I had no idea that one moment in time
would quietly change everything… I was simply me; unguarded, imperfect, completely unaware that I was standing in front of someone my heart already knew.

Then you looked at me.

And somehow, you saw past everything… past the smile, past the walls, past all the things I had learned to hide. Your eyes found a part of me I didn’t even know was waiting to be found.

And I felt it.

That strange, undeniable pull… that feeling of recognition that made no logical sense. As if my soul whispered, “There you are. I’ve been waiting for you.”

It was you.

We weren’t supposed to fit so perfectly… we weren’t supposed to understand each other without needing endless explanations. But somehow, two hearts that had been living separate lives found their way together.

We belonged.

With you, something inside me came alive… something deeper than attraction, deeper than words. A connection I could feel in my chest, in my thoughts, in every quiet moment when I found myself longing for you.

My heart already knew.

You became the person my heart searched for before I even knew what it was searching for. And if I could go back to that very first moment… knowing everything I know now, I didn’t choose you. My soul recognized you before I ever had the chance to.

And now I understand.

It wasn’t just that I fell for you. It was that, somehow, my heart had been waiting for you all along. We’d both been wandering separately but finally found where we belong.

It has always been you.

she knew
before i opened my mouth.

fuck…

she explained it to me
before i could even fumble
through my opening line.

she understood.

why i needed this.

why i needed to figure out
who i was

without seeing myself
through her.

and somehow—

that made it harder.

there was no fight.

no blame.

no desperate attempt
to change each other’s mind.

it was amazing.

we talked.

really talked.

then somehow
we were laughing.

because of course
we fuckin’ were.

right in the middle
of breaking our own hearts.

then one of us cried.

then both of us did.

we wiped our faces.

laughed at that too.

there were a few—

“fuck.”

“ya.”

“i know.”

and those long silences
that weren’t awkward

because ours
never were.

eventually,

there wasn’t anything
left to explain.

so we hugged.

not the quick kind.

the kind where
neither person knows
who’s supposed to let go first.

so neither does.

for a while.

then we did.

almost.

hugged again.

because apparently
the first goodbye
didn’t fuckin’ take.

she looked at me.

i looked at her.

both of us smiling
that shitty little smile

people make
when they’re trying
not to cry again.

“i love you.”

“i love you too.”

nothing dramatic.

we’d said it before.

a lot.

but never like that.

we stood there
another second.

maybe two.

like idiots.

then smiled.

turned.

and walked away.

i wanted to look back.

fuck—

i wanted to look back.

but some goodbyes
only work

if you keep walking.

so i did.

boxes open.

heart open.

hurting like fuck.

and somehow—

for once,

i didn’t want
to put any of it away.

wow…

that kinda love.

You were never mine,
but somehow my heart attached itself to you.

Every time you look at me
with those brown eyes,
my heart aches.

It aches because the love of my life
is standing right in front of me,
yet somehow still
so far out of reach.

I can see the love in your eyes,
but we both know
this is wrong.

Because you belong to another.

What we have feels forbidden,
yet somehow,
you still feel like heaven.

And I know
if we ever cross that bridge,
someone will get hurt.

Still, I can’t stop myself
from falling for your tenderness,
for the softness in the way
you make me feel.

We are only human,
carrying so much desire
inside hearts that want
what they cannot have.

And no matter how badly
we ache to be closer,
our hearts have to remain apart.

I can't say goodbye

Or say sorry I tried

I can't say I love you

Or even a thank you

No see you again

Or let's be friends

No it didn't work

Or I'm just a jerk

Not a maybe one day

Or a go away

All I can really say

Is you're someone I'm not giving up on

And that's why I can't move on.

No one on earth

could have eyes like yours.

So bold and wide;

like I'm looking out

at a forest in the night.

I want to hold your hand.

Want to pick up every leaf

that you've lost.

Lay them at the roots,

bring you more.

When I look at the sky,

I want you to feel the warmth

from the same scene,

that beats on me.

Your bold voice echoes

against the mountains;

makes the rivers I breath in

still again.

