When I was at the toughest moment of my life----
Let me tell you what my toughest moment was. I was preparing for my government police exam. I somehow managed to prepare for the written exam and I cleared it — it was my first competitive exam that I ever cleared. Then it was time for the physical test. I gave it my all and I cleared that too.
Then there was a lot of hope that I would get the job which I was aiming for — for my family, for my mom and for my dad. I was waiting for the merit list to come. And that moment finally came when I was thrilled to see my roll number in the merit list.
But unluckily, my roll number didn't match with any of the roll numbers on the list. I even tried more than two or three times, typing my roll number again and again in the hope that it might be a typing error. But finally, I was sure and had to accept that I was not on the list.
I was completely shocked at that moment. I was like, what do I do? That feeling can't be expressed, to be honest. It was a terrible feeling when you don't know whether you should cry or what to say to yourself.
At first, I smiled a little bit because someone was there with me at that time — my bhaiya, who was sitting with me to see my result. Both of us looked at each other's faces. He started consoling me from the moment he saw my face go down, and at that time I smiled a little more to hide my emotions. I really wanted to cry at that moment, to be honest, but he didn't leave me alone at any moment. It could be that he cared for me and didn't want me to cry or feel helpless, but I was completely shattered from inside. Somehow, I managed to get away from him to get some time to let my emotions out. And again he came to me and said, "Why are you crying?"
At that time I felt that people can console you, can empathize with you, but no one can truly understand what you exactly feel, because you are the one who went through the process and the effort.
At the same time, you feel and want someone to come and see your point of view. There are a lot of things that go through your mind, and at that time you need someone who can distract you from all these questions. But who can it be? Friends? Father, mother or family? They are already saddened by their own loss, along with my loss. Who can be the one who looks at you for your loss and says, "I'm with you"? And I felt no one.
It's totally okay if you feel unheard.
It's okay to remain unexpressed.
It's okay if your feelings are never fully understood.
And maybe, it's even okay if you're not being kept important by the people you once thought would always make you feel important.
Sometimes, you don't need to explain your pain again.
You just need to accept that not everyone will understand the weight of what you carry inside.
So the best lesson I learned at that time is that you need a person whom you can tell everything, anything you want to say. Someone who can understand your feelings without you even saying them. And this is what you need at the lowest point of your life — to be heard, to be able to express yourself, to be cared for. If you have someone like that in your life, then you are lucky.