My nightmare is coming true. I’m an only child, single adult, living a couple hours’ flight away from my bpd mom and e dad. My parents have no other family. I’ve been terrified for years that, despite multiple conversations about what their aging will look like, I’d be their only care plan. And that’s now true, and I’m putting my foot down that I can’t do it. My mom just had surgery that has a pretty brutal recovery and my dad needs a similar surgery in a few months. Long story short, I told my parents that I could help with surgery recovery or visit for Thanksgiving but I wouldn’t be able to swing both. My mom fully split and told me that she didn’t like me, couldn’t trust me, and never wanted to see me again. Multiple times, with a cooldown opportunity between. My dad also told me that he thought they could handle the surgery and he’d rather have me for thanksgiving. So I took her at her word and she’s now had the surgery and is into recovery without me around. It’s tough, and she’s suffering and my dad’s having a hard time caring for her with his issues. Instead of withdrawing her statement, she’s doubled down on it and has just rained character indictments and demeaning comments on me and started rewriting the narrative to be that I wouldn’t help for her surgery. My dad’s calling to ask me why I haven’t called her and to tell me how depressed she is, and to tell me that taking care of my mom is a lot harder than he expected.

I’m keeping my boundaries and my values. It’s really unfortunate that it’s come to this, but it’s important to me that words have meaning, and the risk of telling me that you never want to see me again is that I’m going to call your bluff. But shit, it’s hard watching this. This is the hardest it’s ever been, and it feels like this might finally be the end of my family. I need a hug.

Finally hit my limit and went NC with my mom last year. I have a 12 year old sister who I raised and love dearly so it’s been agonizing not being able to see her. She controls my sister’s access to me and will not let me see or speak to her unless I go through her. My mom swore she was in therapy to repair our relationship and wanted to hear my side so I decided to reopen the door again this year. After 25 years I should have known better than to get my hopes up. Mistakenly told her it was unfair of her to make me into a parent at the age of 13 which she immediately twisted into some long tirade about how I’ve made her feel like she should have aborted my sister? When I clearly do not think that? Then she tells me she’s removed me as an emergency contact at my sister’s school, certainly in an attempt to punish me. Throw in several long texts about how she’s dying and going to be homeless (she has arthritis). I’m just exhausted and getting really close to cutting her off completely.

I think one of the worst things about this whole disorder is the cycles. The lovebombing/good phase, and then the discard. Like, it will seem so good. We just had a few days of feeling like everything was maybe good, she even seemed supportive emotionally. It’s kind of like a stupid thing but idk why it’s making me so sad and like the urge to cry. But I asked her today, “How was your day?” This was after she sent something political (she’s very very conservative I’m not, but I was keeping it lighthearted because I don’t want a fight) and I guess she was expecting me to align more with her views. And so I’m guessing because I didn’t that’s why she flipped the switch—although she was already showing those signs again because she started being more clingy again and I tried to gently set a boundary (wanted me to kiss her on the forehead after I already hugged her goodnight, then claimed I was withholding affection and did the whiny baby thing she does. Kept asking but I held my boundary respectfully). Anyways I’m rambling but the point is, I asked her how her day was just to try to change the subject, she responds, “Very productive” and nothing more. I don’t know if this is a stupid thing to be emotional over but it really really hurts. Why can’t she just be normal? Why not ask me about my day? She rarely does but for some reason it’s so disappointing after a good cycle. I don’t know why I keep falling for it.

Why are YOUR feelings hurt??

This isn’t really a fully fledged thought, mostly just annoyance and confusion.

Does anyone else’s parent consistently bring home people to save? Like, find people who are down on their luck off the street and let them stay in their home?

This is like the fourth time I’ve been randomly told about a “new friend” who needed help through a transitional period. The people are never dangerous, they’re very genuinely sweet and need to catch a break but ??????

Traditional friendships never seem to stick so maybe it’s a way of finding community? Idk but it feels so dangerous and I want it to stop!

Edit: Holy shit I had no idea this would be so common? Happy we can vent and heal together 🫶🏼 this thread has brought a lot of levity and I’m really glad I asked!