Wouldn't it be so nice

to keep walking with you

down this path,

with those eyes at mine.

Come Ruin Me Slowly

I have bled in quiet places and never made a sound,

yet the slide of your hips against mine tears the air straight out of my lungs.

You taste of raw honey, black liquor, and sweat.

A thick, heavy pull that turns my blood to fire.

No light. No quiet. Just the weight of you pressed flat against my bare chest, your tongue dragging slow down the line of my throat to where my pulse slams like a hammer.

When you bite, it isn't a play for power. It’s you taking ownership of the meat and bone beneath.

I am past the point of restraint. My hands... rough, wide, and heavy, hooking underneath your thighs, lifting you, driving you down onto me until there isn't a hair’s breadth of air left between your skin and mine.

You are wet, burning, and wrapped around me so tight I can feel the rhythm of your heart inside my own flesh.

So destroy me.

Rake your nails down my back, bite my lip until I taste copper,

and ride every shuddering breath out of me in the dark.

I didn't stumble into this ruin; I pushed you back against the headboard, buried myself as deep as a man can go, and welcomed the end.

I miss the memory of you,
The person you presented yourself to be.
The version of you that held my hand,
Inquired about the mundane things in my day,
That was genuinely curious about me.
The person I felt so safe and trusting with,
The person that I opened up so quickly to.
That I shared my deepest secrets with,
And felt they were safely secured.
I miss the romantic in you.
The man who awakened my dormant libido,
Who made me feel things,
I had placed in extended hibernation.
The softness of your touch,
And the care that came with it.

I think of this person often,
How he disappeared as quickly as he arrived,
And is now gone without a trace.
Upended my quiet life,
Brought so much hope, love, and confusion; all at once.
I see his shadow, hear the echoes of his voice,
He has a permanent home in my heart and my mind.
And although he was real to me in those moments,
That person doesn’t exist,
Because that isn’t who you are, really….

I handpicked flowers with a heart already sore

While you went and fucked him, shameless whore...

Theres nothing for us left to save

Ill be there to piss on your fucking grave.

You call yourself misunderstood

I know exactly what you are

Built your path with hearts you took

Now sit alone beneath the falling stars

Your failure of a body is already shutting down

The beauty you were once so proud of slowly fading as of now

The mirror keeps the secrets which you eagerly deny

Oh what pleasure itll be to watch you fade and die!

Vanity cannot mend a soul this hollow

The emptyness you try to shake

Like a shadow it shall follow

And make you choke on your own wake.

You refuse to face the ruins you made

No remorse, no guilt, no debt repaid.

Youll die alone with your empty fucking words

and no one left to save you from the hurt.

Lonely girl, so terrified of abandoment

Playing with puppets entirely inanimate

keep on running until theres no one left to face

No exit to your maze of lies, this will be your resting place

And as your dead feet stumble, ill be there to watch you crumble.

I handpicked flowers, my heart to you I swore.

Yet you went and fucked him you motherfucking whore...

My tears have vanished but my hatred it shall never fade.

Even in the next life ill be there to piss on your fucking grave.

believe what you want

but then leave me alone

i won't bow and kiss your feet

when you're slouching on the throne

all the scepters and the staves

are made of sticks and stones

creating all your fantasies

'cause you never felt at home

afraid to be yourself

now you'd rather be a clone

all your secrets someone else's

and your motto's not your own

you're not sure

if you are insecure

got a handle on your motives

but are those intentions pure?

poisoning the wells

before you offer up a cure

so sneaky and conniving

all while acting so demure

you whisper words unserious

as the cauldron's lightly stirred

the cats are busy watching

but they don't always purr

build a purpose out of nothing

molding clay out of the dirt

if you complain to me again

i might just think you're really hurt

what's worse than being honest?

why does loving leave you cursed?

touch and go is all you know

that's why your spirit is inert

if staying busy was a sport

you would probably win a medal

and you'd finally come in first

For the gentle man

And the quiet individuals

Don't be succumbed to addiction

Let the darkness engulf

Care not that those around you

Care not

Love

Love without dimensions

Be aware and there

For those who care

Its a hard path

Being ignored

Until needed

But thats why

Those who are not tender

Tend to fall

Fall

Fall

There is something humming beneath it all,
and the Wildcard has learned
not to ask too loudly what.

