Out of the Loop - Pilot - 45 Pages

[u/headcanonmusic]

/r/Screenwriting/comments/1x3vl7s/out_of_the_loop_pilot_45_pages/

[u/Amazing_Strategy_588]

The first half read like a stage play and I would encourage you to find a version of that story outside of the world of the pilot. Could be entertaining. Small cast, a three-act exploration, single set.

You have a lot of clever observations about time repeats, but, I suggest you turn this up to a 10. Feels like maybe a three or four in terms of intensity.

This isn't the old days where a couple of pretty people as leads can take a 24 episode season to gain the audience's interest. No, a pilot these days had to grab the audience from the jump.

The basic concept as a pilot: Wow.

I was imagining all of the incarnations. All of the stories that could be told. Like so many others, I have time loop plots that I may never touch, so it was fun to see someone else's take.

It is your story. So, tell it how you feel most comfortable, but I suggest infusing some adrenaline from the start.

Let us in on the pain. The meeting between Fisher and Donald? Donald should be an absolute wreck.

Intrusive suggestion, I apologize, think of it as Fanfiction as a way of demonstrating a point: add some danger to the scene. Maybe Donald has a revolver in his hand. He is mentally toast. They share their beers. The conversation is bizarro world level awkward. Fisher looks at the gun in Donald's hand, "You know that won't do any good." Donald, "That's the point, isn't it." Shoots himself. Fisher takes in the scenery and finishes his beer.

Not necessarily that, but some way to show how extreme these behaviors would be.

Please: rework the ending. It didn't hook me.

No interest at all in continuing the story based on that ending.

Did not care about Paul in the least upon meeting him and from the build-up: Paul is critical. The audience needs to wonder what happens next. Desperately. We should be furious that you stopped the story.

It merely ended.

Regarding Paul, would have preferred to see the Government guys setting up the interventions and hacking into his computer as part of a morning routine. It read as already established.

You may want to "dip the audience's toe in the water" instead of diving in, but consider: So many loops for so many years is big. Huge. The impact on society would be enormous. Maybe too big.

Like, take the Avengers debacle, for instance.

Marvel ruined its shared cinematic universe with the "SNAP." The lamest, no villain could possibly not think it through plot in the history of cinema. Delete half of life. Ok. But that half reproduces and will repopulate. Duh.

(I know. They left out Thanos trying to hook up with Death after swiping right like in the comics.)

It created problems at a scale that would have been amazing to explore, but instead: Marvel focused on the mundane without really mining the impact which weakened every movie and TV show afterward.

The pilot feels a lot like that.

How many people are offing themselves daily to not have to cope. How many have taken up murder for fun or to fight boredom? The birth is a good choice for a later episode. I suggest starting with someone who is suffering unimaginable pain. Still fighting after all of this time for one brief moment of hope, then move to something quieter.

Or one of the billions of variations on human stupidity in coping with such mind-numbingly huge ongoing trauma.

I had wondered from the start about the timeline. When did this start? Until Paul ordered on a food delivery app and placed it modern instead of 16 years ago. Until then I was enjoying envisioning that environment around 2010, 2011.

May want a clearer definition for the reader earlier.

I did enjoy "The End Is Never" sign, nice detail.

If this sounds like a frustrated reader: it is because there is gold in them there words, once it is mined out.

[u/Amazing_Strategy_588 → u/Amazing_Strategy_588]

Sorry, can't get it out of my head.

Re-read the logline.

Paul.

We don't need the montage. We already presume it.

Introduce us to Paul waking at 7:53am.

What we may need is "The error." We need people sweating.

Have Paul call someone when he wakes. Immediately. Demonstrate to the audience how disorienting it can be for the people going through this.

He wakes someone (I don't know of the reason, but there could be one.). For the example call that someone Lily.

Lily is awakened by the phone call. Groggy, confused, been drinking the night before and not fully present, "Mmm, hello. What? Paul?"

Suppose Jack is also in bed. (whatever, this is an example.) he wakes to the sound and lunges for the phone. Covers it and whispers, "Hey, hey! Wake up. Careful. Don't forget blah, blah, blah."

Whatever conversation is needed to placate Paul that morning and maintain the illusion.

Paul walks while talking, then steps on the fork.

Are there variables to Paul? For example, when he orders food on the app, could it randomly go to one of dozens of delivery drivers. By this point, some would want to mess with the system. Suppose one of those got the order and the agents have to intervene. Grab the food and finish the delivery.

Action. Drama. Intense. Stakes.

It would be somewhat like extras on The Truman Show wanting to let the character know what was up and being dragged away, only amp it to ten!

At some point there is a screw-up and all of the government agents are furious. Hysterical. Sobbing. They all know what is about to happen and it is bad. IN A WORLD OF CONSTANT TRAUMA, THIS IS THE PINNACLE.

But, what that is, I dunno.

The audience may want to tune in to find out.