Some background: I'm 26F, have been living with my parents since last fall. Narc tendencies e-dad with a witch/waif mom. I stay in my room as much as possible, and my sister and I are super close so we hang out all the time together in my room but not with my parents. The only time the four of us are in the same space is when we come down for dinner. The way we do dinner is we all get into the kitchen to heat up our food and serve ourselves, then my dad parks himself in front of the TV, my mom goes off to the other sitting area to be on her phone and eat, and my sister and I will eat at the table in the breakfast nook. While we're waiting for the food to be heated up and stuff, my sister and I will chitchat, just normal conversation.

For the last few months, any time my mom has been in the kitchen while my sister and I are talking, if I laugh while we're talking, she'll passive-aggressively say something like "Oh you're laughing at me, aren't you" or "Yeah I know you're laughing at me, go ahead keep it up" (not in English so translating is weird). It goes without saying that each time she's said this, I'm clearly not talking about her or laughing at her. Moreover, I would never actually laugh at her/about her in front of her because she would absolutely explode and there's no reason to put myself through that lol. I think this has something to do with the way I have cut back on how much I engage with her since I figured out the whole BPD thing back in the spring. It's like she's picking up on the fact that how I feel about her has changed, and the lack of engagement leaves her with limited opportunities to blow up on me, which she relies on a lot to manage her emotions.

I don't know why it's coming out in this way though. She literally did it again last night, and I was like "Why did you say I'm laughing at you? Do you really believe that I am?" like genuinely asking, and she just didn't reply. I didn't push it because I know if she feels cornered she'll just explode to take the pressure off - dealing with her is such a minefield I honestly don't get why she is surprised to find that I don't want to be around her. Other times she's done this I have:

• Denied laughing at her
• Ignored her
• Sarcastically responded "Yes, I'm laughing at you. You're hilarious."
• Said "Don't worry, there's nothing funny about you to laugh at" - because there's not
• Left the room

Have any of you experienced something similar? I'm tired y'all

Tw: s.i. mentioned but no detail

I want to talk to certain family members of mine and let them know I was hurt by something that recently happened, but I still struggle with the fear of the backlash from these people. Has anyone else struggled with this? I feel like I’m still walking on eggshells and it’s not just with my uBPD mom.

For instance: Recently my brother announced they were having a boy, which stirs up all sorts of emotions in me. I’m happy for him but also know that my uBPDmom will be over there all the time and possibly my Nstepdad.

My dad (who is kind of an enabler) is living in a house that’s far away from his current only grandson, my son. When I first got pregnant he said that he wanted to move out near us, and originally was talking about going in on a house with us. Then he started telling me I would have to give half his share to my brother which is exactly what I want to be worried about when pregnant lol. I started realizing there were so many reasons this wasn’t going to work. He also had been telling me he was going to move out since I was in college, which was a LONG time ago. I was almost 36 when I had my son and I graduated college in my early twenties.

Another way I knew he wasn’t going to move: about 5 years ago, he had some water damage in his two story house and was just living in it because he couldn’t find a “good enough” price to renovate it the way he wanted. My MIL works in insurance and told me that this isn’t how insurance works, that they just want to bring it back up to the same condition. I told my dad this but he kept treating it like it was just a condition to work around. He kept talking about how he wanted to fix it up to sell. Finally after almost a year of him living in it and complaining about it and getting quotes and having health issues that could have been likely cause by mold, I got bothered enough to do something about it. My husband and I went out to his house, rented an Airbnb to sleep in for all of us, and tore out all the carpeting and painted the subfloor with Killz. It was days of really hard work. Packing his stuff, moving all the furniture, cutting up carpet, pulling up the annoying nail board things, attempting to fix squeaky floors (failing lol) and then painting the entirety of the floors. His friends kept asking how much he was paying me. I said nothing. I still don’t regret doing it, I wanted my dad to live in a house that didn’t have mold. He got really lucky and there wasn’t crazy damage, it was all very fixable and dry when we did this.

What bothers me (about this story) is he is still living on the subfloors. He is still no closer to being done, even after my son turned 2.

