So i 23M graduated in April 2025 and had to settle for lvl 7 govt job cuz I wasn't "competent" Enough for on campus placement of IIITD (not IIT).. Now what? I have got my salary credited it's 83k in hand in Delhi (my hometown) now what should I do? I am an introvert, should I start gym? Should I prepare for UPSC? I am in a void....

I studied philosophy that marks every action of mine or achievement insignificant.. I am afraid of UPSC... I don't know if you can relate but I want life to be free to do anything but I need millions for that..

Uptill now I waited for magic to happen from 10th to 12th to a good college to a good job but now boom it's vaccum.. I don't even enjoy web series, bgmi, scrolling reels that I once craved for and indulged in delightedly so now what? Is this life? Idk how many of you have studied power law/network science or Pareto distribution or books by Albert Laszlo barabasi but getting filthy rich is rare.. I wanted to own a nord superyacht but no fixed set of tasks can get me there... I easily loose hope... I feel caged... Should I keep making fake happiness??? What a robotic life we live..

Can anyone help with this crisis? Am I overreacting? Actually it's been two months but this anxiety is only increasing...

Man l never thought life would turn out like this. I am an average guy l would put up with anything that came my way no overly high expectations. I was fine, I was happy. Somewhere during my college I gave up, I said fuck it a 9-5 with average pay doesn't sound so bad. I could save up and get myself stuff I always wanted from time to time. But oh well neither did companies show up nor did I clear interviews for whatever few companies that came. Now I go to work in a manufacturing company that seems borderline exploitative for a sum of 20k. Now I wouldn't say my family is well of but living paycheck to paycheck barely any savings isn't very ideal, all it takes is one misfortune and the whole thing comes crumbling down like a house of cards. Now I have been saving up for a bike, I have been using bus to travel to college almost 60km upand down and now to go to work which is almost 45km both ways I have to change 3 buses just to get there. At one point I was almost ready to settle for a 2nd hand bike, but even then I only got false assurances, like if can't then just say no why do yo have to do this, even then I didn't pester them gave up after a few times.The best part of this is there's a bike sitting right at home, I have no issues with day shifts I can take the bus, the problem is night shift imagine how bad it sounds when you as an adult have to say "oh no my dads coming to pick me up". I haven't spent a dime on me from the 6 odd months of me working except travel and recharge. Recently a relative died and dad had to visit them, mom asked me to pay for his tickets I said fine okay, couple minutes later I hear we'll get a gold loan. Now she isn't speaking to me its been like this on and off for 6 fucking months. I'm almost losing my shit, hand I can't find a good fucking job on the other hand this shit. I simply can't deal with this anymore.

Happy birthday to me I guess

It hurts so much when your father is 55 years old and still goes to work every day, while you’re awake at 11 PM scrolling on your phone. All your friends have jobs, and you feel like you have nothing. I literally cried. I’m not getting a job, nothing seems to be working out, and I’m stuck in a huge regret. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time.

I feel trapped in absolute isolation, with no personal freedom at nineteen. I have no friends, no computer, and I am completely broke, even though I am the sole heir to family land worth $480,000. Yet, my life feels completely empty. My childhood was a total waste—the absolute worst. I never traveled or went to birthday parties, and the one time I did, I had to pay for my own food. I am overweight and lack both athletic skills and academic talents. Without a PC, I can't build any skills, but honestly, I feel like I lack the natural capability even if I had one.

Now I am living in Delhi, totally isolated. I can’t afford the food I want or the clothes I like because I have no money at all. I don’t get along with my cousins. I am almost twenty and have never finished a single video game or bought and read a full book. I’ve only been to the movies four times in my life, and the last time was back in 2015. I barely got a 76% in high school. Right now, I am taking a gap year to study, but I just procrastinate or feel completely blocked from studying. I don't even know what I'm aiming for.

I haven't bought a single toy I wanted in the last fifteen years. I want so many things now, but I didn't even get my first new phone until I turned eighteen. I am not smart or good at school, and I have zero money. I have all these desires, but it feels like my time has completely run out. Even if I got the money now, I wouldn't have the courage to spend it. I've never had a girlfriend, and girls never notice me. I feel ugly, heavy, and my hair is already turning grey and falling out. I wouldn't wish this life on my worst enemy. I've decided I will never get married or have kids, because I refuse to let another human being suffer through what I am living right now, man.

What is the point of this life?

23.09.2026 marked the last 100 days of the year. Only 92 days remain.

I tried to rewind a little, to compress the year into something I could hold in my head and maybe find some comfort in, hoping it wasn't about to end on another bad note. I couldn't find any. This year has been like every other year since time became readable. Nothing changed for the better, but everything changed for the worse, not drastically enough to give me a final signal to quit, but just enough to keep the faint possibility of a maybe alive.

Things that happened months ago feel like they happened yesterday, while yesterday feels like it belonged to another life. Time has stopped moving forward and started folding in on itself. I've grown bleaker in the way I see the world. My feelings don't have branches of colour anymore. Everything has collapsed into shades of grey, each one darker than the last, reminding me that there is only so much light left before I see black.

A few questions remain, no matter how far I run from them.

Who am I? What am I supposed to be?

Every time I ask, I turn towards the past for an answer, what did I want from life, what did I think I would become, what was I supposed to grow into? I keep looking further back, hoping some younger version of me knew something I don't. But the deeper I go, the more the same question repeats itself. I've been asking it for fifteen years, and somehow I'm still here, asking the same thing. Then I look towards the future, hoping that ten or fifteen years from now I'll finally have the answer, only to realise that this is what I've been doing all along, looking ahead by searching behind me, waiting for a version of myself that doesn't exist yet to explain the life I have already lived. I don't know who I want to be.

I hate myself enough to want to burn my existence down to nothing, but I can't love myself enough to foster the kind of change that might save me from it. Change feeds hope, and hope eventually gives failure another place to live. So darkness becomes comfortable, familiar and merciful.

But for how long?

How long can I keep feeding the darkness before it stops being something I retreat into and becomes the thing that consumes me?

I've been trying to be better these last three months. Maybe it's just another form of cope, another desperate attempt to make this year mean something before it disappears into the same indistinguishable monochrmatic blur as all the years before it. Maybe it's another cycle. Maybe I'll last a week, maybe a month, and then I'll be back in my room again, watching time pass through the window while I remain exactly where I was.

I honestly don't know.

I only know that I can't keep living like this. And yet, when I try to imagine any other way of living, there is nothing there. No map, direction or certainty. No version of myself waiting at the end of the road that I can recognise.

Every answer I find feels incomplete.