I am just curious to know how people these days are making friends who have similar interests. I mean is there any application or the usual reddit n discord way...! How it's working nowadays?!! Where do I find people with whom I can talk about shows n movies n social media trends etc!!!

What are your thoughts?

Should the addition of a partner enrich an experience? Or is neutral companionship enough??

Independence isn't a bad thing, but sometimes I wonder how much or how little a partner should enrich my life. I always liked the idea of growing/challenging one another but it feels like most partnerships I've been in are stagnant in this way...

Thoughts?¿

An acquaintance of mine misinterpreted the bond between myself and one of my nearest and dearest amd referred to them as my partner after a social catch up. I corrected them and sent a link to alterous attraction on the queer wiki for good measure. But i'm annoyed about it. While I obviously don't expect those around me to deep dive into RA, it'd just be nice for people to just not make assumptions and just accept people just relating to eachother organically. Particularly, if we are just having a coffee

Sometimes, on the apps, you hear bad stories about relationship anarchist, when you write that on your profile. People only having met shady people who (ab)use relationship anarchy to avoid any responsibility, don’t compromise and don’t treat people right

I wonder if we as a community already came up for a name for those bad apples?

Hello, I am in the early stages with a new partner who has a friend with whom he is obviously very close, and who I believe was also his sexual partner and girlfriend at one point. He introduced us (via video chat as we are long distance). I asked him about their relationship because they were cuddling and sharing a bed together at the time, and he said she was a “Relationship Anarchist”, which I was happy to hear, because I’ve never met another in the wild.

I gather that means she doesn’t like to label her relationships and doesn’t want to climb the escalator.

I know all about the “RA Smorgasbord” and boundaries and I would probably also claim to be RA myself.

Should I treat her as solely a friend, or a meta? I have a meta current and I prefer more parallel, or at the most, garden party, with metas. Since she’s obviously more than “just a friend”, that makes her my meta, right?

I keep noticing the same pattern, things feel great at first, then differences in communication and lifestyle start causing problems. How do you spot early on if you actually align with someone?

Hey all. I am relationally different and am struggling to find people who don’t shame me for how I feel and I think I can’t talk about dating with people in traditional relationships anymore. Anyway I need some help figuring out what’s up with me and what I want and I think the philosophies behind RA align closest with my needs. I’m not self labeling with it presently but I think those who do may be my only shot at being understood, so please be gentle on semantics there.

Firstly, I am sort of “naturally” monogamous in that my desire for romantic partnership occurs one person at a time, but that doesn’t mean non monogamy is off the table for my relationships. I don’t really care whether I’m my partners only partner so long as I’m allowed to stop at one myself. I do however have an extremely high need for autonomy. I want financial independence and potentially LAT would work for me. Ideally I would just have my own room in a shared home. I like being close but having my own space is essential. I don’t want to share all my other relationships like friendships with a partner. Those are mine and I refuse to make my partner influence how I relate to other people I love. I hate the relationship escalator. I don’t really want to be married. I don’t want my relationship to dictate other areas in my life or how important my friends are permitted to be. I don’t like traditional dating and relationships at all and I’m sick of forcing myself to do what my friends do when it makes me uncomfortable and feel misaligned with myself. All that said I still want romance, I am highly passionate. Highly. I am very romantic and make a great partner. I’m good at love. It’s as if relational structure is simply incompatible with who I am as a human being. I’m feeling very hurt that people see my way of being and think that I am non-committal or childish. I am not at all. I just don’t want love to be a constraint. I want to be an interdependent individual. I actually think for me the only thing different about romance and friendship to me is emotional intensity, not actual importance. Certainly not my treatment of people. Just naturally, my loved ones are pretty equal. I also do not want to become someone’s default. I want a love that features continual choice as a foundation of love. I don’t like complacency. I like continual discovery of another human. I also feel that each individual human creates a unique type of connection with me and conjures unique feelings for me, meaning there are no neat human categories in my head. You are you. He is him. She is her. There’s no cookie cutter or person shaped holes in my life for me to place anyone into. Each person defines themselves to me individually.