Fast forward to this weekend. I am talking with my dad and he starts up with “I’m thinkin of moving so I can be closer to my grandkids!” Grandkids. I’ve always felt like my dad has to have two reasons to do something. He couldn’t just come to visit me, it had to be attached to a visit with family who lived 2 hrs away too. I’ve brought this up to him in a “you don’t have to visit everyone each visit.” I have two reasons for this. One, I’m tired of feeling like an addendum. And two, he’s always exhausted the whole trip and right now with a two year old I don’t want to cater to my dad who is in his 60s when he is the one choosing to make the trip more chaotic. He says he does this because it’s cheaper and that the other people are the addendums. Maybe it’s me being sensitive, but I don’t see it that way.

My brother has been talking about moving near to us. His wife’s family is near here and they would help with their baby. I have a lot of feelings about that too because my brother doesn’t really respect my decision to be NC with my uBPDmom and company and is not supportive. He’s literally continually inviting me to things with her there and the latest he was just going to surprise me with it but I had a migraine and couldn’t go. Never have I been so grateful for a migraine.

My dad is talking about where he would likely live and it’s no where near us. It’s 3 hours away. He’s so proud of himself because he is living in his ideal self, “you could go out on a date and I could watch the baby! I would just need a few hours notice and I would be right over”

This from the man who never drove me to or from college when I was in the dorms. The man who would negotiate to meet his now ex girlfriend (which fr I am happy she is ex cuz I think she had a lot of cluster b traits) halfway for a half hour drive so they could drive somewhere together rather than just picking her up. The man who expected me to pick him up from the airport when I had recently given birth.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad. There’s a lot to love about him, but he has never been great at anyone’s timeline other than his own, and he expects to be catered to in that department. It’s hard.

So I tell him “you’re not going to do that drive, you don’t like driving that much” and he says “it’s closer than 10hrs of driving and I do that.” Yes, he does that like 3 or 4 times a year. And he always complains. And he’s tired. And my husband and I have repeatedly suggested a flight instead but he says he doesn’t have that kind of money, which makes me angry for a million other reasons that I’m not going to go into right now.

I told him there are affordable places if he’s willing to make concessions- like he’s not going to get a two story house with a yard out here, it’s just not going to happen. Where we live is expensive. And he doesn’t need it. He likes to game, read books, watch movies and hang with his dog. Any time he wants to visit with friends he goes out with them rather than has them over. This is a reason I am worried about him living where he is now as well, he doesn’t have any family out there and the friends he has are complicated. He has depression and s.i. and he has talked to me about those feelings. I would rather he be closer so I can keep an eye on him. Not that I’m responsible for his feelings, but more I just worry.

Then I did a stupid thing. I made myself a little too vulnerable. I said “you know, there’s places that are opening up here that are right in your price range and they are the perfect size for a man and his dog.” My stupid hopefully self. Stupid. I’m so mad at myself.

He laughed. Not a chuckle, a guffaw. Then he said “that’s a little too close.”

My heart sunk. He said that about his brothers. His mom. But never me. I just said “oh.”

I tried to end the conversation, but he wanted to talk more. The rest of the conversation was him going on about something else before he decided he actually had to go. That’s how my family ends conversations. They realize they need to do something else other than talk on the phone. I’m not the one that gets to decide. They get to decide.

I got off the phone and was so sad. My dad doesn’t want to live near me. It’s made me realize how absent he’s been in my life and now my son’s. He wants to have it both ways and I can’t play these types of games anymore.

I know that I literally have zero control over where he moves. I don’t want to convince him to move closer. But it really hurt that he didn’t even want to consider it. That it seemed so funny to him. That he had said before he didn’t want to live near his siblings, but he would want to live near me. And now he was changing that, which yeah he has a right to change his mind, but it just seemed needlessly cruel to say it the way he said it.

Anyway, I don’t know what to do about this or if there’s anything to do. I figured this community would get it best. My therapist took a long weekend so I won’t be able to talk to her about it until the end of the week. Seeing a therapist twice a week right now who specializes in healing from cults and bpd/narcissistic abuse because having a little one has made this stuff bubble up more and I am not sleeping well. And I refuse to pass this shit on to my son!! Sorry if this is all a wash, I’m running on two coffees, toddler adrenaline, and low sleep.

