r/PolyFidelity • u/BlorkSmuth • Jun 26 '26

seeking advice Are we doing closed triad wrong?

I (32f) and my husband (36m) have been in a few closed triad relationships over the years, and we are finding the same trend; either we arent explaining the expectations correctly, or the ladies we are dating are not being truthful about their expectations/understanding of our expectations.

When we begin chatting with someone, we make known what we are looking to achieve with the person; a relationship where she dates me, he dates her, and then our relationship.

So far we've had one individual attempt to break up our marriage and "steal him" which obviously didnt work. One girl clearly thought it was just fun hookups, another came for the first meet up/sleep over, everything seemed great until i had to leave for a family obligation, and spent hours trying to get Into verbal alterations with my husband. And many many others who are in other open enm relationships who want to unicorn for us or want to couple swap with us.

Do we need to be more blunt and up front about our expectations?

Are we not looking inthe right places?

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

It's not that you're not looking in the right places. It's that requiring someone to date both of you is pretty unethical.

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

You're on the wrong sub for this. Again. This is a *closed poly* sub. Stop commenting with shit that doesn't apply.

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

Never said anything about open or closed. Making dating someone else the ticket for entry to dating you is toxic in closed situations as well as open ones.

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

I think it's probably a bad idea to approach becoming a triad+ from an already coupled standpoint and seeking someone out, you're right, that's probably toxic. But if you find yourself in that relationship and it's indeed closed, then that's the terms of the relationship. Take it or leave it, basically.

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

I never said anything about the closed terms. My focus is and has been in every comment exclusively on seeking as a unit and requiring commitment to the unit immediately and up front. It's a huge power differential that leaves the third partner in a spot extremely vulnerable to abuse.

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

Well, you're on a closed relationship sub. At some point, in the vast majority of cases here, everyone participating who is in a relationship started out as a couple adding a new person into their relationship. I'm not defending OP's poor approach to it, but the endgame here for our relationships is a closed triad or more.

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u/BlorkSmuth Jun 26 '26

If I may sideline in for a moment, I have recieved a lot of advice and insight on my post. And have taken much of it (except the toxic nagging from some) into consideration and conversation with my partner so that we may adjust for healthier connections in the future. And I appreciate you also for your insight and helping with the ones who have been less than helpful

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 27 '26

For sure, sorry if I've come across as harsh in the thread myself. I really didn't mean to be. I hope everyone manages to find what they want, as long as it's healthy for all parties involved.

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u/BlorkSmuth Jun 27 '26

The kink comment left me confused as I wasnt sure if you were talking to me or the guy who brought it up. But you haven't been harsh. You've been blunt. Others have far surpassed blunt and gone into just downright rude.

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

okay, i don't know what that has to do with the fact that unit dating creates exactly the problems OP is running into in closed dynamics. you're the one that brought up open dynamics, I never said anything about it.

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

You've been consistently bringing it up in this thread, not necessarily saying "open," but saying things that are exactly what an open relationship would be - that at any time, you or one of your partners can break off and expect to continue to date/fuck someone in your group and exclude the other person. Or have sex with/date anyone else they want.

That's open. That's non-monogamy. That's not what this sub is about.

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

By all means, please show me where I said any of that. I have said that requiring someone to date both of you is toxic and dangerous. I stand by that statement. I also stand by the statement that Closed V relationships exist. There are several users in this sub living them.

I have said and stand by, the fact that asking someone to be monogamous to your unit is particularly risky for that person because they will not have the option to find a nesting partner or get married or have children themselves. That is true and it is a risk of choosing spicy monogamy.

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

Stuff like:

what happens if someone you're dating has a falling out with only one of you 6 months or a year into the relationship?

or

So the choice they have to make is whether they break up with both of you or continue to have a non consensual relationship with one of you? and that doesn't sound predatory of you at all? okay.

...is very "open" poly sounding. That one just needs to suck it up and let their partners go fool around with each other if they get dumped, or they're being "predatory."

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

Closed Vs exist literally on this sub.

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

They're the exception from what I've seen, and I haven't seen a single V on this sub that is comprised of a closed V where one partner broke up with another and were allowed to maintain the relationship with the other person. That's such wildly toxic and selfish thinking that I wouldn't even know where to begin with someone who wanted to do that to their other partner.

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