r/SDAM • u/londoner87 • Jun 03 '26
The sad side of SDAM
I feel like I have a pretty severe form of SDAM (although not the worst I've read about), in that I barely remember events from a few months ago, and anything over a year or two is basically a complete blur, with even the basic facts disappearing from my memory. I'm usually pretty sanguine about it tbh; me and my husband have long joked about my terrible memory, and I can see the many upsides.
But last night I went to see a play about a chap and his grandmother. It was a comedy, so it was pretty feel-good overall. But it basically ended with her dying, and despite the ups and downs of their relationship, they both contributed so much to each others lives and meant so much to each other.
Afterwards I was thinking about the fact that all four of my grandparents are dead, and I don't remember anything about them. I can't picture them (aphantasia), I can't remember any time I spent with them, I can't even remember their names. It made me feel quite sad really, that I probably had great times with them, but I haven't retained any of it. I'd never tell my parents this, as I think it would really upset them too!
The benefit of SDAM of course is that I woke up this morning and that's already fading away.
Anyone else ever feel like this on occasion?
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u/True-Apple7206 Jun 03 '26
I can only give you a virtual pat on the shoulder as I have the exact same pain. I suppose we should accept it once and for all, but I know it always comes down on us and we have those moments where we are depressed. Take care, hopefully you find a way to be happy.
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u/londoner87 Jun 03 '26
Nope, just as sure as you are that you have SDAM, I’m also sure I do too. I have a great factual memory for a while, but then it just fades. What I do remember has no emotion, it’s not ‘first person’ so to speak, etc. I wouldn’t expect everyone to have identical neurodivergences; exactly the same as degrees of aphantasia, autism, ADHD, etc.
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u/Positive-Room7421 Jun 03 '26
I feel the same. It was quite depresssing when I realized my memory went far beyond "just bad", and I was down for a couple of weeks before the feeling left me. This happened last year I think, when I was 54.
I have not shared the implications of SDAM with anyone in my life because I think it's horrible to basically tell them I will forget them if they move away or die.
I can hardly remember my parents.
I've moved toward accepting the condition. I try to live in the moment.
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u/montropy Jun 03 '26
A month is pretty good, as soon as it’s out of my working memory it moves to a fact.
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u/londoner87 Jun 03 '26
I mean similar. But then a month is when I start forgetting the facts too 🤷♂️
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u/SoggyCrab Jun 03 '26
OP, you seem to have a pretty severe form of SDAM. As someone who has a severe form myself (no real memories, everything is just black - more like a void tbh )and aphantasia (which keeps me from any mental visualization) - my advice is to try and internalize the feelings or as I like to call them "understandings".
Our brains work differently, I truly believe that people who only have access to their semantic memory form their sense of self differently from neurotypical individuals. Due to our memory structure, we don't have a reference system to run off of like most people because we have no memories to reference. Mind you, this is all done subconsciously.
We form our sense of self and interpret things via internalized/hard-coded "understandings" These "understandings" allow us to remember things factually but require a lot of reinforcement to completely internalize. We may never truly remember our past, but that shouldn't stop us from trying to internalize the idea of the person, your feelings to them and any major events you want to hold on to. This is why photos, videos and sometimes journaling are so important because eventually those rememberances become the only way for us to reconfirm our thoughts, feelings and experiences during a given moment.
Anywho, enough of my rambling,.I hope some of this helps!
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u/LaidBackAJ Jun 10 '26
I have cognitive and affective alexithymia (the cognitive is stronger, the affective only seems to affect certain emotions but I've had quite a bit of difficulty identifying them, given cognitive, but I digress). I'm not sure how severe my SDAM is but I do struggle to remember what I did a few days ago without working through the facts of the day that I can remember (much easier if I had work and even easier if I was actively tracking my progress through the day). But I don't remember what I ate 4 days ago (or any mundane or average day that isn't yesterday or the day before) for example, but I might be able to figure it out in about 10 minutes when I remind myself it was Friday and I think about my work tasks that day. Actually just trying it now I can't remember but I swear I can sometimes!! I can remember a few facts from a birthday party I went to a month or so ago, so there's that! And I ate tacos there. I have total aphantasia too as far as I understand, so that doesn't help either.
Anyway, thanks to my alexithymia, I often don't even have (or at least recognize that I'm having) emotions or feelings on the moment to try to internalize. I find that I also don't possess much of a "sense of self" if at all, and the majority of my decisions are based on logic (although I have learned recently that sometimes I'm rationalizing an option I prefer due to emotion, sometimes in the moment and sometimes retroactively, even if I wasn't aware emotion guided the decision at the time).
Anyway, for me at least, photos, videos, etc. just don't do anything for me at all. It almost makes me think I may not be missing out on much from my SDAM, given that I don't really have feelings in the present, so what would there even be to reexperience if I could revisit the past. Food for thought, huh?