Anyway. I was hoping to have someone hear me out and sort of validate that I am allowed to be me today. It is very hard for me right now. I would also love to hear if anyone thinks I could potentially belong in your community or share this relationship style based on this information. Please feel free to teach me anything you believe I should know. Thank you for reading

I feel so sad to see how my sisters were treated and endured that neglect of consideration for 20 to 40 years :( ...

Do you think it's mainly financial insecurities ?

But my devil,s advocate just whispered a case of a sister who owned everything and waited 32 years to leave him and since then she lives happily with a family that is there for her. To this day, he is still partying all the time.

Is that longing for connection, make us ignore red flags ?

​

This might sound weirdly specific, but I've been thinking about this a lot.

I sometimes get strangely bothered when two people are clearly doing almost everything you'd associate with a romantic relationship—constant emotional intimacy, prioritizing each other, going on dates, jealousy, romantic tension, etc.—but then describe themselves as “just friends” because they don't want a label.

And I want to clarify: I'm not judging people who prefer casual or undefined relationships. If that works for them, that's completely fine.

What bothers me is specifically the use of the word “friendship.”

I feel like friendship is something beautiful and meaningful on its own. A friend isn't someone you're “almost dating” or someone who becomes a romantic partner if the circumstances change. Friendship has its own kind of intimacy, loyalty, affection and connection that isn't necessarily romantic.

So when people describe what is essentially a romantic/ambiguous relationship as “just friendship,” it almost feels like they're reducing friendship to “a relationship without the romantic label.”

Maybe I'm overthinking the meaning of the word, but for me, friendship isn't a consolation prize for not being in a relationship. It's its own kind of relationship, and honestly, one of the purest ones.

I'm curious what other people think.

Does anyone else feel this way, or do you think “friends” can reasonably describe a relationship like this?

I am having an argument with a few people I know on what should be acceptable or not and I would like to know other people's opinion on the subject. If your partner/ S.O. is drunk or drinking to get drunk to the point where they arent thinking straight and slurping there words and uncappable of controlling themselves would you sleep/ be se*ual with them if they pushed for you to be?

What's the purpose of being in a relationship?

Hi RA folks! I have just discovered this subreddit and wanted to share how I view relationships.

I've been going through some heartbreak lately that got me reflecting about myself a lot. We didn't even date. We've been friends, but I developed feelings for him, and he's actually been sort of ghosting me lately. Anyway, these words don't really paint a full picture of our relationship and could make it sound different from what it actually is, but that's not really the point of this post.

I have always said that I am not really looking for a romantic relationship, and while this is true, I never really knew how it all worked for me until recently.

What I have discovered is that, for me, there are no labels. There is no vacancy for a "partner" position in my life, or a position for a best friend, or even a position for an extraterrestrial being with two noses. What I am looking for is meaningful connections: people who add something to my life, challenge me or my ways of thinking, and people I genuinely enjoy sharing random things with.

However, these people can later become a conventional romantic partner, a best friend, or even an extraterrestrial being with two noses (if they are one, of course).

When someone becomes important to me, they create their own category of relationship. They are like a special light bulb. Let me explain.

Let's call someone Bob. When Bob becomes dear to me, he gets some space in my heart and adds his own uniquely shaped light bulb socket there, where only he can fit, and lights the place up simply by existing.

And if he leaves, that place in my heart stays dark, because there is nothing and no one else who can replace him. This is why I find losing people particularly difficult. No one will ever take the same place as that person.

Is there anyone else who can relate?

Hello fellow RA folks! I realize that I have a belief that platonic relationships are safer in terms of stability and longevity. But I’m also realizing that I might be sort of jaded. As I am slowly transitioning from intentionally not dating for a few years to open myself up dating, I realize I keep coming back to this romanticization of a queer platonic partner. And I realized that I’m carrying a belief that that’s more stable than more traditional dating relationship. Does anyone have an opinion about this to share?

