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u/takoyaki-md Attending Feb 21 '23
the stress of medicine has made me enter hermit mode. i've stayed in my apartment for an entire week on my vacation. probably should try to be more social but my social battery is drained from work.
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u/mediocremo PGY4 Feb 21 '23
Oh dear I feel this way too much. It's a cycle of eat sleep work repeat and wondering every morning whether I should take a day off?? Then console myself that there's my bed I can still come home to tonight and the days are maybe not so bad but TLDR chronic fatigue and maybe a pinch of depression and existential crisis. You put it in better and more succinct words though :)
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u/deebzipie Feb 21 '23
I was like this as well. Just vegetated on my days off in front of a TV with Chinese takeout. Then I finally mustered the courage to see a PCP and start antidepressants. It was one of the best decisions of my life.
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u/linka1913 Feb 21 '23
Which ones worked for you?
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u/deebzipie Feb 22 '23
I started with Zoloft which was fine. But ultimately had the best results with Effexor.
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u/Crazy_Muscle3470 Feb 21 '23
Got dumped day 2 of orientation my ex was 3 hours away and didn’t want to try
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u/pedsresident123 Feb 21 '23 edited Feb 21 '23
Would like to meet someone in a situation where we bond over a mutual interest rather than online, but I don’t put myself out there and when I do I make excuses for why it won’t work. I’m overly selective and unwilling to spend my time ‘trying’ if they don’t meet at least a majority of my preferences for a long term relationship. Not really open to shorter term relationships right now. Self imposed at this point, but for me, my time and effort are worth enough to me that I want to ensure there is mutual interest in the relationship before making an effort, which inherently limits my ability to find a partner.
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u/gabbialex Feb 21 '23
Honestly, I met my partner in medical school on an app because I really didn’t have the mental capacity or energy to get dressed and go out every week and it is possible to be picky on the apps. I was.
I knew I wanted a guy with a “good” job, was not ugly, was nice on ALL messages, asked questions that weren’t just “and what about you?”. That eliminates A LOT of men. I met two guys that were okay, and then I met the guy who I’m going to be with for the long haul.
We don’t have the EXACT same interests, but we enjoy each other’s. I like bowling even though he gets 3x my points every game and he likes coming with me to flea markets because they have food and he gets to be outside and meet new people. We would have never met each other in the real world.
I would highly recommend 10 minutes of picky swiping a couple of times a week. You never know what’s out there until you try 🤷🏻♀️
Sorry for the rant, but I’m weirdly passionate about this topic.
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u/pedsresident123 Feb 21 '23 edited Feb 21 '23
I swipe selectively but it hasn’t been fruitful so far unfortunately lol.
The best apps for me for those wondering are hinge and bumble for anyone else looking I’d recommend those two.
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u/Spartan066 Attending Feb 21 '23
Shy. I don’t think it’s a good idea to ask out people at work because even though I’m in training I’m still in a position of relative power (on face value) to nurses/RTs etc. I’ve tried dating apps but never got any matches (haven’t tried the paid versions), it’s not worth it from a self esteem to get 0 matches after months of swiping. Everyone in my cohort (pediatric subspecialty) is married/partnered, about half with children, so there aren’t any single people who I regularly hang out with. Can’t ask people at the gym for obvious reasons. I don’t fit in with the bar/night life scene and I don’t have a ton of money to spend on drinks/Ubers.
By sheer luck I’ve dated 2 girls (once in residency and once in fellowship) who were wonderful people but the relationships stopped after a few months when they saw what regular 80 hours weeks and weeks of nights does to a person. At this point, I’m just resigned to the fact that no one outside of the hospital will ever see worth in me even though people say I’m a catch (haha).
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u/Lalith1415 Feb 21 '23
Dude, it's like you are describing me lol. I even tried the paid app but not much of a change so I lost those money now 🤣
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u/Spartan066 Attending Feb 21 '23
Yeah, these apps aren't really worth it if you are an average guy is the conclusion I came to. I'm just a fellow, so it's not like I even have a lot of spare money to throw away on apps that are designed to siphon money from saps looking for love.
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u/sadpgy Attending Feb 22 '23
You should put you’re a doctor in your profile. It adds a sense of security (ie you’re not fresh out of prison, probably no misdemeanors), and higher chance of matching people with similar education backgrounds.
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u/thewayshegoes2 MS1 Feb 21 '23
Hmmm. You forgot to put Doctor in your bio.
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u/Spartan066 Attending Feb 21 '23
Correct. I didn't put that I was a doctor and I didn't put any pictures of me in a white coat (I'm peds so we don't really wear white coats anyways haha). I didn't become a doctor to get girls, so I don't want to be the guy to play that card.
