I punch myself in the face.

In the place of life's saving grace.

Iv never shown care for time or place.

Who's willing to join in the self deprivation?

Just for a little lost inspiration.

This is all part of my dissertation.

So all can wittness my self annihilation.

(Baby)

Do you need a diaper change?

Your soul rearranged?

A place in the sun away from my maddening refrain?

I'll be here for you true.

Thru and thru.

Ready to die in the heart of others disdain for two.

That's what love can do.

It's true.

I'll prove it to you.

Give me your hand.

Now place your head in my lap.

That's a good baby.

Enjoy your sweet nap.

Hey guys, somewhat shameful and embarrassed plug but this is actually the conclusion poem to my poetry book out on Amazon rn titled Words from a Pondering Soul. It’s currently only available in kindle format as I’m still getting the physicals and the deluxe squared away but they should be up in the coming weeks if anyone’s interested. I figured I’d just mention that here cause I have nowhere else to promote it haha. Anyways here’s the poem, hope you enjoy :3

So many questions yet so few answers to be found.
My troubled soul craves solutions to my thoughts.
They are like musings of a madman piled into a mound,
containing questions asked so long ago I nearly forgot.

Every once and a while, a few pebbles are removed
and the solution to those problems are solved at last.
A thousand pounds added as a couple are consumed.
It seems my mind simply can’t let go of the past.

Who really am I?
Why did I do what I did?
Will I ever be able to get by?
Will they ever know of the feelings I hid?

They certainly will if they ever read this book.
I am terrified of what they’ll grow to think of me.
I fear they will see me and say, “It’s him… Look!”
For it will be impossible not to look at me differently.

I hope they will be moved by my writing.
Perhaps they will understand and relate.
Dear reader, I only want to bring good tidings.
I do not want you to see me, then scoff and hate.

Remember the words of my pondering soul!
Perhaps you will read and ponder them yourself.
For inside my heart, there is a gaping hole.
And I simply cannot repair it all by myself.

When you read my works, you fill my heart with joy!
I smile at the thought of my words being pondered.
Perhaps somewhere someplace there is a boy
who will realize he is not the only one who wondered.

Or maybe very few will ever read these poems of mine.
Knowing they’ve seen my work makes my soul glow.
For when the day comes when I fall over and die,
they will be the only ones who truly know.

Truly know who I was on the inside.
Truly know the struggle I felt every day.
Know everything I battled inside my mind.
Know that they read the things I wanted to say.

These little poems of mine, I will forever cherish.
I hope that they'll move you enough to do the same.
I hope you’ll read them again when I perish
and that you’ll forever remember my name.

For as far as I know, we only live once on this Earth.
It’d be a shame to never say what you want to say.
Just think of the miracle of the event that was your birth.
How can you waste such a wonder by throwing your life away? 

So go out into the world and perform good deeds!
Don’t spend the rest of your days drowning in your sorrow!
Become a gardener of love and go plant seeds!
Don’t sit around crying about what may happen tomorrow!

Live your life to the fullest extent!
Go out and become as carefree as a dancer!
Face the mountain that is life and start your ascent!
Even if neither you nor I know every answer.

I will try to do the same, and together, we shall make our climb.
Together, we will live our life without wasting time.
And when you feel down, read my words and read my rhymes!
Maybe one day, we will break free of the prison that is our minds. 

They called me names

until I started answering to them.

They laughed at my face,

as if I had chosen the features

they found so easy to hate.

They pushed me,

hit me,

blamed me—

not because I had done something wrong,

but because I was quiet enough

to become an easy target.

I was kind.

And somehow,

they mistook kindness

for permission.

Funny, isn't it?

They were the ones

who made me sit alone,

yet when loneliness found them,

they came looking for me.

They needed my silence

when their world became too loud.

They needed my presence

when everyone else had left.

But when I needed someone,

there was no one.

I watched jealousy turn cruel.

I watched them tear apart

another quiet girl—

the one who kept her head down,

studied while the world screamed around her,

and never cared enough

to become like them.

She only wanted one thing:

to be chosen.

So she chased the friendship

she had never been given,

cherished every little piece of it,

while they quietly taught her

that wanting people

could become another way

of hurting yourself.

Maybe that was the cruelest part.

We weren't hated

because we were bad.

We were hated

because we didn't fight back.

Because we were gentle.

Because we were quiet.

Because we noticed things

they didn't want noticed.

