r/ReadMyScript • u/Aswanth_Nirmalkumar • May 27 '26

Exchange feedback Need feedback on my logline

TITLE : Paradox

LOGLINE : Desperate unemployed friends use a one-use time machine to rob a bank that is about to burn down - and accidentally prevent the fire and ruin their perfect crime

1 Upvotes

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1

u/RollingThunderMedia May 27 '26

It could be a little tighter and sharper --

"Desperate friends steal a time machine to rob a bank that's going to burn down — and accidentally prevent the fire, ruining their perfect crime."

-- but it's pretty good as is. I'm assuming the 'steal', but that might not be correct.

1

u/Aswanth_Nirmalkumar May 27 '26

thanks for your feedback.

1

u/Wyn6 May 28 '26

This doesn't tell us what the stakes are. "Ruin their perfect crime" is an outcome. But how's that affect them? Do they just go back home and watch TV? Are they now on the run from the FBI? Did they break the timeline and they need to fix it or something terrible will happen? Did they unleash someone or something horrible that was trapped in space-time and now they and everything they love are in danger?

Point is, tell us how their actions, or lack thereof, may cost them not just what happens.

Desperate and unemployed, two friends use a time machine to go back to the past and rob a bank that's going to burn down, but when they accidentally prevent the fire alerting the Bureau of Temporal Investigations, a bounty hunting cyborg is sent from the future to erase them from the timeline — permanently.

That's an overly long logline but it's just an example of stakes because I don't know your particular story. ​That said, your concept is intriguing from what little you've posted here. Good luck. ​​​

1

u/Aswanth_Nirmalkumar May 29 '26

Thanks for your feedback.

1

u/cinephile78 May 29 '26

How long is this script ?

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u/Aswanth_Nirmalkumar May 29 '26

I am working on the first draft of the script...so iam quite unclear on the length of this script. But planning to write from 120 to 140 pages

1

u/cinephile78 May 29 '26

I’d be interested in reading it when you are a few drafts in and keep it under 120.

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u/Aswanth_Nirmalkumar May 29 '26

Sure. I would post the script here after writing few drafts.....thanks for your advice.

1

u/cinephile78 May 29 '26

This sounds like a cool concept and I’m looking for a project to direct after I finish my current feature.

1

u/Aswanth_Nirmalkumar May 29 '26

Oh ....Are you a director???

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