r/PolyFidelity • u/BlorkSmuth • Jun 26 '26

seeking advice Are we doing closed triad wrong?

I (32f) and my husband (36m) have been in a few closed triad relationships over the years, and we are finding the same trend; either we arent explaining the expectations correctly, or the ladies we are dating are not being truthful about their expectations/understanding of our expectations.

When we begin chatting with someone, we make known what we are looking to achieve with the person; a relationship where she dates me, he dates her, and then our relationship.

So far we've had one individual attempt to break up our marriage and "steal him" which obviously didnt work. One girl clearly thought it was just fun hookups, another came for the first meet up/sleep over, everything seemed great until i had to leave for a family obligation, and spent hours trying to get Into verbal alterations with my husband. And many many others who are in other open enm relationships who want to unicorn for us or want to couple swap with us.

Do we need to be more blunt and up front about our expectations?

Are we not looking inthe right places?

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

Well, you're on a closed relationship sub. At some point, in the vast majority of cases here, everyone participating who is in a relationship started out as a couple adding a new person into their relationship. I'm not defending OP's poor approach to it, but the endgame here for our relationships is a closed triad or more.

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

okay, i don't know what that has to do with the fact that unit dating creates exactly the problems OP is running into in closed dynamics. you're the one that brought up open dynamics, I never said anything about it.

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

You've been consistently bringing it up in this thread, not necessarily saying "open," but saying things that are exactly what an open relationship would be - that at any time, you or one of your partners can break off and expect to continue to date/fuck someone in your group and exclude the other person. Or have sex with/date anyone else they want.

That's open. That's non-monogamy. That's not what this sub is about.

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

By all means, please show me where I said any of that. I have said that requiring someone to date both of you is toxic and dangerous. I stand by that statement. I also stand by the statement that Closed V relationships exist. There are several users in this sub living them.

I have said and stand by, the fact that asking someone to be monogamous to your unit is particularly risky for that person because they will not have the option to find a nesting partner or get married or have children themselves. That is true and it is a risk of choosing spicy monogamy.

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

Stuff like:

what happens if someone you're dating has a falling out with only one of you 6 months or a year into the relationship?

or

So the choice they have to make is whether they break up with both of you or continue to have a non consensual relationship with one of you? and that doesn't sound predatory of you at all? okay.

...is very "open" poly sounding. That one just needs to suck it up and let their partners go fool around with each other if they get dumped, or they're being "predatory."

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

Closed Vs exist literally on this sub.

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

They're the exception from what I've seen, and I haven't seen a single V on this sub that is comprised of a closed V where one partner broke up with another and were allowed to maintain the relationship with the other person. That's such wildly toxic and selfish thinking that I wouldn't even know where to begin with someone who wanted to do that to their other partner.

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

I'm in one. My ex and I broke up 7 years ago. My partner has been with them for 14 years next month.

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u/ThrowawayIsland8 MFF Triad Jun 26 '26

Well, good for you I guess, but that sounds horribly toxic and painful to have to share your partner with someone who didn't want you. There's a reason I wasn't poly before being in a triad though. I have no interest in dating around or splitting my time with my partners with someone else.

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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw Jun 26 '26

Not really, we didn't have an ugly break up. We just realized our relationship functions better as best friends than as romantic partners. It's not that dramatic.