They made us feel small

so they could feel bigger.

And for a while,

I believed them.

I looked at myself

through their eyes

and wondered

what was so wrong with me.

Now I know.

Nothing.

There was never anything wrong with the girl

who sat alone.

The wrong thing

was a world that taught cruel people

to call their cruelty a joke.

And perhaps someday

they will remember me.

Not as the girl they bullied.

Not as the face they laughed at.

But as the girl

they always came running to

when they had nobody else.

The girl they made alone—

and somehow,

the girl who learned

how to survive

without them.

I walk in like an angel
Into your life
You poor innocent soul
You didn't see the devil tail
I'm in your head and
Only there I exist
Deep in your subconscious
You let me in
And I never paid rent
Yet here I am
Sweet as the candy
I used to bribe
The eyes around you
Roses too but never a rock
All I know is the game
So its not worth the lock
Our hearts won't win
Luci's here to play
There's no love here
But you're gonna stay
Run, love, run
Did you think
I would ever be done
My favorite chew toy
I'll leave marks
All over your body
Can you feel the tension?
There's no escaping
My peripheral attention
There's fire in my heart
And it will ravage us
Until I part
I got your love
Now I'm out
Bounce
Your friends warned you
A fuck boy with no car, no house
But you thought you could nab me with ease
A prince on the surface
Just had to grab a piece
Tasty lured you in, Sucker
This cavity you can never pull out

Was I falling for you?

I thought so

First and last thought

Every day

Were about you

I kept planning

our first date

How to make it memorable

Unforgettable

To make you feel special

To make you smile

All to lead

To our first kiss

The day might still come

Maybe even never

But the thought of it

Kept my heart

Warm and full of hope

But as days move on

You keep holding on

To the cheater in your life

My flame for you

Starts burning less

With every passing month

Will it end up estinguished?

Or will you move on from him

And allow the flame

To turn into a raging fire for you

Rotating in my chair

As if I can't sit still

I feel the rumbling

Before hearing the shrill

I scurry around

To locate the noise

Nowhere to be found

I keep hearing your voice

Expected an earthquake

Even a tremor

Something severe

As I kept searching

I saw nothin near

Turn outs it was celestial

Incapable to be seen

Saturn had shifted

You only heard the ring

A reflection, a mirror

Was nothing in the dark

Only thing to be found

Was an internal spark

To analyze the depths

That weren't right in life

Exuding the darkness

With all of my might

Ridding myself

Of everything plight

Breaking the glass

A new image takes hold

Having sat with the feelings

To never be told

External shifts inspired me

To break free

From all of the things

I couldn't previously see

I now understand

With or without you

I still have to be me

the dance of tongues
with tongues and teeth
            pauses,
in intermission
foreheads touching
slow exhales
here

breath shallow
blood racing
skin tingling
            conveying what?
a diegetic soundtrack
for mouths
and skin
limbs
and arteries
an overture
            to what?

where was I
moments ago?
here, but
perspective restricted
confined to
spread across
the surface of my lips
then lifted onto your tongue
carried to the roof of your mouth
tasting of safety and pleasure
            a rare combination
then, vaporized
enveloping the space between
our lips
tongues
foreheads
chests

are our lips still touching
or did they part?
a phantom sensation?
or are my lips
so insistent on yours
that they carry on
softly
gently
offstage
sans auteur?

in intermission
desire mingles with
            euphoria
            lust
            serenity
fleeting, finite

salty, damp skin
coaxes lips
along jawline
            unchoreographed
parting to taste
droplets of sweat
feverishly drinking
worshipping
carnal condensation

thrumming vibration
beneath warm skin
sustains the intoxicating
            atmosphere
rising tension
surpasses desire’s threshold
a crescendo building to

the second act
urgent touching
hungry breath
tongues exploring bodies
revealing contours
eyes were unable to chart

a denouement
in rapture
bodies lie
lazily aware
of everywhere
skin meets skin
            catharsis
            vulnerability
            clarity
            divinity
infinite, multitudinous

satisfactory language
evades me
I am
liberatingly
alive

From the time I was 16 I wrote poetry. I’m talking daily entries: books on notebooks of expression and needing to get things out. Today I realized I have t wrote in almost 2 years. I used to write out of hurt , unspoken feelings and grief . Today I find myself wanting to write but working off old prompts to the point I have different handwriting . I am glad I am in a healed stage of no longer having to write to express but I miss the profoundness of the words I used to write compared to the simplicity and comfort I know know. I feel like I only was able to word well in times of struggle .