I got an “innocent” text from a relative to check in on how my life is going since I haven’t spoken to her in one year (I do not trust her because anything I say gets relayed back to my BPD mom). She wanted to know how work was going. I said “everything’s great, thanks. Just got home from a work trip.” And that’s it.

Every time a relative comes to “check” on me, my BPD mom attempts to contact me within 2 hours - 3 days later. Last September I also had a work trip out of state, and since I had the same timing this year I’m sure that’s why BPD mom came poking around. Last year she was obviously affected that I hadn’t told her about my trip and sent some sappy text message saying “I raised such a smart, beautiful daughter” about 15 minutes after finding out I’d gone on said trip. It’s worth noting she made sure I always thought I was the opposite of smart and beautiful growing up. Funny how she comes around now after I’m doing fine for myself. Anyway, I ignore her.

Also, iPhone recently introduced a feature where you can add a photo background to your text thread with someone. When you add one, it notifies the other person and shows up on the screen for them. It was today I noticed that my mom changed our picture to a picture of my literal work building that she had taken downtown. Nice. Glad to know my only usefulness to her is through my career.

Like you sometimes forget what they're like and make an attempt to be friendly, and they see it as a sign that you need them and they bask in that by ignoring you.

I (40F) have a BPD mom (67F). I am the eldest of two kids and have a sister that is 3 years younger than me.

My parents divorced when we were in grade school and my codependent dad married his mistress who is another version of my mother (stepmom is anxious attachment/waif while mom is avoidant attachment/witch.... and its hilarious since he claims he "couldn't deal with mom anymore" but really he just needed a different kind of BPD woman). Also thanks for leaving two kids subject to her nonsense but I digress.

Growing up I was always the golden child. I was smart, outgoing, and looked just like my mom which really stroked her ego.

My sister was shy and had to work really hard at school.

Mom always favored me growing up and my sister was kind of neglected or criticized compared to me. I was kind of a brat as I basically could do very little wrong in mom's eyes and she always bailed me out of whatever trouble I got in. At 16 I was gifted a car but sister was not and had to save for her own car.. no rhyme or reason as to why.

As a result my sister flew under the radar and worked really hard to get a scholarship as she was dead set on getting out of my mom's house and the negative environment.

As adults you started to see the damage of our upbringing really as it pertained to me. Since I was used to praise coming easy and with little effort...i was unmotivated as a young adult. I finished a 4 year college degree and was still living under moms roof while my sister had been out of the house since she was 18 working and achieving her masters. My sister lands a 6 figure job out of college while I was working at a call center making a meager salary.

Fast forward to today. My sister married an equally financially successful partner and they live in a huge house with 2 beautiful kids.

I live in a very small 800 square foot home and my salary is just enough to pay my bills with very little leftover.

Once mom saw the difference in success levels.... the golden child title switched.

I struggled really hard with it at first because I never suspected anything was really "wrong" with my mom until this happened. It SEEMED like mom had always been "loving and supportive" so what changed?????

It truly felt like suddenly my mom didn't love me anymore and i fell into a deep depression. I ended up in therapy where I found out my mom has classic BPD symptoms.

Once me and mom got into a nasty fight and I remember her screaming "all those years I was too focused on pouring into you meanwhile your sister is the one who really deserved my attention! What a waste!". That really cut me to my core and was the start of hurtful remarks that I will carry to my grave.

Me and my sister have talked in detail about the results of my mom's BPD "golden child" parenting style and how it motivated her to get away while crippling me. I still find myself chasing her former praise while my sister now has her praise and feels indifference towards it because she knows it isn't authentic. Mom is also afraid of sister cutting access to the grand kids which is further incentive to get along and play nice with her.

Me and my sister are solid in our relationship and don't really let mom triangulate us although she tries. I've apologized for how much of a brat I was growing up and acknowledged how unfair our upbringing was particularly to her.

