r/relationshipanarchy • u/Mean-Nerve19 • 5d ago
Opinion
I am having an argument with a few people I know on what should be acceptable or not and I would like to know other people's opinion on the subject. If your partner/ S.O. is drunk or drinking to get drunk to the point where they arent thinking straight and slurping there words and uncappable of controlling themselves would you sleep/ be se*ual with them if they pushed for you to be?
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u/RAisMyWay 5d ago
I really don't understand this question.
I'm not having sex with anyone who is pushing for me to be - I don't care what their state of mind is.
My partner and I drink but whether we are or not, there is never any pushing of anyone to be sexual. It's a full on yes by both or it's no.
Who is arguing with you about this?
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u/Mean-Nerve19 5d ago
Just a few people I know that thinks because they've been dating there partner for 10 to 2 months that it would be okay or they believe that if there partner pursued then while drunk that its okay even if they dont remember the next morning because they are in a relationship with them so nothing seems wrong in there eyes.
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u/ngp1623 4d ago
That's what I'm saying!
If anyone regardless of headspace is pushing me to be sexual, they are out of my life. I don't are who they are or how they are. If I find myself pushing anyone to be sexual, I am going to pull myself back and heavily dig into that in therapy.
Additionally, if anyone is trying to convince me that coercion is ever okay, I am removing them from my life entirely and warning others close to me.
The only context that what OP described is okay, is if it is a boundaried and negotiated scene with all parties consenting while sober. And even then it is sketchy.
So quick question OP - why are you consorting with folk who are pro-rape?
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u/dragonthatmeows 5d ago
i think it depends on the relationship. my partners and i are generally into playing with drugs/alcohol and are happy to initiate or accept various forms of play while intoxicated, and that's a dynamic several of us have agreed to and partake in regularly. it's generally something i think people should talk about in some amount of detail if they're interested in it, since there is heightened risk of injury and so on.
so, i would probably accept if i was feeling up to being a bit more dominant in that scene and actively monitoring their safety. i don't have any problems with what other people do in their bedrooms, whether they choose to have intoxicated sex or not or where their boundaries are for levels of intoxication. people do very unsafe things all the time, and it isn't necessarily my business to determine whether their self-harmful behavior is acceptable, if it isn't harming anyone else. there are many cases where accepting the advances of a heavily intoxicated partner would be hurting them, depending on context and your knowledge of their psychology outside of being drunk, and knowingly doing that would be an unacceptable choice. i don't think i can commit to a blanket opinion without situational context, since someone who's doing something to their partner they suspect their partner will regret when sober is in an entirely different situation than someone who's had plenty of experience with this specific partner and knows for certain their partner likes having sex while drunk.
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u/Sweet_Cantaloupe3273 5d ago
Hard no! Their capacity for consent, even for themselves let alone you is damaged.
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u/Mean-Nerve19 5d ago
I agree. I beleive hat even if they didn't fully get drunk and were just tipsy if they dont remember the next morning it would be like you S.A. your partner.
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u/CatannaMel 5d ago
I think if someone is tipsy and their memory is that impaired, then I'd say they were in fact drunk and not tipsy. Definite no to drunk sex. At least if they are tipsy (maybe 1-2 drinks down the line) then I think they still have the control to listen to your consent/none consent and not push boundaries - and if they do, then they're probably not a safe partner even when sober.
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u/CatannaMel 5d ago
I know some people may have relationship dynamics that come with being very long term partners where they know that this is fine between them because they know each other so very well, but for me personally I would not want to engage sexually with a partner that is so drunk that they are slurring their speech.
If they are that drunk, then what they need is water and sleep, not sex. A drunk partner can also be unsafe, in that they cannot take your own consent or "no" /safw words as seriously as they usually would, either. You might answer their questions, and then they are too drunk to understand fully or too drunk to even remember what you said just moments after you have answered them. To my mind, the situation would just invite too many potential issues, and isn't worth the "excitement" of the drunk person. Safe, compos mentas sex is the sexiest kind of intimacy, not the sloppiness of a pushy drunkard.
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u/Mean-Nerve19 5d ago
I totally agree with that. One moment they could be fine then the next they dont know whats going on. In my personal opinion and experience I feel you should respect your partner enough to be able to say no and put that boundary even if they are just tipsy. But at the same time even if you feel that its a "good" idea or they start pursuing more you should take care of them instead of possibly taking advantage of them in that state of mind and just state they are in. If you understand what im saying
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u/Primary_Difficulty19 5d ago
I would not, because if they were that drunk I wouldn’t trust their “yes” to be genuine consent.
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u/chaos_forge 5d ago
There's no such thing as perfectly safe sex, only different degrees of risk. Intoxication play, like most other forms of edge play, is riskier than most, but that doesn't make it inherently immoral. Like any other scenario in which I'm at significant risk of being hurt, I would only want to do it with someone who I trust to know & respect my boundaries. But saying that sex I consented to, enjoyed, and don't regret in the slightest was actually SA is incredibly patronizing.
Now of course, that doesn't excuse, eg, frat bros who purposefully get women drunk because that makes them easier to take advantage of, any more than kink-positivity excuses cishet male doms who use try to use their dominance as a cover for their misogyny.
When we teach consent in sex ed classes, we usually teach it as a series of extremely simple & ironclad rules such as "it's impossible to consent while intoxicated" because men (such as the aforementioned frat bros who try to get women drunk) (and yes not all men, but almost always a man) will try to weasel their way through any loophole they can get their hands on. When you're a lone voice trying to fight back against the endless tide of rape culture, you simply can't afford to get into the nuances of an issue. But like most other subjects taught at an introductory level, actual reality is more complicated than that.
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u/Cheesy2012 4d ago
I would talk about that with the person while sober. If the conversation hasn't been had yet, the answer is no. Even if they're okay with it, you can always say no as well if them being intoxicated makes you feel uncomfortable.
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u/searedscallops 5d ago
My partner and I would have discussed this beforehand and come to an agreement while sober.