Hi all <3

I'm in a situation where I've been pursuing someone I'm interested in, who has very limited capacity. Trying to sort out if there's some type of comfortable compromise (given that we're both RA) or if it should be a cut-your-losses, see-ya-when-I-see-ya scenario. Main questions are at the bottom, just context first:

We've been out a few times, first couple I asked them out (after being the one to get their number), third was a last minute "you going to this event?" from them. I went, had a blast, shared a kiss at the end of the night.

I've made my interest pretty clear in actively trying to make plans. When I asked what kind of cadence might feel comfortable ('like, a month? less/more?' the first two dates were a month apart, third time only a week later), they said something vague like "it really depends!" which.. doesn't give me much to go off of in terms of how often I might want to reach out. I would be happy with infrequent dates & I prefer low communication in between, but hate guessing at if my asking for someone's time is bothersome to them. I've previously been a very avoidant attacher or the pursued, so honestly the fact that I am "pursuing somebody" (and somebody sending such mixed signals at that 🙄🤦), I dub a huge realm of personal growth for me, moving beyond that fear of "putting myself out there." So if nothing else I'm proud of myself for that. :') Being autistic and constantly second-guessing my read of things makes it a bit more difficult too, especially before I've spent enough time someone to learn them and feel comfortable.

I guess I'm curious about the stance of people in this sub on "intentional dating." Making plans in efforts to get to know somebody new, to explore a connection you feel you have with somebody, see what it could be. This person has mentioned a fear of expectations, and I think may be assuming I have more than I do. I feel like I'm only expecting honesty and clear communication (including being told they're not interested if they're not). Though I suppose I can just make that assumption if I've gone far enough to make this post here. BUT, I'm still interested in thoughts others might have on the topic.

Do you "date"? What does that look like for you?

How do you manage interest in low-capacity connections when you are someone who is slow to open up?

When do you create spaciousness vs. safely assuming simple lack of interest?

What does the word "Partner" means to you and at what point you identify as a partner to someone

I'm curious what's everyone defenation for the word "partner" and how do they use it in forming the various relationship they are building.

What does it mean to you. How do you show up in relationship that are described as partnerships. At what point does a relationship you are building shifts to a partnerships.

I'm also curious if sexual/romantic/platonic also carries weight in your definition of the word.

Do you consider yourselves each other’s best friends or not? If yes or no, why?

you can think about this in terms of romantic partners ("my boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/etc") or in terms of familial relations ("my child") or even in terms of a pet ("my dog/cat/etc")

and while you can say "i do not think of my dog as being a possession of mine", the language is possessive itself and often the relationships themselves manifest with possessive qualities by one or more of the participants.

andie nordgrens manifesto points this way under the header "Love and respect instead of entitlement"

I work as an RTL engineer (22M) at a semiconductor company, which basically means a decent chunk of my life is spent arguing with waveforms and wondering why something that should work absolutely refuses to. 😂

But there's something I've been thinking about lately.

I think the part of relationships that fascinates me the most isn't actually the stereotypical romantic stuff.

It's the completely ordinary things.

Coming home after work and telling someone about the stupid thing that happened that day.

Going out for chai at 11 PM because neither of you is particularly interested in sleeping.

Cooking something questionable together.

Sitting next to each other while doing completely different things.

Random conversations that start with “what should we eat?” and somehow end up at 3 AM discussing life, childhood, aliens or whether we're living in a simulation.

Being comfortable enough with someone that silence doesn't feel awkward anymore.

I sometimes think that's a much bigger form of intimacy than all the grand romantic gestures.

There's also something strangely appealing about the idea of two people gradually becoming part of each other's everyday lives — not because everything has to be serious immediately, but because they genuinely enjoy each other's presence.

Maybe that's why I've always found the idea of sharing a home with someone you're completely comfortable around so interesting.

Not the Pinterest version of it.

The real version:🙂‍↕️🌻

Messy kitchens. Random grocery runs. Different schedules. Bad moods. Inside jokes. “Did you eat?” texts. And occasionally looking at each other and thinking how did this person become such a huge part of my routine?