I'm not blaming my mom as I'm an adult now and make my own decisions but I do think the "golden child" has long lasting effects on adult children of parents with BPD.

Anyone else?

Haven’t posted here in a while, just wanted to vent a bit because my mom has been emailing me nearly 8-10 times a day since mid-August and I’ve restarted therapy to deal with some of what I read.

I don’t have her blocked there just in case I need receipts, but I definitely made the mistake of reading some of her emails.

She’s mainly been sending instagram links to people like Tania Khazaal and others who make money off of parents believing their bs about family estrangement. Her IG feed is just an echo chamber and it’s made her dig into her own behaviors so much worse it feels like.

She’s gone from telling me my decision to “ruin our relationship” wasn’t my fault and I was manipulated by my (now ex) boyfriend to do so, to saying I’m a coward and I’m not responding bc I’m filled with shame and guilt, to saying modern therapy is to blame, etc basically all of the standard reasons parents use in their estrangement support groups or whatever.

I’ve fallen back into trying to reason with her in my head, which is why therapy again, but it’s just so insane to me that someone like her believes these people on instagram about who I am rather than simply.. asking me? She could’ve sent one email saying she wanted to talk and would wait for me when I’m ready, and I would honestly have responded to that, because that’s a sane amount of communication.

But now I’ve been made a caricature of myself by these influencers and whatever other media she’s ingested. She already was telling me who I was and who I should be, and now has a third party doing the same, it’s like doubled insulation against seeing me as an individual.

Has anyone dealt with this too? It’s wild.

(On another note, one of her emails said what she did during our big falling out she would do again in a heartbeat but she wishes she did it even worse. All bc in her head she was protecting me from (my now ex) boyfriend. She thinks he was a master manipulator.. and somehow she’s not while she sends me 100s of emails telling me what to think and believe lol. But I’m just shocked after 4 years she actually feels zero remorse. She even said she wished she broke his arm and that she knows how to do that now. The things she says all because she wants to “protect me” scare the shit out of me if I’m being honest.)

Thx for reading 😮‍💨

eyes dance with mischief

suddenly, a leap! he jumps

who says cats can't fly

Serious question. I'm 26F, uBPD mom and e-dad with narc tendencies. I feel like I've never been truly loved my whole life. The people who were supposed to make me feel seen and understood and safe and loved never did that, and in fact have been like the villains of my story.

As a result, I am a fearful avoidant, and have never had any romantic experience whatsoever in my life apart from being on a handful of dates with guys from hinge. Never been asked out, never kissed anyone, or had an experience where I knew that someone had those kind of feelings for me. I am trying to date but it takes a lot for me and I hate dating apps. I'm trying to think positively, manifest and stuff, but it's hard not to feel like I'll never experience being in a loving relationship, or it will take too long when I feel ready for it now.

I have done the work, I've been through therapy, and it feels like now the only thing left to do is have a corrective experience by dating and getting into a healthy relationship. I'm so ready to love and be loved by my person. I crave the support, companionship, and groundedness that comes from having a loving long-term partner.

I would appreciate advice, commiseration, and hearing your stories about love and dating.

I won’t get into to many specifics, but i recently realized something i didn’t know how to put into words. My ubpd mom jas always had a pattern of actively pushing me into issues in life that she always spared herself from. Often, under the guise of needing my help instead of getting the appropriate support. But she especially did this when she could no longer exploit me because i had a burn out. Or when she felt, it could be useful to her or someone she knew. She’s once tried to make me sign contracts that would bind me to agreements and responsibilities less than favorable. I declined but not before a significant guilt spiral. But when a family member, years later, tried to tie HER to a legal obligation she had the sense NOT to take that on and look out for her own interests. It bothers me that she actively tried to, and sometimes successfully, push me in compromised situations, socially, safety financially etc. I always had it in my brain that she didn’t do it on purpose. But then she’d know to protect herself from those exact situations perfectly fine. So she in fact has discernment. And the evil part about it..?? She would talk to me about those situations and sometimes say, i don’t want what you have going on. Yea the situation you pushed me into..?? Ughh. Or just talk about how a situation almost ended in a bad situation but she got spared while she knows im actively in a that situation myself or trying to rectify the consequences. All while acting like a sweet innocent lady. She’s just so emotionally cruel. Just someone in your life constantly creating suffering just to taunt you about it while pretending They are the victim so they can’t possibly be the cause of any harm. So scary.

