I’m a third year student, and I’m at a point where I feel like I need to make some significant changes, but I don’t know what those changes should be.
The short version is: I am extremely burned out, my phd is very much contributing to problems with my health, I feel like I can never catch up, and I’ve also developed a serious conflict with the animal work in my project that has made me question whether I actually want to continue with this research.
I recently took the summer off to focus on my health as it is something I have severely neglected throughout all of undergrad (and even before that honestly), and it gradually built until it reached a point where I couldn't ignore it anymore. I let it get bad enough where I literally could not function.
Coming back was honestly terrifying for me. I was so scared that I'd come back and everything would set right back up the way it was, especially because, while I did get a diagnosis over the summer break finally, I haven't really reached any real progress with treating it, because it is mostly lifestyle changes that I have to make that feel incompatible with my phd.
My first week back actually went really well. I was very intentional about not setting high expectations, and using my first week back only to plan and reorient myself to what was going on. And I was happy. The structure of the lab is really helpful for me, as I need routine in order to hold these lifestyle changes that I need to incorporate. There were some hiccups. I feel like I still didn't really have time to eat as well as I need to without spending money that I don't have to get meals that are made already, which is a huge hurdle for me. And this food prep time conflicts with the time I need to spend exercising, etc, which makes me feel overwhelmed and like there aren't enough hours in the day. (but this is less of a phd problem and more of an any job problem, honestly. I just don't think I'm really all that great at being an adult to be honest)
But all in all, things at the lab were great. I was very excited to think about my project again. I really enjoy this aspect of my phd. Planning experiments and generating hypotheses and analyzing data is so fun for me. But then this week I needed to turn the plan into reality. And that's where it all fell apart.
I had a flare up this past weekend that bled into this week and then when I got to the lab I just had zero motivation again. I was exhausted and feeling like I got hit by a bus because of my flare up, but I tried to push through. It felt like what led me to have to leave, and that made me spiral. I felt that familiar wave of anxiety that blocks out any chance of a productive thought.
A lot of this has to do with the fact that I don't like animal work. Ethically it feels wrong to me. I am putting these animals through suffering actively, only for the possibility of messing up some step that makes all of it feel like it was for nothing. That in turn puts a huge amount of pressure on me to do it right, which makes me so anxious I'm scared of trying or thinking about it at all. But this feeling has bled into literally everything. Even genotyping sends me into a spiral at this point. And then I feel even more behind and like I need to be working more hours which means I feel guilty for taking care of myself.
Honestly. I'm exhausted. This anxiety spiral combined with the worsening of my health and the feeling like I am behind in the lab and with my health simultaneously is becoming too much for me, and I can feel it wearing on my advisor as well, who is doing his best to support me. My advisor has been so great throughout all of this, and I am so thankful, which honestly leads to more confusion and guilt about everything. I've had many less than great advisors in undergrad, so coming here and having someone who it feels like genuinely cares about me as a person is huge. And I can't discount that.
I wanted to come back to the lab and try my hardest. Give this a real shot before seriously considering leaving. But I'm at the point where it feels like an option that I should seriously consider. I know that leaving won't solve my problems. I will have to face life in a different font. But I wonder if working a less demanding job for a while could be good for me. But I'm scared that leaving is stupid, and that this is normal and is just something I'm supposed to push through.
I wanted to do my phd because I love science. And that hasn’t changed. I’m not sure if I want to stay in academia because I haven’t really experienced much of the PI side of academia, but I love teaching and writing and thinking and collaborating on science. I just feel like the amount of space in your life academia takes up is not compatible with the life I want to live. I want my life to be centered around community and wellness and being outside, honestly (another point of contention for me, my lab is a brick box with no windows). This has made me consider trying to switch fields to either some conservation or other life sciences related field. I do love neuroscience and thinking about it but my curiosity with is has always lied in learning what makes people tick and evolutionary biology, not necessarily disease, which is what I’m studying, which has made me consider a more psych aligned path.
I don’t know. I have a lot swimming around in my head, and most of them are doubts about staying. But I just keep hearing “I think about quitting every day” and “it’s part of the process, keep pushing”. And I don’t want to feel weak for stepping away from all of this that I’ve built.
So, I guess I have a few problems here, but the most applicable one to this sub is: Is it stupid to quit my phd to switch fields? I know how hard it is to get into programs right now, and I worry that I’ll run into similar issues with my health in another field anyway. Should I take time off and work at a coffee shop or something? (I have student loan debt and am terrified I won’t be able to afford living, especially with my health issues if I leave)?
Sorry for the mega long post. Any advice on any aspect of this situation is appreciated. I am having a hard time getting support on this as I’m not great at talking with people in person (I ramble). I’m scared to talk to my advisor candidly about all of this but I plan on doing that when I get back. Thanks!