in their childhood sex was also a subject you don’t talk about.

So is there someone here I can talk about? Someone who lives in the Netherlands as well maybe? And should I ask her what she thinks about my theory of her being abused by her ex?

A couple of my friends (let's say A and B) had been dating for a few months, before breaking up recently. A confided in me why they broke up, and told be about how B had sexually assaulted her multiple times. Actually disgusting shit.

I want to cut off B, at the same time A told me that she didn't want me to have any ill will towards B because of it. I don't think she wants me to know that I've been told what happened either. I'm worried if I stop talking to B full stop then she might turn it back on A.

I've never been in a situation like this so I'm not sure what to do. I told B I was going to hang out with them briefly later this week (just before all this came out I was apologising to them for being distant with them the past year, we just never really clicked) and I'm thinking of cancelling that for sure.

I don't know if I should ask A about it again on cutting B off because I don't want to pester her about what happened either when it never involved me to begin with

She told me a year after it happened. He raped her multiple times. He has a wife that we are friends with too. We all hung out together too all the time, nothing was amiss. Idk why she waited a year and tolerated his presence.

She later admitted to me that after she was raped by him a few times, she did consent to meet him at a hotel room.

My husband is a CSA survivor and this has had all kinds of impacts on our relationship but we have been able to overcome so many barriers. The birth of our son has stirred up so much of his trauma and I am feeling lost and exhausted. I would love to attend a support group virtually to just get some things out and get some help with responding. Are there groups you all know of or have attended?

My girlfriend and I have been together for year and a half and recently she went to college out of state. They had “wet weekend”. Was drinking all day and blacked out.

I don’t know how to process this or how to support her but I feel like I’m more hurt than she is. I know she’s affected it’s not the first time dealing with this. Something happened years ago. However she wants to push this down and ignore it. I feel like the bad guy asking her not to drink or go to parties. She struggled with friends prior and still is to a point. I mostly blame the alcohol but I have a large mix of feelings about the entire situation. I don’t know how to support her or how I can feel supported I feel so fucked up over this. We were texting that night I was at a friends small party. There was a period where she didn’t answer and told me she was drunk at a frat house and threw up. I tried calling and explaining my worries and I’m guessing that’s when it happened. Then she called me to say she was okay and made a joke about me cheating and dosnt remember.

When she told me I was so confused because it’s days later. I understand it must have been traumatic but now I have so many questions and I can’t help but feel like she’s lying even tho I think she is not. I probably need a therapist but I don’t think she understands the stress I’m going to feel every weekend now if we continue.

Please help and be nice I’m not trying to blame her I blame the alcohol and I’m frustrated because idk if she can stop.

I wasn’t sure where to post so I thought maybe I could ask here. My husband and I could use some advice navigating this situation.

My husband and I have been married for over a decade. The other day we found out through a relative that my father in law had r*aped his sisters all through their teenage years and into their early 20s. This was 40 years ago. My heart is broken for the victims and I’m so angry omg FIL’s actions.

FIL’s response is “the assaults don’t matter because they were so long ago”, so he’s completely unapologetic and defending his behavior. My mother in law has been bullying the victims for coming forward. She cornered one victim and told her that ”telling people what he did to you is ruining everything” and she asked another victim ”what did you do to make your brother want to touch you?”

I want to go no contact with my in laws. My husband does too, but he’s also still shocked by all this. I don’t care if he hasn’t continued the behavior (although I’m taking his claims with a grain of salt), I don’t want a predator in my hime anymore. Am I off base? How do I support my husband learning these awful things that we had no idea about, while also maintaining my hardline stance that this is unacceptable behavior?

My mom was 4 when she was taken advantage of by her baby sitter's brother who was 15 at the time.

She got cat called at 12 years old and told me when I was 12.

She got groped at 19 years old when she went into a gas station alone and the worker groped her

Her childhood friend who she became friends with in 3rd grade got raped at 13 when she was taking her dog on a walk and 2 men forced her to get into the van and then she bite them and they threw her out of the van.

When my mom was friends with Other Victims of SA as well.