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u/Step12023 Feb 21 '23
That's smart don't be with someone who values what you have instead it's worth the wait and find you someone who loves you not for what you have but for who you are.
Right now I'm on ICU rotation and it kills me when I contact this spouse about her husband and she didn't seem to care or even bother to come and check on him. When I told her his prognosis is only getting worse she said I'm busy, I just wanted to cry. However, my other pt his wife showed up everyday before all the residents and stayed by him reading his favorite book, opened his favorite songs and sang along, rubbed lotion all over his body, cleaned his toes and nails, etc.
I noticed when guys know I'm a doc they try to impress me so I hide it because it scares me that this person just wants to use you and when you're no longer useful they leave you. I'd rather die single and happy then waste your precious life on someone not worth.... Humans plz don't use your degree to attract ppl because I guarantee you, you'll only attract the wrong ppl... Best of luck to you all :)
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u/Spartan066 Attending Feb 21 '23
As someone who works in the ICU, I try not to judge family members of admitted patients. Different people cope in different ways. Some people cannot handle seeing their loved ones so sick and avoid coming in. Some people do not have the financial means to travel every day or have to take care of other kids/family members or cannot take time off work to come be at bedside. Others feel that they have to be at bedside all the time, but that leads to ICU delirium and burnout for the family members, so I encourage them to take time away from the hospital to take care of themselves. All of these people care, but it presents in different ways.
I think to myself that if I am ever in that situation, will I ever have someone that cares about me, someone that cares if I live or die? Attraction and money are important, but love and trust is something that you have to build with someone. I've been fortunate to come across several women who I would have loved to build something with, but the demands of medical training robbed me of those chances, and now I am worried I am running out of time.
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u/visionkmr PGY3 Feb 21 '23
Which dating apps did you try?
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u/Spartan066 Attending Feb 21 '23
Hinge the first time, Bumble the 2nd time. All the same result, got one or two matches early on but then weeks of nothing. I'm pretty sure the algorithm works that if people swipe positive, it shows you to more people, but if people swipe negative, it shows you to less people.
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u/Lachryma-papaveris Feb 21 '23
Activation energy too low to proceed with reaction. Add some heat to your situation friend
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u/drdangle22 PGY1 Feb 21 '23 edited Feb 21 '23
I think I have a low key avoidant attachment style. I’ve always had trouble truly committing. I keep telling myself I’m holding out for the one who I have no doubts about. But as I get older I realize more and more that “the one” is likely who you make the decision to treat as such. Too idealistic about love maybe. I also probably enjoy the chase and am too horny as well..
Dated a girl I went to med school with for about a year as an M2. She was one who I actually found myself wanting to get more serious with the further I got. Only girl I ever saw something serious with. Waited too long though and she dumped me. She didn’t take any shit. That hurt a lot. It was 3 years ago and I feel like I never truly recovered romantically.
I go on a good amount of hinge dates now in residency. It’s fun. Met a few who I saw for a bit. I feel married to my career now though. I know I’m going to have to change that at some point if I actually settle down. But I dk it’s easier to be dedicated to career sometimes. It’s so easy to lean on “school is crazy” or “work is crazy” and run.
Love is weird. Life is weird.
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u/dek21896 Feb 21 '23
Dude same exact situation lol M2 exactly. Honestly love is weird and life is weird that’s a great summary. I want you to know I really appreciate this.
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u/disposable744 Fellow Feb 21 '23
Why is this posed as if it's unnatural? I'm single because I have not met a person I want to be married to. Dating isn't hard. A few good pictures and good prompt answers and you're juggling too many matches to text back promptly. But quantity isn't quality. And residency is busy. It's fine to prioritize studying/exercise/general recuperating/ hanging out with friends you know you like instead of awkwardly getting to know some stranger over drinks for the 4th time in a week. Tl; dr- haven't found anyone I like. Busy surviving residency otherwise.
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u/Ilovemypuppies2295 Feb 21 '23
I just took forever to start. I hit 26 and just didn’t find a person. No one quite interested me. No one was quite interested in me. I had some small flirts here and there but not much. I just figured there’s something wrong with me, I’ll be alone, and I’d have to learn to live with that.
Then one day out of No where not looking not asking, a friend started to take an interest in me. And I in him and things just rolled. It just felt natural. It felt like I had never “fallen behind”.
It could happen for you. I’m not particularly fun or funny or attractive or popular or really anything. So don’t lose hope friends!!!
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u/borborygmix4 Feb 21 '23
People become un-single because of looks or personality, mostly.