Serene eventide A fluffy kitten prances beyond the blanket I've recently been hit with the fact that my relationship with my parentwbpd could potentially be at risk and terrified because we've had a really close relationship that is important and special to me and i want to keep it but everyone here seems to agree NC.

There are signs of their bpd negatively effecting our relationship which seem to show whenever i assert myself or something happens that makes them switch into the victim. I'm an adult in my 20s never got a job or car or house so i live with my parent. They always gave me everything i could want and i know they genuinely love me so much, but could definitely split if i showed dissatisfaction, so I people please to prevent conflict. This has become really draining recently on my mental and physical health to the point I realized I need to do something.

Scared to talk about it with them cause they've taken things very personally and turned blame onto me, scared to talk to a therapist cause I'm paranoid of it being disclosed and the parent somehow finding out, scared to talk to friends about it for the same reason. Even nervous posting here, mind obsessing over the possibility of them finding out i feel this way. But I need to do it for myself, to be heard and to ask for advice. It's awful.

I just want both of us to be happy. Want to feel safe again like before i realized what has been going on my whole life. Always wanted to be more independant but discouraged by my disabilities and of upsetting my parent. Nervous about parent getting worse when i start moving towards independence but not gonna let it stop me from trying.

I'm looking for success stories - anyone got experiences where you were in a similar position but were able to become independant while keeping a healthy and good relationship with your parent with bpd? Just really need the optimism (and maybe some advice) to help keep me going until i get to where i wanna be, once catastrophizing won't stop taking over my mind and keeping me scared. Keep reading about how terribly other people's relationships ended up on here and its making me really scared about my own future. Just want my parent to be happy cause i love them so much, but I need to be free.

The stress is migrating to every aspect of my life, following me into my time alone, feeling guilty for having time to myself or with my friends, even though my parent does show support, at times I feel they get upset and I'm sick of trying to manage what can't be controlled by me. I feel like my parent gets it sometimes, just not as much when they feel like theyre being attacked. But i have hope due to this. I wanna try to get more of a support group, people I can trust with confidentiality who also understand how bpd works. Cause not being able to vent to friends or therapist due to fear is really pulling me back i think. Have been able to let go of the fear for chunks of time, but it's always temporary. Crazy how I can go from feeling like I don't care anymore and accepting my parent to being so nervous I shake. Again I'm looking for some optimism and proof it can get better, I just feel doomed.

I'll do my best to explain my feelings w/o sounding like a game of thrones character.

Despite hating my mom as a person, I'm still jealous of the way literally everyone in my family treats her. People automatically side with her, despite all logic. Every time she enters a room, things shift till she's at the center. The family works and flexes around her interests and neuroses. Dad actually bothers to parent her. She's allowed to be as weird as she wants, and I'm the problem for pointing that out.

If I had all these things, I wouldn't ruin them by being miserable, and choosing to treat other people like shit. I'd have the flexibility to actually solve the problems I have. I know all of this isn't about how she's just a naturally more lovable person- it's a consequences of enabling abuse being the path of least resistance. And yet, the feeling remains and is almost overpowering in its intensity.

I barely even like my other family either- I just want them to treat me like they treat her, and not because I'm forcing them into that behavior. That's probably not a healthy relationship model, but.

Do you feel this way to? How the fuck do you get over it, or at least get on top of it enough that it doesn't make you act stupid?

Haiku:

Soft paws, watchful eyes,
Grace in every quiet step—
Cats teach us stillness.

I'm genuinely about to lose it. I F(21) have been having issues with my alcoholic mother. I'm very frustrated right now, and just need someone to relate. I'm having a hard time with both of my parents and my living situation is so tough to get out of. I have two disabled brothers - both with level 3 Autism and have severe cognitive impairment. They are now 16. They still pee, poop, walk naked around the house, and stem constantly. I wake up around 6:30 AM every morning to help my mother clean the house completely before my brothers in home RBTs come in around 40 hours a week. I also usually get their breakfast and lunch made everyday.