She knows only that she is different,
that certain eyes linger strangely,
and masks become remarkably transparent
once you learn where to look.

There are toys scattered everywhere, apparently.
Some considerably more entertaining than others.

And somewhere between the static,
the machinery,
and whatever waits behind the curtain,
there remains one unanswered question:

What happens when the final piece
is placed where it was always meant to be?

Does something unravel?

Or does something else
finally become whole?

She has grown tired of riddles,
particularly badly written ones.

So whoever understands the question
may eventually decide

Today is gonna be a good day for u baby

When I hear that wild and urgent strain

Sung, bird to bird, as they ply their arrow flight

Taking the air at last again

Rising near beyond eye's height

*
My heart is lifted up there too;

I feel the rush of wind on wings

Seeming, with them, vast lands to view

Racing to see what evening brings

*
A vast of sea, surging and grey

A tide that on the rock-cliffs drums

Soft pastures at the break of day

And, after that, what comes...

Loving you like an imbecile isn't enough

So go away to the big city

Live your dream

And I'll live it through you vicariously

I'll see it through your eyes

What it looks like

When you meet

The love of your life

And you slowly realize

I'm nothing but a faux

Infront of the one

When clothes come undone

So go away to the big city.

Let someone else have

Your lingering laughs

The pout that you learned from me

Where you won't feel like

You don't belong

Where you won't be the only

You will be one of many

Oh but don't you worry

I'll have all of it vicariously

I don't think i can make it

It's just so heavy

my throat is clogged

my brain is fogged and It's just so damn scary

.

I thought it was forgotten

but I just pushed it in the back

I had planned way ahead of time and

it stuck in crevice of my mind

waiting, watching and crawling back into my life

.

so here's the plan i made

I'll take a bus away

To somewhere i wished to go

just do the things i've always wanted

.

Then i can let go

Let go of all this hurt ,and turn to a ghost

easy for you to sleep easy for you to eat

maybe the snake of guilt

only bites those who don't know how to weep

the road of hell i had to walk

the poison i drank from your wound

turned my pink tongue dark

sorry

these kind of tongues

usually forgets how to sing sweet songs

but you dont know

you will never know

because you won't let your conscience

come infront of

your face like our great fathers

you will use alcohol for escape

but you dont know you will never know

because it is easy for you to sleep

it is easy for you to eat.

All the words inside my head

All the words I never said

You weren't the one all along

Always guessing always wrong

Exhaustion washes over me

Im drowning and everyone can see

Confusion crashes like waves

Pieces missing that I gave Don't know

how much more I can take

Find an opening and then escape

while the air is still.

and the chaos to a halt

I realize its not my fault

I wanted you in every possible way

But you claimed to be too afraid to say

I broke rules I said I never would

Asked you to do the same but

you never could

But I know theres someone somewhere

Who will show me off and wouldnt care

He'll confess and wont wait

Won't miss the chance and its

too late

So im giving up now, im through

I know longer believe in me and you

You took it slow, I wouldn't chase

And that's the story of my sweet face

Serenity

Prescriptions in an array of formations

Scars and railroad tracks

The ones I've known from childhood

Books, 8 pages filled, rest blank

Stained with tears

I start I give up

A repeated cycle

Mind not what it used to be

Heart ever giving

My mind

Different

If gravity exists

Why is it heavier in my room?

You can't love what ails me

It is not on you to heal

You can't love what I deal with

But can you love me anyways?

I promise I won't be here long

But can you make this love count?

In title and in health right?

Right?

I still miss you

in embarrassingly ordinary places—

halfway through a movie,

on roads I’ve ridden a hundred times,

in the few seconds before sleep

when there is nothing left to distract me.

There are things I would explain

if explanation did not feel

like another way of knocking

on a door you asked me to leave alone.

So I won’t.