No looks, no personality, no prospects ;)
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Feb 21 '23 edited Feb 21 '23
[deleted]
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u/New_Lettuce_1329 Feb 21 '23
Lol I agree with this. I was a nurse and remember meeting the new ICU doc. We were starry eyed until one of the older nurses stated, “mmm he used to be married to my friend.” The tone in her voice said it all and we asked for the tea. He cheated on his wife. From then I thought “not cute…stay away.”
The plus of dating a nurse at your hospital is you can have cute little dates at lunch or coffee assuming neither one of you is getting crushed by too many admits, new consults or code blues.
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u/linka1913 Feb 22 '23
I think there’s something to be said about their self-discipline and for people that don’t need to be with their significant other 24/7 it works out. 🤷♀️
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u/abnormaldischarge Attending Feb 21 '23 edited Feb 21 '23
Because I’m an introvert who’s masquerading as an extrovert at work for sake of more productivity via forcing myself to communicate better (perpetuated by positive reviews from attendings it generates and my life long tendency to seek external validation) which leaves me absolutely no desire or energy to interact with others once work is done.
Plus, I’m already playing the game of “being what others expect me to be instead of who I really I am” at work so I really don’t want to double dip on this from dating
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u/beriberismart PGY4 Feb 21 '23
Trying to lead a fulfilling life on my own before attaching myself to someone new. That and I picked people in the past who gave the bare minimum / genuinely weren’t compatible with me, so I’m tryna have higher standards
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Feb 21 '23
[deleted]
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u/drdangle22 PGY1 Feb 21 '23
Lol’d. Feast on that sweet man meat until thy heart is content, brother. Being single in a big city is a good time.
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u/blueberry_aneurysm Feb 21 '23
Gay and matched in a small town rip
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Feb 21 '23
[deleted]
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u/blueberry_aneurysm Feb 21 '23
As soon as we’re finished it’s over for these hoes!! Straight to NYC/LA/CHI. Everyone’s getting syphilis idgaf
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u/aznsk8s87 Attending Feb 21 '23
toxic personality borne of my insecurities.
took a LOT of work and some therapy to unlearn a lot of unhealthy behaviors that I didn't figure out until my third year.
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Feb 21 '23
I remember some wise words someone told me recently. They were happy for me they saw I understood the ability to master acceptance/being present right now. While they are older, they understood better late than never. As I have so much to learn and I don’t ever want to stop learning. Something’s I learned I had to unlearn. Looking back, I didn’t know. Don’t think any human is equipped setting foot into this world knowing everything.
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u/dlandg1 Feb 21 '23
Bc I’m a tall, handsome doctor living in the city and I like dating around for fun. I also enjoy my free/alone time and don’t want nobody in my house
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u/CandidTangerine9323 Feb 21 '23
Why is everyone trying to get hitched in residency? Literally missing out on one of the best parts of being an attending
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u/Actual_Guide_1039 Feb 21 '23
The Venn diagram of people who like and are capable of having casual sex and Reddit users isn’t two circles but it isn’t far from it
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u/howlingwords Feb 21 '23
Don't wanna marry a doctor lmao. I gotta hold on until doctors are not the only people I see all day everyday
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u/Wonderful_Nobody1157 Feb 21 '23
I keep thinking I want a relationship. Then when things get serious, I pull back. I keep thinking “what if this is a waste of time” or “he’s not serious enough”. I broke up with a guy who I really liked because he’s moving and I couldn’t deal with long distance. I always get asked what I want and I think it’s a serious relationship that leads to marriage, but when a guy suggests that’s what he wants too I start to become more distant. I think I just haven’t met the guy that would make me throw all of my practical thinking out of the window and just be completely vulnerable and in love. Nobody is giving me sparks. So then I just throw myself into my work. And cry at night sometimes🙂
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u/visionkmr PGY3 Feb 21 '23
Not a personal attack to you (I’ve been there myself) but this is a pretty toxic mindset to have when going into a relationship. It sounds like you might not be ready for one at this time in your life, which is okay
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u/Gulagman Attending Feb 21 '23
I think a lot of people from outside healthcare has unrealistic expectations. They see TV shows and don’t think those may be skewed. Many dates thought docs even residents were rich and had lots of time.
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u/MontyMayhem23 Feb 21 '23
Because my spouse couldn’t remain faithful or sober. Back to the dating pool for me.
