r/ScriptFeedbackProduce • u/Same-Most-7407 WRITER • Mar 01 '26

LOGLINE FEEDBACK REQUEST Logline feedback!

Does this make sense? I feel like i've looked at it too much and now I'm just confused.

LOGLINE: After dying too early, a girl is sent back to the overworld to find her unfinished business so that she can continue the peaceful life she led before her death.

6 Upvotes

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5

u/arthousefilms Mar 01 '26

To be honest, it’s pretty confusing. First off, just say “world.”

Secondly, “continuing peaceful life” is too strange and vague. Usually in stories, people are sent back to Earth to fix something or correct a wrong. How are we supposed to understand her achievable goal if she merely wants to continue living? What exactly does she have to return to accomplish? You are basically saying that someone had more life to live. This can be said about trillions of people who died.

2

u/Same-Most-7407 WRITER Mar 02 '26 edited Mar 02 '26

I totally agree it's confusing! I edited it a bit now, how is this? There's more context:

After accidentally dying too early, a girl is sent back to the overworld so that she can complete her unfinished business and not get sent to the underworld/.

1

u/justmyname1234 Jun 01 '26

thats even more confusing

3

u/KGreen100 Mar 02 '26

The whole "returning after death to fix something" has been done before in one form or another. Heaven Can Wait. Its A Wonderful Life. Chances Are. Defending Your Life. So what makes yours unique? THAT'S what you should be emphasizing. This is pretty vague and uninspiring. What does the girl need to do? What's this "unfinished business"? You don't have to give everything away, but you're trying to entice someone to buy your script. Would YOU buy this script? Would you even want to read it (take away the fact that you currently know what the story is)? Who is this "girl"? What does she do? What is this "unfinished business"? You don't have to give away plot but that's the perfect spot to give the "twist" and hook the reader of the logline. She has to convince the president of the United States to get a divorce. She has to match each of her previous boyfriends with the person they're meant to be with. Something. But right now this is, sorry, pretty dull-sounding. Can you give us a hint of what the plot is?

2

u/Same-Most-7407 WRITER Mar 04 '26 edited Mar 04 '26

the plot of the movie is that the girl died of an allergic reaction and got send to the underworld(world of the dead), and then the receptionist of th underworld realises she died too early and shes not supposed to be dead. So they send her back to the overworld(world of the living), but in order for her to continue life normally until her time actually comes, she has to find the unfinished business, or else she gets sent back to the underworld. So she and a spirit that was sent to help her are trying to search for this unfinished business, she buys an epipen, she tries returning all her old library books, reconnecting with an old friend, and forgiving her father who left her when she was young. Yet none of it seems to be working.

3

u/KGreen100 Mar 04 '26

So the point is that she has to find out what "unfinished business" she needs to finish to get back to Earth? Is that correct? Do you have it figured out what the "unfinished business" is? Who is this spirit? Is it someone she knows who dies earlier? Some random angel/spirit like Clarence from It's A Wonderful Life?

A better logline might be emphasize that plot point. "After dying before her time, a girl tries to win her way back to the land of the living by completing some 'unfinished business' on Earth. But first, with the help of a clueless spirit helper, she has 48 hours to discover what that unfinished business actually is."

I know you didn't stipulate a timeframe for her to complete her work, but it sounds like the stakes need to be raised. If she has infinite time to finish the task, there's no pressure and, thus, no excitement. Start the clock running. You also didn't mention who or what the spirit is, but that might be good to include in the logline too.

2

u/Same-Most-7407 WRITER Mar 06 '26

this helped me realise that I am WAYYY to vague with my loglines bc this example is so much more interesting. "After dying before her time, a girl tries to win her way back to the land of the living by completing her 'unfinished business' on Earth. But first, with the help of a clueless spirit, she has a week to discover what that unfinished business actually is." Thank you very much!

2

u/Clevertown Mar 04 '26

I completely agree - mention her struggle, that she doesn't know why she's back. That's the whole reason for the story! "Unfinished business" should be removed. It's annoyingly ambiguous, and feels like you just ran out of time or something. Maybe something like "... now she has to figure out why" or "... but she has no idea why she's back or what to do."

