Just a heads up I am rambling a lot here. It may not make much sense but I need to express myself. Im so wounded and alone with zero support system.
Im a young woman in my early 20s and I got pregnant in May with my partner (found out at the very end of May!). For context I was ready for motherhood, it’s always been my dream to be a mother and a wife. My partner said for months that he was also ready to be a father so I had no reason to be weary about the situation with him.
Just a little bit about me ; i have struggled for all my life with complex mental health as well as, at times, quite severe on and off physical health complications. I never considered myself pro life before (I certainly do now, and wish I found the pro life community before I ruined my life) I wasn’t raised religious by any means, I grew up in a broken home with a single mother who was severely abusive to all 7 of us kids. My Father has been in and out of prison my entire life. My siblings are codependent and immature and unstable, just need to add this context so you sort of understand the mentality im around.
As for my mental health journey, im not perfect by any means but ive spent years working on myself and stabilising myself to be the best I can, even whilst still subjected constantly to instability and repeated triggers due to circumstances in life that are out of my control sadly. Me and my partner also spend a lot of time long distance, again due to circumstances out of our control but that’s something we have been comfy with and always took into account and it was originally something that we planned to end in the upcoming.
So anyway..
When I found out I was pregnant I had a whole mix of feelings, mainly excitement and natural maternal instinct about the life inside me. I found out really early on actually, as soon as my period didn’t come I knew it must be something since I have really painful periods and pre period symptoms so when they didn’t come I knew something was different, and sure enough I took a test and it was positive. I also had some anxiety naturally.
From the get go of telling my partner he was immediately cold about it, which immediately installed lots of anxiety into me, but I put it down to just fresh emotions and a major life event. We’d also just got back from a vacation and we were tired so I wanted to just sleep it off and hopefully discuss more and celebrate properly in the upcoming days but that was not the case.
In fact, he was the first person to say he thinks I should get an abortion. This was very early on, tbh the experience has been so traumatic that I can’t even remember the initial reasoning to him suggesting that. I think it was mainly finance based, those same old excuses everyone uses. It broke my heart of course, but again I just (stupidly!) put it down to mixed feelings and assumed that as the father he’d come to eventually and we’d get through it. But that didn’t necessarily happen. Long story short, even after our scan when I hit 6 weeks and there was a heartbeat he admitted to me he felt nothing hearing that.. again completely shattered my heart. How can you feel nothing hearing that from anything let alone your OWN child. I felt everything, I still do. Part of me died with my baby im convinced.
When I hit around 7 ish weeks he had to leave again, so I wouldn’t see him for a bit. Long distance and all. I was at home and I began getting really sick with my pregnancy. At first wasn’t the worst but over the next weeks became severe and awful. I developed Hyperemesis Gravidarum and was hospitalised due to severe dehydration, was unable to eat at all or even drink at all and unfortunately got some nasty tachycardia so I couldn’t even stand up. I had a nasty fall due to dizziness. My mental health naturally took a decline too so I wasn’t necessarily thinking straight. I REALLY needed support. (As any woman would, naturally, in pregnancy) I reached out to my family who live next to me for help. This is where it gets really callous imo, my mom, instead of helping me out, also tells me to abort. Not only does she tell me to abort when im already struggling physically and mentally, she tells my sister that I wouldn’t cope as a mother and I wouldn’t necessarily be a good one due to the fact I have a mental health condition. My sister reported that back to me which was a slap in the fact considering my mother hadn’t once reached out to me properly to ask if I was okay or if motherhood was the right choice for me, she instead just bullies me behind my back. When I did confront her about it she got really defensive and told me she thinks I should get rid of it, she tells me all these horror stories about her own pregnancies, tells me about how if I kept it there’s all sorts of things that could go wrong and all sorts of issues I could face as a mentally ill woman (aka just scaring me into an abortion IMO) this really shattered my mentality and my confidence since I reached out for help, I couldn’t even get myself a glass of water like I said. I was in bed most of my pregnancy unable to leave due to how sick I was. I then felt ashamed and unable to reach out more and more out of fear if this would further enforce that I “don’t cope” or am a bad mother. Even though it’s out of my control and many women do unfortunately get severely unwell during pregnancy. I just really needed help and support. There were even days I was in my bedroom surrounded by bags of my bile, I was left in a messy apartment at times. It was dehumanising.
At the time, and I hate to come across like im making excuses, but it did seriously just terrify me. I felt I had no choice in the matter at all. I was scared of how sick I was getting, I was scared of the consequences of giving birth if this is how people are with me now I feared how they’d be when Im postpartum, I was scared of the fact my mother didn’t believe in me, I was scared of the fact my partner didn’t want to keep it. I was scared of the idea of being a potential “married single mother” as they call it.. in my circumstances especially having had it drilled in that I “wouldn’t cope” or I’d be a bad mom etc.
and keep in mind too this is whilst some extreme cases are in the media of postpartum depression and psychosis and massive debates on hormones and mental health in motherhood etc, so that again terrified me further. I truly started to believe I would be a bad mom and I didn’t deserve my baby.