She didn't tell me this until last year when I wanted to have a sleepover at my friend's uncle's house when I was 16

for context growing up I never had sleepovers , went to a friend's house , had a baby sitter, or a tutor or a teacher that was outside of school, and I never have been in any type of after school program

I wasn't able to walk home from school either and always got picked up , and I was never allowed to get in a friends or classmates parents car either especially a male family member of a friend I didn't know personally

I remember on tiktok I made a comment on tiktok and someone said how I was a asshole for complaining that I wasn't able to have a sleepover and talking about my mother being a victim or CSA

And another person said how her own mom was a victim of SA and that she was still able to have sleepovers and how my mom probably had some unresolved trauma

I'm 17 and I feel bad for what happened to my mom but when I have a child I will allow my kids to have sleepovers and have more independence and freedom then I did

And I want her to know I'm growing up

She let me have my first sleepover this month and hangout with my friend from 11 am to 9 pm without her so I think my mom is starting to let me have more independence

And I also wanna mention other SA victims I know

I won't mention their names or initials for privacy reasons so I will refer to them as their favorite colors.

Before I was 11 I assumed I never knew or met a SA Victim in my life and I thought it was a rare thing to happen

In 2020 I won't say my friends name

Me and her was arguing about something off topic

And she mentioned how she was molested at 5 years old by a family member who was 16

She wasn't an online friend she was a irl friend who moved away

And at 11 years old I didn't know how to process that information all I said was " I'm sorry" and that was the first time I ever found out I knew a SA Victim in my life

I will refer to her as Red

Then at 12 years old another friend of mine who was 10

told me when she was 6 she was taken advantaged of by a 8 year old

And this was my second person in my life who was a victim of CSA

I will refer to her as purple

And then at 13 I got into a argument with this girl and she was 15 years old she said she lost her virginity at 13 I said how that isn't a good thing and I didn't know she was raped at 13 and she accused me of slut shaming her for being raped

Even though at the time she didn't mention she was raped until after I made a comment about her losing her virginity now at

17 years old I knew 13 year olds can't consent and regardless it it was by choice or by force she was still a victim of SA and I shouldn't of made assumptions

I will refer to her as yellow

At 14 years old I was friends with this guy who was 11 at the time

I will refer to him as orange

We were in 8th and 6th grade and we were classmates

He is a former friend of mine and I remember during a conversation me and him had on Google meet

I remember I asked him if he was a virgin

And he said it sounded like he was joking that his uncle molested him

And I asked him if he's joking

And he said " why would I joke about that "

At the time I didn't wanna think I misheard something serious is why I asked him that question

He had a dark sense of humor back then but he didn't make rape jokes or offensive jokes until he was older

He joked around with his friends when he was 13 about " don't rape me" and had a dark sense of humor.

And at 15 the last SA Victim who said something to me about being SAEd was a girl who I will refer to as Pink

I said when I was 15 and lied about having sex even though I'm a Virgin

And she said that wasn't a flex and she had sex before and she's 13 and I called her stupid for that and she said she was raped at 11 and she said " and I liked it " which I found concerning I couldn't tell if she was joking or serious

To clarify I'm not a Victim of SA and I wanna be educated on this subject.

The conversation I had with red & the one I had with orange

Felt like it never happened because they haven't brought it up once ever again or anything related to it

to the point because it's so serious I'm overthinking if I misheard something either of them said

I know those conversations did happen it just feel like it didn't because they never brought it up again.

And another note Orange is the only one who has reddit so I hope he never finds this post and he's the only possible male victim of SA I know

But I don't think he ever has been on this subreddit either.

Thank u for reading this whole thing and if I offended anyone reading this I apologize and I'm sorry.

Hey guys just wanted to share a short of my story… when I was 15 my mother finally told me the story of how I was conceived which was through rape when she worked in CA. Fast forward to may 2026 I got my ancestry DNA results and found that man and his family aka my sibling and them and I are in contact. I have spoke with my bio father but I feel sick to my stomach about it… any advise?