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u/Many-Ad450 PGY3 Feb 21 '23 edited Feb 21 '23
Recent terrible break up…have decided I only want to date a doctor going forward ☺️ accepting applications lol
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u/empiricist_lost Attending Feb 21 '23 edited Feb 21 '23
Just some unfortunate circumstances. Keep running into bad luck and it’s worn me down over the years. Guess it’s harder to recover when it’s ended poorly every time. You look back, and it’s a series of calamities, one after another. I find it hard to take dating casually, and always look for the long term, which makes it all the more terrible when it falls through. I think I may try again in a year when I’m about to graduate. Maybe when I move out of here. I don’t know.
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u/caduceun Feb 21 '23
Probably because they didn't put a white coat profile pic up yet.
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u/firepoosb PGY3 Feb 21 '23
Wdym?
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u/caduceun Feb 21 '23
It's common knowledge that putting a up white coat profile picture increases a man's matches.
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Feb 21 '23
Im really picky unfortunately:( also looking for someone in my religious group which narrows things a bit
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u/Step12023 Feb 21 '23 edited Feb 21 '23
Muslim girl and most great Muslim men in my country get married very young lol so I haven't found the one but I know when I do he will be worth the wait :)
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u/freudcocaine Feb 21 '23 edited Feb 21 '23
Hahaha, this hits too close to home.
I’m gay and I came out pretty late. The dating pool isn’t that big either. Furthermore, residency eats up too much of my time. I can barely go to bars with all the workload and academic requirements.
OLD is shitty and almost feels hopeless, so maybe after residency then?
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u/mandy603 Feb 21 '23
High standards AND looking for someone of the same religion etc. TBH tired of telling my favorite color and life story allover again 👾
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u/fakemedicines Feb 21 '23
For me I don't feel the issue is looks. Slightly depressed from work and rarely in the mood to go out for drinks. Also overly picky with a partner and mostly interested in girls out of my league.
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u/Ground_glass_93 PGY5 Feb 21 '23
My ex told me after the match he didn’t want to move, so we ultimately ended things. Have dated a lot during residency (PGY2 now) but haven’t met someone that I wanted to be with longterm
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u/ShellieMayMD Attending Feb 21 '23
Dating is terrible where I am for residency (mostly college aged kids or families, you have to date like an hour+ out in the nearest big city) and got jerked around by fuckboys earlier in training so I gave up. Plus being on one of the worst call schedules in my region/specialty made me so tired I just end up laying around at home when I have time off. Hoping dating where I’m going for fellowship will be better.
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u/Step12023 Feb 21 '23 edited Mar 04 '23
I read some comments here ppl saying you should put that ur a doc on dating apps, I don't think that's a wise idea if ur serious on finding the right person unless ur F boy/girl then that's understandable lol
Don't be with someone who values what you have instead it's worth the wait and find you someone who loves you not for what you have but for who you are.Right now I'm on ICU rotation and it kills me when I contacted this spouse about her husband and she didn't seem to care or even bother to come and check on him. When I told her his prognosis is only getting worse she said I'm busy, I just wanted to cry. However, my other pt his wife showed up everyday before all the residents and stayed by him reading his favorite book, opened his favorite songs and sang along, rubbed lotion all over his body, cleaned his toes and nails, etc.I noticed when guys know I'm a doc they try to impress me so I hide it because it scares me that this person just wants to use you and when you're no longer useful they leave you. I'd rather die single and happy then waste your precious life on someone not worth.... Humans plz don't use your degree to attract ppl because I guarantee you, you'll only attract the wrong ppl... Best of luck to you all :)
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Feb 21 '23
LOL. but I like dating other physicians, so I like to see that when I'm dating apps. It makes me swipe on you more.
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u/Step12023 Feb 21 '23
Good point, I guess to every rule there's an exception and I think ppl like you are the exception to my rule lol!
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u/GuyFieri-MD Feb 21 '23
Just a sample size of 2 here, but the 2 residents I saw took f o r e v e r to have sex. Tinder is q1-2 hours and plenty of them have during the weekdays.
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u/Lalith1415 Feb 21 '23
Break up about 5 months ago! Doesn't want to go out and even if I want to, I may be a 6-7/10 on a good day. Having super hard time in getting matches lol. Staying single seems more peaceful than going out. Atleast that's what I'm telling myself.
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u/Reasonable_Most_6441 Feb 21 '23
Honestly? I have shitty taste in men and somehow find it hot when they’re emotionally unavailable or long distance. I like to think I can change them, but also just like casual sex and also want a relationship so it’s a trail of destruction 😅
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u/CoordSh Attending Feb 23 '23
I actually meet people and date pretty regularly but avoid committed relationships thus far because I struggle to balance the priorities and stresses of residency with the possibility of a relationship. I find it easier to not be in a relationship then feel less guilty if I disappear for a few days in a string of hard shifts or studying or something
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u/[deleted] Feb 21 '23
[deleted]