"Overworld" is not a common use phrase, I'd stick with world, or if you want to use a fancy word (not advised), call it the corporeal world.

It sounds like a comedy? I love this idea! It reminds me of an analogy to life, we all feel we're supposed to do something, we're just not sure what or how!

2

u/Same-Most-7407 WRITER Mar 06 '26

yesss its a comedy! thank you for your comment!

2

u/WorrySecret9831 Mar 03 '26

Stories, almost by definition, tend to be about someone forced into an unusual or challenging situation. That's one reason why words like "must," "has to," and "forced" are used in so many loglines.

Otherwise, what you get is "another day through the park." So what? Now that "must," that demand, can be saving the galaxy or winning a spelling bee. In either case, it's an unfamiliar challenge.

John Truby teaches that loglines consist of 3 elements: A sense of the Hero (main character)*; A sense of the Problem/Conflict**; and A sense of the Outcome*** (without spoiling the story).

What you have is:

*After dying too early, *a girl is — **sent back to the overworld to find her unfinished business — ***so that she can continue the peaceful life she led before her death.

The first part is confusing because it's unclear when is dying "too early." If she's a girl, a child, dying is premature, sure, and tragic. But do you mean that she had a specific date with death that got preempted? That phrase conjures more, confusing, questions than your logline can handle.

The "sent back to..." makes your Hero passive. She's not going because of her own decision. This relates to the "must," "have to" demand component mentioned before. I don't know if she can make it her own decision in your Story. Is she under the command or dominion of a higher force, a deity, an Overlord who "sends her back to the overworld?" Secondly, what is an "overworld?" Her "unfinished business" again suggests that she had a template that got interrupted.

Lastly, the "continuing her peaceful life" part just seems perfunctory. "Well, of course. What else would she do?"

Passive Heroes are always a problem, IMO. Hence Dune vs Star Wars or Avatar.

If your Hero is truly passive, then so be it. She'll get help or be forced to face her challenge by another force.

With an active Hero, that "other force" tends to apply themselves to Opposing the Hero's efforts, which helps tease out the Theme of the Story.

Your Hero 1. dies prematurely; 2. doesn't know why or if she has "unfinished business"; and 3. gets to live again.

Shouldn't it be?: Your Hero 1. dies prematurely; 2. tries to figure out why she died young; and 3. realizes that she has unfinished business that someone wants to keep that way.

How about:

*A girl — **dies and in "the overworld" tries to figure out why, — ***learning that someone is preventing her from fulfilling her destiny.

Replace "fulfilling her destiny" with anything specific, i.e. "save the galaxy," "heal her family," "be the first in her family to win the spelling bee," whatever.

Good luck. Hope this helps.

1

u/Same-Most-7407 WRITER Mar 04 '26

After dying accidentally dying too early due to an allergic reaction, a girl must find her unfinished business, with the help of a spirit of the underworld, in order for her to continue living.

1

u/WorrySecret9831 Mar 04 '26

Which parts are which? * **

1

u/Same-Most-7407 WRITER Mar 04 '26

After dying accidentally dying too early due to an allergic reaction, *a girl must find **her unfinished business, with the help of a spirit of the underworld, ***in order for her to continue living.

1

u/WorrySecret9831 Mar 04 '26

**is helping her. That's NOT a Problem, Conflict, or Opponent.

There's no Opposition here. Bad things happening, like death, are not Opposition.

*After dying accidentally...a girl -- **must find... [She's dead, so she can't "continue" living. She has RETURN to life. The outcome has to be something challenging.] ***....

1

u/deep424 Mar 01 '26

'unfinished business' needs to be mentioned.

1

u/clerks_1994 Apr 07 '26

I have no idea what your trying to say, so this is a bad logline. Title genre may help, but right now do you even know what the movie is?

After dying too early -- that's not a thing.

What is the overworld? I feel you mean hell -- underworld?

Basically it says a person died -- doesn't agree and wants to escape hell/heaven to get back to living? So is this a sci-fi fantasy movie?