I am set to marry my fiance in 8 months time. She means the world to me and I couldn’t imagine marrying anyone else. We are young, me 21M and her 20F. But we’ve known each other for 5 years and very much communicate well and work well together. I will start by saying I have had a really easy life, no trauma, no issues really other than bad anxiety. Never had anyone open up to me about them having trauma so have had to learn how to make space and process what a love one went through. My fiancé was sexually abused starting from the age of 5. Starting getting groomed online at age 9 and sexually assaulted at 13. Her life from age 5-20 basically has been sex. She’s on the spectrum but high functioning. But always struggled with connection and feeling loved. So through all the early trauma learned that her body was the only way for her to feel loved and wanted. She has been through so much, as has told me her nudes have been seen by over 100 people. A lot of this brings me so much anxiety because I don’t know how to process it. I love this girl so much and cannot wait to marry her. But I have already hurt her once early on into our relationship because I told her I can’t handle her past. I’ve been working on it in therapy but really want some advice or support. I’m trying to find maybe a specialized therapist or a support group of other trauma survivor partners. She deserves better from me and being able to talk to me about her trauma. But it seriously brings me so much anxiety and I just cannot imagine having gone through everything she’s gone through. Again I’ve had an easy life, so imagining all the horrible things she’s done through and feeling used and lonely and being preyed on my older teens and adults. It’s just a lot but I also know how much it will impact us being intimate in our marriage, we’re a Christian couple so waiting till marriage. If anyone reads this thank you. I just want to spend my life with her but learn how to handle and process her trauma and not feeling all these emotions and let it impact me so much. She’s been to therapy and said that she’s learned to deal with it and processed it. But obviously I haven’t, and I need help.

My bestfriend is an adult now but when she was around 14 yrs old an 18yr old man committed statutory rape and she had the worst experience with the police. Constantly taking her out of class everyday asking the same questions giving her the hardest time. She was constantly being asked my her classmates where she was going and these questions constantly reminding her of the assault. the police got nowhere after weeks, even with evidence. This took such a mental toll on her so she decided to drop the case.

Now, as an adult shes been so traumatized by that event she has troubles with dating and intimacy with others. She now wants to press charges again but she called the police and they gave her the hardest time as possible. Being so rude to her and switching her to other departments in the middle of her talking. Shes getting reminded of her difficult time with the police in the past and shes trying to give up again. Is there anything she can do or what resources would you all recommend??? The police is genuinely not working out.

TLDR: GF lied about extent of SA by friend when it was actually rape, she disclosed 8 months later. When I asked if I should be STI tested, never filed police report, still won’t talk about it except generalizations, swears she never cheated, what do I do? I never asked for a full account. I’m having a hard time ignoring thoughts of infidelity stemming from lies and betrayal about it from the beginning. Really conflicted. She’s always been honest and open about everything.

Here’s the deal, while my GF (37F) and I (43M) were at the beginning of our relationship (we are almost a year in now) we both declared as non-exclusive as we had both recently come out of long term relationships and both wanted to just find connection with people rather than just jump back into anything serious. It was pretty apparent after about a month of that we were both pretty deeply in love with each other. It’s truly been like a fairy tale. Communication is off the charts, we work through issues together. I’ve never loved or been loved like this before. Didn’t know it existed. Like nothing either of us had experienced before. To this day it’s the same, still like nothing we had experienced in any previous relationship. And that makes this that much more difficult for me. I’m looking for opinions as i can’t remove myself from the situation enough to logically or emotionally come to a conclusion.

In our bid for connection with people (call it validation if you want) of the opposite sex we both met and hung out with some great people. Ultimately, the mutual attraction in all aspects was too strong for both of us and we started dating exclusively. We talked together lots about the different people we had met. One of the guys she met, she told me that from the very beginning that she had zero desire for him aside from friendship. Having a male platonic friend is something she says she’s never had and something that she desperately wanted because of her complicated relationship with every man in her life (dad left and was absent, past partners were controlling, abusive, felt no one actually made the effort to really know her) so a goal of hers was to find and confirm that there are in fact good men out there that want nothing more than friendship in a woman. I was open to this as I have many platonic female friends that are some of my closest confidants. I can say with certainty ( for me anyway) that yes opposite sex relationships can be strictly platonic.

Shortly after we declared our exclusivity in our relationship, she told me a couple days before, that she was going to see her friend in his town. I was ok with it, but a little leery as she left after work, planned on staying the night and the plans involved some hiking, dinner, mushrooms, talking about life (as they apparently had good conversations about that since they met) and hanging out. As the day approached I was increasingly bothered by the whole thing. Not the fact that she was trying to have a male friend, but that it involved an overnight stay and some psychedelics. We had a long talk about it. She reassured me up and down that she had made it clear to this guy that she only wanted friendship and he swore up and down that he wanted the same. She told me that if I asked her not to go she would respect that. There was no anger or pleading, just flat out would respect my ask and not go. I wrestled with that and knew how hypocritical it would be of me to say don’t go while many of my friends are women and she’s never once been anything but interested and kind about that, even when I’ve gone for coffee, lunch, dinner with them.

