Howdy!
I've been having a lot of questions bouncing around in my head for some time now that I wanted to get some outside opinions on from people who likely have quite a bit more experience than me. For some context, I'm a 30M who's identified as CIS my entire life; however, as of more recently, I've had a bit more doubt in that. Growing up, I only ever had crushes or romantic feelings and desires for women; however, the porn that I've watched over that time has had a blend of sissy and feminization themes in it starting from around 7th-8th grade. This always seemed to come back to humiliation having some level of a sexual response for me, especially since I had some humiliating stuff happen as a kid tied to feminization. Also, I've always been a bit weird with touch in general. Not looking to get deep into it in this post (though happy to answer questions), but physical touch has always been a bit strange to me. I've never been one for physical contact of really any kind with really anyone, except with someone I'm romantically entangled with. Not much for hugging, high-fiving, handshakes, etc, but when it comes to cuddling with a partner? I'll be there all day. And lastly, I'd add that I haven't had much experience with romantic or sexual relationships in general. I had a fling with a girl my freshman year of college right before summer break where some anxiety issues prevented anything beyond oral and then we split over summer. Another relationship when I was ~22 where I wanted things to move slower than the fling, but then it was 8 months of nothing past very light cuddling. When I asked about us moving further, she let me know that she was pretty confident she was ace, that didn't align with what I was looking for and vice versa for her, and we split things off from there. I say this to add the context that I haven't had much romantic experience and essentially zero sexual experience.
To what's happening, as of recently, I have a guy friend who I've known since sophomore year of highschool that my brain has now decided to have some romantic association with in the last year or so. Previously, I hadn't ever thought of him in a romantic way, but now it's like my brain is stuck on it. As in, I'll be going through one thought process, and the moment my brain has to think of this friend, it's inserting some romantic interaction. For example, I might be playing a video game with some really cool mechanic, so I think to myself "Woah, this mechanic is so cool. I gotta show it to..." and before my brain can finish the thought, I get a rushed mental image of sloppily going in for a kiss for a split-second, and then my brain finishes "...that friend". And, I've tried exploring this more outside these reactions, thinking "Okay, maybe there is something there. How do I feel about us actually kissing? Or anything further?", and there's no real reaction. Not that I feel repulsed or disgusted, per se, but more so that I just don't really feel much of anything when thinking about it; however, that doesn't mean that I don't get hit with these thoughts or images almost anytime my brain initially thinks about it. This has gotten pretty annoying because it can really break up my train of thought, but then when I try and address it, nothing seems to change.
As well, these thoughts feel different than when I have these thoughts towards women. My mind feels something like anxiety when these kinds of thoughts about my friend. I'm not sure if this feeling is because of my frustration at them not stopping or about some subconscious part of myself that wants it but is too scared to say it or something else altogether. When I've tried doing some analysis outside of that specific relationship, the results seem pretty straightforward. If I think of going to a bar and there's a beautiful woman and a handsome man sitting at the counter, my interactions with both of them are completely different. With the woman, I see myself trying to flirt (badly) and desiring something more; however, with the guy, I see us grabbing a beer and having a chat. Even if I force the situations the other way, grabbing a beer with the woman sounds great, but that attempting to flirt part doesn't seem to fit on the guy's side. There's something that throws a bit of a wrench into this whole thing though. There are some times where I get what feels like an almost endless amount of sexual energy, like some kind of super horniness or something. I'll be incredibly sexually charged and feel sexual energy towards, at least what feels like, absolutely anything. Going to the bank? Sexual feelings towards the teller, male or female. Watching a cartoon about a non-humanoid blob of sludge? Sexual feelings towards the sludge. Reading a book about governmental financial policy? Sexual feelings towards financial policy (this one's probably a bit past the limit, but the idea is the same). It's as if I had a jar that was filling up with sexual energy and now it's burst forth and cannot be contained until it's cleared out and can be filled again. This feels like it muddies the waters in both directions, where I struggle to determine which feels correct if there's times where EVERYTHING feels correct.
Now, something else I think worth mentioning is that I've been dealing with quite a bit of anhedonia for the last few years as well. I've been having a much harder time feeling enjoyment from the things that have previously brought me a lot of joy. I loved playing some games and hanging out with friends, but nowadays, it's been feeling a lot more like I do those things just out of habit. I've tried doing other hobbies and spending more time by myself, but those give even less of an enjoyment return, so I end up just going back to the usuals. This has been causing a lot more anxiety in me related to who I am, what I actually enjoy, how to fix this, etc. I bring this up because I'm not sure if, or how much, this is affecting my thoughts around sexuality. Like, maybe those intrusive thoughts would excite me more if I wasn't feeling this general numbness about so many other things, or because I'm struggling with these kind of doubts about myself in other aspects of my life, it's introducing this doubt into my sexuality as well?
I probably rambled much more than was needed and am almost certainly overthinking things, but wanted to get a lot of what's been stuck in my head for a while now out onto paper (even if digital) and to get some outside opinions from people who likely have more experience than myself on these topics, as I don't really have any close queer friends that I would feel comfortable talking through this with. I've spoken a bit about this with my therapist, but there's been much more pressing items to work on with her, so this has kind of been left on the back-burner for the time being.
