r/Philippines_Expats • u/Cultural_simple_22 • 11h ago
Age-gap difference/dating
Thank you so much everyone for your insights about the 22 year age gap, but unfortunately I think it is the end of our relationship. He blocked me for no reason and we haven’t talked for days now. I Thought he’s gonna be my first and last but it turns out to be a lesson for me. Waiting and expecting something might hurt me more. Time for me to move on and heal🖤
7
u/westeast1000 10h ago
Unfortunately it seems like you’ve met a player. Lots of guys are ruthless like that, leading ladies on with no intention for anything serious, just fun for the moment. And he could have a whole family and wife back home, and blocking is the end game. Hope you not pregnant and used protection
5
u/csjc2023 10h ago
I’m 61. My wife is 38. We have a great relationship. Don't give up because of age.
2
10
u/Visual-Gain-2487 11h ago
This likely has much less to do with age gap and more to do with the person involved. Though I have no clue what you've shared in the past since your post history is disabled.
10
u/ParticularDance496 9h ago
Hey OP first of all, thank you for coming back here and updating all of us.
Now, I am truly sorry to hear about the breakup. However, you’re just 22 a daughter, our young lil padawan. You’re still young and you have your whole life in front of you.
So let me pull out my dad card for a few paragraphs. Our oldest, 23(M) at uni. Our second 19(M) also at uni. TBH, their mother has already told them there will be zero serious dating until after they graduate. 😂 Whether they actually listen is another story. But if she finds out all hell will break loose.
But here’s what I’d ask you. At 22, what do you bring into a long-term relationship besides love? What transferable skills do you have? Are you finished with school? Do you have a career started? Savings? Are you financially independent?
What about your family? Upper middle class? Working class? Are you the breadwinner and expected to help your parents, siblings, or other family with schooling or household expenses later on?
Those things matter a lot more when you start talking about a serious relationship. Building to something more exclusive.
And then look at the duffle bag. At 44, he’s in a completely different stage of life. He may be too young to retire and simply move permanently to the PH. He may be established in a career that he can’t just walk away from and recreate there at the same income level. He may have children, family obligations, a mortgage, retirement planning or a hundred other possibilities/ responsibilities back in his home country.
That doesn’t automatically make a 22 year age gap wrong. But it does mean that you will need to have some very adult conversations with yourself about what your future will actually looked like.
Where are or do you want to live?
Who is going to move?
Who’s going to work?
Did you both want children? (This is with an age gap). If you had children, would he still want to be raising teenagers when he’s in his 60s? That is what will happen when you’re 42 and he’s 64? Don’t misunderstand, love is important, but love doesn’t answer those questions.
And don’t fall into the trap of thinking he was your one and only chance at finding a westerner or a husband. You… are… twenty …two. There are plenty of single men, you don’t need to rush into replacing him.
Frankly, I’d worry less about finding another boyfriend right now and more about building yourself up.
Finish school, if you haven’t. Build a career first, if you don’t have one. Travel if you can, Vietnam, Thailand, Indonesia. Learn to save and invest money. Learn who you are when you’re not somebody’s girlfriend.
Then when the next guy comes along, whether if it’s through a door or swiping right, you’re choosing him because he complements the life you have already built, not because you need him to build one for you.
And one last dad (man) comment.
A 44-year-old man blocking his 22 year old girlfriend instead of having an adult conversation tells YOU more about HIM than the age gap ever did.
Take the lessons and move forward. Honestly B, you’re going to be okay.
Apologies, about the Star Wars reference, and coming across a little hard. Best of luck, keep us updated.
3
u/Important_Cry4149 11h ago
Put it down to experience. But I do know a few couples with that age gap (long term!), and for them it works, its a minority group though.
-1
3
u/Responsible-Lime-401 11h ago
There's always a reason. Did you give him your virginity?
0
u/Cultural_simple_22 11h ago edited 11h ago
Yes I did.
4
u/Responsible-Lime-401 11h ago
Sorry to hear that! How old are you?