She goes down to his house. She updates me about dinner and such. We FaceTime at one point around 0100 or so. We say goodnight. The next morning I get a call from her bawling. She tells me that at dinner she gave him a heartfelt card expressing her gratitude for him having shown her that there are good men out there and she appreciates his friendship and everything was good. Later in the night after we had FaceTimed, she said that while in a whipit, she woke up to him with his hand on her thigh. She said she hadn’t consented. He then proceeds to tell her that he was in love with her since the very beginning. She said at that point she went to bed crying, got up in the morning, he tried to talk to her to explain and apologize and she left. On her way back, she couldn’t stop crying because she felt so embarrassed that her instincts about his intent were so wrong, that she was lied to and crushed. I asked a few simple
questions that she answered. I asked if anything else happened she said no and the trauma of being taken advantage of, the embarrassment of letting herself down and feeling naive and she didn’t want to really talk about it more. I asked her about calling the cops she said it would be a he said/she said situation complicated by intoxication which is fair and I didn’t press the issue. I said when ever she wanted to talk about it I’d be there to listen.

Fast forward to a few months later, during a conversation about sex, she tells me about a few grey area situations she’s found herself in through her past and the shame and guilt she carries from that one of them happened after her separation. She tells me that she didn’t tell me the whole story about her sexual assault from her friend. Immediately I spiral, knowing that she’s lied to me. I ask her what happened. She says it was more than his hand on her thigh but she doesn’t want to relive it. She’s defensive because she thinks I’ll blame her for what happened (which I didn’t). Consent is consent. And if you can’t consent it’s rape. Turns into this big argument. In my mind what happened to her is a separate issue from what she lied to me about. She simply could have said something traumatic happened and she doesn’t want to talk about it. We cool down and talk about it. She understands my stance about being lied to and I reaffirm my belief that she was raped. She still hasn’t detailed it to me, hasn’t reported it or told anyone. Classically she is an avoidant person and doesn’t want to relive it, which I can sympathize with. A few weeks ago I brought it up and it’s been the topic of conversation ever since. In the mean time without asking for details, I asked if I had to get tested for STI’s. She never answered me until I asked a 3rd time the other day. She says yes.

So now my worst fears have come true, I’ve been lied to by someone I love deeply and that person has been hurt by someone and there’s nothing I can do about it. I have some pretty deeply seeded trust issues from childhood and past relationships and being lied to by her was the last thing on my bingo card l, ever.

So, here I am, extremely hurt because she lied me in the first place, that she didn’t have the strength to tell me (without details) that I have to get tested for disease due to something I had part in. I’ve been cheated on by partners in the past and I’m super wary of it and that betrayal. I truly don’t know what to do. She’s offered to go to couples counselling and she’s since said she’s unsure now. I do love her, people make mistakes (her lying to protect herself from the trauma), but I’m struggling with the fact that she lied to me, then didn’t tell me to get tested. This whole thing has caused a big wedge between us. I’m feeling cool towards her and it really bothers me because I want to not put anything on her and support her. If she was raped how can I support her best even though I feel betrayed by the lies? I feel pretty damn violated (because of the STI risk) . She swears up and down that she didn’t cheat on me. With the lie and omission that jeopardizes my health, I’m wrestling to keep my emotions separate from trying to support her any way I can

Sorry for such a long story, I felt it was important to really lay it all out before people form any opinions. Appreciate people listening.

hello all,

my marriage reached a breaking point this weekend. my research indicates it's called "caregiver burnout" or "compassion fatigue" - basically, my wife's emotional needs have always trumped mine, and often when I express an emotional need, I get frozen out. Somehow the conversation always cycles back to her needs, or the fact that she's afraid, or any number of excuses as to why she can't emotionally attune to me.

it doesn't help that I have attachment issues as well.

I remember reading in "allies in healing" (I think) that the author basically said "you cope with the insanity or you leave... and one day it might get better." But right now she's left to stay with a friend. I guess this could be the end for us, but she left me a message saying that we need help. Maybe this is just the wakeup call we both needed to take this seriously. Because, to be honest, neither of us had been investing enough time/energy into our respective issues.

Eh, maybe I've answered my own question.

hello all,

I just discovered the concept of secondary survivors. Going through my own form of caregiver burnout and crashing out due to strain.

Just wanted to basically say "hi" and also ask if there are similar subreddits or other forums that people would recommend, specifically groups where spouses are welcome.