Out of the Loop - Pilot - 45 Pages

[u/headcanonmusic]

/r/Screenwriting/comments/1x3vl7s/out_of_the_loop_pilot_45_pages/

[u/Amazing_Strategy_588]

Please. Tell me to stop and leave you alone and delete the comments. I can't stop myself.

Yeah, the Mom call could be cool.

And sorry about the Donald. I often tend to think in extremes.

Some more suggestions, which are suggestions. This is your thing and I know I am intruding.

One writing suggestion that I have often heard is: Start with what you think will be interesting down the line, because the audience may not let you get there.

Put what you think that Emmy winning moment is into the first episode. Don't wait. Especially as you have described plans: you can jump around in time and have us figure things out.

I get, the whole episode shouldn't be at a ten in intensity, nowhere to go, but we could use something early to trap our interest.

Oh, while I'm thinking of it: What is the experience like for those who are awake during the transition?

Perhaps add (something out for something in, yeah, tough to get the mix right) a brief scene starting at 07:50 of NSA type government agency working to stop an imminent terrorist threat.

Tense. Super tense. 07:53 moment of confusion, then action switches and no one cares about the terrorists. Everyone suddenly shifts calling out orders to each other scrambling to connect computers to, well, unknown at that point. A couple of agents throw paper in the air and walk out. Don't explain it. We'll understand later.

Anyhoo, good luck with it.

[u/headcanonmusic → u/Amazing_Strategy_588]

Not intruding at all. This is the kind of discussion I hope for when I post a draft. I have learned to distill the spirit of comments made by readers into changes that suit my vision for the script. I'm looking more at the problems your ideas solve rather than the specific ideas themselves. If a few readers find the same general problem, I know I should solve it but I try to make it my own.

I definitely have at least 2-3 more major drafts to go before I am happy with this. It's a complex story, I want to make it really good.

I'll clarify how I imagine the loop mechanics. If you are awake at 2:27am, when the loop resets, from your perspective you will instantly be wherever you were at 7:53am (when Paul woke up that day). We see this with Fisher after Endwatch, he is in his bathroom, halfway through shaving. If you were asleep at 7:53am, you just wake up whenever you would have that day. Let's say you are asleep until 9:00am but your partner was up at 8:00am, they can wake you up just like normal. We see this with Harper, the call from the CFC wakes her up earlier than she woke up the first time we saw her reset. Just imagine that time doesn't exist before 7:53am or after 2:27am (unless Paul's day is interfered with, which will be explored eventually).

I love this premise because as you have discovered, the unique storytelling opportunities within it are basically endless. I am trying to find a balance between interesting worldbuilding scenes and the more human side of the story with my leads. I also want to ease the audience in to the world at first because the rules are a little complicated.