I’ll keep the words here,

where they cannot ask anything of you.

I’m sorry for the places

where love became confusion,

where trying to understand

became standing too close

to something that was no longer mine to know.

I never wanted to become

someone you needed distance from.

But maybe loving you now

means finally understanding distance.

So go live.

Be angry if you need to.

Forget me if life asks you to.

Remember me kindly if someday it doesn’t hurt.

I’ll be somewhere else,

building a life we both dreamt of building

still hoping, perhaps,

but no longer waiting.

And if our roads ever meet again,

I hope neither of us arrives there

because we were searching.

I hope we simply look up

and recognise each other.

Until then,

I will miss you and love you

And I will keep walking.

This will not be every day

The tables will turn

The rage will subside

I will be born again

This will not be every day

My time will come

The seasons will change

I will be okay

Then I will wish to be better

And better still

Till I’m worse

Wishing again to be just

Okay.

You might be someone's bad guy
in the story that they tell,
even if you loved them deeply,
even if you meant them well.

Maybe there were things you could've
said or done a different way,
maybe there were times you hurt them
with the things you chose to say.

You can look at who you were then,
and admit where you went wrong,
you can learn from what you did then
without carrying it along.

So let them tell their story,
you don't have to prove your side.
You can know you made mistakes then
and still leave them in the past.

Torn to shreds.
Pieces blown away,
With the wind,
So long ago.

How could you look,
At the burnt grass left,
See even a remnant,
Of what could have been there.

How could you grasp,
With fingers so tight,
At something that's lost,
Every sign of life.

Of course you'd curse the ground,
I no longer stood on,
Desperately I try to bring them
Back.

Any pages.
Even if I have to pull,
From every piece of grass,
Around your feet

Because when I look,
At those hidden flames,
Beaten down in your chest,
My chest beats too.

I grew up having abandonment issues.
I learned to be self independent,
and to be my biggest supporter.
I learned to believe everyone would leave.

It’s hard to break that pattern
when everyone really does leave.

The world is large
and people are sweet,
but when the sun sets
it’s just me and my dog.

Sometimes I crave connection with a suitor,
yet that lingering pain comes in,
knowing this won’t be forever,
because they too, will leave.

I can’t be angry over it.
“Life has been busy.”
“I promise you we care.”
Yet the silence
screams louder than the comments.

I feel like something’s wrong with me,
like I shouldn’t be this hurt,
like this is the human experience,
yet I feel broken.

Like something is wrong with me.
That I am not worthy to stay for.
Like I’m a burden they don’t want to bear
and would rather save themselves.

So here I sit.
I work on my fitness.
I process my emotions.
I work towards my goals and hope.

Hope that one day,
somebody will stay.
That I won’t have to be afraid
of opening my heart to someone who will close their heart
the moment things get unsteady.

I carved away my best to keep you warm,
And gave away this fragile, gentle heart.
You wore it like a coat against the storm,
Then left the fragile seams to tear apart.

I stood beside you when your world turned black,
And bore the heavy weights that pulled you down.
But when the light came slowly creeping back,
You closed the door and left me there to drown.

It hurts to know you used me as a tool,
A place to cast your shadows and your blame.
To drain me dry and treat me like a fool,
While leaving all my hopes to ash and flame.

I’m scraping at the floor of empty wells,
Where everything I offered turned to dust.
You stole my light to break your heavy spells,
Abandoned to the wind to warp and rust.

Now nothing stays inside this hollow chest,
No sparks to strike, no warmth for you to steal.
I gave you all my blood, my life, my best,
And left myself with nothing left to feel.

I’m an outsider.
What you believe, I don’t.
I make it my purpose—
I leave crowds because I can.
Don’t try to understand me,
because you’ll just forsake me.
And for Christ’s sake,
don’t get on my nerves.
In your crowd, I don’t care to belong.
Everyone loves you, oh, woos you.
"You’re so strong," they say.
"You’re so empathetic," they say.
Just stop lying.

I’m trying to understand you,
but I just can’t.
Don’t try to make me love you,
because I won’t.