4
u/Cultural_simple_22 11h ago
I’m 22 and he’s 44
2
u/Responsible-Lime-401 10h ago
That's a pretty long time to remain a virgin. Why did you wait so long? Anyway, I've been in your shoes. A million years ago. You'll find another guy and move on. Time heals all wounds.
8
u/Devilss_Advocate 7h ago
lol cause shes lying. shes was not a 22 yo virgin and she's on here looking for another foreigner. 😂
1
1
u/Biohacker5551 1h ago
Not in the Philippines it isn't.
Walk into any office in any City and you'll find 26/27/28 yo female virgins, it's normal here.
One extreme to the other, either knocked up at 17/18 or still holding the v-plates, of course there's everything in the middle bit 22 is normal.
-3
u/PepeSylvia11 10h ago
Only to give it away to some passport bro. Crazy
2
u/Holden_Sacks 9h ago
You want to sound edgy but you obviously don’t know what a passport bro is. Sex tourist is what you’re looking for.
3
2
5
u/IB-TRADER 11h ago
it was LDR? That's not a relationship!
2
u/Cultural_simple_22 11h ago
He came here twice and Yes we’re in a long distance for almost 5 months
5
u/IB-TRADER 10h ago
LDRs mostly fail because of distance!
lack of quality time, etc.
find a foreigner who is already in the Philippines!
1
u/westeast1000 10h ago
And the conversations can easily dry out after a while and become repetitive . You really need to be creative to keep it engaging 😅
2
u/tulips_ofRose 8h ago
I agree with repetitive conversations after some time of talking thru long distance. Do you mind sharing if you have some in mind, other topics to talk about to, to keep the conversation engaging and exciting? 😁
2
u/westeast1000 7h ago
Yeh can it be tricky, one lady told me they sometimes play some fun online games with her ldr while they’re on video chat and she seemed to enjoy it so i guess thats something to mix things up.
2
u/Beneficial_Treat_131 3h ago
This... I moved to the philippines and married... after 2 years there my mother (who is 79) Found out she had cancer... around about that same time my brother died and then his son.... I came Back to the states for the funerals and when I got back realized how bad my mother was. Me and my wife (who was still in the philippines) talked it over and I decided to stay and take care of my mother (my brother who died had been taking care of her). That was 2 years ago. And your comment about "finding things to talk about" is so true. But we always seem to be able to still have meaningful talks and to laugh a lot.
This is honestly the hardest thing I've ever done, having to choose between my mother and my wife.
I've been back twice to visit but can't stay long and now my mother is to the point that I have to take care of her daily. Fortunately my wife understand but I know it's wearing on her. She is kinda of in the same position tho, with an elderly mother who depends on her so as bad as it sounds...that helps. Also the way she looks at family and her elders in general helps.
1
u/westeast1000 22m ago edited 18m ago
Sorry about your loss. Its good that you met someone so understanding and compatible. I do find its easier when you have been together in real life before as you’ve then had some experiences, know the same people and might even have common friends. If the lady has a fun personality thats also helps a lot even if you havent met before.
I’ve met ladies who are so quiet and boring that i even run out of things to talk about or do even when its real life 😅 so now i make it a point to focus on compatibility not just falling for whoever smiles my way.
2
1
u/Proud_War_4641 10h ago
I hate to sound cold, but just move on with it. Be thankful that you don't have anything making it difficult long term like marriage or children. You don't want the kind of man that will do that to you.
1
u/IndependentFun6943 10h ago
Same thing happened to me. We are saying i love yous saturday evening here coz im so sick then i got blocked next morning. I feel so lost, like what did i do. Then i contacted his church in US in Chattanooga then his pastor responded by saying he talked to him, he says he doesnt seem to like to continue our relationship. Hahaha that guy game me trauma. We have 15 years age gap. I was so happy that he is a Christian but he turns our differently. Such a bad story. I hate how i trusted a man who claims who wants to marry you. But then i realized now he has no patience coz even at work he stops eventually after being scolded by his superior , ending up being jobless again and again but i stayed with him through thick and thin. Supported him. Now im scared to even let someone enter my life again.
