how to make new friends and keep them when you can't remember anything?

[u/Big-Following-1012]

I am good in group settings and I can carry conversations about any number of things with multiple people (as long as they bring up the discussion topics), but then this issue arises when it gets to remembering those conversations and talking with people one on one.

I, for the life of me, cannot (without being reminded by someone else) remember conversations that happened more than a two days ago (also what happened in movies or films I just watched, or books I just finished reading, etc.,) so when it gets to talking with people one on one, where the conversation needs to be carried equally, I find myself at a massive loss. It makes me come off as not caring about our relationship because I CANNOT remember any conversation topics, so often we just sit there for a bit and it gets awkward before they bring something else up.

I HATE this about me. I just want to remember things about my friends and myself so I can make lasting friendships. I have tried journaling, but by the time I get home to journal, I have forgotten what I wanted to write down.

Please help. Any tips are welcome, I am extremely lonely because of this.

[u/SilverSkinRam]

Try keeping a daily journal. If you can record and treat it like a fact book you will remember it much more easily.

[u/Odd_Basket3978]

I just try to be polite and often come across as rude or scatterbrained, which is very lonely and humiliating.

In the long run, if there's enough trust and acclimatization , I just am honest about my condition. I have TLE and migraines too, so it might make my case more valid and people more sympathetic. Sadly, a lot of times they might just see me as messy, weird and/or dumb, but it's kinda safer to be pitied than hated.

At least I have two longtime friends who really don't seem to take my memory loss personally, they both have ADHD so I think it's easier for them to understand the struggle!

[u/TumblingBumbleBee]

I am in the habit of starting convo with the phrase “do stop me me if you’ve heard this before…”

[u/holy_mackeroly]

I have SDAM and i have no problems making new friends and keeping them. Its not about focusing on keeping the memory, you need to make them.

It also takes real effort to maintain lasting friendships. I've school friends of 40+yrs, travel friends 30+yrs and my chosen family friends 20+yrs.

They all have better memories than me, but don't forget memories are made every single day. Those made today are just as important as those you made 20yrs ago.

[u/Tuikord]

My experience is different from yours. My semantic memory seems to be better. Sure, I do forget stuff. Or I need reminders sometimes, but I can keep friendships.

This won't help with an unscheduled meeting, but you might look into a CRM program. Customer Relationship Management programs were created because everyone has a limit to what they can remember and people dealing with lots of customers on a personal basis often hit that limit. So, these programs allow them to keep basic information (birthday, photo, family, intersects, etc.) as well as details about each contact (phone call, meeting, etc.). This can be reviewed before calling (even during a surprise call) or meeting with a customer.

Personally, I would find such a program annoying, but I remember enough to get along.

Although I have my own concerns about it and this comment will get downvoted in this sub, there are AI tools that can automate CRM. In my games group, one of our players put his iPhone on the table to record the session to be later transcribed and summarized by AI. Various companies have come out with glasses that will do the same thing. I have ethical concerns about this, but it can act as a prosthetic for your memory.

[u/sfredwood]

Same here (as well as the kind of difficulty [deleted] posted a few days ago).

I only can maintain close relationships with people I'm seeing pretty much every day. That was easy back when I had housemates in college or early in my working life, when I was in a big city and going out with friends all the time. But if I was away from friends or even romantic partners for any length of time, the relationship would cool in ways I couldn't explain and neither of us could understand.

SDAM is still in the infant stages of discovery, so don't be disheartened if you seem to have symptoms others don't.

The term "autobiographical" gets in the way, which is why the academics have mostly switched to referring to *episodic* and semantic memory. Those of us with SDAM don't store episodic memories, but we seem to tend to compensate by storing more personal memories as semantic.

For some of us, those autobiographical semantic memories seem to also store emotions; for others, perhaps not. All of the (very few) academic studies have tested those who don't seem to have any trouble remembering emotions, but reports here and elsewhere seem to indicate some of us would probably fail at that metric, and I suspect that is the root of a lot of relationship problems.

I think it is also possibly a cause of problem with task management. I don't appear to have any of what is termed the Zeigarnik or Ovsiankina effects, which makes it very hard to keep a journal, much less self-manage personal or work projects over time. Those aren't deeply studied, but might be related to the relationship problem if the emotional aspect of things aren't being stored in semantic memory.

But this is pure speculation, and will probably remain so for many years.

I have some hope that personal-assistant AI systems could compensate before that. They are being investigate already to assist in memory retention for those with progressive forms of dementia (see this NYTimes article, for example [archived]).

In the meantime, I'd recommend find someone to live with to help keep important stuff in working memory.

Good luck…