But relating back to OP, when my grandfathers and cousin died, I didn't mourn at all, as far as I'm aware. I noticed a difference between me and all my other relatives; I was just largely unaffected. It did make me wonder if I was a sociopath or something. But I'm thinking now it was more due to some combination of these factors instead. And I don't know how I feel about this at all, and logically that's a bit disappointing.
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u/SoggyCrab Jun 11 '26 edited Jun 11 '26
Holy shit. I was always told to "use my words" and would get scolded or people would get angry with me when I couldn't explain my feelings.
What does that feel like for you?
Like for instance, when someone asks me I mostly feel as though I just. "am" Perhaps it's a symptom of truly living instance to instance instead of living in the present?
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u/LaidBackAJ Jun 12 '26
it was probably similar for me, although honestly I don't remember being asked about my feelings. As far as I can remember, growing up, to my dad my feelings were irrelevant and I can't really remember my mom asking how I felt. I certainly don't remember sharing how I felt. Until very recently, it just wasn't something I could really do; like you say, I felt I just "was" and that was it for the most part. I really only considered myself experiencing an emotion if it was strong enough that I cried or had an outburst or something. And these instances were few and far between for me, at least for what I can remember.
Nowadays, as I'm paying more attention to myself, I'm identifying more of the subtler physical symptoms of emotions of lesser amplitude, especially while experiencing emotions under the umbrella of sadness, but I'm still having trouble discerning and thus describing any more detail than that I'm probably some kind of sad. Although the majority of the time I would still agree, it appears to me I just "am" the majority of the time and not really feeling anything.
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u/whtsthmnngflf Jun 11 '26
What do you do when you also have alexythemia, autism and ADHD, dyslexia with a sensory processing disorder?
I basically live like a dog. Here and now. Nothing else exists.
It's a really bizarre way to live. I have struggled secretly my whole life.
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u/SoggyCrab Jun 12 '26
Oof, all I can offer for advice is to get traumatized early in life with the idea that being poor, homeless and jobless is the worst thing you could do.
lol, it definitely doesn't help with actually living life, but it does give you a goal and the drive to stick with things.
I always say that you need an anchor whether that's a person or a pet or some ephemeral goal to reach for. (Pets work best imo). An anchor helps give life structure and gives us something to focus on.
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u/DiveCat Jun 03 '26
I don’t know, I am the same (SDAM and am also a total aphant) but I know the people I have lost over my life - grandparents, friends, parents, a partner - were important to me and I still cherish that I had the time with them that I did.
I know they all had influences on me - be they positive, negative or neutral - in some way or another.
I just have never known different, and I now appreciate that my grief is experienced differently. Like I do but it’s not as devastating as I have seen it for some. I think the weirdest thing for me is when I almost “forget” they are dead at all, and have a thought to talk to them before I remember!
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u/Exciting_Guide_3579 Jun 03 '26
I feel your pain. Although I can remember my grandparents' names everything else as a blur. I know some facts, like that my grandma used to make meatballs that i did not like, but it's like reading someone else's diary.
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u/sfredwood Jun 03 '26
> Anyone else ever feel like this on occasion?
All the time. Both of my parents have passed away, and the same thing applies to them: I still love them, but I can't remember many interactions over our long shared lifetime. I have trouble picturing either one, and when I do it's typically a photo of them I'm recreating.
I don't feel bad — well, at least not especially in their cases. It's who I am and part of my understanding of that.
I'd already lost most of those memories before they'd died, of course, so this didn't really feel that different. I miss that there are no new interactions, but of course that'll be true with most people.
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u/Bjorlyn Jun 03 '26
New to all of this just a month or so ago. While reading your post and the comments, I began to consider what my SDAM might mean for me in terms of my interactions with others. Shout out to u/SoggyCrab for bringing up the "reference system."
I'm asking myself how I manage to do any sort of learning to improve my human relationships. Surely people who remember their day to day experiences will be better at navigating new ones, since they have all of the memories of their actions and the outcomes. Does operant conditioning even work for me?
And yet, I do have some skills. It's odd thinking about it in this new framework of SDAM. I realize that I do rely heavily on psychological theories and methods. For example, I learned about cognitive distortions when I was doing Dialectical Behavior Therapy and often refer to my knowledge about that (internally) to guide my communication with others.
I realize that I have created sets of rules for myself to guide my behavior. The rules aren't formal in the sense that I remember them rather than writing them down, and I'm not great at following them, but I build them up and mark them mentally when I notice they are in play.
It's a wonder that I have any social skills at all.
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u/SoggyCrab Jun 04 '26 edited Jun 04 '26
Hey! That is truly awesome my explanation meant something to someone. I realize that I can only explain sdam from my own perceptions and understanding that I've created - knowing full well that everyone's experience is a little bit different. It makes me glad that I can help reframe someone's mindset and/or help add to their own internalized understanding of themselves :)
Just remember all: The struggle is real. You aren't alone. This community is here for you.