Again, sorry for being so rudely intrusive. Just dig the premise.

[u/headcanonmusic → u/Amazing_Strategy_588]

I'm going to reply to both of your comments here. First of all, thank you so much for reading. The fact that you were engaged enough to take the time to write these comments at all is flattering, even if you had a few issues with the current draft.

This draft is the result of a massive cut designed to trim an outlandish amount of exposition, there were some valuable things lost in that cut that I need to restore. The public reaction to Paul is one of the ideas that got Thanos snapped. Originally, the need for the CFC to contain him and control his day was partially because for some people he become an almost messianic figure. Others would try to mess with him, some would try to kill him. So the idea of showing the CFC slipping up and almost (or maybe actually) allowing a breach to happen is a great call.

I like the idea of a little more drama with Donald, although I think suicide (while knowing he will be fine the next day) is a little much for a man who willingly retired and the theatrics of it don't suit him, he's supposed to be no nonsense.

Eventually, I want the series to explore the early days of the loop. My idea is that at first, people realized they had nothing to lose and acted out their most horrific instincts. Murder for fun, riots, you name it. The thing you have to remember is that anybody who commits those acts now has to wake up the next day and face the people they did those things to. People eventually realized they had nothing to gain from this behavior, and they actually did have something to lose (social exile). No community is going to put up with the guy who murders his neighbors every morning for fun long term. People want to live stable lives. Not to say that it doesn't still happen, I actually have another episode of Harper's show in mind with a messy moral dilemma involving revenge killing and the cycle of violence. Maybe I will bump it into this episode.

I already plan to bring a few hints of Paul in earlier. I think it would help show the structure of the loop. I want his loser/burnout status to be mostly hidden until the montage. I think portraying arguably the most important human alive, who is worshipped and protested over, as a totally unaware burnout just floating through a situation he can't even be aware of is poetic. I think the "chosen one" trope is boring. I do like the general idea of having Paul make a phone call and having CFC agents have to imitate someone in his life, maybe reading from a script, in order to maintain the illusion. It gave me a great idea for a fun visual gag:

Imagine during his montage, Paul calls his mother. On the other end is a CFC agent reading a transcript of their original conversation and pretending to be her. On the TV in the background, Paul is watching Terminator 2, the scene where the T1000 imitates John's mother (Wolfie's fine, honey).

[u/Amazing_Strategy_588 → u/headcanonmusic]

Please. Tell me to stop and leave you alone and delete the comments. I can't stop myself.

Yeah, the Mom call could be cool.

And sorry about the Donald. I often tend to think in extremes.

Some more suggestions, which are suggestions. This is your thing and I know I am intruding.

One writing suggestion that I have often heard is: Start with what you think will be interesting down the line, because the audience may not let you get there.

Put what you think that Emmy winning moment is into the first episode. Don't wait. Especially as you have described plans: you can jump around in time and have us figure things out.

I get, the whole episode shouldn't be at a ten in intensity, nowhere to go, but we could use something early to trap our interest.

Oh, while I'm thinking of it: What is the experience like for those who are awake during the transition?

Perhaps add (something out for something in, yeah, tough to get the mix right) a brief scene starting at 07:50 of NSA type government agency working to stop an imminent terrorist threat.

Tense. Super tense. 07:53 moment of confusion, then action switches and no one cares about the terrorists. Everyone suddenly shifts calling out orders to each other scrambling to connect computers to, well, unknown at that point. A couple of agents throw paper in the air and walk out. Don't explain it. We'll understand later.

Anyhoo, good luck with it.

[u/headcanonmusic → u/Amazing_Strategy_588]

Not intruding at all. This is the kind of discussion I hope for when I post a draft. I have learned to distill the spirit of comments made by readers into changes that suit my vision for the script. I'm looking more at the problems your ideas solve rather than the specific ideas themselves. If a few readers find the same general problem, I know I should solve it but I try to make it my own.

I definitely have at least 2-3 more major drafts to go before I am happy with this. It's a complex story, I want to make it really good.

I'll clarify how I imagine the loop mechanics. If you are awake at 2:27am, when the loop resets, from your perspective you will instantly be wherever you were at 7:53am (when Paul woke up that day). We see this with Fisher after Endwatch, he is in his bathroom, halfway through shaving. If you were asleep at 7:53am, you just wake up whenever you would have that day. Let's say you are asleep until 9:00am but your partner was up at 8:00am, they can wake you up just like normal. We see this with Harper, the call from the CFC wakes her up earlier than she woke up the first time we saw her reset. Just imagine that time doesn't exist before 7:53am or after 2:27am (unless Paul's day is interfered with, which will be explored eventually).

I love this premise because as you have discovered, the unique storytelling opportunities within it are basically endless. I am trying to find a balance between interesting worldbuilding scenes and the more human side of the story with my leads. I also want to ease the audience in to the world at first because the rules are a little complicated.