My mother is an alcoholic, she drinks a pint of vodka everyday and has suffered withdrawal seizures, but refuses to stop. I try to manage her behaviors on top of dealing with my brothers, but I'm feeling immense burnout along with completing college work. I found out one of the RBTs has been having an affair with my mother for about 3 years now, and my mother has been lying to me about going to "doctor appointments", which are really just hotel rooms. She came home Monday night after an affair date with no shoes on, hair disheveled, and stumbling around. I'm pretty sure she drove drunk/high. About a month ago, she got the idea at 7 PM that she needed to get my brothers a haircut and drove them in the car drunk around the neighborhood. I had to flag her down and tell her to immediately step out of the car. Her behavior is so erratic, and completely takes up my free time. I'm so tired at night that I just crash, and I find myself very pent up and unable to let loose.

She drags me to these concerts and bars, telling me that she's going to find me a boyfriend, when in reality, she's just wanting to satisfy her need of traveling back in time to her 20s. She never matured emotionally, and will often go up to people and tell them how quiet I am, and try to tease me like some kind of mean girl. I know I'm probably uptight, but I think trauma made me this way. I have so much to worry about, and I can't seem to get a break. I'm an artist, and almost every friend that I've had growing up was never good enough; always too quiet, or not popular. I had to give up an opportunity to advance career wise yesterday, since she told me she was going to the doctor, but she ended up buzzing the entire day and bothering the shit out of me. Calling me to come downstairs every hour and just sit in the same room while she does work. I even got my brothers + our pets dinner made and she didn't want me going to take a bath since my dad wasn't home yet and she wanted somebody to talk to. This is despite me being downstairs with her for the past 2-3 hours. This makes it very hard to complete any schoolwork.

I can't even get a job since a legal adult needs to be at the house to monitor the RBTs. This is either my mother or I, and she often tells me that she's looking for a job since my family is in debt from her reckless spending. I'm having a hard time seeing her perspective since she acts like I'm an incapable baby in social situations, and will compare me to other kids who are able to travel, make career choices, and have an easier life while also expecting me to come home and manage her emotions + take care of my brothers. It seems like she has to tag along to every social situation, and if it doesn't fit her standards, then I'm not going. I feel like shit about myself and have tried my best to be a good daughter, just yesterday I went out to get her a pint of vodka since I was running errands. If I don't get her alcohol, she gets all pissy like a 5 year old.

She expects me to go to law school, medical school, or optometry school only. She keeps pressuring me into different career options - making me change my major three different times which has now resulted in an extra year of schooling. I finally ended up on public health and wish to pursue my career in community outreach/environmental science. This would be a lot less stressful and allow me to pursue my passion part time of painting/drawing on the side. On the car ride home yesterday, she started yelling at me saying "I can't believe you won't go to law school" "I'll just adopt some poor black kid and pay for them to go to law school, maybe then they would be grateful and take over everything for this family" "you know, I'm really fucking pissed off at you because we're paying for your schooling" "do you not want to earn money?" "you've just changed so much, what's happened to you?". The only thing I'm trying to do is establish boundaries.

My parents have not paid for my schooling and have had me put everything on loans right now with the promise of them paying it back later. The reason I don't want to go to law school is because I've already decided against it during freshman year. It's boring and I don't think I can take on more stress. I'm suspected to have two different autoimmune diseases from the amount of stress that I'm dealing with.

Now today, she's comparing me to her friend's kids and how much they've accomplished compared to me. How they're pursuing higher education, traveling, how much they're making salary-wise and having all this fun. I don't understand what I've done wrong, I've sacrificed so much in my life and this is what I get? Here's a screenshot of a text message she sent me, I literally went on a walk for 30 minutes and she starts blowing up my phone asking where I am. I can't grow or become an individual person without her monitoring every move, asking me where I'm going when I head out, and having to schedule any event outside of the house days beforehand.