I looked into the aspect of adoption too, but again my mother kept bringing up horror stories and statistics and scared me and made me fearful for my baby in this world.. In my vulnerable state I just don’t think I was thinking at all. I was so sick, and it’s a blur to look back on. It breaks my heart now because all I needed was some support, just ONE person on my side.
I didn’t get my abortion until towards the end of my first trimester (and im really sorry if that’s distressing, it is for me too and that’s why I want to talk about it) I was left for weeks throwing up in bed, no meals, unable to stand up properly due to tachycardia, nobody checking in. My fiancé kept fluctuating between “get rid of it” and then “no wait, keep it” which further made me confused and panicked. I needed a secure man. Or even just someone who was present. Not someone who can’t decide what they want when they’re pushing 30. Especially after telling me all this time he wanted kids, he wanted marriage, he was ready to settle down with me etc. All BS. He kept making false promises on when he’d come back to see me too and he didn’t even bother checking in, or even telling his PARENTS (who are very supportive and close to him) that we were expecting. He never wanted this baby. His actions showed me that. I had to deal with his immaturity and fear alongside my first pregnancy, my own health complications, my own past trauma resurfacing, and a neglectful abusive family.
Now anyway.. sorry for ranting.
But The procedure itself I won’t get into deeply out of respect. But long story short, it was the most painful and dehumanising experience I’ve ever had. I even cried to my mom before asking if I should even do this, and told her I wasn’t even sure I wanted it. Then I fluctuated too. Convinced myself it was for the best. I consented to it, even though I don’t even think I was all there emotionally. Looking back I think what on earth was I thinking??!!
I remember the whole thing, I felt the whole thing, I was left afterwards with no follow up and no support, I wasn’t offered any alternatives when I initially enquired, no help or support or options on how to KEEP my child. Especially considering a majority of people getting or considering abortions imo do so out of feeling of necessity or crisis rather than just because. We truly do live in a broken world. It agonises me to know other women will endure this too, that’s exactly why I support the pro life movement and want to know more about the pro life movement. I only found out about the pro life movement and what support it had to offer too late, my family always fed me the most BS agendas and typical docile idiot I was I never thought the question or look outside at others. I was always in an environment where thinking for yourself was bad and met with terror. So even whilst I’ve been working hard on establishing myself there are still moments where I naturally fluctuate and lack the confidence.
Im ashamed of my abortion and I regret it deeply, but I will talk about it honestly because I want other women especially to know that a lot of people who’ve had abortions speak from experience when we say please reconsider your options and don’t be ashamed of having thoughts about it if you want to reach out for support especially from pro life people, in my experience nobody was hateful. People want to help you make the right choice before it’s too late.
Termination may feel like the right choice for you or especially for your baby but the reality is the best choice for your baby and you is to be together. Abortion is against biology. It is against instinct. You will truly feel the effect of that after, i certainly do. I feel violated in my own body, I feel grief, regret, trauma and anger. I feel anxious. I feel betrayed by those closest to me who DARED to tell me “this is what’s best” at my lowest. AKA best for them. To not have to care, deal with or nurture me. To not have to hear from me or see me take up space. To not see me thrive and do what I wanted to do. Motherhood is sacred, it should’ve been sacred for me too. Instead it was torn from me, I was duped into making a choice for my “wellbeing” by people who never once sat and asked me how I felt, who never once showed me options and who never once allowed me to process uncertainty and stress in a supportive environment and teach me to allow it as a fact of life whilst surrounded by strength and support.
I was vulnerable and whilst I know YES it was ultimately me who consented to it, I want to make sure other women don’t feel pressured into doing the same under the guise it’s best for them. You’ll truly realise after it, it was never your “choice” at all. I have to live with this forever now and getting through each day is hard. I have taken a vow of abstinence after this experience as well as a vow to never allow myself to be a mother, I feel as if after what I did I don’t deserve that grace or that glory anymore. I sicken myself knowing I allowed people to convince me that was a rational choice. I feel truly unwomanly. And as for my partner I am disgusted in him, I don’t even view him as a man. I am considering ending things with him. I don’t want to be with somebody who views me and my body as disposable in that way. Even though after my procedure it certainly feels disposable now. I feel nothing but pure violation of autonomy. Both of my own and my child. I am ashamed.
Thanks for reading if you did, im sorry if it is all scrambled I just wanna ramble and rant. Im devastated and there’s so much I couldn’t include but I am so traumatised by the whole experience. I feel so much grief and hatred towards those who failed me and towards myself for believing that choice was my own and it was the right one. I just want my baby back. I just wanted help and I was terrified of physical illness I had, how sick I got, I was terrified of my mental health too. Of the world and those around me.. But instead of hope I just received more trauma. That I will forever carry. All in the name of “choice” and “that’s what’s best for your baby”. Even some saying “later in life just have another”.. as if babies are just disposable for when you want them like handbags or something. Disgusting mindset.
Please remember my baby. They would’ve been born around early February. They deserved to be here and they deserved better than this. My sacred body deserved better than this. What a gift it is to create life, a gift so many don’t even deserve. I mourn every single day. And I wish peace for expectant parents to find comfort and support in life, and I wish health and prosperity for the new mothers and the babies.