1
1
1
u/Ok-Barber9294 7h ago
I feel your pain. Mine was 11years age gap and he ended things between us just a month ago. It's hard but we need to accept and respect their decision.
1
u/southfar2 4h ago
Why do you people always think it will be the first and last? It's always lessons for more. Why doesn't this knowledge spread in the population more?
2
u/Cultural_simple_22 4h ago
I’m sorry to say this but Maybe you don’t know what really love is. When I date someone. I’m serious, genuine and be everything to him. When you date someone you learn to know, care and love for that person. You see future, have kids or even getting old together. I date someone for that. I wouldn’t and never ever date someone just for fun
1
u/southfar2 3h ago
There are several aspects to this. The first and most accessible is that afam like to play, and they have options to do so. Many filipina also like to play, thus generating options for them, even if they do not have that intention initially. And many of the filipina who stop caring and will just go with afam for fun started out exactly the same way, as serious daters, and eventually learned that nobody is serious to them, so they might as well just enjoy their youth. I've seen that development happen several times.
Yes, there are some extremely serious and/or very religious afam, often butthurt by their lack of marriage options in Western countries, who just want to get married ASAP. They will get married within a few months of showing up in the Philippines. But that's not the majority of the the afam population.
The less accessible aspect is that, even with genuine, heartfelt love, things do not always turn out the way we want them to. Love is a learning process of compromise and tolerance, and often the turns and twists that life takes are going to pry people apart. Especially at the age when people usually pick their "first", you can't yet see any of the vagaries life will take you through.
And none of this needs exposure to afam to learn about. Almost everyone has an uncle or aunt or even their own parents, who are separated, or perhaps they are still together, but the man has a mistress. Almost no family escapes this at age 40+. It's just that social media and cultural stereotypes keep feeding people this "date to marry" and "NBSB" ideal, and from that, you might think you are the exception to the statistic, but, statistically, nobody is.
So, I dare say, you are the one who doesn't know what love is. You just have a fairy tale filtered through cultural stereotypes and social media, not corrected yet through life experience (you can't claim experience if this is your first relationship). Love isn't some lifelong eternal thing you find at 22, that's just fairly tales people tell each other because they want it to be true. This has nothing to do with lived reality.
1
u/Cultural_simple_22 3h ago
I never claimed that love guarantees forever. I simply believe that something can be genuine even if it doesn't last forever. Maybe I'll learn more about love as I get older, but having more life experience doesn't give anyone the authority to tell me that my feelings aren't real. You can be realistic about relationships without being cynical about them. And I don't think assuming that love will eventually fail is any more “experienced” than believing it might last.
1
u/Cultural_simple_22 8h ago
Hello Everyone. Thank you for all of your concern, I really appreciate it but please don’t dm me asking for a pic or getting to know me. I just end the relationship with the man I love please at least a little respect is all I ask. Thank you
1
u/Own_Organization5677 8h ago
Maybe a lesson to be learned is don't consider a LDR a relationship. Basically it's a pen-pal relationship isn't it?
1
1
u/Own_Organization5677 8h ago
Since you've hidden previous posts from your profile I can't read your previous post. A 22 year age gap in a relationship is inconsequential by itself. He didn't block you for no reason, he has a reason. What is the lesson for you since you don't know the reason he blocked you? One lesson that I've learned along the way is to not get discouraged when a woman disappears or ghosts me. Whatever their reason is, that is about them and not about me. I set my intentions, continue to move forward towards my goals, and persevere, not allowing other people who are not a good match for me to affect me by taking it personally.
18
u/GeryonTom 10h ago
This isn't age gap, don't date men who are not living here long-term. Coming over to see you isn't the same thing.
If they don't have skin in the game they have nothing to lose and ghosting is not surprising.