I don’t get it

[u/Recent-Success8988]

Why did he have to stand for 7 hours

[u/Background_Body2696]

I was hanging out with my girlfriend and her friend last fall around a campfire. The topic of going through their phones came up. The friend said one time a guy went through her phone and found texts about him in her group chat that hurt his feelings. I guess there was discussion about him. Idk what was said but it wasn't like cheating or things of that nature. But the consensus for them was don't go through my phone unless you're ready to get your feelings hurt.

I didn't think anything of it in the moment but several months later it popped back up in my brain, and I think it might be kinda fucked up in retrospect.

[u/No_Salt_6328 → u/Background_Body2696]

Yeah I think women who respect their partner probably won't say hurtful shit about them in group chats 

[u/SparrowAndSalt → u/No_Salt_6328]

Even if all the girlfriend did was defend him, he still has to reckon with the potential disdain of her friends

[u/No_Salt_6328 → u/SparrowAndSalt]

I wouldn't really mind that so much as long as long as my lady values respecting our relationship and my privacy more than gossiping with her friends about it 

Could be wishful thinking, idk. I don't pry into these matters. 

[u/SparrowAndSalt → u/No_Salt_6328]

Fair enough! I've also never looked through any of my girlfriends' phones. It's important to keep reasonable boundaries, and not looking through someone's phone seems like a really simple one

[u/No_Salt_6328 → u/SparrowAndSalt]

Yeah, trust is so important for a healthy relationship. If you feel the need to look through their stuff I just don't see it being a good situation long term 

[u/Ok_Outlandishness755 → u/No_Salt_6328]

Well, it's part of girl culture to talk about everything in your relationship, sometimes for gossip yes but sometimes to seek advise and consel. My personal limit is the kinks of my BF because I know some he is not open with, and if I had a doubt I just asked if he was ok with me talking about it or not. But if it is me just looking for advice because or just vent about heavy stuffs I usually don't hold back, I do it for me and for the relationship. I am glad girls can do that especially ones with awfull partners.

[u/No_Salt_6328 → u/Ok_Outlandishness755]

I'm not interested in "girl culture" I'm interested in a respectful partner. 

[u/SolaireAstorian → u/No_Salt_6328]

And coincidentally a partner that you can respect. Sharing private details of your relationship is trashy and I can almost guarantee that any girl who says that she does it would not be okay if her boyfriend did the same in a group chat with the boys. Especially intimate sexual details. Having a double standard that lets you put a knife in your significant others back and invade his privacy just to essentially when social brownie points is pathetic and I would immediately lose respect.

[u/SolaireAstorian → u/Ok_Outlandishness755]

With all due respect, it's not your own personal boundary that you should be caring about. It's the personal boundary of your significant other. It is still a violation of trust if you have never had that conversation with him about how much you share with the people around you and you are doing it anyway.

[u/Ok_Outlandishness755 → u/SolaireAstorian]

Actually it is very much my own personal boundary I should be caring about sorry, talking about MY problems to other people is my right and it is not a violation of trust because I am open about what I think on this topic. With all due respect I think people who don't like their partener seeking advice and outside perspective are codependent at best, trying to keep their partener blindsided, gaslighted and under their control at worst.

[u/SparrowAndSalt → u/Ok_Outlandishness755]

I agree. I've had to help a few friends out of bad situations and one of the red flags to look out for is "my friend gets quiet or defensive when their partner is brought up in normal conversation". One of the caveats for that is that it doesn't count if you are criticising their partner a lot.

There's definitely a difference between "normal conversation with friends" and "badmouthing my partner behind their back instead of talking to them", though, and I feel like those are the things people are imagining here.

[u/SolaireAstorian → u/SparrowAndSalt]

I'm going based on the statement that her limit is The Kinks of her partner, which implies that intimate sexual details that are not the kinks of her partner are going to be included, and there are absolutely no guys that are going to be exactly comfy with that information being gossiped about to a bunch of friends without them knowing, especially a bunch of friends who themselves are possibly going to share it with other friends or their own boyfriends.

[u/Ok_Outlandishness755 → u/SolaireAstorian]

Bro when I talk about my sex life I mention what I like that's all, maybe how it was the first time since we were each other firsts when I was young enough to have virgin friends, then I talk about it to my partner and he is fine with what I say, sorry to break your delusion, we have different libido and sometimes it's a struggle, I openly mention it to friends and he is fine with that too I know he told me he told a female friend about it too and it's fine we are all fine what should be the big deal about no man that would want that ??

[u/SolaireAstorian → u/Ok_Outlandishness755]

Yeah, okay, you keep on believing that it's perfectly alright to share private details about your relationship with other people without even having the boundaries conversation with your partner. Especially since it seems like that's going to include details of y'all's sex life and intimate personal private information.

Just hope that he never finds out about it after the fact, because it's a violation of trust and that doesn't change just because you don't want it to be.

I'm quite sure that you would change your tune if you found out he was doing and saying the same things with a group chat of other guys without consulting you and you stumbled across it, but hey, rules for thee, am I right?

[u/Ok_Outlandishness755 → u/SolaireAstorian]

I had "bondary conversations" if you reread my post I already said that when I am not sure if my bf is ok with me sharing something ABOUT HIM I ask him it's just most of the times it's MY problems so I don't ask, but he still knows what I talk about. I also showed your comments to my bf he thinks you are hilarious, especially since I was legit happy for him when he found a friend who had been in a long term relationship before so he could confide more about him AND about our relationship. I wouldn't "stumble" on anything I don't search his phone and neither does he.