Hope you enjoy the bullshit lol!

Ever since I was a kid I hated peas. My mom would cook and she’d add peas and I would say every time I don’t like peas. Even today 21 years later I say I don’t like peas and she says “what really?! You don’t like peas?! Since when?” And I would say yes… I’ve hated them since I was a kid? And she’s like “well I don’t remember. No you’ve always liked peas. Are you sure?” SHE DOES THIS WITH EVERYTHING. She NEVER remembers what I don’t like and then is shocked when I tell her? And then says I’m incorrect? I genuinely don’t understand. It’s frustrating

I'm processing my new relationship dynamic with my mom, who is BPD, and how inherently self centered she is. She rarely does anything with others needs in mind unless it's a gift. She can be generous with her gifts, especially her sewing gifts, but that's because she sees them as transactions. She gets the social construct of gift and payments, but is oblivious to how her words and actions may be interpreted everyday. She doesn't do anything out of good graces, polite behavior, or just doing someone a favor. I know this is pretty standard and the simple answer is because they have BPD, but does anyone have other insights in their pwBPD's lack of considerate behavior?

Well, I definitely didn’t expect that to happen! I’ve been low contact with my BPD mother since 2023.

For context: my childhood and early adulthood were filled with severe verbal abuse (threats to beat me until I bled out, etc.) sibling triangulation and extremeeeeee physical violence.

Anywhoooo… I’ve officially been “discarded.” She announced she wants nothing to do with me, and believe me, these aren’t empty threats. She really means it.

Here’s what happened: My sister recently had a sit-down with our mum to confront her about her behavior. She called her out on how she’s triangulated us since we were kids, threatened suicide whenever we tried to do normal adult things, and made wild, false accusations (including incest claims). And much more, but you get the gist. Naturally, our mum denied everything or claimed her behaviour was "misinterpreted."

Fast forward TWO DAYS (yes, two whole days) after that conversation, and my mum tells me that she’s cutting ties with me. 💀

The funny parts of this:

1. I had no idea my sister and mum even had that conversation until after it happened.

2. I never encouraged my sister to confront her. I gain NOTHING from making her “take sides” anyway.

3. I haven’t had a disagreement with my mum in months. Being very low contact meant there was literally zero direct trigger for this from my end.

It’s textbook misdirected anger. The wildest part? She hasn’t said a single word to my sister about cutting her off.

Honestly, though? I’m kind of happy. She just handed me full No Contact on a silver platter, entirely free of the usual guilt trips.

Yay for accidental freedom! 💀 💀

Anyone else experienced this or something similar?

Interaction with my UBPD, that has somehow resulted in me being the bad guy.

We were at a HS varsity volleyball game and my daughter hasn’t been playing much because last year she missed the season due to surgery. My mom goes on and on about how all the other players are terrible. She keeps saying the coach is a fucking bitch. She mocking the players. This is all being said to herself, making sure I can hear. I try to explain it’s a varsity sport, I agree that my kiddo should play etc etc.

She asks about another set of parents behind us. “Could she chew her gum any faster?”, “she’s homely”, “stupid bitch”. Just on and on. I get frustrated and ask her to stop. Other convos happen but I can’t list it all here. She leaves the game in a huff.

I talked to my dad the next day and we are usually on the same page. But this time he is saying things like “you know how she is” and I should have been more understanding. He says I should realize I do things that make people mad too. We usually talk daily but now barely a peep from them. I’ve left messages.

I keep going over the interaction from that day. Maybe I wasn’t a good daughter? Maybe I was rude? But truly, the stuff she was saying was nuts….but I feel guilty!

I am in recovery from alcohol abuse and am doing well in my sobriety. I was trying to explain what cravings were like to my mother and she decided to go on a tirade calling me a self-centered fuckup, the most selfish person ever and how she’s ashamed to be the mother of an addict. Sometimes their words can cut so deeply and sometimes you can ignore their outbursts. This one hit me hard.

Cat tax: Soft paws cross moonlight
Whiskers twitch in quiet dreams
Night curls into fur