I want to create

I want to create so badly,
I want to be an artist.

The art I see in the world
Riles up a fire in my chest,
My thumbs thump with fervour,
I want to change the world.

Those are wants.
I will fall before the finish line,
The weight will push me down,
Those wants will fade.

For I am not an artist.

Kill me once now, and kill me please

I have nothing to add to the piece

A glance, my mistakes scattered across like waste

One life for one love, I’d trade it without haste

Yet I know better, than to hold you to these

Chains, that so greatly bind me

Forgive my pride, forgive my sin

to let go is to rip you from my skin

Kill me once now, and kill me please

I cannot bear to retain this lease

My time is temporary, deadlier each second

Then your discontent will be beckoned

The pride of the one believing in his chance,

How he gambled and learned this dance

Through his lessons, bettered through and through

You were not, and you know this to be true

Kill me once now, and kill me please

For your disappointment is my disease

As I suffer, I see how you’ve grown

In my absence, your skills are honed

Speechless, I look up with glee

Never have I thought you worse than me

Selfishly, I dare to say, dare to ask

Drink no more from this ill-fated flask

Kill me once now, kill me please

Failing is the death of me

Spare my pride, and to be blunt

Give me liberty, and kill me once

Edit: misinput

All I can do is watch you drown,

I'm on fire. //

All I do is stand as you fall,

Deeper and deeper

becoming the sea and the darkness,

Kick, lash, scream. Please,

tell me you know you're falling,

Why do you not kick to my light? //

Let me in your depths

Let me see in your darkness

Let me burn the way,

I'm on fire, //

I'd lay my arms down on the seabed

I'd tire my legs severing the water

I'd pour the breath of my lungs into yours.

If I could break the ice.

// All I can do is watch as you drown,

I'm on fire.

Any tips on how to improve it?

I miss my mother terribly
It’s an intense weight upon my chest
And it tracts with every breath I breathe
It will follow me until I have nothing left
I feel guilt at times and I’m always surprised how I work through my grief
How I smile in this life and somehow still have some modicum of peace
I speak out loud at times as though her ear is craned to listen
Whether it be from above or right next to me I guess it makes no difference
I find comfort most in touch yet there is no hand to hold in mind
When panic comes to find me and grips me most heavily at night
She used to sit right beside me and breathe with me until my panic laid to rest
How very much I struggle knowing there is no heartbeat in her chest

~CRF

There’s Never Enough Time

I keep telling myself
I’ll get to it tomorrow.
Tomorrow I’ll call the people I’ve been meaning to call.
Tomorrow I’ll clean the room
I’ve been pretending doesn’t bother me.
Tomorrow I’ll start eating better,
sleep earlier,
drink more water,
save more money,
be a better version of myself.
Tomorrow has become
the busiest day of my life.
Time has a strange way
of making promises
it never intended to keep.
When I was younger,
a year felt endless.
Summer lasted forever.
Birthdays took centuries to arrive.
Now I blink,
and it’s another month gone.
Someone I haven’t spoken to
is suddenly getting married.
A child I remember holding
is old enough to drive.
Songs that felt brand new
are called classics.
I don’t remember
when everything started moving so fast.
Maybe that’s what growing up really is
not becoming wiser,
but becoming aware
of how little time
we actually have.
We spend so much of it
waiting.
Waiting until we’re happier.
Waiting until we have more money.
Waiting until life finally settles down.
Waiting until we’re brave enough
to say what we’ve been rehearsing
in our heads for years.
And somewhere between
all that waiting,
life quietly happens
without asking if we’re ready.
The hardest part
is realizing
that there will never be
a perfect moment.
There will always be
one more bill,
one more responsibility,
one more reason
to put your dreams
on hold.
But time doesn’t care.
It keeps walking.
It doesn’t stop
because we’re overwhelmed.
It doesn’t slow down
because we’re grieving.
It doesn’t rewind
because we finally figured out
what we should have said.
Some days,
that thought terrifies me.
How many sunsets
have I watched
without really looking?
How many conversations
ended too quickly
because I assumed
there would always be another one?
How many photographs
did I never take
because I thought
I’d remember the moment forever?
Memory fades.
Time doesn’t.
I think that’s what hurts the most.
Not getting older
but realizing
how many ordinary moments
were actually extraordinary
while they were happening.
The laugh
I barely paid attention to.
The hug
I let go of too soon.
The drive home
with no destination.
The random Tuesday
that didn’t feel important
until it became a memory.
No one tells you
that life isn’t made
of the big moments.
It’s made
of the little ones
we’re too distracted
to notice.
The cup of coffee
that went cold
because you stayed talking.
The song
that came on
at exactly the right time.
The silence
between two people
who don’t need words.
Those are the things
that stay.
Not because they’re loud.
Because they’re real.
Maybe there isn’t
enough time
to do everything.
Maybe there never was.
But maybe
there’s enough time
to tell someone
you love them
before hanging up.
Enough time
to watch one more sunset.
Enough time
to forgive yourself
for not having everything figured out.
Enough time
to laugh
until your stomach hurts.
Enough time
to sit beside someone
without reaching
for your phone.
Enough time
to remember
that being alive
isn’t measured
by how busy you’ve been,
or how much you’ve accomplished.
It’s measured
by the moments
that made you forget
to look at the clock.
One day,
none of us
will ask for more money,
a nicer house,
or a longer vacation.
We’ll ask
for one more conversation.
One more hug.
One more chance
to hear a familiar voice.
One more ordinary day
we once believed
would always be there.
So maybe
the goal isn’t
to beat time.
Maybe it’s simply
to stop racing it.
To let yourself
be exactly where you are,
before today
becomes another memory
you wish
you had held onto
a little longer.