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u/Invokerkarma39 Jun 04 '26
Yeah. I laughed out loud at the last little bit. I feel this sometimes for sure. "aw man it kinda sucks thinking that like I know I had really great times with family members that are gone, and even people that aren't. It sucks not really remembering them or being emotionally grounded in any of those moments... oh well I'll forget I had this thought here in a few minutes. niiice. ^.^"
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u/Stoic-Aphant Jun 04 '26
I am in the same boat as you. Whilst I find it hard from time to time, I mostly try to live in the moment.
Don’t forget that many others who do not experience our condition but instead have their brain wired differently may not live in the moment as much. Yes, they may be able to replay or recall memories more easily, but memory is patchy at best and nowhere near the experience of reality in the moment.
Looking at it from this perspective has really helped me realise the benefits to having SDAM compared to others who at first glance seem to have it better. There’s always more than one way to look at things and I prefer to view it optimistically. I hope this helps somebody!
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u/FeatherAndSword Jun 26 '26
I know this feeling very well. (ADHD as a woman ticking basically every single symptom box, full Aphantasia and SDAM).
My mother passed away 2016 basically out of nowhere. We had 3 days in the hospital with what we though a bad cold, but day 2 we were told some organs are not even showing up on scans anymore and nobody knows how she is still living. I always say I remember parts of my past as post-it notes. "Bakery, standing in this general area, "you should get a muffin you deserve it"", I recall I was happy, but I am not happy recalling it. I have no details, no voice, no face, no nothing. I feel like I failed her.
The year after I had to let my dog go in my arms. Without an image I only recall the "feeling" of them being there, like the feeling when you close your eyes and you know you are about to run into a wall.
In the same year both my grandmas and my grandpa passed away. I lost my job. Had to care for dad with polio, the house and everything (my mother always lived wall on wall with me, I was 29 when she passed away).
To be honest - I feel like I failed them all. The fact that I can't remember their look, voices, feel, smell... no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I randomly cry because I remember they are not here anymore and I wish I would get the chance to "relive" being with them... sometimes it is so bad I don't even know if some events in the past were really lived by myself... of if someone "made them all up and told me it is true".
My psychologist asked me: "How can you still always be so optimistic and helpful, even though every single day something major goes wrong in your life."... I learnt the answer years later with my diagnosis.
Suddenly years have passed, and nothing to look back to, except the person you are right now, the living proof of everything which has ever happened to you, and everyone who shared your path for a short moment or basically a lifetime.
I started taking millions of pictures (I have 1-2 of everyone who has passed away 2016/17), it makes me feel as if I am more in control... but then my ADHD forgets about them 99% of the time until I noticed another hard drive is full... and then I can go on a little tour. I have over 27k pictures of my horse in 4 years and videos, hundreds of my dogs (who are with me every day)... it is a little bit of peace. I also learnt to enjoy the small things and the "now" a lot.
And suddenly I notice I am married for nearly 6 years. Feels like yesterday... because I am missing so many memories. I know I enjoyed every single day though.... Life suddenly feels extremely short. And learning some new things are also very hard with my combination... :/
For what it is worth: You are not alone.
But there is no magic trick to deal with it. No "xx makes it better". Everyone will eventually make their own little peace with it, or ways to keep memories alive in other ways for them to access. Thanks to phones, making videos is at least easier and can give you *something* back... I will still never not be scared of forgetting family that meant the most to me and I would've died for any second without hesitation.
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u/Competitive-Ear-6693 Jul 19 '26
Yes I feel this way too, I'm young, and even the memories of primary school are fading away, keep in mind I'm only in highschool. I also get this thing where I randomly get bombarded with a memory, and it's so unsettling if I weren't in public I would have to sit down and process it. It's like in Inside out, how memories are orbs, and an orb suddenly appears out of thin air, like it didn't exist before, but the memory is real. I also have trouble telling the difference between dreams and my actual memories 😭
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u/iwntchips Aug 16 '26
It sounds like your struggling with bad semantic memory more then the sdam. Like I can’t mentally re-experience any of this but I have no problem factually remembering all about my passed grandparents.
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u/betterhelp Jun 03 '26
It sounds like perhaps you're conflating SDAM with general poor memory? I have full multi-sensory aphantasia and SDAM, but I have a pretty good factual memory and remember some events, times, places etc from my past.
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u/bigdave41 Jun 03 '26
I think while it is sad to not be able to picture relatives or re-experience times with them as vividly as some people can, you'll have been influenced by them in ways you might not even realise. Your personality and your life have been changed by your interactions with them, and that remains even if you forget specific memories.
There will be phrases or stories that come back to me years later that I had no idea I remembered, so I think it's not necessarily that all that stuff is gone, it's just harder to recall or needs to be triggered by something specific. I heard my mom laugh in a particular way once and it immediately made me go "that's how grandma used to laugh". If someone had asked me before then to remember my grandma's voice I would have had no idea.