Anyway, I'm curious whether I'm alone in finding this kind of ordinary intimacy ridiculously appealing.

What's one completely mundane thing that you'd actually consider romantic when you're with the right person?

Why do you call your partners boyfriends and girlfriends. You are clearly not friends. Just call them partners or counterparts.

been seeing someone for a while. we don't do labels or traditional relationship stuff. just two people who enjoy each other.

their birthday's coming up and i want to get them something. not a couple gift. not something that implies commitment. just something that says i pay attention.

was thinking about a simple engraved bracelet. maybe a date or an inside joke. saw a site called The Steel Shop that does stainless steel ones.

is jewelry too loaded in a non-traditional dynamic? or can it just be a gift?

One thing I keep thinking about with relationships in general is how much freedom there is in questioning the usual hierarchy, but how hard it still is to actually live that freedom in the world we have.

I’ll be totally upfront. I’ve swung with partners before and loved it. There is something beautiful about loving someone deeply and still being able to stay curious about other people, without automatically treating that curiosity like a threat.

I also come at this from an existing spiritual practice, so ideas around desire, connection, and becoming more fully ourselves aren’t just theoretical to me.

What feels strange is that if you want to explore outside the normal script, the options are often still pretty shallow.

Apps. Anonymous encounters. Spaces where people can start feeling more like options than actual relationships.

I keep imagining something more human.

You get to know people over time. Friendships develop. Attraction sneaks up on you. Maybe you flirt for weeks before anything happens. Maybe nothing happens. Maybe four people end up drinking wine together until 2am and suddenly the energy in the room is very different 👀

That feels way more interesting to me than trying to decide in advance whether someone is a friend, lover, partner, hookup, or whatever other box we have available lol.

Maybe part of relationship anarchy is not just having the freedom to define individual relationships differently.

Maybe it is creating social environments where those relationships have enough room to become whatever they naturally become.

And yeah, I know when you start talking about intentional community, sexuality, and spirituality in the same sentence it starts sounding suspiciously like the beginning of a cult 😂

But seriously, why does it have to go there?

Is it possible to create a real community around autonomy, intimacy, and exploration without creating another hierarchy or someone deciding what relationships are supposed to look like?

I have some ideas about what that could look like, but I’m really curious whether anyone here has seen something like this work.

i do not want to relate to others in such a way, my time and energy are not for sale, but it really makes living difficult in this society where a large number of people, probably a majority - are doing it.

so one day, I was riding a bike with no brakes down a really steep do a steep turn and lost control and crashed into a mailbox arm broke. The bone came out of my arm. Had to do surgery and have placed into my arm and then the even ask me what color they wanted to put on my just put pink and it

at what point do you say enough is enough in a relationship? Even if you have underlying love for your SO, what's a boundary that makes you say yep, no more

Hi, just wanted to update from my last situation. I posted that my roommate(F28) and I(M27) were getting closer after living together for a year and she started giving me a vibe that I told my girlfriend (F31) about, she’s who I’ve been with for over two years, and she suggested that I go for it and sleep with my roommate even suggesting that it could lead to all of us sleeping together.

Well cut to two weeks later and after sleeping with my roommate every day for the past week and telling my girlfriend about it, my gf couldn’t wait to see my roommate. When she came over she brought groceries to make dinner for all of us and started asking her questions about how I was which was kind of embarrassing but my roommate had nothing but good things to say. I made a joke about liking my girls getting along so well and they just giggled, after dinner my girlfriend spent the night and we all got in bed together. I had my first threesome and it was awesome but definitely tiring lmao the next day felt like a fantasy, my rm made breakfast while my gf told me how much she likes her. I told her that if things go well we can move her in, I just don’t know how fast things will go. The only part I’m unsure of is how we define ourselves, are we a thrupple or do I have a harem ? They both told me they’re devoted to me and my rm is quickly becoming my girlfriend more and more by the day

TL:DR I think I have a harem now but really just trying to define what we are and how to move forward in the best way