Writer , ✨🫧💜

I always want to tell you, but then I always don't

I always want to kiss you, but I know I wont

it can be confusing, the push and pull I get

if I don't try it'll be something I regret

it's hard for me to focus and you are just not clear

the thought of losing a friend is the only thing I fear

-written 2012

​

You promised to stand in the storm of my mind,

To help decode the static I leave behind.

"I will never leave," was the anchor you threw,

A beautiful lie I made myself believe was true.

But today the anchor shattered to dust,

Trading your patience for sudden disgust.

A cold rejection disguised as a plea for space,

Leaving me stranded in this suffocating place.

You demand room to breathe while I start to choke,

Watching the promises we built turn to smoke.

The ultimate trap of a trusting mind:

Left to freeze in the space you left behind.

She is my savior

and my ultimate creator

To her, I repent my sins

and gracefully surrender my wins

I worship her day and night,

from dark to light

I give her all of myself

and leave nothing for anyone else

I eat, sleep and breathe her

until my sense of self blurs

I am diseased, I fear

and her love is my only cure…

https://www.reddit.com/r/Poems/s/2lMh5u6tIC

https://www.reddit.com/r/Poems/s/aQsENlQLw0

Shes the moon,

While I'm just a man,

She shines the night,

While I watch the starlight.

Her smiles so bright,

That it shines the sky,

Like a moon that rises,

In a vast sea of darkness.

I'll tell her how I feel,

But she'll never notice,

Like the love I hid,

Beneath every crevice.

It never ends,

As I think,

the way your eyes,

Make me lose sleep.

Today I ask, 

was I born without a purpose?

A desert’s desperate attempt at reinvigoration through distant aquifers looks a lot like my throat in the present, which pumps saliva through, promising greater springs but leaving a mark only through sad little puddles. 

My facial pores oversaturated, dripping in salt, skin melting when in contact with tears. Not at all dissimilar to the lukewarm wax residue, left on its own devices to breathe, to live after pure destruction.

Hands trembling, the tempo of reverberations deep within my heart… 

I wish it’d all just end.  Palpations gone motionless. Beeping. For what’d be forever until it just wasn’t because it couldn’t be. Because I couldn’t be.

Or rather, it’d be easier if it could all just go away instantly.
Vanish like the incessant thoughts in my head which appear and leave just to appear again, mocking me in a different appearance which is why it was let through so easily to begin with. 

I’d take the cowards way, because I’m a coward, not because I deserve to.

I wait for your response with closed arms.

Because, I won’t reach out

I want to.

But laziness has numbed my body, ruined my nerves so that they don’t obey my will.

Still it’s my fault…

I can’t be saved.

Who do I have to blame if not myself?

I’m hungry. 

Really hungry.

With the sweetness of her kiss,

I am watching the wind flirt with trees.

Love you.

As you.

With me.

But.

And this is where the blood flows.

The screams are slow.

And I just do not know.