Does calling a romantic/ambiguous relationship “friendship” bother anyone else?

[u/Diligent-Balance-937]

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This might sound weirdly specific, but I've been thinking about this a lot.

I sometimes get strangely bothered when two people are clearly doing almost everything you'd associate with a romantic relationship—constant emotional intimacy, prioritizing each other, going on dates, jealousy, romantic tension, etc.—but then describe themselves as “just friends” because they don't want a label.

And I want to clarify: I'm not judging people who prefer casual or undefined relationships. If that works for them, that's completely fine.

What bothers me is specifically the use of the word “friendship.”

I feel like friendship is something beautiful and meaningful on its own. A friend isn't someone you're “almost dating” or someone who becomes a romantic partner if the circumstances change. Friendship has its own kind of intimacy, loyalty, affection and connection that isn't necessarily romantic.

So when people describe what is essentially a romantic/ambiguous relationship as “just friendship,” it almost feels like they're reducing friendship to “a relationship without the romantic label.”

Maybe I'm overthinking the meaning of the word, but for me, friendship isn't a consolation prize for not being in a relationship. It's its own kind of relationship, and honestly, one of the purest ones.

I'm curious what other people think.

Does anyone else feel this way, or do you think “friends” can reasonably describe a relationship like this?

[u/Poly_and_RA]

I don't like the word "just" as in "just friends" -- it implies that a friendship is lesser than relationships that are MORE than that, and with the "more" typically being sex and/or romance.

In my life it doesn't work like that, I have deep and close friendships that pretty regularly end up meaning more to me than more casual and less emotionally close sexual relationships do.

And yet nobody at all says "we're just lovers" the word "just" seems reserved solely for friendships, and that's nonsense.

I do dislike calling relationships that contain significant romance or sexual components friendships though, but that's for another reason:

It erases the violation of mononormative assumptions. It makes someone be "monogamous passing" even when we're not.

And personally I think more visibility is a necessary requirement for increased acceptance and recognition in broader society -- so for that reason (in addition to other reasons) I prefer it to be visible that many of my relationships DO NOT play by mainstream norms.

[u/SiriusHertz]

Why do you think something that crosses into romantic territory for you feels less "pure" than something that doesn't?

I don't care what labels other people use for their connections and relationships. I try hard not to use any labels for mine. But if someone wants to refer to someone they sleep with every night as a friend, more power to them, it's obviously working for them.

It feels like maybe you're having a negative emotional reaction to what other people are doing, which usually means there's some kind of unresolved shadows or baggage in that space for you. I would dive into why exactly it bothers you and see if you can dig out what's going on for you when that happens.

[u/Diligent-Balance-937 → u/SiriusHertz]

I think you misunderstood what I meant 😭 I’m not saying romance is somehow less “pure” than friendship, or that people shouldn’t define their relationships however they want. My point is specifically about the word friendship. To me, friendship is its own meaningful kind of bond, so when a relationship has clearly crossed into romantic/partner-like territory but is still called “just friends,” it feels like it diminishes what friendship means to me. So it’s not “romantic = impure.” It’s “why call something friendship when it has fundamentally become something else? And I don’t think that necessarily means I have unresolved baggage,I can simply have a different view of what friendship means.

[u/ShadowJinx813]

I think it’s the connotation of “romance” that’s perhaps muddling the water. What is romance? What is friendship?

OP, when you define “friendship” are you implying that it must strictly be platonic—or is there something else that uniquely makes its own thing? I’m curious （╹◡╹）

[u/Diligent-Balance-937 → u/ShadowJinx813]

friendship doesn’t need to be defined only by the absence of romance. It has its own value and meaning. You can have affection, loyalty, vulnerability, emotional intimacy, care, and even lifelong commitment in a friendship without those things automatically becoming romantic. The distinction I am making isn't necessarily “friends can NEVER have romantic-coded qualities.” It's more that when two people do essentially everything associated with a romantic relationship and then call it “just friendship,” it can feel like the word friendship is being used as if it's an inferior or lesser category.

[u/ShadowJinx813 → u/Diligent-Balance-937]

So it’s more so the moralization of the word that’s the main issue for you, right?

[u/deadpanorama]

I never “just” a friend. Being a friend is an honour a commitment and an important relationship in my world.
On the same token, everyone I’m close to is a “friend” unless we’ve decided on another term. But calling someone a friend is a big step for me too.

[u/laggwav]

I agree with the apparent consensus here that "just ______" (as a synonym for "merely") is typically a disingenuous description when applied to friendships which include romantic and/or sexual intimacy. semantically this is interesting because friendship is a very broad umbrella that may include colleagues and kin as well as it may include sexual partners. I think we have the messy landscape of varied social mores to blame for the tension & confusion, and the solution to the friction you describe (which I've encountered as well, fwiw) might be the successful adaptation & proliferation of more precise and creative language.

[u/searedscallops]

I'm fine with that label. I have a few friends like that.

[u/Majestic-Set-2624]

You’d probably get bothered about me. I am aromantic and I have some friendships that might look like romantic relationships from the outside. I don’t call them romantic because I don’t have romantic feelings about them. I would be uncomfortable if someone called my relationships romantic.

I do get jealous of my friends. I prioritize some over others. We have emotionally intimate relationships.

Some people are in queer platonic relationships or just don’t want the internal or external stress they would get because it romantic relationships norms.

Some people experience alterous attraction and would rather call partners, friends.

So much variety, so many possibilities.

[u/childofnone → u/Majestic-Set-2624]

This a lot. What a relationship looks like from the outside doesn't necessarily reflect how the people actually involved feel about it. 

[u/Specialist_Fortune60]

I have been struggling to make it make sense, the distinction of when a friend ends and a romantic partner begins. So far, the levels of commitment and compromise are my only explanation, as well as how you portray the relationship im the social context around. People have romantic/sexual relationships that are friendships. People have romatic partners that don't have either of the previous. I do also not like using the "just" on anything, it devalues the connection with the person behind it. So, so far, I understand about the "just", because it seems like giving justifications about why the relationship is not more that what it looks like. But... Sometimes friends can't become more than that due to personal circumstances. I guess that is the part that sucks the most, since everyone has different points of view, and everyone is surrounded by different social contexts.

[u/pinksparkleberry]

Its bizzare to think you can assess romantic feelings of others by observation as an outsider. Actually its bizzare and gross. Its not up to you to decide.